Signs

Why can nothing ever be simple? Even things that happen so often, such as love, a decision to date, an attraction to someone, has to be so hard for someone like me. Maybe I overanalyse.

I think I'll give him a chance, I decide as I drive down the interstate, heading home from a weekend away. I don't know him well, his personality, his dreams, despite the fact that I've known him for eight months. I don't even know what he thinks of me, if he likes me the way I do him. Sure, there's rumors. But he's too hard to figure out. I never know what to expect. I can't tell if he likes me or despises me, it would probably look the same for someone like him. I do know he could shatter my emotions. So I've been holding back, but I don't know if I can anymore. How long can I keep myself away for the sake of staying safe, for holding an unbroken heart? Is it such a prize to say that someone never betrayed me in love? Is it so noble to say my heart is and always was in one piece? I thought this before and now I wonder if the opposite isn't true.

So maybe I'll let him in. I'll give it a try, I think. Just then I see a large road sign, larger than the others that say yield or deer crossing. It says 'Stay Alert' in bold letters. A blinking orange light is above it, to make sure all drivers see it, despite that it's daytime and sunny. "That's weird," I say to myself, seeing such a sign just when I make a decision. Still, I refuse to take it to mean anything. The road is curving and there's a ditch on one side. Of course drivers would need to stay alert.

I go back to thinking of my decision. My heart thumps a little harder, thinking of how I'm going to go about pursuing it. I'll return to campus on Monday. I'll see him there. I'll walk by him on my way to math class and wave high, as I always do on Mondays. I'll smile about it while the professor talks of equations and graphs. The memory of such a small gesture makes it bearable. A simple hello from him is enough to make my morning. After a few classes, I'll walk into the room where we all hang out. I'll look for him there, but he'll probably still be in a class. I'll find somewhere to sit where he'll notice me and wait, doing my homework to keep active. Then he'll walk in and...

I'm off in a daydream, detailing what I'll wear, how my hair will look, what I'll say. Will I look up and smile or will I invite someone over to talk and laugh and act like we're having a good time?

There's a sign ahead. Another large yellow, blinking sign. It says 'Stay Awake.' My daydream comes to a grinding halt. Still, I make myself shake it off. This is an interstate, I tell myself. Truck drivers are always on it. Telephone poles are lined on the right side. There's still that ditch. It's a busy street and there's a bridge coming up. It would be a fatal place to fall asleep. It's silly to think that they're signs from God telling me that my thoughts are wrong. I pass the sign and try to remember where I am in my daydream. What happens if he does express an interest? What if we start dating? The heart responds in answer, making my blood race. I feel awake and alert and it only makes my dream world better. I can't wait for Monday, to go to school, to see what happens. I try to think of places we'd go on dates. It isn't summer anymore, but it was still warm on most days, which meant we could go outside or stay in to have fun for a little longer.

There's been many guys I've refuse through the years, but this one is different. I've had crushes before. I've had guys I was attracted to. But still, none were quite this strong. None, quite so tempting. What if I fell for him? Would he respond? Would he catch me? Would he fall with me? He's so unpredictable and I got the impression that he's not fond of being caught in commitments. Thinking about it, I know he likes to detatch himself. He likes his solitude. Would he do well in a relationship? Could I ever feel secure?

He's leaving at the end of the semester. Transferring to a different college too far away from here to visit. It would either be a short relationship or a long distance one. I couldn't see him in a long distance relationship. But I could see him breaking up with me, saying it wouldn't work out. Do I really want to get tangled in this? Should I just stay clear? Or should I go for it, enjoy the time I have and then nurse a broken heart over Winter Break?

I fear for my heart. I've protected it so well over the years. I trust few and love even less. I have a hard outer shell but I'm so weak inside. Everything affects me. I'm emotional, sensitive, easily hurt. Yes, I decide, he would break my heart. 'Is it worth it?', the question repeats through my head. Do I want to be shattered and torn, hurt and betrayed? Do I want to become cold and callous afterwards, which can always be a risk? Do I want to die inside, my heart shriveled up and closed for other potential datable guys in the near future?

Another sign is approaching. Just a big as the other two, just as bright. I squint to see it, but I have to wait until I get closer. I'm anxious, as if I'm awaiting to see what words will cause me to doubt my faltering decision. I'm already doubting it. Though before I was excited, now it begins to get serious and I grow scared. "Calm down, Helana," I tell myself, trying to be reasonable.

Still, I lean forward, above the steering wheel and try to make out the blur.

Stay Alive.

I look at the sky. It's a clear day. The sun is somewhere behind me, shining upon my pathway home. The clouds are white and puffy, a few on the horizon tinted in gray, threatening a storm as I near them. Are these signs a...sign? Do they mean anything more than just road safety? Am I being warned? My hands are slightly trembling as I ponder over this. My breath comes at a harsh rate. My heart is very much alive in my chest as it pumps away.

I don't know what to do. I'm back to square one. Maybe I'll think about this some more before taking action. It may be wasting time, but it may save me in the end. I'll take the signs' advice, I think, and nod as I pass the last one.

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