The Wheel of Love Continues to Turn

OR

The Plights of Technical Theater

Characters

Josh – Male, head of tech.

Vanessa – Female, formerly head of tech, now stage manager.

Kai – Male, member of tech.

Kathryn – Female, member of tech.

Eric – Male, member of stage crew.

Bella – Female, “queen bee” of the actors and lead of the play.

Celia – Female, actress, Bella’s sidekick.

Jonathan – Male, actor, another Bella follower.

A relatively small ensemble of actors, at least two male and one female.

. . . . .

The stage is dark. Sounds of stumbling and cursing are heard. A mic is tapped, there is a screech of feedback.

JOSH, offstage, into mic:
Testing, testing… Okay, awesome.

Josh enters from the back of the house, goes through the aisles and onto the stage, which is still dark.

Josh:
Channels 1 through 24, full!

All of the lights go on full. The stage is revealed: Josh in a black techie’s outfit, wearing a headset. The stage is bare except for a few piles of lumber and a sheet of plywood leaned against the back wall, and a grand piano on the side. Josh shields his eyes from the light.

Josh:
Ow… bright…

KATHRYN, sticking her head out of the booth window:
Sorry! (Withdraws)

Blackout.

Josh:
Wait, what? Damnit, I need light!

Kathryn, sticking head out of the booth:
Sorry, sorry! (Withdraws)

Red syke lights.

Josh, exasperated:
Kathryn…

ERIC enters, carrying a long 2x4 over one shoulder. He sees Josh and stops, then looks around.

Eric:
Josh, what’s with the lights?

Josh:
Kathryn has yet to master the light board. Can you hit the backstage lights?

Eric:
Sure.

Eric drops the 2x4 in the pile of lumber and exits.

Josh:
Kath, turn off the damn sykes and get down here!

Sykes go out. After a second, normal white lighting comes on. Kathryn enters from the back of the house, comes onto the stage.

Kathryn:
Sorry…

Josh:
Okay, in general, when lights are bright, it doesn’t mean “turn them off.”

Kathryn:
Yeah…

Josh:
And red sykes and nothing else does not count as “light.”

Kathryn:
Sorry. I’ll be better for the show, I promise.

Josh:
For the show? You’re working spotlight, hon.

Kathryn:
Again?

KAI enters from the house, a backpack over one shoulder.

Kai:
Do mine ears deceive me? Someone else is on spot?

Josh:
Kai! (As Kai walks onstage, they high five. Kai drops his bag in front of the stage.) I thought you didn’t get my e-mail.

Kai:
What, you thought I’d be asleep? Christ, man.

Kathryn:
Yes, someone else is working spot. That someone else being me.

Kai:
Sweet!

Josh:
Kai, don’t get so excited. How do you know this show doesn’t need more than one spot?

Kai and Kathryn both look crestfallen.

Josh, businesslike:
Anyway, come on, we’re supposed to be building.

Eric reenters, carrying more 2x4s.

Josh, cont.:
Hey, Eric, anyone else from crew here yet?

Eric:
(Shrug) I don’t think anyone but Lori was able to make it, and she’s not even here yet.

Josh, incredulous:
Not able to make it? What do you mean, not able to make it?

Eric:
I mean, they’ve got stuff to do. It’s the weekend, it’s not like people are gonna be free all the—

Kathryn:
Woah, wait. Do you mean that we’re supposed to have a build… with two members of crew?

Eric:
Well, and tech.

Kathryn:
Eric, we’re tech, we’re scrawny weaklings! We can’t lift stuff!

Kai:
Hey, speak for yourself.

Josh, ignoring Kai:
Kathryn, you’re not a weakling. Or at least, you’d better not be, because you’re going to have to lift stage lights.

Kathryn:
(Excited) Really? (Becomes worried) Crap, really?

Josh:
Kath, relax, geez. (Turns to Eric.) What’re we building?

Eric produces a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket and smoothes it out. Josh and Kai look over his shoulder.

Eric, pointing:
So, Ms. Chapman said that we need a door here… and some sort of giant staircase here. It was sort of confusing, I’ll have to ask her about that…

Josh:
Well, what are we waiting for? Kathryn! (She looks up.) Go into the prop closet and get out the jigs.

Kathryn:
…Huh?

Josh:
The jigsaws.

Kathryn:
…What?

Josh:
Kai, go with her. Get… get one jig, and a drill and a box of drillbits. And a c-wrench, because I have to teach Kathryn about hanging lights.

Kai:
Sure thing.

Kai exits, dragging Kathryn with him.

Eric, yelling after Kai:
And can you bring out a few 1x4s? (To Josh, gesturing at the pile of 2x4s already on stage) We need to go through these and separate them by length.

Josh and Eric go over to the pile of 2x4s and start sorting through them, ignoring the yells and crashing from backstage. After a moment, Kai and Kathryn reenter, holding the things they were sent to get. Kai’s hair is mussed. He goes up to Josh and drops the c-wrench at his feet.

Kai:
There. Satisfied?

Josh, smiling widely:
Very. Okay, Kai, do you know where that thing is with the two bars? The, um, light hanging thing…? (Gestures helplessly)

Kai:
(Raises eyebrows) I’ll see what I can do.

Kai exits to backstage.

Eric, turning to Josh:
Okay, we should start by cutting a few of the small ones into legs about… let’s see.. three inches long. Yeah, that should be good.

Josh:
…What for?

Eric:
Oh, didn’t I tell you? Ms. Chapman wants a giant wooden wheel.

Josh:
(Stares) What. The hell?

Eric:
Yeah, I know. I have no idea what the fuck this play is about.

Josh:
But, we do whatever the they tell us to. Yes, we are the director’s bitches. Such is the life of crew.

Kathryn:
And tech.

Josh, nodding solemnly:
Yes, and tech.

During this, Eric has gone to the front of the stage and plugged in a jigsaw. Now he holds the saw and pulls a 2x4 towards him.

Kathryn:
Hey Eric, shouldn’t you measure that first or something?

Eric:
Oh. Yeah. Right. Josh, get a tape measure.

Josh:
Kath, get a tape measure.

Kathryn:
God damnit!

Kathryn goes huffily into the house and into the booth. At the same time, Kai returns, empty-handed.

Josh, looking up:
So?

Kai:
(Shrugs) No luck.

Josh:
Goddamn… I’ll go find it.

Josh irritably stands, exits to backstage. Kathryn reenters.

Kathryn:
There’s not one up there.

Eric:
Crap, how’re we supposed to build a set without a tape measure?

VANESSA, entering from house:
Eric, catch! (She throws Eric a tape measure. Eric fumbles but catches it.)

Eric:
Hey, Vanessa!

Vanessa comes on stage, raises a hand in greeting. She’s dressed in all black. There’s a chorus of “hey’s” from all present.

Vanessa, grinning:
How’d I know you guys wouldn’t be able to find your tape measure?

Josh, reentering:
Whoa, hey, ‘Nessa showed up!

Vanessa:
Figured you could use an extra pair of hands.

Kathryn, to Josh:
She’s the one who’s stealing the light board from me this show, isn’t she?

Josh:
Who, Vanessa?

Vanessa:
Nope, I’m SMing.

Kathryn:
Then… why are you wearing so much black?

Vanessa gives Kathryn a disdainful look.

Kathryn:
Ookay… (Turning back to Josh) Do I have to work spot?

Kai:
You should be working spot. You’re the newbie!

Kathryn:
Newbie? I’m older than you!

Josh:
Guys, guys!

Josh steps in as the peacemaker. Kathryn and Kai both attempt to calm themselves down.

Josh, cont.:
Chill out. I warned you, the show might end up needing each of you on a spot.

Vanessa:
Oh, no. I’ve been at all the rehearsals and talked to Ms. Chapman about the tech she wants. There’s only one spot.

Kathryn and Kai, to Josh:
Hey!

Josh, glaring at Vanessa:
Dude. Not cool.

Kai:
Wait, you knew there was only one spot?

Josh:
Well excuse me for wanting you to live in fear.

Kathryn and Kai glare at Josh.

Kathryn:
So, who’s actually working lights?

Josh:
(Sighs) Kai.

Kai:
Yes! (punches the air.)

Kathryn:
(Hits Josh in the shoulder.) You suck. So much.

Josh smiles sweetly, then claps his hands together.

Josh:
Let’s work!

All set about stage business. After a short time, chatter is heard. A small cluster of actors, in costume, carrying props, enters from the house, BELLA at their head.

Bella, slightly disdainfully:
Oh. Crew.

Eric:
Yeah? Do you need something?

Bella:
Yeah. Our stage.

Eric:
We’re working on it, geez. You guys could grab a hammer and help, you know.

CELIA, stepping forward:
Well, can’t you just build it?

Vanessa, as if talking to a four-year-old:
No, Celia. These things take time.

JONATHAN:
Well, you guys had better get it done.

Kathryn:
We’re trying to get it done right now, y’know.

Josh:
And it’d go a lot faster if you guys would help us.

Bella:
…No, you’re getting off our stage.

Josh:
…No, we’re building your sets.

Bella:
Jake—

Josh:
Josh.

Bella:
Josh, we’re doing a run of our play.

Vanessa:
No you’re not. Today is a build, Bella.

Bella:
No, It’s a run.

Josh:
No, It’s a build.

Celia and Bella:
It’s a run!

Eric, Josh, Kai:
It’s a build!

Celia, Bella, Jonathan:
It’s a run!

Crew:
It’s a build!

Actors:
It’s a run!

Josh stops Eric from responding. He gestures to crew.

Josh:
Come on, guys. We’ll finish this later.

Kathryn and Kai:
But—

Josh:
Come on.

Josh waves crew off. Irritably, grumbling, glaring at the cast and throwing things down, tech & crew follow, Eric hurriedly gathering up tools.

Kai, as they exit:
Damnit, Josh. Why’d we give up the auditorium?

Josh doesn’t answer, just enters the booth. As the actors begin to assemble themselves, a spotlight shines directly in Bella’s eyes. She shields her eyes and swears. Then, all the stage lights and spot go out.

Actors, variously:
What the hell? Damn! Turn on the lights! Etc.

Vanessa, from the booth:
Nice one!

Scene change (blue out). During the change, Josh and Vanessa are walking around the house, spotlighted.

Josh:
It really sucks that you’re not working this show, ‘Nessa.

Vanessa:
Yeah. But I wanted to try something else. Anyway, I’ll still be in the booth with all of you. (Josh gives her a look.) The stage manager calls the show, remember?

Josh:
Yes, duh! Sorry, sleep deprivation moment. Fourteen hour days hanging lights and inhaling sawdust sort of get to you.

The spot on them turns red. Josh yells up to the booth.

Josh, cont.:
Kai, stop messing with the filters!

Kai, from booth:
Aw… fine.

The spotlight returns to white. Josh and Vanessa resume their walk.

Josh:
As long as you don’t forget how to count in the middle of a performance.

Vanessa:
(Laughs) Oh god, I remember when Caleb called that show… Don’t worry, I won’t. I’ve been doing this for longer than you.

The spotlight swing off them.

Vanessa, cont.:
Kai, you fail!

Kai:
Yeah, sorry.

The spot refocuses.

Josh:
Christ, if that happens during a show, you’re so fucked.

Kai:
Jesus, I said I was sorry.

Josh:
Kai, you need to be able to spot. Follow us like it’s a show!

Kai:
Okay, okay. Jeez…

Josh and Vanessa roll their eyes and continue to pace around the house.

Vanessa:
My god, that boy can’t spot for his life.

Josh:
Yeah… (Turns to Vanessa) How bad is your show?

Vanessa:
Terrible.

Josh:
Ah. Fun.

The spot swings off them again.

Josh:
Damnit, Kai! Okay, you’re working spot this show!

Kai:
Wait, what?

Blackout.

Scene: Tech rehearsal. The stage is dark, and the first row of house lights is on. The actors are sitting on the edge of the stage, drinking coffee. Josh, Kai, Kathryn, and Vanessa enter.

Bella, still slightly disdainful:
Hey. Can we have lights?

Josh, slowly:
Today is lighting design, right? You’re not just fucking us over again?

Bella:
(Sighs.) Yes, it is actually light design.

Vanessa:
Then where’s Ms. Chapman?

Celia:
She’s sick.

Josh:
Shit. That’s not good.

Kathryn:
Well how’re we supposed to design, then?

Bella:
(Sighs.) I’m doing it.

Vanessa:
Wait, what?

Kai, to Josh:
We have to let her in the booth?

Bella, glaring:
I don’t like this any more than you guys do.

Josh:
Come on, let’s finish this damn thing so we can all go home.

He leads the rest of his crew and a disgruntled Bella up to the booth.

Celia calls after them:
Bella, see if you can get flashing lights during the love scene. And maybe, like, fans and confetti!

Josh smacks his head in despair. Blackout.

Scene: Opening night. In this scene, the tech booth is onstage, low walls separating it from the “stage.” White light up on the booth; Josh, Kathryn, Vanessa, and Kai are all sitting around, the first three adjusting clearcom headsets. (Note: these obviously don’t have to be actual clearcom headsets, just ones that look vaguely like them.) The rest of the stage is deserted and only dimly lit, but a (preferably elaborate) set is visible.

Josh:
This is ridiculous. We’ve run the show, what, twice so far?

Vanessa:
One and a half times. They couldn’t do the second act that first time because we couldn’t do the lights without their fucking giant wheel. Or their smoke machine. Or something. (Puts her feet up, massages her temple.) God I hate actors.

Josh:
Not all actors are this bad. Ours are special.

Kathryn:
Ugh. How can they possibly need a smoke machine?

Josh puts his head down in despair. Vanessa shrugs.

Kai:
Why don’t I get a headset?

Josh, tersely, after having raised his head:
Because there aren’t enough.

Kai:
But Kath has one.

Josh:
Kath is working the light board. You’re working spot.

Kai pouts. Eric enters the booth.

Eric:
You guys ready for this?

All of tech:
No.

Eric sniggers. Tech glares at him, and he shrugs apologetically.

Eric:
Well, sorry. It’s just that, if the show sucks, it’s totally not my fault, unless I drop the giant wheel.

Vanessa:
I hope it crushes you.

Eric grins and laughs.

Kathryn:
What’s up with that wheel, anyway?

Eric:
(Shakes his head solemnly.) I don’t know, Kathryn. I don’t know.

One of the ACTORs sticks his head into the booth.

Actor:
Wow! This place is so cool!

Everyone turns to stare at the Actor.

Vanessa:
What the hell are you doing here?

Kai:
Yeah, um, please get out of our booth.

Actor:
Okay, okay. I’m only up here because I’m supposed to tell you to call places.

Tech stares at him for a moment.

Vanessa:
Shit.

Vanessa turns back to the front of the booth and adjusts her headset. Everyone else does the same.

Josh, to Actor:
So, yeah, please leave now.

Actor leaves huffily.

Vanessa:
Eric…

Eric:
I know, I know, get the hell out. I’m going.

Josh:
Waitasec. Eric, are you ASMing?

Eric:
Crap, am I supposed to be?

Josh:
Can you? We don’t have an real ASM, and I don’t trust anyone else on crew to be on clearcom backstage, God knows…

Eric:
Okay, whatever you say. Have a good one, guys. I’ll see you on com in a sec, then.

Eric leaves the booth.

Kai calls after him:
Don’t drop the wheel.

Eric calls as he exits:
Ha ha, very funny.

Josh stands and hits the light (that is, lights in the booth go out). They remain in darkness for a moment.

Josh:
Booth light. (Beat.) Kai, booth light!

Kai:
Shit, sorry.

The booth light goes on: the booth is now lit in red. Begin a very long fade down of the lights on the “stage.”

Josh:
Okay, guys, ready for this?

Kathryn:
Well, no.

Josh:
Kath, we’re tech. I know we’ve barely rehearsed, but we just have to do our job.

Kathryn:
I’ve never worked light board before.

Josh:
Relax. It’s just hitting the ‘go’ button. You were fine when we ran it.

Kathryn:
All one times.

Vanessa:
Don’t worry. Just do what I tell you to.

Josh:
So everyone’s headsets are working?

Vanessa and Kathryn:
Yeah.

Kai:
I don’t think so. Oh, wait, that’s because I don’t have one.

Vanessa:
Kai, shut up.

Eric, on com (when Eric is on com, his voice comes through a microphone):
Hey guys, can you hear me?

Kathryn:
Yep.

Vanessa:
Loud and clear, Eric.

Josh:
Let’s do this thing.

Vanessa:
Josh, preshow announcement please?

Josh takes out a (working) microphone with a flourish.

Josh, into mic:
Ladies and Gentlemen, hello and welcome to the King High Dramatic Ensemble’s production of the play, written by King High’s very own Bella White, “The Wheel of Love Continues to Turn.”

Assorted gestures of disgust from the rest of the crew.

Josh, cont.:
Please turn of all cell phones and pagers at this time. This play has no intermission. Please enjoy the show.

He puts down the microphone and makes a face.

Josh, cont.:
That has to be the worst title I’ve ever heard.

Vanessa:
Yeah, and it’s the reason we needed to build that goddamn wheel. I’m never going to forgive Bella for this… Ready spot, ready lights.

Kai:
Ready.

Vanessa:
Spot go. Lights go. Ready lights. And Eric—

Eric:
Yeah?

Vanessa:
Tell crew to get ready with the stupid fucking wheel.

Blueout. Spotlight on the actor playing NARRATOR, at the far corner of the stage. The play has begun. “The Wheel of Love Continues to Turn” is meant to be absolutely horrendous, and should be performed as such. The more ridiculous the staging and acting, the better. Make good (that is, bad) use of the set pieces. Feel free to forget/mangle lines. Lines of “actors” can overlap with lines of techies where appropriate, but techies should always be more audible.

Narrator:
Many moons ago, there occurred the greatest love story ever told, which we will tell to you tonight. A tale of love, loss, and fate leads our characters to learn the most important lesson of life: that the wheel of love never stops turning.

Vanessa:
Spot out. And… I can’t believe I’m saying this… wheel go.

Several crew members roll the giant wheel across the stage.

Josh:
Jesus Christ that was weird.

Vanessa:
Yeahhh. Okay, lights go.

Lights up on REBECCA and JAMES. Actors are in eclectic and badly done costumes of an indeterminate time period.

Kathryn:
Was that okay?

Josh:
It was fine Kath. Quiet in the booth.

Rebecca (Bella):
James, who are you taking to the ball tomorrow night?

James (Jonathan):
I don’t know if I shall go to the ball, Rebecca.

Vanessa:
Dear God, this gets worse every time I see it. Warning on sound.

Josh:
Sound warned.

Rebecca:
Why ever not?

James:
I… ah…

Rebecca:
What is it?

James:
I don’t actually know how to dance.

Rebecca:
It’s absolutely absurd for a man of your age to not know how to dance. Come here. (She stands.)

James:
What?

Rebecca:
Come, I’ll teach you to dance.

Vanessa:
Ready sound.

Josh:
Sound ready.

James stands uncertainly. Rebecca beckons him over.

Rebecca:
Oh don’t be shy, you silly boy, it’s very simple. Put your hand on my hip…

Vanessa:
Sound… go.

A waltz fades in. Rebecca and James begin dancing lessons.

Rebecca:
Okay, step two three step two three… no, your other foot… Very good. Now spin me… (they spin) Very nice… You’re getting it perfectly!

They continue to dance, Rebecca making small adjustments.

Vanessa:
So you’re going to mute it when the track ends, right Josh?

Josh:
I’m all set here.

Vanessa:
Okay good. Warning on lights.

The song ends.

Rebecca:
You’re getting better already!

James:
Thank you.

Rebecca, moving closer:
So… who are you taking to the ball, then? Now that you’re going?

Vanessa:
Ready lights. Eric, you there?

Eric:
Right here.

Vanessa:
Good. Ready with the goddamn wheel?

James:
I… I don’t…

They share a moment that is obviously an attempt at intimacy and romantic tension, but that fails miserably.

James, cont.:
I have to go.

James exits.

Vanessa:
Lights go. (Beat.) Kath!

Kathryn:
Shit!

Blueout.

Vanessa:
Kath, be quiet. Wheel go.

Eric:
Going.

Crew again rolls the wheel across the stage, in the opposite direction.

Eric:
And… they’re off.

Vanessa:
Great. Lights go.

Lights go up again, on Rebecca and ELIZABETH preparing for the ball: zipping up dresses, fixing hair, etc.

Elizabeth (Celia):
Are you going to the ball with anyone?

Rebecca:
Well… no.

Kathryn:
I’m so, so sorry about that. It won’t happen again, I promise! God, I’m such an idiot!

Elizabeth:
Darling, you sound like you’re keeping something from me.

Josh:
Kath, it’s okay, just focus.

Vanessa:
When the stage manager says “ready lights,” you’ve got to respond with “lights ready,” or else I don’t know you heard me.

Rebecca:
I… (Dramatic pause) I want to go with James, and I think he wanted to go with me too, but he wouldn’t ask me. I think he might be intimidated by me. But all I want is to be with him!

Elizabeth:
Oh.

Vanessa:
Warning on sound.

Rebecca:
Is something the matter?

Josh:
Sound warned.

Kai:
See, like that.

Kathryn:
I’m sorry, I’m sorry!

Josh:
Kai, shut up.

Vanessa:
Both of you, shut up. Silence in the booth.

Elizabeth:
I, um, I suppose you could meet him there, and see if he would dance with you then.

Rebecca:
Yes, maybe. I did teach him how to dance, after all, so maybe he’ll feel beholden… But I don’t want him to be forced into it, I want it to be genuine and true! (Happy sigh.)

Elizabeth:
I hope you two have that some day.

Rebecca:
But oh, wouldn’t it be grand?

Elizabeth:
James is… a very special man.

Vanessa:
Ready sound.

Josh:
Ready. This is the one with, like, a billion sound effects in a row, right?

Vanessa:
Yeah, so get ready.

Rebecca:
He is, isn’t he? So romantic. And he’s just so handsome. I think, if he put his mind to it, he would know just how to sweep a girl off her feet. I can just picture it… He would call on me at home—

Vanessa:
Sound go.

Sound of a doorbell.

Rebecca:
—take me out to a romantic dinner—

Vanessa:
Sound go.

Sound of a bustling restaurant fades in, then out.

Rebecca:
—and afterwards we’d go out in a rowboat—

Vanessa:
Sound go.

Sound of pond wildlife, including a very prominent frog croaking.

Vanessa, through gritted teeth:
I hate Bella. So much.

Rebecca:
—and he would offer me a ring—

Vanessa:
Sound go.

Stereotypical “magic” sound effect, or a choir of angels.

Rebecca
—and then he’d take me to his horse and we’d ride off into the sunset.

Vanessa:
Sound go. (Beat.) Sound go!

Sound of neighing, trotting horse.

Josh:
Sorry, sorry. Okay, we’re done with the series of sound cues from hell.

Vanessa:
I swear to God I’m going to kill her for those. And be ready next time, damnit.

Josh:
Sorry, sorry…

Vanessa:
In the future, sound cues will be on time. (Beat.) I’m going to kill Bella for that stupid thing…

Kai:
Just focus on the show, Vanessa. We’ll plot our revenge later.

Kathryn:
And believe me, we will plot revenge.

Elizabeth:
That does sound nice, doesn’t it?

Vanessa:
Oh, shit. Ready lights.

Kathryn:
Not warning?

Vanessa:
No, ready.

Kathryn:
Okay, okay, ready.

Vanessa:
And Eric, get your people ready with the wheel.

Rebecca:
Oh, it would be so wonderful. But oh, I should be going, I promised that I’d get there early to set everything up. Thank you for your help with my hair, dear, you’ve been wonderful.

Rebecca exits. Moment in which Elizabeth stares wistfully out into audience.

Vanessa:
Lights… go.

Blueout.

Vanessa, tersely:
Wheel.

Crew rolls the wheel across the stage.

Vanessa:
And lights… go.

Lights up. James is chatting with a few male friends including MICHAEL and MATTHEW. All are holding drinks. Rebecca, Elizabeth, and some women are milling around on the other side of the stage.

Kai:
Wow. Am I the only person here who really, really hates that wheel?

All of Tech, plus Eric:
No.

Kathryn:
God, this is what happens when you do student-written plays.

Michael:
She is a beautiful woman… James, don’t you want to go with her?

James:
I do, that’s just the problem. I…

Matthew:
Yes?

James:
I think I’m in love with her.

Matthew:
What?

James:
Y-yes, that’s it. I’m in love with her.

Matthew:
James, are you sure?

James:
I’m in love. I’m in love!

Matthew:
Calm down, mate.

Michael:
No, don’t. If you’re in love, go tell the lady.

James:
I will!

James exits excitedly.

Matthew:
Why did you have to say that?

Michael:
Say what?

Matthew:
Make him go off like that?

Michael:
Why do you care?

Matthew, grimly:
Because I’ll die before I let him have Rebecca.

The group of chatting women take center stage.

Rebecca:
I hope to dance with James tonight. And maybe something… more…

The women, except for Elizabeth, giggle. Elizabeth pulls one of the women aside.

Elizabeth:
I have to tell someone this or I think I’ll burst. I… I think I love James!

ELIZABETH’S FRIEND:
Oh, darling…

Elizabeth:
Yes, I know! What will Rebecca say when she finds out?

Elizabeth’s Friend:
I don’t know.

James runs onstage, yelling:
Rebecca! Rebecca there’s something I have to tell you!

Rebecca:
Oh, James… Yes?

James:
Rebecca, I—

Elizabeth:
James, I—

Matthew runs on, trailed by Michael.

Matthew:
Rebecca, I—

Rebecca:
James, I—

All four:
I love you!

Various expressions of despair from the tech booth.

Rebecca:
James!

James:
Rebecca!

Elizabeth:
James!

Rebecca:
Elizabeth?

Matthew:
James!

James:
Matthew?

Vanessa, mockingly:
Josh!

Josh:
Vanessa! (Beat.) Who else wants to shoot themselves in the head?

There are murmurs/gestures of assent from the rest of tech.

Vanessa:
Warning on sound and lights.

Michael:
Matthew, don’t do anything rash.

Matthew, to James:
You cur! You are not fit to grope at the elegant hem of Rebecca’s dress!

James:
Matthew! What has gotten into you?

Matthew:
Stand and fight for the lady’s honor!

James:
Matthew, I’m warning you…

Matthew stage-punches James.

Vanessa:
God I want to do that myself. Jonathan is such an ass.

Kai:
They all are.

Vanessa:
Well, yeah. Ready lights and sound.

Josh and Kathryn:
Ready.

James returns the punch.

Vanessa:
Sound and lights, go.

A badly choreographed brawl breaks out. Lights become sinister and red. A campy soundtrack of fight noises (punching, groans of pain, things shattering, etc.) plays.

Vanessa:
Get ready to cut out, Josh. Lights ready.

FEMALE ACTOR:
Everyone, stop!

Vanessa:
Lightssoundgo!

Sound cuts out, lights abruptly turn white again.

Vanessa:
Ready sound.

Josh:
Ready.

Actor:
It’s time for the first dance!

Kathryn:
Did I do that o—

Vanessa:
Shh.

Grumbling, the actors take their places for a dance, assembling themselves into awkward couples.

Vanessa:
And…

The couples bow to each other and launch into a waltz.

Vanessa:
Go.

Punk rock begins to play. The cast looks around, very confused.

Vanessa:
What the fuck is going on??

Josh, panicked:
I don’t know! She burned me this CD today, she must have mislabeled the tracks!

Vanessa:
Shit, shit. Fix it!!

Josh skips to the next track, which is actual, appropriate ballroom music. The cast gradually resumes dancing.

Bella, quite obviously attempting to cover:
Hmm, that new music is so strange. I prefer the old style. (Fake laughter.)

The dance continues, very disorganized and badly choreographed.

Vanessa:
Damnit Josh, that had better not happen again!

Josh:
Not my fault!

Vanessa:
What the hell, Josh. You always listen to the CD first. Always!

Josh:
Okay, okay, sorry.

The dance ends, offended parties still glaring daggers at each other.

James:
Well, Rebecca? Make your choice.

Elizabeth:
And you make yours!

James:
I have!

Matthew:
Have you?

Elizabeth:
How are we ever going to find our way home?

All of the actors and techies are dumbfounded.

Kai:
Wait, what?

Kathryn:
What the hell??

Josh:
What just happened??

Vanessa, frantically paging through the script:
Shut up, shut up…

Kathryn:
Wait, doesn’t she say that in the part where they’re in the forest?

Vanessa:
Are you fucking kidding me? (Turns more pages) She skipped, like, an entire fucking scene!

Celia, breaking character slightly:
Ahem… I said, “How are we ever going to find our way home?”

Bella, catching on, sort of:
Er, yes, we’re lost in this forest. Matthew, help us.

Matthew:
I, er…

Vanessa, into headset:
Eric, are you there? Hello? Booth to backstage. (Jabs clearcom button.) Damnit Eric, get on com! Eric, Eric, Eric—

Eric:
Yeah, hi, sorry about that. I’m here. What?

Josh:
They skipped everything. Get the smoke machine and the wheel out there!

Eric:
What the hell? ‘Nessa, what…?

Vanessa:
Celia has the IQ of a mushroom. She just skipped a whole scene. They’re in the goddamn symbolic abyss or whatever, so get the smoke machine going!

Eric:
Shit… okay…

Vanessa:
Shit, shit… Kath, I need you to go to cue (she checks her script) 37, but slowly. Fade it up manually.

Kathryn:
Um, okay… (She clicks the light board)

Lights slowly fade to something much dimmer. The actors huddle into a tight circle and crew members begin to roll the wheel around them in circles.

Josh:
This is the worst fucking symbolism ever.

Vanessa:
Eric, we need our damn smoke machine!

Eric:
I’m trying, I’m trying.

A few more moments of silence. Crew continues rolling the wheel in circles. Then, the fire alarm goes off.

Kai:
SHIT.

All techies spring to their feet.

Josh:
Guys, turn everything off and get outside the building.

Bella, yelling:
Ladies and gentlemen, please remain calm and proceed in an orderly fashion to the exits…

On the stage, there is complete chaos. Actors are screaming and running around. Any available crew should also be running around, screaming and adding to said chaos. The lights start to go crazy, fading up and down, until the entire stage blues out, then blacks out. It remains dark for a few moments. The lights flicker and come back on (the booth light is still red, the stage light is still white). Tech has paused in their exit and so is still in the booth, looking at the stage. The wheel is lying on the floor. The entire cast is standing there, dripping wet.

Kathryn:
Wait, was that the smoke machine?

Eric:
God. Damn. Sprinklers.

Bella:
Um… um… and the wheel of love continues to turn!

Bella hopefully strikes an ending pose. After a moment, a few more cast members catch on and pose. Two actors pick up the wheel and prop it up: it’s a part of the ending pose. Finally, the entire cast (plus the wheel) is posing and attempting to grin.

Josh:
What… the fuck.

Vanessa:
Kathryn, blackout.

Kathryn:
What?

Vanessa:
Shut the lights!

Blackout, including the booth.

End.