"5...

4...

3...

...

...Annnnd, rolling!"

"Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the very first 'Jimmy Tullman Show'! I'm Jimmy Tullman, and this is my show! On the 'Jimmy Tullman Show' I, Jimmy Tullman, will be discussing various issues facing the world today. But first, please welcome our guest – Ronald Heyman!"

"Hey, Jimmy – thanks for having me."

"Don't mention it...now, Ronald – may I call you Sam?"

"... Er, I'd rather you called me Ronald."

"Gary?"

"Just Ronald will be fine..."

"Johnny!"

"Ron! Just...just call me Ron, okay?"

"Okay 'Ron'...firstly, here on the 'Jimmy Tullman Show' I intend to make a point of addressing things that are of vital importance to today's America."

"That sounds great, Jimmy. Where do you want to start?"

"Peanuts."

"...excuse me? You want to talk about peanuts?"

"Exactly, Larry – peanuts."

"It's Ron..."

"What do you think about peanuts? Are they fruit, or not?"

"Why does it matter?"

"Well, what if they're actually a vegetable? You can't put vegetables in fruit punch – unless you're from Hawaii. I mean, if you'll put pineapple in your punch, you'll pretty much throw anything in, right?"

"But pineapples are fruit, Jimmy..."

"Nuh-uh, Gary, that's where you're wrong. You see, although it is a common misconception, a pineapple is – first and foremost – a tropical pinecone. Hence why the 'pine' comes first. If it were really a fruit, then it would've been called an 'applepine,' see? It's common sense, Barney..."

"Ron! Dammit, it's Ronald...and you're wrong, a pineapple is a fruit, plain and simple."

"Have a bit of Hawaiian blood in us, do we Gerald? It's okay, we all have something we're too proud to accept is wrong..."

"Can...we...please...move on?"

"Of course, I understand! You must be a busy man, Benjamin... okay, next topic of discussion; the war in Iraq."

"Ah, finally! A subject we can have a serious debate about – what do you wish to know, Jimmy?"

"Now I'm sure that that you, like me, want our boys home as soon as possible and, if you're anything like me, then I'm sure you've been thinking long and hard about how to end the war quickly. Do you want to hear my ideas?"

"With a resounding sense of dread, I guess I have to..."

"Well, Sean, first off I came up with this; we should get Japan to join our side."

"Uhh... that's actually a good idea, I think..."

"And then, once they're officially part of our great armed forces, I believe the President should claim their technology in the name of the Good Fight! That way, we can storm every rebel settlement and Taliban cave with our new custom-built, transformable mechas!"

"...Sorry, but what the...?"

"Just imagine – our UAVs spot an enemy outpost deep in the mountains, but it's too dangerous to seen regular infantry! What to do? Easy, send out a small squadron of F-22s, only these fighters transforms into walking behemoths of destruction! It'd be like that scene in 'Iron Man' only they're a lot taller and there's a helluva lot more of them! Wouldn't that be awesome? Not only would it end the war quickly, but it'd do it in style, too!"

"...I gave up my meeting with Sony for this?"

"I'm sorry, Harry, but I'm going to have to cut you off there as we pause for these commercials – after the break: Sonic booms – caused by breaking the sound-barrier, or caused by little blue hedgehogs after one too many Chili dogs?"

"...get my agent on the phone, I'm out of here..."

"Ladies and gentlemen, Elvis has left the building!"

"IT'S RONALD, DAMMIT! RONALD!!"