just rambling, needed to get it out of my head, i ain't talking about hetero love here, nor some kind of homo stuff. just something you call a special person, someone more than a friend but not as in lover, perhaps?

You still love her, even though she’s far out of reach

You still love her, even though she’s too far out of your reach. It leaves you wondering why you hadn’t gone with her when she had asked you to. You regret, of how you only kept wondering back then if she had just asked out of nothing. But you knew now that it doesn’t matter. Nothing still means something, and a little means a lot.

When she’s on the other side of the world to you, you walk anywhere and see her face everywhere. You hate it, because no one should be like her. She alone can be her. It brings guilt to rush over you, due to the illusion that someone looks like her.

You’ve got new friends, you’ve got new people in your life, but your feelings for her remain. If not much, then little, but it’s always there. What’s left of it make your heart hollow. It hurts just to hear someone mention her name, let alone conversing about her.

You find that it won’t do you good to watch those cheesy movies and stuffs, but you do. Sure there was nothing that time can’t heal, at least that’s what they said and you tried to believe. You keep on ignoring that sting that twists in your heart, and you become completely empty.

Emptiness makes you feel fine. Then you want to yell at those folks who whine about being unable to breathe without their loved ones. You felt disturbed when someone speaks of missing you after only a few weeks or months of not seeing each other because you survive years after years without her until you are too used to it.

Things that keep you busy also keep you away from her. Your work, your job, your dreams, and your new people consume your time and when you realize, you are just too long gone from her. You want to get back to her, so you welcome yourself to the world of year 2000 where you can contact her on the screen. But then you don’t know what to say except hi and how are you. Those questions that any beginners would practice English in their first level, it never worked with someone you harbored feelings for years.

Sitting in front of you laptop, the only means of communication at the moment, you can’t help staring into the screen. You think and think of what should you be saying besides those useless words. You remember how you used to talk about two cats on the roof with her when you two were sitting in the classroom, which granted both of you the view to the outside. Both of you laughed and chuckled and predicted the cats’ behavior just to get right and wrong. Both of you always had something to talk about when you two shared the same vision.

The MSN sound effect reminded you that you can’t see her face or hear her voice. Moreover, you aren’t seeing the same vision as her anymore. Then you doubt if it will be fine if you talk about what she sees outside her window. You doubt if you can converse with her about something simple and completely pointless like sky and weather? But you don’t dare, it trouble you with the thought of her boring over you. It all seems like telling the tales of your day can’t come out as naturally as before.

So you merely ignore the connection. You are aware that you might have made things as if you don’t give a damn about her, when in fact, all you do is to subside your pain Somehow you thought that it’s better to stop thinking about her and get a life. Then you find yourself in the situation that you haven’t lived up to your words that you’ll catch her if ever she falls, that you’ll be a rebound and whatnot if ever she needs one.

You make believe that everything will be fine, understanding perfectly that there are just too many different paths for two people. You find that, without her in your life, your life hasn’t been meaningless, but you yourself become a heartless.