Moral Conflicts 2:

Conscience

“Hi, sorry I’m late,” Elata apologised with a polite bow.

Her cheery smile lifted my mood, her sweet voice drowned me in the depths of honey and her innocent looks roused the darkest corners in me. We’re close friends --- she; a rape victim, I; her perpetrator.

Both of us were born in a land where money is everything. Robbery, bribery and assassination was nothing but everyday business. A lawless country governed by money. The richest ruled the world while the poor writhe under their tyranny. Law, police, and military, none of which were not controlled by money. While internal wars waged between the wealthy, the poor suffered. I belonged to neither ends of poverty nor wealth; I was a middle class citizen. Elata on the other hand, wasn't that fortunate.

Elata was very lucky to be fished out of this shit hole while I was only temporary stationed here in this peaceful country. A great contrast to our homeland, this was one place where pulling the right strings gets you to places regardless of social status. Her brother who helped migrating the whole family here was one live example. Money doesn’t speak as loud anymore thus reputable business companies flock over here for stability.

I threw my arms in the air, “All the girls I go out with always make me wait!”

She giggled, “Isn’t it a guy’s duty to wait for girls?”

I shrugged uneasily.

Years ago my ‘rich kid’ companions came up with an elaborate plan to rape this innocent girl from a neighbouring town. I shared the same thirst as these monsters --- a hunger to see humans suffer, cry in anguish.

Why rape?

Because it’s the easiest and quickest way to penetrate the human mind whether regardless of male or female. Moreover, if she carried any of our children, it would deepen the scar inflicted on her.

They label us people ‘perverts’ but we’ve always looked upon that term in disdain. We’re not dirty minded fools who’d give in to our sexual lust. We’re people who enjoy the ‘other side’ of life! We’re humans with moral insanity.

That case didn’t go unreported of course and we were called in for investigation. Thanks to my rich companions we were let go without question. In this society money talks --- Morality? Responsibility? Justice? All nothing but slaves of money. The rich people ruled the place while the poor writhe in fear. I belonged somewhere in the middle and was glad to have caught a ride on the high side.

“So ... I decided to pick a new course,” She said as we walked down the street.

“Well, that’s a good idea. It’s always a good thing to learn new stuff.”

She’s a nice person --- kind to everyone, loyal to friends and a very innocent character. Sometimes she’s so cute in her action I can’t help to feel ‘aw …’. Only a heartless freak would harm a person like that. I feel guilty to be that freak; nevertheless the thought of it made my blood trickle with excitement. While part of this was beating me over this, another was enjoying the pain.

I can’t recall when I became like this; it must have been a very long time ago. I’m not living a happy man but I’m enjoying this perverted sense of pleasure --- self torturing conscience.

A patch of moving fur caught my attention as I deviate myself into an innocent form of self pleasuring; petting cats. These innocent creatures were the only thing left that draws a clear line between the normal me and the perverted me.

“Oh it’s so cute!” Elata squeaked.

The stray cat rubbed its head against my hand. “Yeah,” I agreed, “calico cats are very cute.”

“No, I was talking about you.”

“What?” My face was painted red with embarrassment.

These were the only times where I could truly forget our unique relationship.

“My family told me to stay away from you,” her gaze turned away, “said you were a bad person ... but how bad can an animal lover be?”

Her family probably knew I was one of the culprits already. In a way I was grateful they had not revealed anything to her yet.

I sent her home at the end of the day after which I returned to mine to rest up for tomorrow’s work. As I rested comfortably on the soft bed, memories of the incident haunted me once more.

---

There were five people including me. Three pinned her down; one forced himself on her while the last videotaped it. We took turns until we were satisfied. As the night went on, her screams of defiance slowly turned into cries of anguish and fear. Her struggles slowly changed into submission which made us even more thrilled.

The video tape was hidden safely away by one of my rich companions. No duplication was made; we didn’t want to blackmail or be blackmailed. Occasionally we’d gather at someone’s place where they would screen the tape in a private room. Apparently Elata wasn’t their only victim but she was my first and only.

Fate had to play a joke on me as I stumbled across a girl resting on a rooftop’s parapet of a tall building. My heart was pumping full of adrenaline when I saw that. I knew I had to be up there to witness everything. So I made way to where she was. Guilt flushed over me when I saw Elata’s face yet I had no intention of stopping her.

She looked at me with a blank face and mumbled something.

“Look,” I said firmly, “I’m not here to stop you; I just want to get a clearer view when you jump.”

Cold breeze gently slapped my cheeks as I surveyed the bottom. We were ten stories high; below was an empty car park. If she’s lucky her head would splatter all over the road. If not she would be paralysed for life. Both ideas brought my mood so high I incidentally lectured her on the consequences of suicide by jumping.

“We’re ten stories high,” I began, “if your head lands first you’d die painlessly. If not you’d suffer a little trauma before losing consciousness. Worse still you might live a vegetable!”

She shot me a blank expression. “What do you suggest then?”

The excitement subsided as guilt rose within me. I’ve never seen a victim straight in the eyes before. That very moment, all I could feel was her family’s anguish of losing a dear one and not my sadistic need for twisted pleasure. Confused, I turned away as I carried on my theory.

“I suggest you jump from a building at least fifty stories high. That way the pressure is bound to break your neck before hitting the ground.”

She descended from the parapet facing down as I attempted to read her thoughts with no avail. Somehow I wished she would drop the notion of suicide and go back to her family. That was so not me. Nevertheless I gave her my name card to call if she ever wanted to jump again. With my rich companions around, I was confident this wouldn’t land me in any sort of troubles.

I didn’t sleep well that night as the little meeting ghosted me. Her suicide would be beneficial to us. Moreover next time when we relieve the moment, we could enjoy it with more pleasure knowing she died of the trauma we inflicted on her. The notion brought me to a new level of highness but when her family came into the picture, it threw me down to the depths of depression. I’ve never faced my conscience with this much power before.

Days later she dropped me a call of thanks. She dropped the notion of suicide and wanted to thank me for convincing her to step down whether or not I truly wanted to see her die. That was how we knew each other. I’d try to company her on weekends as often as I could. Due to our unique relationship, she was the only thing left that excites me greatly. Knowing she would be around longer, the guilt I experienced days ago faded away.

She started dating me for simple meals. She seemed to be craving for companionship while I conveniently happened to be around. We went shopping on weekends, sometimes amusement centres. As time went past I found myself growing on her in a sweet innocent way. At times I regretted not knowing her earlier --- perhaps I wouldn’t have turned into the monster I am today.

I was always alone to face all sorts of drama happening in my family; there were no one I could share with. Being a coward who runs away from the simplest problems, they somehow caught on with my pace and engulfed me in a shroud of darkness. Instead of fear, I embraced it with every bit of sanity left within me. It felt good until the Elata incident. Nevertheless I continued to indulge myself in this twisted sense of pleasure when she wasn’t around.

For countless times before attending the date with her, I intended to reveal my true identity to her. However her cute eyes and honey coated voice never failed to shut my mouth. Was it guilt that held me back or was it the monster craving for something more than this? I felt confused.

My rich companions found out about this not long after but they made no hints of torturing her any further. Perhaps they were waiting for her to be closer to me --- to the extent of marriage I guess --- before drawing any drastic plans to crush her soul completely. I know because I had such thoughts running through my mind.

Months later her family moved to a neighbouring country. My company coincidentally set an outpost in the same area with me as the supervisor. No doubt this was the work of my rich companions. With money in these places, you could do almost anything you want! The country next door however ran things differently. Money wasn’t everything; politics was. I later learnt Elata’s brother managed to set up a political base there and brought his family over.

A year passed since I moved here and the only person I was still in contact with was Elata. Nevertheless I couldn’t help but to feel an extra pair of eyes spying on us whenever we were together. It was uncomfortable but I kept it to myself.

---

My phone rang ominously one night. Picking it up, a familiar spoke through.

“Hello friend.”

My heart pounded with perverted excitement and fear. I guess they were ready to take action.

“We’re dropping by for a visit,” he continued, “the cam’s ready; all we need is a small favour from you.”

Instinctively, I agreed.

They were dropping by for the weekend and needed some help in luring their victim out. I was the best bait they had. It turned me on so much I wanted to be part of the action.

My hands trembled as I picked up my phone. Wrestling with my conscience and sadistic self, I hesitated on making the call; I noticed my dim reflection in the screen.

Am I a human or a monster?

Yet the excitement wouldn’t die down unless I fulfil my role. Chucking my phone aside, I jumped into bed in attempt to forget everything. However images of Elata being raped wouldn’t leave me alone. I sat up, took in a few breaths and searched for her contact.

“Hello? Elata? Are you free this weekend?”

---

My rich companions were grateful for the little date I arranged for them in a lonely park. They extended their invitation to me but I gave it a pass. Part of me pushed me forward to this date; another forced me to camp at home. Either ways they said ‘drop by’ if I have time.

Slouching in my coach, I switched the television on for some distraction as they clock ticked away. Their meeting time was eight in the night; it was seven forty-five. My mind was drowned in a pool of fantasy where Elata was being ravaged repeatedly. The rapists pinned her down with words that stirred her mind. I imagined my cover would be blown and her expression slowly turned blank. Not willing to give in a second time, she struggled and screamed in despair while no one attended to her aid. As the night went on, not only her body was raped by monsters but her mind as well. This time she would take her life for sure with me as the witness.

A sharp tremble jolted me awake from my little nap. I took a quick glance at the wall clock - it was eight-ten; my phone was ringing. Picking up the phone, I saw Elata’s name flickering frantically on the screen. When it quiet down, it revealed I had three miss calls from her. The attack must have started. Then, the phone quivered in my cold hands again blinking with her name. I searched within my soul whether or not I should answer. Nothing came out of me thus I hid the phone under a cushion and shut myself from these thoughts.

I didn’t sleep well that night; Elata didn’t contact me thereafter. It was a week later when I read the newspapers I saw controversial news about foreigners being charged for rape in this country. Though photos were not revealed, I knew who they were. Later that day, Elata sent me a SMS.

“Hi, want to go out this Sunday?”

I paused as my troubled mind searched for an answer. My fingers were heavy as I typed ‘y-e-s’.

She replied with the time and venue. My heart pounded heavily as I saw the same venue I arranged for her rapists and her. I attempted to calm myself with warm milk but it didn’t work. Every day and time passed slowly; every second haunted me with fears of being charged like my rich companions. In this place, money no longer spoke louder than politics. Nevertheless, I told myself I wasn’t at the scene; they couldn’t do anything to me.

Weekend came as I drew heavy steps towards our meeting venue. Elata was there seated calmly on a bench waiting. As I approached, she turned to me with the same innocent eyes and cheery smile.

“Why didn’t you pick up my call that night?” She questioned with a hint of frustration.

“Uh, I was napping,” I faltered.

“Oh well,” she sighed ruefully. “I was sitting here waiting and waiting for you.”

Her words calmed my troubled soul a little knowing she was not attacked.

“And then ...” she paused with a devilish smirk, “I was raped.”

My heart propelled to my throat, “What?”

She drew herself close to me as she hissed, “There were four guys, I remembered their faces; they raped me before.”

My body was now pounding in sync with my heart as she continued.

“Yes, there were five,” her innocent eyes morph into vengeful ones. “Am I right?”

I was too stunned to reply. Every breath she exhaled on me attempted to stop my beating heart.

“Just because I couldn’t convict you now doesn’t mean I will let you go.”

I took a step back away from her. In a twisted sense of humour, I questioned myself, “Who’s the monster now?”

Then, her voice and expression returned to normal almost instantly. “What are we doing here? Let’s go shopping!”

Fearful of what was going on, I attempted to probe if she recalled what happened earlier but she exhibited no memories of it.

---

Weeks later the four rapists were canned before they were sent back to their own country. Since then I haven’t heard anything from Elata or my rich companions. I didn’t stay here long enough to find out anyway as I was ‘fired’ for no apparent reason. It didn’t took me long enough to figure out who was behind this.

I went back to the quiet life back in my own country sometimes having nightmares over this. Elata didn’t contact me at all while I didn’t felt like calling her either. However, in my dreams, I could still see her with those vengeful eyes and sadistic smirk, hunting me down by all means. Then, these words would ring in my mind like a ghost seeking thrills from frightening people ---

“Who’s the monster now?”

Now I sit here in my room letting a blade travel across my wrists; not for suicide but to relieve fears of Elata returning to finish what she started.

I raped her physically but now she rapes me mentally.