Woolgathering

So.

(As she breathes deep, in and out.)

Let’s pretend.

Let’s pretend that we’re at school; let’s pretend summer’s over, let’s pretend it’s senior year again and we’re all alright.

Let’s pretend it’s October, or November. November’s better because I can pretend I’m wearing that sweater that makes me look so much slimmer, and that scarf that doesn’t really match any of my clothes but I had to buy it anyway, because shopping was always like that.

Let’s pretend it’s almost lunchtime, five to, and we’re congregated by Leah’s table, making plans for the weekend. Let’s pretend we like mini-golf, and let’s pretend we’ll go. Let’s pretend that Sharee’s excited, and let’s pretend that Leah makes a remark about Sharee and handling clubs. Let’s pretend that we laugh, hard, and even though the bell rings, we’re still laughing.

(It was never that funny, but it never needed to be.)

Let’s pretend that, when we head to the caf’, we see that cute guy from Pre-Cal at his locker, with his friends. Let’s pretend that you encourage me to say something or smile, and let’s pretend that I don’t, that we continue on without a second glance, no matter how much I want to look back.

(This daydream has no room for fairytales.)

Let’s pretend that we’re buying lunch today, and that

(a little bit of greed)

our favourites are the featured specials. Mac’ and cheese. Peach slushies.

(She’s embarrassed to admit that she doesn’t know their favourites.)

Let’s pretend we sit down to eat, and it’s good, and we’re happy, and we’re talking all over one another like we used to. Let’s pretend we’ve got homework that we’ll leave ‘til the day of. Let’s pretend that we’re griping about assigned partners and blind crushes and

(She’s getting desperate)

teachers who don’t know what they’re talking about and teachers who do know what they’re talking about but don’t want to tell you anyway, about your broken mp3 and my appointment to the optometrist and Leah’s laundry mishap and Sharee’s nuisance of a little sister where is that little sister now? Is she safe? I hope she’s safe, we should have been more worried, then and now and let’s pretend I didn’t just suggest that, let’s pretend that we were always the right amount of worried and this couldn’t have been our fault. Let’s pretend it isn’t, let’s pretend right from the beginning.

Let’s pretend none of us got a scholarship. Let’s pretend that you didn’t hate her for it, let’s pretend that we didn’t go for days without proper sleep and sustenance so we could all pass and make it into the same, top-notch school. Let’s pretend that we went our separate ways and met once or twice a month to catch up and things were fine.

Let’s pretend we didn’t forget about the money. Let’s pretend that we didn’t get fed up, that we didn’t take the advice of the friend of the guy from Pre-Cal because he smiled so kindly, spoke to us to nice. Let’s pretend that we never met him in the corner of that poorly-lit parking lot and his too-shiny Sunfire. Let’s pretend we went out for shakes instead; you like shakes, right?

(wrong. wrong. wrong.)

Let’s pretend we didn’t feel proud of ourselves after that. Let’s pretend we didn’t think it was a miracle, let’s pretend we thought it was disgusting and immoral and all those things we were supposed to think. Let’s pretend we ignored the guy the next day, instead of returning his jaunty grin and accepting his outstretched hand. Let’s pretend we walked away, and we were confident in the right things.

Let’s pretend we didn’t continue. Let’s pretend we didn’t get carried away. Let’s pretend that Leah isn’t screaming, that we can’t hear her crying. Let’s pretend that we don’t know where Sharee is but we’re sure that she’s happy because she can take care of herself. Let’s pretend that she can take care of herself, that she’s already taken care of herself and she’s fine. Let’s pretend that you’re not next, that I’m not next, that nobody’s next

(and that we’re just kissing concrete because we want to, right?)

Let’s pretend that didn’t hurt.

(Let’s pretend I’m sorry.)

Let’s pretend that there’s nothing to be sorry about.

(She’s embarrassed.)

Let’s pretend that we’re only sore because of gym first period. Let’s pretend

(She’s sick of school, she’s sick, but she’s never missed it more.)

that we can still run.

(Don’t say that.)

Let’s pretend

(Don’t)

Let’s

(DON’T)

Let’s…

(She’s shaking. It irritates her skin against the ground that’s gone out of focus.)

Let’s pretend they aren’t dragging you away.

(They’re dragging her away.)

Let’s pretend you’re not already hysterical.

(sick to her stomach)

Let’s pretend that I’m crying like you, for you.

(siiiiick)

Let’s pretend that it’s not because I’m afraid for when they come for me.

kwaieht: Maybe almost unsatisfied. We'll see how I feel tomorrow? Crits would be tres helpful. (And that's read, 'treh-zuh')