CHAPTER ONE

Car keys and other items.

Instructions on the fridge.

Don’t forget your soccer uniform this time! No Mum to drop it off for you!

The mail. The worst part. Bills, overdue library books. Postcards. The tropical rainforests of North Queensland. St. Kilda in Melbourne. Cradle Mountain in Tasmania.

Painful memories of holidays creep up. I push them away.

Lost videos found. More memories.

Although many people were in the house, it felt empty. I couldn’t bear to stay here. I had to.

Aunt Julie in the guest room. Uncle Peter & Alice on the fold out sofa bed. Jess, Mandy and Jamie in my room. Special permission from parents. “Only one more week until school starts. I don’t see why not.”

School. Memories bombard my mind once more.

Pre-primary. Tears and fears.

Year Seven. Graduation. Crying mother; proud father.

Scenes from a dream.

White.

The kitchen, the living room, the hallway entry. All white.

Masses upon masses of flowers.

Irises, lilies, tulips and roses.

Small cards, large cards conveying ‘Deepest Sympathies’ and ‘I’m Sorry About Your Loss’.

One week passes me by - a day dream gone horribly wrong.

Then the funeral.

A large procession; the black hearse.

Colours everywhere. Bright blue, sunny yellow.

Each guest a balloon. My two a lime green and metallic gold – favourite colours.

Hundreds floating away in the air, lost souls travelling to heaven.

Speeches after speeches. Coffins side by side. Personal items lay inside.

Dad’s keys to the BMW, the barramundi he caught on a fishing trip.

Mum’s old teddy bear, a family photograph.

I scatter roses on the coffins as they are lowered into the ground, away, gone forever.

‘Hallelujah’ plays softly in the background. An escaped tear down my cheek.

A wake held afterwards, back at the house. The will read out.

Uncle Peter gets the BMW, a spare key already cut for such situations. Aunts and Uncles get old antiques.

Me – heirlooms, jewellery, photographs, money. Basic treasures.

Whispers of conversations. “What becomes of the girl?” “What will happen to the house?” Meaningless questions.

Aunt Julie has taken charge.

Debts are paid off, items returned.

I don’t sleep at night – it shows. Deep and dark bags form.

School friends visit, whispering about my changed appearance.

I try not to cry – it is too painful.

When I wake up?