(& tell me i am what you need,
& tell me i am what you want)

--i drown confusion with alcohol & pills that i steal
from the back fridge & mother's jammed-full medicine cabinet she
never thought she'd need to lock and the
sensation of feeling fades a little
more with every sip & every capsule of prescription pain-
killers, codeine prozac xanax & god-knows-what-else mind-
altering chemicality ilovethislikecancer

(there's gotta be a better way, you said
between drags on your cigarette and i
shook my head back & forth no: just no.)

the summer faltered. it spilled us into end of
august indifferently, backpacks full & high school halls that beckon with
their double doors to just run away - just break away -
but they'll just catch you and you'll just have to go
back to hell.

(& could you love me just like this,
& would you love me just like this?)

--scraping at my scarred-up arms: it couldn't possibly
do more harm than all of this, broken tommorows & melted
yesterdays & i never got to say goodbye. so i have no desire to
end my addictions, when i'm drunk & stoned & blissfully numb

(saying no one can hurt me anymore,
& no one can hurt me, any more)

but maybe i'm just lying. maybe i'm living, maybe i'm dying, maybe
i've been dead all along, dead like you because i'm never as strong
as i want to be as i think i should be as i think i could be because
you know there's nothing strong about the way i deal, just trying not to
even feel (codeine prozac xanax & god-knows-what-else) but i am a f. r e a k
and it w.o.n.'t. go A.W.A.Y.--

(but could you love me just like this?
ohgodplease tell me you'll love me, just like this)

.
.

&intheend,
he-she never does stop pretending.