Massri

They tell me that Ethan jumped. I can’t exactly say that I’m shocked. I’ve dated a lot of boys in my time, and none of them were quite as devoted as Ethan was. He would call me all of the time, even into the wee hours of the night, telling me how much he loved me. He even wrote me a love song. It wasn’t that I didn’t appreciate the constant displays of affection; he was quite a sweet boy, actually. It’s just that it was a bit stifling.

That last day, he took his six-string and me up onto the roof of his apartment building. It was our spot, the spot where he asked me out and the spot where we shared our first kiss. At twilight, it offered the perfect view of the city, cast into strange colors available only at dawn and dusk.

That was the place where he sang me that song. It was a beautiful song, truly it was, a simple melody that could have been about any girl, but I knew it was about me. It was so lovely, from the way he barely enunciated his words to the chords he struck. It was so haunting and so beautiful that it made me want to cry.

As the tears welled, he stopped to wipe them away. Ever the gentleman. I could get so used to being treated that way. But I couldn’t, not with Ian waiting for me to break things off. Maybe I should have dumped Iain instead; Iain wasn’t nearly as sweet and loving as Ethan was; he was just a bit prettier and a bit more popular.

Regardless of the way I felt about Iain, Ethan’s sweetness was just too much for me. He was so fragile, and I couldn’t be with someone that breakable, could I? No, I was right to end things.

That doesn’t mean it didn’t break my heart to see his face after I said those God-awful words.

“Ethan, we can’t keep this going anymore,” I whispered as he strummed absent-mindedly on his guitar. Instantly, the strumming stopped as he trained his intense gaze on my face.

“You can’t be serious,” he said in that too-soft voice that made my heart melt.

“I am. You’re sweet and I truly do love you, but…” I allowed my voice to trail off, unwilling to finish my sentence. He closed his eyes and sighed.

“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” he finished for me, guessing the truth.

“Yes,” I admitted. “I love you, and I always will, but I’ve got to move on.” He said nothing for a while, and I struggled with my decision as I listened to his breathing.

“You’re all that I’ve got, Massri,” he whispered, only barely-audible. It made my heart break, but there was no turning back now. Iain would be so angry if I failed to end this relationship.

“I’ll still be here,” I said, struggling to keep the sobs away. “I’ll always be here, just as a friend.”

“That’s not enough for me, Mas,” he said, turning his attention to his guitar. I noticed a tear fall from his eye and instantly, my sight became blurry with my own tears.

“It’ll have to be,” I muttered. He closed his eyes, but said nothing more. We sat in silence for several minutes until I got up and walked to the stairwell. I looked over my shoulder to catch his gaze, but he was still looking away from me. Feeling much sadder than I had meant to, I walked down the stairs and out into the street.

When I got home, I had a message on the machine telling me that he was in the hospital. I feel so awful about what I must have put him through. I didn’t dare tell his mother about what went on between Ethan and me; she’s so adamant that the whole thing was an accident; how could I tell her otherwise? But I know, in my heart, that he jumped. He must have.

But how can I live with myself knowing that it was my fault?