I can’t do this.

I can’t be your crutch anymore. I like to think that I’m good for you, that I inspire you to want to be better. But sometimes I feel like you need a great kick in the ass and yet… I’m not the one to give it to you. It’s not my place. And I don’t want to be the naggy girlfriend.

Since your parents don’t step in, clearly, the only person who can kick your ass into gear is you.

Not me.

You.

I’m tired of this.

I’m tired of hearing about dreams from you that will never come into fruition because you don’t have the ambition or drive to go for them. If you want to get a job, go fucking get a job! Don’t talk about it. Do it. If you want to do this with so-and-so, just call them! Jesus. It’s not that hard.

I know we’re different. I know that there are situations that we handle differently. But come on. This is common sense, this is reality, this isn’t a life-or-death situation.

I mean, really?

Really?

I don’t know what I want.

Is this puppy love? Is this something more? I’m too young for this to be true-The-Notebook- kind of love. But at the same time, I don’t think it’s puppy love. It’s kind of like feeling-out-the-tide-wading-in-the-pool kind of love. It’s treading-through-uncharted-waters love. It's exploration love; it’s you and me with a broken compass and whole hearts. I don’t know what it is and I don’t know what I want.

And honestly?

I don’t think that you know, either.

I love you.

It’s like you unlock this treasure chest and these emotions, these rich, deep emotions that I didn’t know I had, come rushing out. I like who I am with you. You make me happy. I like to think I make you happy as well.

I think we owe it to ourselves, if we really care that much about each other, to take a step back and think about what we want. I don’t want to break your heart. That’s the one thing I’m terrified will happen.

I hope you don’t hate me. I think the one thing I fear above all else is that if this ever ends, you won’t be in my life anymore. I don’t want to know what that feels like.

You’re not just my boyfriend.

You’re my best friend.

I don’t know you anymore.

I do, but I don’t. We’re constantly changing and it’s been relatively easy to catch up, but after what happened last weekend I suddenly see this divide that’s been building between us for the past month and I don’t know where it came from, but it scares me and it’s an issue that needs to be addressed.

If we ignore this, then we’re doing each other a disservice. I don’t want to pretend this never happened or that these feelings will go away because instead they’ll grow between us and then we’ll resent each other.

That’s why I’m doing this.

Because we’re better than that.

That being said, I think we need some space.

Even if I’m telling you that we shouldn’t see each other for a while, it’s not breaking up with you. I don’t want to do that. I don’t want to let you go completely. I don’t want us to see other people (!!) I just want us to step back. Think about what we want. Maybe focus on other things for a while. Maybe ourselves? Our friends?

School’s starting up soon. We can think of it as a fresh start? I don’t want you to think I’m abandoning you for my homework. That’s not it. I don’t know what I want when it comes to school and I’m okay with that. I don’t know what I want when it comes to you and it terrifies me.

Okay?

You’re important to me.

Don’t ever doubt that.

Hey, you.

I still think you’re great. I still think we're great together, but right now, we’re better apart. I feel like that’s what I am—only a part of myself. When did that happen? A few weeks ago I thought I was whole. I thought we were fine. And it scares me how fast these feelings change. Can I chalk it up to being young? I don’t want to use my age as an excuse. But I can’t help but wonder if perhaps we’re being too serious about this. That’s why this space will do us good. We can figure out what we both want, and if we can meet somewhere in the middle. If we as pieces change, can we still find someway to fit together like a puzzle?

But just remember, I love you.

Please don’t forget that.

Love,

Me