(Deb walks by)

J: She struts.

A: What do you mean, she struts?
J: Look at the way she walks. It's disgusting. No wonder she's got Rob under her trench tipped toes

S: She's a bitch. (General agreement.) I don't get it, how did she even get a job here?

A: She sleeps with everyone.

S: Oh yeah.

J: So she's a bitch and slut?

A: Basically.

(David walks by)

D: Afternoon, ladies. (J and A swoon)

S: Bug off, David. We're busy.

D: Doing what, gossiping about shoes?

S: Working. You know, since we're at work. On the clock. Here for a minute. That sort of thing. Now get lost.

(David is a little confused, he loses a bit of his cool)

D: Uh, right. (walks away)

J: (To S) what did you do that for?

S: He's an asshole. Remember how he broke Emma's heart last month? He and Deb belong together.

J: But he's beautiful!

SONG- LADIES' MAN

J: Ok, well maybe he has some faults, but he's still a chunk of sexy man flesh.

(Long pause)

S: Right. Anyway, back to Deb. Have you seen the way she is with Rob? I swear, she's gotta have something up her sleeve. Maybe she blackmails him.

A: Well, whatever it is, it works.

J: Speaking of blackmail, how are you and Josh?

S: Blackmail?

J: Just wanted to switch the conversation, thought I'd connect it somehow.

S: Oh. Ok. Well, Josh and I are good, of course, though I did tell him if he brought the kids late to school one more time I'd have to put him in time out. (All giggle)

A: Seriously?

S: Yep. And you know what happened next?

J: Fantasy role play involving a teacher, a bad student, and a lot of lace? (Long pause)

S: No. We put the kids to bed and then watched the news. We're married, Jenna.

J: I don't get how you can manage that. I think I'd die without regular sex. Really. You know, I hear it's good for the body. Gives you endorphins or something like that.

A: Jenna, that comes from exercising.

J: (Laughs) Exactly.

Rob: (Walks by) How's the work going girls?

(All rush to look busy- they ignore him)

S: (Looks up) Hm? Oh, hi Rob. Didn't notice you there. Got so busy with my customer reports. You know how that goes.

R: Of course. How far have you gotten?

S: (Clears throat) well, Uh...I've made a good start.

R: (Smiles happily.) Very well, then. And you two?

J: It's great

A: Never been better.

S: Working hard, rob.

J: Really hard.

A: Long and hard, this is

(Rob continues to smile happily.)

J: But it goes along quite smoothly.

A: Until you reach the end

J: And it's a great big rush to finish.

R: Right. End of the day. Tough, isn't it?

J: Hard.

A: Really hard.

S: Shut up.

(Rob looks around confusedly. Clears throat)

R: Right. Well, then, I guess I'll be seeing you ladies around. Keep working.

S: Of course. Hey Rob?

R: Yeah?

S: How are you and Deb doing?

R: (Smiles, pleased) We're great. I'm taking her out to dinner tonight. I've booked reservations on a boat. It's going to be beautiful.

(J and S make gagging faces off to the side)

S: Sounds nice. Ok, see you.

R: Bye. (Walks off)

A: Gag me.

J: How can he even stand her?

S: She's got to be blackmailing him.

A: Or else she's a really good actress.

J: It's disgusting.

S: And she's a bitch.

(They all look at each other.)

J: I think it's lunch time.

A: You're right, let's go

S: You guys go ahead. I've really got to catch up on these damn reports.

J: You sure?

S: Yeah. Go ahead.

(J and A leave)

S: (Moves around, fumbling reports) I'm so damn tired of these things. Always the same. Always the same. Mrs Rooney has a heart ache. Mr Tim feels he isn't well. (begins song) So damn tired! Miss Becca tripped and fell, Mr Auburn he- well- he can just go to hell! So damn tired-

Gene: Hey Sam.

S: (embarrassed) Oh, hey Gene.

G: Doing your reports?

S: Yeah

G: Hey listen, this might be a little awkward, but did you just hear some singing coming from around here?

S: ...no

G: Are you sure? I could have sworn...

S: Nope. It's just me. No singing here.

G: Well, I'm off to lunch. Want to go?

S: No thanks. I'm working, trying to get all these stupid things done.

G: Ok, see you later. (G leaves)

S: (Whispering) So damn tired...

Scene 2

Sam is asleep on top of a massive stack of papers. A few have fallen to the floor, and her desk lamp is the only light. Voices are heard off-stage

Deb: Are you sure this is going to work? (Walks on with David.)

Da: It's fool proof. We make some money, get a promotion, and wa-la, we're good to go.

De: It still seems a little sketchy. Explain again.

Da: Ok, listen. You know company policy, right?

De: Never give a customer their due if you can help it.

Da: Exactly. Well, say we happen to have this huge influx of people, with all sorts of traumas, heart problems, brain cancer, you know, whatever.

De: That's normal.

Da: And what do we usually do with them?

De: Deny them.

Da: Right, but let's say, for some reason, we start approving them.

De: Corporate won't like that.

Da: They won't even notice. This is a multi-billion dollar corporation. You think they care about Mr. Schmoe on the street with a bum knee?

De: Keep going.

Da: Well, let's say we take those people, approve them for their insurance, and have the money sent here to be disbursed.

De: And?

Da: And we tell little old Mrs. Peterson that her claim was denied.

De and ad: And take the money!

De: It's brilliant, but where exactly does the promotion part come in?

Da: After the money part. You see, by the time we're done taking all the money we could possibly want, corporate is going to see a decline in their profits.

De: How do we fix that?

Da: Simple. Stop the plan. Go back to normal. Roll around in our buckets of dough. The company sees a huge increase in profit, we tell them how we fixed everything up, and wam bam, we've got a promotion.

De: You think that's really going to work?

Da: Trust me. I've been here long enough to see how things go around here. How do you think I got this position?

De: You've done this before?

Da: Not exactly, but let's just say I know what to do. Unlike you, who sleeps with all the bosses. How is rob, by the way?

De: (Groans) Thrilled, I'm sure. I hope this works, I can't stand to be with him. He has a pecker the size of-

Da: Don't want to hear it.

De: Right

Da: So are you doing this?

De: If it gets me away from rob, sure. Did I mention the size of his-

Da: What about the money?

De: That too.

Da: (Trying to hit on her) Though, if you'd like, I've got a friend of my own. It's the size of-

De: save it, David. I only sleep with men who have more power than me.

Da: Ouch.

De: I can't wait to start

Da: It's going to be great

SONG- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH

(Song ends and they walk offstage. Sam slowly raises her head. She looks around, at the way deb and David have just walked off, at the audience, and her mouth falls open. She is stunned.)

Sam: They're gonna be rich? I should have known. That bitch. But what do I do? Do I tell someone, or do I try to blackmail her? (Pensive) Probably I should try to tell someone, but who? Rob? He wouldn't believe me. Jenna? Ashley? What can they do about it? I just don't know. (Grin) but I can be sure of one thing. She's going down.

SONG- SHE'S GOING DOWN.

Scene 3

Josh and Sam are sitting at the kitchen table, talking. Sam clutches a beer in one hand, while josh nurses a cup of coffee. It is morning.

J: Are you sure it's a scam?

S: They're stealing money from the company.

J: Maybe they're playing Robin Hood. You know, taking from the rich to give to the poor...

s: They sang an entire song about how they were going to be rich.

J: Sang?

S: Oh yeah, music, lyrics, choreography, the whole shebang. It was kind of weird, to tell you the truth.

J: I just don't see how they think they're going to get away with it.

S: Neither do I (She begins chugging the beer)

J: (Disgusted) Can't you wait until night at least before you do that?

S: Why? Life is better with a buzz.

J: I think your drinking is getting a little out of hand

S: Nonsense (Kids run in)

Kid 1: Mommy, what are you drinking?

S: It's called beer. Want a sip?

J: You can't give a kid beer! Go back to bed, you two. Mommy and I are having a talk.

Kid 2: But we want to try it!

S: (To Josh) Come on, just a little sip

J: You're sick.

S: Ok, ok, I was joking. To bed, you two. (Kids run off)

J: That wasn't funny.

S: I was kidding!

J: You're teaching them bad habits

S: J-o-k-i-n-g

J: It's wrong

SONG- ALCOHOLIC MOTHER

J: Now that we've established that, I have a few more questions to ask you.

S: (Out of breath) What kind?

J: First off, where were you last night?

S: I told you, I fell asleep and found out that whole thing with Deb.

J: What about the night before that?

S: I was out with the girl's.

J: It feels like you're so distant these days

S: We were just hanging out

J: Why can't I go with you?

S: Hon, girls night is for girls. You'd be bored.

J: The kids miss you.

S: What do you mean?

J: You're always gone all the time. They never get to see you.

S: What do you mean? I come home every night at 5

J: Not these last two nights.

S: I told you-

J: I just feel like you're so disconnected.

S: Disconnected?

J: We never talk anymore. You're always out. I just- I just don't understand you. (Josh leaves room, distraught)

S: I need another beer.

J: (From offstage) Your drinking is ruining our marriage!

S: Christ.

Scene 4

Back at work, Sam, Jenna, and Ashley are gossiping around the water cooler.

A: Seriously? A money scam?

S: That's what I heard.

J: It's disgusting.

S: It's bitchy.

A: It's genius.

S: What?

A: Deb may be a bitch-

S: And slut.

A: And slut, but she's got the right idea.

J: How?

A: Listen, how long have we worked here?

J: Ten years

S: Eleven for me

A: Exactly. She's only been here for 3, and somehow, she's gotten ahead of us.

S: She sleeps with the bosses.

A: Yeah, but she's also conniving.

J: That's a good thing?

A: That's a smart thing.

S: I don't get it.

A: Well, we know about this whole scheme of hers, right?

J: Yeah.

A: And I'm sure she doesn't want anyone to know, right?

S: Yeah.

A: We blackmail her.

S: I kind of already dismissed that idea, went for the whole “let's be honest and tell the truth” thing instead.

A: And you thought that would work?

S: It sounded good to me.

A: Honestly. Listen, all we have to do is approach her. Get up under her skin, let her know how things are going to be. She takes a cut from the company, we take a cut from her. We're all happy.

S: You think that'll work?

A: Positive. We've got enough on her to get her fired, Rob or not.

J: I did see this gorgeous lace thong the other day. It came with the cutest little maid's outfit.

S: And my roots are growing in more quickly these days.

A: And I saw this pair of jeans that were to die for- going for 400.

s: That's pretty expensive.

A: I'm sure deb wouldn't mind paying for those. (Evil grin)

SONG- WE'RE GONNA BE RICH

Scene 5

Deb and David standing conversing in a corner. Sam saunters up, looking pleased with herself.

S: Hey, Deb.

De: What do you want?

S: Oh you know, just having a little chat. Anything interesting going on lately?

Da: No, but there could be.

S: I'm still married David

Da: You don't have to be.

S: I want to be.

Da: Come on, one night with me and you'll never go back. You know what they say?

S: And what is that?

Da: Once you go black, you never go back.

S: (A beat) You aren't black.

Da: Yeah, but you know what they say about big feet, don't you?

S: No.

Da: It means you have a big-

De: God, David shut up.

Da: What?

De: Even I don't want to hear it.

Da: Oh.

S: Listen David, talking to you just now has really opened my eyes. Broadened my horizons. I think (Becoming seductive) that maybe you and I should meet.

Da: Really?

S: No. Beat it. (David leaves.)

d: So what did you really want?

S: Drop the act deb, I know all about you and your stupid scheme.

D: What do you mean?

S: I heard you last night, talking about your money scam with David

D: I haven't a clue what you're talking about.

S: Quit lying. Now, I won't give you up-

D: You have nothing on me

S: (Gives pointed look) I won't give you up, but I want a cut of the money.

D: (Incredulous) You're trying to blackmail me?

S: Let's just say I'm persuading you. Forcefully.

D: Dream on, Sam. You think anyone is going to believe you if you try to tell them I have some sort of scheme? Or did you forget that I'm dating your boss?

S: I think the company's going to notice when suddenly their profits go down.

D: You're crazy. You're stupid, and you're crazy. You've got no way to convince anyone. Now get out of my sight.

S: Deb- don't make me do this.

D: Do what?

S: I will tell them

d: Be my guest.

(Sam is frustrated, she begins to walk off, casts a look back at deb, then leaves)

D: (To herself) How did she find out? (Sits) I've got to talk to David We've got to call it all off. I could lose my job, I could go to jail! This is bad, this is really bad.

(Rob walks on)

R: Hey sweetie.

D: (Groans) Hey Rob.

R: You ready for dinner tonight?

D: Where are we going again?

R: Dinner on a boat, most expensive place in the city.

D: Sounds thrilling. (Pause) listen, I'm a little busy right now. Could you maybe- (She cuts off as an idea comes to her)

R: Maybe what?

D: You know, sweetie, I've been noticing that there's been a bit of slacking off in this office.

R: Slacking off?

D: Yeah, you know, coming in late, leaving early, gossiping instead of working.

R: I haven't noticed any of that.

D: Of course not (She stands and goes to brush his hair behind his ear. She coos) You're too nice to notice all those bad things. But I've been watching out for you. There's one in particular (They begin to walk offstage) you know that Samantha down in customer claims?

Scene 6

Sam walks on stage, where Jenna and Ashley already sit.

S: I did it.

A: And?

S: She laughed at me.

J: What?

S: She laughed at me.

A: What happened?

S: Well, I went up to her and told her, straight out, what I knew and what I wanted.

A: And she laughed at you?

S: Yeah.

J: Typical deb.

S: So now what do we do?

A: I don't know.

J: Is there anything else we can threaten her with?

S: Not really. She makes sure to keep a clean track record.

A: This sucks.

J: Yeah it does. (There is silence as they all look away, thinking. Rob walks on stage, with deb on his arm. He clears throat.)

A: (Looks up) Hey Rob.

R: Hello girls. (Deb looks smug)

S: Something wrong?

R: Yes, I think there is.

J: What is it?

R: It's been brought to my attention that there's been quite a bit of slacking in this department.

S: Slacking?

R: Yes, in fact, I have some papers... (Deb hands him papers. He thanks her and looks at them.) it looks here that we've had a serious decline in gross profit since last quarter. Now, I don't want to be the bad guy around here but-

S: Rob, you know that's because of the fall in stock prices. It's happening all over the country.

R: More here than in other places, I think.

A: That's not true.

R: (Desperate) Look, Sam, we're letting you go.

S: (Rises) What?

R: We've had reports about you. You show up late, you've got a drinking problem, you spend more time talking to other people than you do working. Just the other day you were seen sleeping on the job! You know, that doesn't fly here. I'm sorry, but you have to go.

S: I- I

(Jenna and Ashley are shocked. Deb looks more smug than ever.)

R: Listen, I don't want this to end badly. Just take your graceful ending. Know when to bow out. And let's not leave on bad terms, ok?

S: I can't believe you're firing me.

R: We're letting you go.

S: Firing, letting go, laying off, passing the stick, canning, they're all just euphemisms for one damn thing!

R: Now, Sam, calm down.

S: (Looks at Deb) This is bullshit.

R: We don't have that kind of language in the workplace Sam.

S: I'm obviously not a part of it any longer, now am I?

R: (Nervous, awkward. Clears throat) Right. Well, I've got to be going now. Got a lot of business to attend. (to Jenna and ashley) Good day, you two. (walks off with Deb)

A: I can't believe this.

J: It's ridiculous.

S: You know why it happened, don't you?

A: Why?

S: It was Deb. I got to her. She used Rob so she could continue her stupid scam without any hassles.

J: Would she really do that?

A: You better believe it.

S: This is a new level of scum.

A: You don't think-

S: What?

A: You don't think she'll come after Jenna and I, do you?

S: I didn't mention you guys.

A: (Visibly relieved) That's good. I mean, it sucks that she did that to you, but I really can't afford to lose my job.

J: Neither can I.

S: And I can?

A: No, but at least you've got a husband to help you out.

S: (Flatly) He sits at home and watches the kids all day.

A: So, let him go out and work. Get him off his fat butt.

J: Yeah, like you said, you're married. You don't even have sex. You can't have that many expenses.

S: We have two kids.

J: And?

S: (Exasperated) Never mind.

A: We're sorry, Sam.

J: We really are.

S: Yeah.

SONG- WATER-COOLER FRIENDS.

Scene 7

In Rob's office, Rob is sitting down and Deb is giving him a neck massage. He looks stressed, she still wears her smug smile.

R: It doesn't feel right.

D: It always hurts to be mean sweetie, but what you did is right. You helped the company, and that's what matters.

R: You're right.

D: I know.

R: I didn't know she had a drinking problem before you told me.

D: She covered it well.

R: And the STD's!

D: She's a great actress.

R: Though I don't know if she really could have killed her own mother.

D: Would I lie to you?

R: No, you wouldn't. Are you ready for tonight?

D: Of course. Want to leave early and get out there?

R: (Grins) You read my mind (Gets up)

D: You go ahead, I'll be out in just a minute.

R: Ok (Walks offstage)

D: He's a fool.

SONG- PITY THE FOOL

Scene 8

Sam and Josh are sitting at home. They are at the same table. She is still in her work clothes. A box with personal belongings from work is set on the table. She is telling Josh the news.

S: And then, she fired me.

J: She fired you?

S: Well, Rob did, but she manipulated him into doing it.

J: How sure of that are you?

S: Positive. It's because I threatened to expose her scam.

J: There's no way she'd do that to you over a stupid thing like that.

S: Work is her life. If I told everyone, she'd be ruined. She's slept with many a fellow to get here, and wouldn't take kindly to having all her hard work taken away.

J: But still-

S: I'm telling you, it's true.

J: It just seems so insensitive.

S: She's a bitch, Josh. She doesn't know anything about sensitivity.

J: So, what are we going to do for money?

S: I guess I'll have to find another job.

J: Where?

S: I don't know.

J: Wow long will that take?

S: I don't know that either.

J: Well, we can use this as an opportunity, right?

S: What?

J: You know, time to spend with the children, get to know your family., those sorts of things.

S: Josh, I've got to find a job within the month or we're SOL.

J: What's that?

S: Shit out of luck.

J: How vulgar.

S: You get my point. Now help me look for a new job.

(They search the paper, looking through the classifieds)

J: Here, there's a job as...dancing chicken at Pete's Hot Wings. (S gives him a nasty look) what about cashier at the local Shake N' Bake?

S: Are you trying to be funny?

J: (A beat) Maybe.

S: It's not working. I need another beer.

J: You'll kill yourself, you know.

S: I'll die someday anyway.

J: You're bringing it closer.

S: Look, at least I don't eat my worries away, ok?

J: I'd love you even if you were fat.

S: I doubt it, I still love you though.

J: So you're calling me fat?

S: What? I never said that.

J: You implied it.

S: Did not.

J: Did too.

S: Ok, well maybe you could stand to lose a few, but-

J: WHAT?

S: I'm just saying that-

J: How stereotypical. Next you're going to be telling me my pants make me look fat.

S: I would never say that! ...out loud.

J: This is ridiculous. Look, just apologize, and I'll forget this ever happened.

S: Apologize? What for?

J: You hurt my feelings.

S: (Snorts, gets up and gets another beer) Christ.

J: Say it.

S: Hold on (Pops top. Takes long drink) Ok, fine, I'm sorry I called you fat.

J: Well, I don't forgive you.

S: What?

J: You didn't sound sincere.

S: (Shakes head) Men. (Goes to sit at table)

J: (After a minute of silence) Are you mad at me?

S: No.

J: (Trying to be sweet) Well, let's just keep looking for jobs then, ok?

S: It's hopeless.

J: It's day one.

S: Yeah, and I haven't made any progress.

J: Keep your chin up, you'll find something.

S: In this market? I doubt it. Might as well give up now.

J: You've just got to keep looking

SONG- JUST KEEP LOOKING.

(Sam walks offstage as song starts. She comes back as it ends, in robe and slippers, hair mussed, a five o clock shadow on her face. She's got coffee in one hand, another beer in the other. She alternates drinking them.)

S: It's hopeless

J: It's only day 30.

S: I can't find a job (Hiccups) I'm a failure as a wife!

J: Look, you aren't a failure.

S: I am! I'm a big, fat, failure! I can't even find a stupid job to support my family.

J: Dancing chicken is still open at Pete's Hot Wings.

S: You make me sick.

J: Look, why don't I, you know, just, just get a job.

S: What?

J: Just for a while, while you're down on you're luck. I don't mind Pete's Hot Wings, and one of us has to be working in order to pay the mortgage.

S: What would I do then?

J: Watch the kids.

S: Like, take care of them?

J: That's typically how it works.

S: I...guess...

J: You'll love it. More time with the kids, you can take them to school, pick them up, make their lunches...

S: Great.

J: I imagine you'll be pretty domesticated, then.

S: Wait, do I have to clean, too?

J: Yep. All in a day's work.

S: Pete's is starting to sound pretty good right now.

J: Go ahead, I like staying at home.

S: No, it's ok, I have too much pride t be a dancing chicken.

J: I don't, so-

S: I know.

J: Well, I suppose I should go get ready- get an application, have an interview. That's how these things work, right?

S: Typically.

J: Great.

SONG- CHICKEN WINGS AND DOMESTCATION.

Scene 9

Sam is dressed in a womanly fashion, ie apron, etc etc. she is going to the bank, where she is depositing Josh's latest check- marked clearly- it is for 150.00. she walks in on Deb making a huge deposit, some large number or other.

S: (Clears throat as she stands awkwardly in line)

d: (Clears throat too. Silence.)

s: (Under breath) Bitch.

D: Excuse me?

S: Hm?

D: Did you just say something?

S: Me? Of course not. (Silence) Slut.

D: What?

S: Hm?

D: If you have something to say, you can say it to my face.

S: Deb, there are a lot of things I want to say to you, but unfortunately I haven't got the time. I've got to go pick up the kids in half an hour.

D: So you've become...domesticated.

S: Kids are kids.

D: Thank god I haven't got any.

S: Bosses make you get abortions?

D: What?

S: That's what they are, aren't they? After all, aren't you the one who so happily told me?

D: You disgusting little-

S: Don't even think about it Deb. Being a mom has made me a lot tougher. It takes a different caliber of woman to raise a couple of children, and I could whoop your ass in twenty seconds.

D: Want to try me?

S: I'm a little worried, though, how many bosses have you slept with?

D: You're getting awfully close...

S: Just make sure to keep your flapping vag away from my face. No diseases please, I'm a busy woman these days.

D: (Lunges toward Sam. They hit the floor together and roll around, fighting. Everyone looks on in astonishment. Blank is fired from offstage, and a person in a mask runs in.)

Burglar: Everybody down!

(Screaming as people get on the floor. D and S ignore B)

B: I said, everybody down! (notices D and D) What the? (Walks over to them, and pokes them with his gun, prodding them apart) This is a stick up, bitches, you can keep your fight until after I get my dough, all right?

S: She deserves it.

B: Why's that?

S: Slut got me fired.

B: Is that right? Same thing happened to me last year, a fucking bitch named Deb- (Looks over at D. recognizes her) Speak of the devil. I see you're still up to your nasty ways. Haven't changed a bit, have you Deb?

D: Who are you, again?

B: (Pulls off mask) What, you don't recognize your old boss?

S: Holy shit. Tim?

T: The one and only. Sam, isn't it?

S: Yep.

T: And Deb, of course. How could I forget?

D: Tim?

T: Yeah, you know, the one you slept with.

S: Hate to break it to you sweetie, but you're not the only one.

T: Got another man now?

S: She's had several. Boss man types, you know.

T: Oh yeah, I know. I was one of them.

D: Listen, Tim, about that.

T: Shut up (Waves gun at her) I'm trying to have a conversation here, and your mouth is open as wide as your legs, so if you'd like to close one, or both, I'd be thrilled.

D: (Astonished, her mouth hangs open)

T: I said, close them. (He prods her and she closes her mouth and crosses her legs) Anyway, she got me fired last year after I promoted her. I think she made up something about a money scam. I don't know, I never really learned what happened.

S: And now you're into...bank robbing?

T: It pays the bills.

S: I suppose.

T: When did you get fired?

S: About a month and a half ago.

T: What are you doing?

S: Taking some time off, being a mom, you know.

T: (Surprised) Gone all domesticated on us, have you?

S: I don't know why everyone's so surprised.

T: Just didn't expect it out of you. Your husbands finally grown some balls then? Got a real job?

S: He's the dancing chicken at Pete's Hot Wings.

T: Ouch.

S: It pays the bills.

T: Really?

S: no, but at least it keeps our house from getting repossessed. Some of them.

T: Fair enough.

S: So, how did you get into bank robbing?

T: Well, I was in much the same position as you, though I found myself working as...working as...

S: as what?

T: Well, as the scrambled egg for Pete's Egg House.

S: Wait, you were the scrambled egg? The guy who ran around on the street corner harassing pedestrians and shouting scramble me timbers?

T: You can see why I started robbing banks, then.

S: Yeah, yeah I can.

T: Anyway, it's all thanks to this little piece of work over here.

S: Here here.

T: And I think it's time to teach her a lesson.

S: I was, right before you got here.

T: A real one, one she'll never forget.

S: Yeah.

T: A good one.

S: A real good one.

T: A serious one.

S: A real serious one.

T: So I'll shoot her.

S: So you'll- wait- what?

T: I'm going to shoot her.

S: With your gun?

T: No, with my spaghetti tosser. Yes, with my gun.

S: Dead?

T: That's the idea.

S: But you could get in trouble!

T: I'm robbing a bank.

S: Good point.

D: Wait, you can't shoot me!

T: Why not?

D: I've got every right to live as much as you!

T: (To Sam) Who's she sleeping with now?

S: My boss, Rob.

T: Case and point. Last words, Deb?

D: I, I.

S: Hold on a minute, Tim.

T: Ugh, why?

S: I want to talk to her.

T: Voluntarily?

S: Unfortunately.

T: All right, hurry up, I haven't got all day. The police should be here soon.

S: I'll make it quick. (S takes D away to the corner)

S: So, Deb.

D: What?

S: Looks as if you're finally getting your due.

D: You're really going to let me die?

S: Let's see, you plotted a scam to take down the company I'd invested 11 years in, I caught you, threatened you, and you got me fired. My husband now works as a dancing chicken and I spend my mornings drinking coffee instead of beer and making PB&J sandwiches for my little brats.

D: You tried to blackmail me.

S: That's not the point. The point is, I can keep Tim from killing you.

D: Really?

S: If I so chose.

D: How?

S: Not your problem. The thing is, I can't find a single reason to keep you alive.

D: The love and compassion you hold in your heart?

S: I just tried to beat the shit out of you. Try again.

D: Your inconceivable value of human life?

S: I believe in abortion. Try again.

D: Your desire to maintain a good world order?

S: I don't think you're getting me here, deb. What can you give me to make me want you alive?

D: (Quietly) your job?

S: What was that?

D: (Clears throat) your job?

S: Not just my job, Deb.

D: My job?

S: Exactly. And how are you going to do that?

D: I don't know.

S: How are you going to do that?

D: By telling Rob-

S: Who?

D: Rob-

S: Rob, my old boss, the man that you're fucking?

D: Yes.

S: Ok.

D: I'm going to tell Rob that he needs to give you my job.

S: And he'll listen?

D: He always listens.

S: You realize if you don't do as you say I'll bring Tim back on your ass so quickly you won't even feel the barrel against your face.

D: I realize.

S: Ok, then. Now say “I'm a filthy, disgusting bitch slut that sleeps with men for power.”

D: What?

S: Say it.

D: I'm a filthy.

S: With meaning.

D: I'm a filthy, disgusting bitch slut that sleeps with men for power.

S: And I stink.

D: What?

S: Say it!

D: And I stink.

S: Bad.

D: Bad.

S: Ok, I'll go talk to Tim. You stay here. (S goes off to speak quietly to Tim. They walk over together.)

T: Sam has just informed me that I shouldn't kill you.

D: Uh-huh.

T: And I guess I'll listen to her- not for you though. I want you to know that. Not for you. If it wasn't for her, you'd be a dead duck, your goose would be moosed, your fowl would be foul, your vajayjay would be a rotting blue jay, your-

S: I think we get it, Tim.

T: Right .Anyhow. I'm going to let you live, because Sam here says that if I do, she has a chance at getting her old life back. And I respect that, so I'm going to help her out. But remember, you don't do as she says, your goose will be moosed, your fowl-

S: Right. Thanks Tim.

T: (Clears throat) Right. Anyway, I better get out of here before the cops show up. I'll see you two later. And Deb, you were a shitty fuck. (Walks offstage)

S: guess I it's time for you to own up, then.

D: Ugh, I guess. (They walk offstage)

Scene 10

Jenna and Ashley are at work again, gossiping. Sam walks on stage, Deb in tow. She is back in her work clothes, and she looks thrilled.

J: (Seeing Sam) Sam!

A: Sam!

S: Hey guys.

A: What are you doing here?

S: Deb was gracious enough to bring me back. In fact, she even gave me her job.

J: What?

S: Yeah. It meant she got demoted, but she did it for the good of the company. Didn't you,deb?

D: Yeah.

A: I don't-

J: That is-

A: Wow!

J: Cool!

A and J: We're glad to have you back!

S: Never missed my water-cooler friends more.

A and J: Huh?

S: Never mind. Anyways, I'm glad to be back.

(Rob walks on stage)

R: Morning ladies. Deb, I need to have a word with you.

D: Yes?

R: It has come to my attention that you've been planning to drain money from the company.

D: (Turns to look at Sam, who is grinning smugly)

r: No, Deb, it wasn't her. David came and told me all about it. Seems he was a bit miffed you wouldn't sleep with him.

D: Rob, I-

R: Well, if there's one thing I can say about you, at least you were faithful.

(Random man walks on stage)

M: Hey Deb, last night was great. When are we going to screw again?

R: Who the hell is that?

A: Harvey, he's the new district supervisor.

R: (Face hardens) Deb, I've only got one thing to say to you.

D: What?

R: YOU'RE FIRED!

SONG- WHEN YOU'RE A BITCH.