'Sinking'

I'm sinking. Amongst a world that knows no solids, I'm sinking.

The foaming water, warmed from the months of summer, rushes past my ankles in

it's pursuit to grab further inland, then withdrawls back out. Another wave is right behind

it to do the same task. As it does so, my feet sink further into the sand. The sand

beneath my feet is not stable, but constantly changing, shifting in and out. Still, it

grounds me, keeps me from falling as the waves rush in. It's a rhymic motion that calms

my soul.

The sun is rising. The sky lightens from it's dark gray. Clouds become gold and

red, telling that the sun is about to break through. I wait, I watch, I sink.

I'm alone on this beach. No one else is up this early. I feel like I'm on the edge of the

world, needing solitude and maybe I've finally found it. Yet so much is going through my

head. The familiar voices of people from my everyday life come back to me, haunting

my thoughts. So much of my time is spent staying away from people, shying from

activites that may embarrass me. I take things so seriously. I sweat the small things as

well as the big. They say I'm cold. I'm withdrawn, I'm unapproachable. I'm not apart of

the crowd but hovering around it, wishing to be apart but inching away at the same time.

I strive for control, but so often I feel like I've lost it. I'm told I take life too seriously.

They're probably right, but I don't know how to be carefree when there's so much that

needs to be accomplished through hard work, which brings stress and worry. It wasn't

always like this. I remember times when I was completely carefree and the center of all

the fun at parties. I can see the way I was, but I can't grasp it. I can't get back to that

time. I don't know how to. So much weighs on my shoulders. I don't know how to shake

it off. So I sink.

My fingers lace between another's hand and suddenly I'm not alone. I look up,

squinting from the new sun that's found it's way into the sky, to see Luke, an old friend

of mine who came along for a fun beach trip along with a few other friends of ours.

The beach was yet empty of it's tourists and locals. It was still too early for anyone

to have the lust of the sand and waves just yet, despite all the time that melts away as I

stand here and watch the horizon. As a night owl myself, I could barely understand how

I managed to wake before the dawn to see the sunrise. Luke, however, seemed at ease

in the unnatural hours. "I heard you've been having a hard time lately," he said in a

sympathetic, steady voice. It was the first time we'd been able to talk without others

being around. Luke was the only one I tended to share secrets with. He never minded

when I vented and even had some good, solid advice to lend out. Still, I couldn't tell him

everything. The heavy problems were mine and mine alone, to harbor and hate in my

own mind and not anyone else's.

"Nothing I can't handle," I reply, squeezing his hand to signal that I meant it, even if I

wasn't sure I did. "It's just a bit of a rough patch."

"It seems to be getting you down, nevertheless. Anything I can help with?"

I look down at his feet and see that now he's sinking, too. His breezy pants are rolled

up nearly to his knees and his feet have a light covering of sand on them as a pit forms

around each. "Not unless you can make the whole world fall away."

"I can do that," he said softly, but then let go of my hand. The ocean air hit my bare

hand again and I wished for the contact but didn't push it. "So what's making you

attempt to sink your way to the other side of the world?"

"Oh, the usual. Bad boys, hard work, college studies. They just have a way of

teaming up together to try and drive me out of my mind." I attempt a light, casual laugh,

but it fails.

"Maybe you should change your approach to these things. Remember when it was

just you and me? Before we developed all these other friends? You used to be happy all

the time, Lainey. What happened to that?"

"Life happened," I reply simply, because it seems so true and it seems to sum it up

well.

"You need a change. You need to get back to where you were. You're so quiet now.

You look troubled even when you smile."

"That's why I'm here. To reconnect with the world I feel that I left. The water heals

me." I look up at him and wrap my arm around his. "So you do." But his mouth is

creased in a frown and there's something hollow in his eyes. It was a look I'd never seen

before and it hurt something deep inside. "What's wrong?"

He looks at our linked arms and the frown grows. "These waters aren't the only thing

you need to reconnect with. But I don't think you'll ever see what or why. I've been

waiting for you to see it, but you're blinded by fools and of things that don't matter or

last."

I didn't know how to incorporate that. Luke was always saying things I couldn't

understand. He'd never explain them though. Instead he would just walk away

sadly when I asked. So I didn't ask this time. Instead, I looked at our feet again. My

ankles has disappeared beneath the sand. His own feet had long disappeared. "Now

you're sinking too," I said.

He met my eyes, then slowly nodded. "I'm sinking too."

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