What the fuck are you thinking girl?

You’ve had everything handed to you; you’re doing so well.

It’s been so long since you’ve taken those vulgar drugs but now you sit here in an empty house with the pills on the bed next to you; hoping to god that you can get away with this trip. You tell yourself you’ll wake up at eight am. You tell yourself you’ll work for four hours. You tell yourself you’ll sleep. C’mon girl, you can get away with this; haven’t you gotten away with it billions of other times before?

But wasn’t this the drug that almost killed you? You took it every day back then; it’s been months and months. You’re tolerance has gone down, you can take less pills now. So why are you shaking so bad and why is your stomach clenching and why do you feel like you want to cry? This is stupid, fucking stupid, you know that. But your still gonna do it, you dumbass. Your last college grade reports told you that you have a 3.7. Why do you want to throw that away? You know that you don’t want to throw away your chance to study abroad and all it will be, so why the fucking fuck are you gonna take those pills?

It’s because being fucked up is so much fun. You remember all those days back when you could get away with it. But what if Mom find’s out? What if they just KNOW? They won’t be back until four tomorrow. If you work from nine to noon that gives you four hours to sleep. You’ll be fine after you sleep, you know this. But it will be hard work. You’ll have to go around those weedy little flower beds but then you’ll listen to your music. Four hours isn’t that long, specially since you’ll be riding out you’re high.

Just do it girl, you tell yourself. Just open that soda and down those pills. There are always consequences, but weren’t you willing to risk that in the first place anyways? Haven’t you already risked your life? That was back when you were young and stupid, you’re not anymore. You’re not. So why is your mind still so addicted to DXM? Why are you still a fucking DXM junkie? You don’t know. Maybe it’s because your all out of alcohol, which is easier to get away with.

Maybe not. Maybe it’s because your friend sat there all day and glorified it’s use. Your such as fucking idiot, girl. Such a fucking idiot. So take those pills to fend off those thoughts and wait for your high like a good little addict.

What the fuck are you thinking, girl?