Howdy!

This is yet another school assignment I had entirely too much fun with. This was co-authored with my dear friend View from the Windowsill. Imagine our shock when the teacher asked us to read this aloud before the class! Ah, we got into so much trouble...

Note: There is a brief use of strong language in this story. While I seldom swear in real life or in my stories, I could think of no other phrase to express the utter...horror! No other phrase could do it justice, so please excuse my vulgarity.

Please enjoy. Try not to vomit.

The Dating Game

Chad wiped his brow with a trembling hand. Sweat was beginning to pour down his face and from the heat he felt on the back of his hand, he knew he must have been scarlet. He fidgeted nervously, adjusted his necktie, and stammered to make a decent conversation. The very sight of his beloved girlfriend of two years, Erica, usually left him breathless, but tonight she looked even more radiant than ever. Her beautiful red curls were swept into an elegant updo; she was clad in a lovely strapless evening gown, and her pearly smile perfectly completed the ensemble.

Chad fingered the engagement ring in his pocket. He swallowed heavily. “This is it,” He thought, feeling very much like a cliff diver teetering dangerously close to the edge. “This is the moment we’ve all been waiting for,”

He rose suddenly from the table and shakily knelt on one knee, attracting some peculiar stares from nearby tables. He ignored them and focused on Erica, who was giving him a curious, slightly bemused look. A plethora of thought rushed through his mind. He pushed them aside as he took her hand and brought his eyes to meet hers.

“E-erica,” He stuttered, his mouth uncharacteristically dry. “W-will you marry me?”

Erica froze for the briefest of seconds, an unreadable expression on her stunning features. She looked at Chad as if she had never seen anything quite like him before. After several long, tense moments, she breathed, “Oh…Chad…” She lightly fingered the diamond ring, her timeless beauty reflected in its colorless surface.

And then she slapped him across the face.

She promptly marched off, not even glancing back at him. Tears rolled freely from her eyes, never before had she been so…embarrassed. Never mind the fact that he had proposed in public, but she had been expecting something a little different. It was their two-year anniversary, after all! As she left the restaurant, she slammed the door like a child angry at her parents.

She flung open the door of Chad’s Porsche, blindly slamming it behind her. When it shut, the deep indigo fabric of her gown caught. She tugged mercilessly at it, not caring when it made a loud ‘riiip’ from her fury.

She sobbed openly, cradling her face in her perfectly manicured hands. Why…were men so stupid? Of all things…why a marriage proposal? As she failed to choke back another sob, a loud tapping noise arose her from her pity-party.

It was Chad, rapping his fingers loudly on the car window. “Erica,” he pleaded, a humiliated expression on his face. “I-I’m sorry…I d-didn’t mean to upset you…”

She cut him off. “For the last time,” she choked. “My name is Eric!”

A stricken look spread across his blood-red face. “What the…?” Chad started, eyes popping at…It as if he had never met this person before. “You- you’re a fucking transvestite?!” His face skipped red and went straight to purple, his mind whirring frantically. Through is flabbergasted daze, he saw…it blush lightly, its pale features dusted with a faint rosy hue.

“How did- why…how…?” Chad stuttered stupidly at Erica. “No, her- his name is Eric,” He thought numbly. His mind puked a little at the sight of this…person he had dated for two years. He stared, ultimately dumbfounded at the sight before him.

Eric looked at Chad though sullen, puffy red eyes. He, (or is it she?) sniffed loudly and said, “What? I thought you knew,”

Chad backed away, an expression of sheer horror consuming his features. “You…you-” He stammered, temporarily incapable of coherent speech.

“I sent you an email telling you everything when we first stared dating!” Eric wailed, rising to his feet. “I told you; I thought you knew!” He cried hysterically, tears gushing from his eyes.

“I-I-I never check my email!” Chad said breathlessly, clutching his heart.

“YOU LIED TO ME!” Eric screeched, slapping Chad across the face for the second time that evening.

Chad stepped back, dazed. He regained his balance, and cast his would-be girl(?)friend a frightened glance. He (she?) stood with his feet planted firmly apart, fists clenched, swollen eyes dripping endlessly as he seethed flames at Chad.

Chad turned on his heel and fled into the night, leaving his cross-gender date behind, fuming. Eric stood, breathing heavily for a minute or so before his face broke into a huge grin.

“Finally,” he said happily, wiping tears away from his eye, resulting in smeared mascara. “I get what I came for,” He hopped into the Porsche and cranked up the engine. With a loud “Yee-Haw!” he rode off into the darkness, his maniacal laughter reverberating down the alleyway.

Yah...I really have no excuse for this...

Please review, flames welcome. They will be used to make s'mores.

God Bless,

Frenchie