Summary: I just wanted to feel needed. That’s all. I don’t care about happily-ever-afters or true love. I just want a reason for being here and reason to be considered useful. Even if I have to go through some very bizarre things to get there.

A/N: This was truly meant to be a short story. But it was 18,000 words and I didn’t want to burn your eyes by making the scrolly thingy miniscule. Personally, I think this short story is very strange, lol.

Thank you for reading.

Charmer

Part I: Lessons of a Gentlewoman

I like to think I am a cool, even-headed woman.

It is the way I was raised, to be a perfect gentlewoman. I have the ability to direct several servants, greet important guests, and chat idly about the weather without batting an eyelash. That doesn’t include that I am also constantly aware of the state of my dress, if my back is perfectly straight, that my hair is properly up kept, and that my voice is even and pleasant sounding. I am meant to run a household and still follow the latest gossip of the court to every minuscule detail. I was born and bred to be beautiful and delicate looking and to know how to subtly flirt and politely reject.

So, why at this very important night, and I can’t get my hands to stop shaking?

My mother told me this would be one of the most important nights of my life, if only for my impression. I rest my trembling hands on my lap and check the mirror for probably the hundredth time to see that my soft make-up and hairstyle is still presentable. For all the lessons I have taken, none could have prepared me for this.

I hear footsteps outside the doorway and I hope I didn’t spin my head too fast to see who is there. The footsteps pause and I know it has to be him, the Duke of Windslan, and my husband of precisely eight hours. Pausing outside my bridal doorway for our wedding night.

My parents told me, at eight years old, I was betrothed to the former Duke of Windslan’s only son. An agreement made between two noble families whose finances were beginning to crumble. When I turned fourteen, the former Duke died and left everything to his son. It was then that my parents planned my wedding for three years later. I hadn’t even seen the new Duke of Windslan until he lifted my wedding veil and kissed my cheek.

Personally, I don’t remember much of my own wedding, I was too busy trying to get my head around the fact that the man beside me, who was holding my arm, dancing with me, eating with me, was my husband. To this moment, I honestly still can’t believe it. Not that the Duke was unattractive or impolite in anyway. But he was so distant that I felt as if I could forget he was there if I were to look away. I didn’t even catch what his name was.

A knock at my door and I hurriedly stand up, “Please enter,” I say strongly, but still softly, for a lady should never raise her voice. I wrap my evening robe around me tighter, trying to suppress my nerves.

The door opens to a servant, Benedict I believe, who I only met a couple hours ago when I first arrived at the Duke’s estate. He bows respectably and I nod my head, “Apologies, my lady, to have kept you waiting for an inappropriate time,” I don’t speak when he pauses. Instead I 

wonder where my husband is. Benedict continues, “His lordship has some unfinished business he must attend to. He sends his deepest regrets and hopes you find the room to your liking.”

The servant bows deeply and I can’t help but stare at him. My husband will not be presence at his own wedding night? I had never heard of such an occurrence. Of course, I have not heard many circumstances since I was never introduced to a single Season because of my pre-betrothal. I then notice Benedict is still bowing, awaiting a reply of some sort. I cough lightly, trying to cover my lapse of thought, “Thank you for telling me,” I murmur.

He stands straight, “Again, my apologies. Have a good night, my lady. Do not hesitate to ring for any service which you may require,” He swiftly leaves the room, shutting the door mutely behind him.

I sink back into my chair, staring at my mirror in confusion and shock. Now, I wouldn’t be so foolish as to say that I truly wanted to spend the evening with my husband, but it is a part of my duty and custom. Though my fears of bedding a man for the first time are a bit overwhelming, it is my responsibility as a wife to bear him an heir as soon as possible. I dare say it was probably written in the contract both our father’s signed.

For the Duke to rather attend business than to follow in his own obligation as a husband is, to put it politely, a harsh mark on my character. I begin to slowly take down my hair, placing each pin on the smooth surface of my vanity. I suppose I wasn’t as charming as I should have been during our wedding feast. Perhaps I should have tried to make more conversation in the carriage ride to his estate. Maybe even my wedding dress made me look unseemly.

I run a brush through my hair. In the future I will be more careful around my husband, for he seems a trite particular. I sigh, putting my brush down. Hopefully by next month his business will be cleared up and we can get on with tradition. As for at least the first year of marriage, the husband and wife dwell in separate rooms, only joining together for one night a month. After a year, the wife is hopefully with child. I do hope my mother never hears of this, she would be in a rage about it. No doubt blaming me for being an inadequate wife.

I take off my robe and slip between the smooth sheets of the bridal bed. I didn’t expect to be here beyond one night, as usually I would move out to more proper chambers of a noble lady.

I shut my eyes, wondering if I am somehow dreaming.

-

I wake to the sound of china.

I open my eyes and see a young maidservant attending to my morning meal. I sit up and pull my hair away from my face. There were few servants I was introduced to last night and she was not one of them. The maidservant stops abruptly and curtsies to me quickly, “Good morning, my lady, I was just setting out your breakfast. Should I draw a bath?”

I nod, trying to will away my sleep. A perfect lady must always look alert at all hours of the day, “Yes, thank you,” I pause, “May I please have your name?”

The maidservant eyes go a little wide in surprise and I wonder if it is not a custom in the Duke’s home. But my mother always taught me to learn the names of my servants, so that running the homestead is much more efficient. The girl lowers her head, “My name is Charlotte, one of the three of your personal servants. If that will be all, my lady, I will fetch you hot water for your bath.”

I nod in assent and she disappears in to the hallway. I stand and help myself to my breakfast. I sip my tea slowly, since it is near scalding, and look out my window to the grounds. The Duke of Windslan has many more acres than my old home and his mansion is much larger, despite holding only one noble and his servants. And me now, I suppose.

I wish I could speak with my younger brother, David, though he is probably fast asleep right now. Gentlemen must always be presentable, but they can still sleep in as long as they like. I put down my tea. But David was always more than a gentleman or a brother, he was my greatest friend. He always told me the most fantastic stories of when he went to Season. Described to me all the gossip that I could never be a part of, all the gentlemen that I would never meet, and how all the beautiful ladies looked. Though they sounded truly stunning, David always told me I was much more beautiful than them. And if I wasn’t betrothed, I would be off stealing all the courtiers from them.

I smile to myself. Perhaps I could write to him of my dilemma, surely he would understand my feelings and know what to do. After all, he is a gentleman and knows all the rules of etiquette, even at times he chooses to ignore them. My revere is broken by Charlotte knocking softly before entering. I notice she has two other women in tow behind her.

Charlotte holds out her free hand, as one is holding a steaming tub of water. She must have magnificent strength to hold it so steady as she announces the other two servants, “This is Annabel and Lynn, my lady. If you will excuse me,” She carries the tub to my wash chamber and Lynn follows her.

Annabel bows before approaching. She is a heavy set woman with a stiff bun, “Pleased to make your acquaintance, my lady. I have the responsibility of doing your laundry and mending. As well as making new clothes for you. Do not hesitate to call on me for my services.”

I nod to her and soon Lynn and Charlotte exit the wash chamber. Lynn tilts her head, “I will be here to do any of your errands inside and outside the castle,” She bows as well and I notice she is quite tall and has magnificently blue eyes.

“And I will be attending to your meals and tidying your rooms, my lady,” Charlotte adds in, holding an empty basin.

I nod to both of them and rise from my seat, “Thank you all for your work. From this point on, I would be most grateful if you refer me to Lady Suzette from now on,” I smile to the three women, “I will take to my bath now.”

They are bow gracefully before exiting the room. And I sigh in relief. Never before had I had so much attention from servants. Most of the servants at my home raised me from a child and I was always most familiar with them. My mother told me that as a gentlewoman, I must keep their respect, but not so familiarity. It wouldn’t do well for my image. It is hard, being distant like her, but I have to learn to manage.

The bath is refreshing and soon I am dressing myself into one of my new morning gowns that my mother purchased for me, saying I should be as beautiful as possible as my husband gets to know me. I pause as I fasten the buttons on my front, suddenly feeling nervous again. I will have few opportunities to make first impressions on the Duke and since the wedding night was postponed, I will have to make it up somehow.

I don’t bother alerting any of my new maidservants that I will be leaving my rooms. I want to explore my new home on my own first. This turns out to be a rather poor decision because I soon I find myself at a loss of how to navigate to the main stairwell so I can explore the lower level. As I gaze mildly into other rooms, they are more expensively furnished than my old home’s. The financial trouble that used to be so prominent obviously isn’t a problem anymore. My parents will be pleased to know I will be living a comfortable life.

I turn a corner and find myself face to face with the Duke, himself, “Ah!” I let out in surprise, but try to cover it up by curtsying, “My lord, good morning,” I look up, praying that my hair hasn’t gotten mussed as I was walking. He hardly looks at me, his mind obviously troubled 

by something else. I try to think quickly. It doesn’t look as if he wants to chat idly with his new wife, but perhaps he would like to get his mind off of something. I decide on safer measure, “If you would be so kind, my lord, it would be of great service if you directed me to the main stairwell. I seem to have gotten myself lost,” I smile sweetly, wondering if he will smile back at my own foolishness.

The Duke doesn’t seem to really notice me that much and waves behind him. Benedict seems to appear out of nowhere and smiles graciously to me, “My lady, I will assist you to the stairwell, if it pleases you,” He bows and I stare at him. I didn’t even notice he was behind the Duke.

I remember my manners and smile and bow as well, “That would be most gracious of you, Benedict,” I hold out my hand and place it at his elbow. As he leads me away, I can’t help but glance back at the Duke, who has already turned the corner and left. I sigh sadly to myself. Perhaps I have messed up again and made the Duke look even more down upon me than before.

Benedict seems to notice this, “My lady, will you give me the leave to speak?” He asks. I look at him.

“Of course.”

He smiles, nodding his head, “If you are still troubled by last night, I bid you not any longer. You will soon find that his lordship has a very crowded schedule,” He grins, a little more natural, “If I may jest, all us servants were surprised that he even had time to hold a wedding,” My eyes widen, before I check them. If I were to suppose, I would be most grateful for at least the ceremony, even if there was no traditional wedding night.

I smile to Benedict, “Then I will not try to get in my lord’s way. It would be wrong of me to disturb him. But,” I look away, “If you would be so kind as to tell me his name. I’m afraid I didn’t catch it before.”

To my surprise the manservant chuckles loudly, “Forgive me, my lady, but his lordship has the tendency to skip such small formalities. His name is Laurence, Laurence the Duke of Windslan.”

“Thank you, that is a relief to know,” I smirk, “I was dreading the day when the moment arises and I could not speak his name.”

Benedict grins and I find his smile infectious, “Well, here is the main stairwell,” He motions in front of him, though I could not miss the grand staircase before me if I tried, “I must leave to attend to his lordship, should I ring for another servant to accompany you?”

I shake my head, “If I get lost again, I will just stumble upon another servant to guide me,” I let out a small laugh, hoping it isn’t too improper.

Benedict laughs too and bows, “Then I will take my leave, my lady. Enjoy your day.”

I nod and watch as he leaves before descending to the ground level. There is not a myriad of rooms, as on the second floor, and the larger main hallways are easier to navigate. I let myself wander freely and soon I find the mansion’s library. Though it is unseemly for a gentlewoman to have too many hobbies, reading and writing are generally acceptable. I was never one to pen my thoughts, but I always enjoyed reading to past the time. This library is well stocked, though it doesn’t have all the books that I did back home.

I run a finger down the shelves, planning in my head to have Lynn run down to the town and pick up some books for me. I sit in one of the sparse chairs that are set before a few grand windows. The sunlight sheds in wonderfully from outside and I know that I can become very accustomed to this place.

I trace the glass, smiling.

-

In the many months I’ve been here, the servants have become more relaxed.

Few say ‘my lady’ anymore and say ‘Lady Suzette’ instead. I have become quite familiar with Lynn, Charlotte, and Annabel and they even refer to me as just ‘Suzette’ privately. Benedict has become a fond friend of mine and he is almost like David to me and we often chat whenever he can separate himself from the Duke.

The Duke, on the other hand, is as distant as ever. Benedict coming to my room once a month has become almost a routine. For the first couple of months, I still dressed myself up. After that, I became more relaxed and inappropriate. And now Benedict doesn’t even have to tell me, but we chat idly whenever he comes by. But I always wait, just in case.

Whenever I pen David, I tell him of my plight, but his letters offer little help. He says that once he can see me, he will be of more assistance face to face. It is customary for a new wife to not see her family until after a year or whenever she first is with child. I write to my parents sparsely, mostly because there is little to say.

I only see the Duke once a day at the evening meal. Since it is such a small window for me to charm him, I spend extra time in front of my mirror, making sure I am as beautiful as I was on my wedding day. Annabel has been a most gracious help in fitting me into stylish dresses that I have never thought to worn before. It seems to be for a lost cause unfortunately. The Duke doesn’t look at me unless he has to. And he doesn’t speak to me unless it is impolite not to.

Most dinners are eaten in silence.

Despite the Duke’s cold exterior, I try to learn about him as much as possible. I have learned that he has no taste for red meat, he is allergic to wildflowers, and whenever he relaxes, he prefers to do it alone with a fine tonic. I relay these to my parents, so that they don’t feel that I am being inadequate in my new home. For a wife must always be observant of her surroundings.

And, though it is unseemly, I find myself pulled into a multitude of different hobbies. When I am not reading, I love to take my mare, that was a wedding present, and go riding. While riding I enjoy picnics or reading in the glade nearby. I also find that I am stitching again, something which I have not done since I was a girl. And though I am not very practiced, I am trying to make booties and bonnets for a child I will someday have.

But of course, that is a goal that is becoming dimmer and dimmer by every month. And no matter how I act or dress, I cannot seem to capture the attention of the Duke. Sometimes, in my lowest moments, I find myself wandering aimlessly around the castle. A shameful thing to do, for a lady should never seem idle.

I can’t help it, but it did leave me to the discovery of the perfect nursery. I have no idea if the room was meant for such a case, but the walls are light and a genderless color. The bed has a warm quilt and a gated fireplace. There is also an adjoining room that could serve as a playroom, if decorated accordingly.

From the moment I saw it, I knew it would by quite suitable and I immediately began to make plans in my head for how to furnish it when a baby should arrive. Some days I would spend hours in there, just imagining what it would be like to be a mother. I suppose I would have a nurse take care of it when I am busy or sleeping, for my old nurse told me that babies are quite loud in the night. But I would like to help raise it. I did always enjoy playing with David when he was young. A tutor would need to be hired when the child gets older, but if it is a girl, I would want to teach her of etiquette and manners, just as my mother did for me. Of course, I may be too busy if more children are on the way.

I frown to myself, sitting on the quilt of the bed in my self-declared nursery; I suppose I would be blessed if I could have just one child, if any at all. I touch the soft fabric of the blanket and outline the careful stitching, before shaking myself out of my stupor. Tonight is another night in which I will probably find Benedict at my door.

I stand and make my way to the bridal chambers and feel as though I have gotten far too familiar with them. When I open the door, Annabel is waiting for me, she smiles warmly and I smile back.

“Suzette! I have some grand news for you!” I look at her, surprised as she turns around, holding a magnificent dress in front of her, “A couple weeks ago, I found this fabric in town and knew that it would suit you so splendidly,” She smiles and holds out the dress to me, “You must wear it to dinner tonight. It will make you look positively ravishing.”

My face reddens at her words, but I take the dress from her. The fabric is silky, but does not glare in the light. Annabel has a gift with stitching and somehow her dresses come out more perfect than the last. I hold it up and notice the deep green color makes my eyes sparkle, “It is truly beautiful, fit for a princess, if not a queen.”

Annabel smiles and touches the sleeves, “I even found some old jewelry of yours that looks like it was made for it. I’ll let you get dressed while I fetch it,” She shuffles out of the room as I begin to undress.

The fabric feels so soft and smooth against my skin. The bodice doesn’t feel too tight, but I can see its effect is very slimming and the skirt billows out in a graceful bend. When Annabel returns, I put on the jewelry, deep jade that I had forgotten about, and she fusses with my hair.

“You have such inky tresses, I don’t know how his lordship can keep his hands away from you,” I turn red again and bat her away with a fan she also brought.

“I have no doubt that his lord will be wondering why I am wearing such a formal dress to a simple dinner.”

Annabel smirks, “If it gets him thinking about you, I would send you down there in a dress finer than the queen’s.”

My eyes dim, “One can only hope.”

The maidservant pats my shoulder gently, “Now don’t look so depressed, try to laugh, it makes your eyes light up so grandly,” I can’t and she knows it. All the servants in the estate know of my plight, even if I tried to keep it from them. Though most pity my cause, knowing the antics of the Duke, others take it as an opportunity to belittle me. I have heard more than one rumor about why his lord doesn’t want to spend a night with me, and none of them are fit for polite conversation.

I stand up; ready to go down to the evening meal. I look at myself in the mirror, wondering if I am truly as beautiful as everyone says I am. If I am so stunning, why does the Duke not even care to look at me?

I try to banish the thought as I make an entrance to the dining room. I wait in earnest by myself. Wondering what the Duke’s reaction will be. I can only hope to see some form of emotion in his eyes when he looks on me. Then I know I can make at least an effort. Some of the kitchen aids begin to serve out food, but the Duke has yet to make an appearance.

Finally there is a knock on the dining room door and my heart sinks. The Duke never knocked. My fears are proven correct when Benedict slowly enters his head down. The kitchen servants bow and leave the room. I stand up as Benedict enters.

He looks at me, trying to smile, “You look very beautiful this evening, Lady Suzette,” I only nod in reply, not really believing his words. He swallows, “His lordship will not be joining 

you for dinner, as some unexpected business has come up and he must leave for a few days time. He says you may dine in your rooms if it pleases you,” He looks at me and his face falls, no doubt reading my expression.

I lower my head, glad that I am familiar with Benedict, so that I don’t feel so foolish in front of him, “I see,” I murmur, trying to gain a hold on my emotions before I look up at him, “If that is the case, then I will take my leave. I am,” I pause, “Not feeling very hungry tonight.”

I don’t wait for his reply, but breeze by him, shutting the door silently behind me. I don’t go back to my rooms, where Annabel or Charlotte will be waiting for me. But I go directly to the library. Someone will find me eventually, but for now I just want to be alone.

I seat myself into one of the comfortable chairs and stare at the evening sky through the window. It is a perfectly customary action to the wife to bid her husband farewell whenever he leaves the home, but I didn’t even notice his absence until it was too late. And it is only natural because he is absent; he will not be joining me this night either. I swallow thickly, trying to will myself to not cry. It is unseemly for a gentlewoman to cry over such a matter. But the tears make their way anyhow and I fumble for a handkerchief out of my bodice. My mother would have my head if she saw me now, trying to mop away the wetness on my face.

I haven’t cried my entire stay here at the Duke’s estate, I couldn’t let myself. I always tried to distract myself with reading or riding or anything else. Just so I wouldn’t have to face such crushing disappointment. Perhaps the Duke is truly busy with work, but one would think that out of the nine months that I have been here, he would have least had the grace to engage in real conversation with me. Or at least spend one night with me so I feel like I have some purpose to being here. Right now I feel like a china doll put on the shelf, only to be decoration and nothing more. There is only one conclusion I can draw from this, the Duke has a mistress.

Most noblemen gain a mistress once their wife gets too old to be appealing, and most woman don’t mind, just as long as their children are fit enough to be heir and not any bastard children. For the Duke to have a mistress now means that he has had her before he even got married and perhaps he even had a child with her. Which means he doesn’t want any competition with any children I may have.

I try not to think of the Duke as being such a man, but I can’t help but thinking of a double life he might be leading. That would explain why he is always so busy. I can’t bring myself to ask even Benedict if this is true, which he would probably know. Servants seem to know that kind of matter. Eventually, if this continues, I will have to ask the Duke himself, which would be most terribly rude, but I am running out of reasons to be polite to him.

I look at my soiled handkerchief. I didn’t notice before that it matched my green gown. I stare down at my dress, rumpled from sitting too long, my back isn’t even straight. My hair must have half fallen out from leaning against the back of the chair. I sigh to myself and finding that I am beginning not to care anymore how I look. It doesn’t make a difference anyway.

There is a noise at the far end of the library and I quickly sit up, trying to straighten myself out, even if it is probably only Annabel or Charlotte. When the figure comes closer, I can see him clearly in the candle light. I smile and stand.

“David!” I greet warmly and surprised.

My younger brother seems to have grown so much since I saw him last. His shoulders have finally broadened, even though he has always been taller than me. He holds out his arms, “What kind of greeting is that for a brother you have seen in so many months?” I smile and rush towards him, hugging him closely. He even smells like home. I can feel him chuckling, “That is 

more like my Suzette,” He holds me back so he can look at me, “I was beginning to wonder if I came to the right place.”

I pray I don’t look as bad as I feel, “It is so good to see you, but I did not expect you for another three months. Why have you come?”

He runs a hand through my hair and I realize that it is much more disheveled than I thought, “It seems you have made some good friends with the servants here. Several have penned me, asking me to break protocol in order to visit you,” He looks at me, worried, “They said it may cheer you.”

I look away, trying to smooth the fabric of my dress, “They are very kind and I am so grateful for you to have come. But I am not so worse off that I couldn’t have waited another three months.”

David gives me a disbelieving look, “Somehow I doubt that. The Suzette that left home nine months ago would have never let herself cry alone in the library,” He smiles softly, “It took me some time to find you, the servants had no idea where you disappeared to.”

I look down, ashamed, “I am sorry for you to see me in such a state. It’s just that I,” I hesitate, willing myself not to bite my lip, “I have been feeling rather useless lately.”

My brothers eyes show me that he knows what I am referring to, “Has he spoken to you since you last wrote?”

I shake my head, and I feel like crying again. It feels so much easier with David so close, “Just small polite conversation. I cannot say anymore without seeming rude,” I frown, “But I seem to have already lost that battle. Appearing so untidy in front of you.”

David puts his arms around me, holding me close, “It’s okay, Suzette, I promise you that it is not your fault,” I can feel him smiling, “You don’t have any faults, so stop worrying,” He pauses for a moment and I revel in his comforting embrace, “Remember those old novels you used to read to me?”

I look up at him, “You mean the ones with young women?”

He nods, “Yes, and how they were always so free spirited and wild? They never married for money or for their parents. They always tried to find their true love. I always thought they were crazy. Things like that just don’t happen in the real world, there are too many other things at stake,” His eyes grow soft, “You were never like them. You knew marrying the Duke would bring our family back into good finances. You didn’t care about love or anything. You just wanted us all to be happy and comfortable,” His face suddenly darkens, “You don’t deserve to be so depressed. You are such a wonderful person, even your servants, which have known you for less than a year, have become so fond of you that they worry enough to send me letters on your behalf. And if this,” He pauses, frowning, “Duke of yours can’t see how lucky he is, then you needn’t worry about gaining his affection, because he doesn’t deserve you.”

I smile weakly, “Thank you, David.”

But I have a hard time believing his words.