Loving

[There is no remedy for love but to love more.- Henry David Thoreau]

For Acacia, time seemed to have a way of passing both very quickly and very slowly. Almost excruciatingly so. She didn’t know exactly why things seemed to be going as they were, but she’d learnt that there was nothing she could do about it. Even funnier, she didn’t know what it was that was bothering her so much.

Nothing really had changed, she’d go to school every day and come home. Her routine continued as it always had. Sure, she had Fiero with her now, but even he wasn’t making a great deal of difference to her…mostly because she didn’t see him much anymore. She’d see him at home but never at school. Simply because the moment they arrived he’d go off to hang out with Ella and then spend the day with her. She really should have been happy about this because it gave her the opportunity to focus on her education and her task was being completed without her but still with her input, she introduced them, after all, so she couldn’t be accused of being neglectful, could she? Soon he’d be gone and he’d take Ella with him.

Acacia wasn’t certain what the stabbing pain was which drilled into her every time she thought about the day that would happen. She knew she should have been feeling relief but for some reason she wasn’t. And she couldn’t, for the life of her, figure out why. Sure he’d been fun to spend time with after school, and it was definitely a relief to no longer be alone. They would often spend hours talking and she found that, despite vast differences in upbringing and environment, they actually had a lot to talk about and somehow, this acquaintance whom she only knew because of a misplaced sense of duty, had become her friend. Acacia was a habitual person by nature so she had never taken kindly to change, and the sudden absence of her parents from her life was undoubtedly a big and altogether unwelcome change. Having Fiero in the house supplied her with much needed company, and even comfort. She decided that it all really boiled down to that. She didn’t want him to leave because then she’d be alone again until she started university. There it was, the explanation. Simple. Logical. Straightforward.

But still somehow insufficient.

However, because she was perfectly happy deluding herself into believing her flawed reasoning, she preferred to continue life as it would under any normal circumstances. So, at present moment she was sitting on the couch, legs tucked beneath her and her eyes trained on the television. The sound of the front door opening had her turning her head towards the sound. “Hey Case,” Fiero said, walking into the room, shrugging out of his jacket which he discarded on the back of the couch. No one had ever had a nickname for her in the past and hearing it from him gave her a fluttering feeling in the pit of her stomach. She tilted her head back and smiled, about to answer him, when another figure walked into the room. Ella.

Acacia felt the smile slip from her face and the light leave her eyes. “Hi Ella,” she answered through gritted teeth, fighting to keep her tone cordial. The other girl barely noticed her speaking, she only had eyes for Fiero. The angry thoughts weren’t Ella’s fault, it was only because she was being ignored. Or that’s what she told herself anyway.

Fiero glanced up from where he was preparing sandwiches in the kitchen, and saw the sour look on her face, an eyebrow lifting curiously, but her thoughts, she knew, betrayed nothing.

“Well, I’ll just go upstairs and leave you guys to it,” she rose quickly and went straight towards the staircase, the room suddenly feeling claustrophobic.

“No, Case, you can stay. We’re just going to watch TV or something.”

She shot him a sharp look. “No, no. I’m going.” She hurried up the stairs, taking two at a time, before he spoke again.

Minutes later, when she found herself huddled on her bed, clutching an old soft toy to her chest – the same little dog she’d had since she was only a year old – she realised that she had a problem. A serious problem. But it wasn’t possible. She’d known Fiero for how long? Two weeks? There was no way she could be experiencing the dilemma that she suspected she was. Two weeks was not enough time for this to be happening.

The signs were all there though, weren’t they? The butterflies, the feelings, the jealousy. It was all pointing in one crucial direction.

She’d done the one thing she’d always thought impossible.

She’d broken the one rule.

She’d befriended her charge.

No, she’d fallen in love with him.

She’d fallen in love with Fiero.

Oh no!

When Acacia finally heard the door close, it was already eleven at night. What could they have possibly done for so long? It hadn’t even been seven when she’d come over. Countless images and scenarios assaulted her mind and she shook them away. No, she didn’t need that. Especially not if she was going to go through with the plan. She wouldn’t let her resolve weaken this time.

That was why, when the sound of the door closing finally came, she jumped off her bed and hurried off down the stairs. She didn’t miss the similarities between that moment and the night she’d first met Fiero and his family. The differences were also huge: on that night, she hadn’t been in love with Fiero…or even known him.

When she reached the final step she found herself brought to a halt by the sudden appearance of Fiero before her. Fighting the sudden urge to curse out loud, Acacia looked up into his eyes, faltering slightly by the calculating look he was giving her. He had just cut her preparation time considerably short and now she found herself at a loss for words.

Where was she going to start, again?

But just as she opened her mouth to begin, he saved her from inevitably tripping over her words, by speaking first, “where’d you disappear to for so long?”

Whatever she’d expected him to say, that wasn’t it. “I – what?”

“We were wondering where you’d gone since you never even made an appearance again.”

She couldn’t help the incredulous chuckle that escaped, “we?”

He didn’t miss the suggestion, “okay, not so much we as I.” He shrugged.

Well that might make this a bit easier. She thought, and she could tell by the sudden furrowing of his brows, that he had caught the tenor of her thoughts. Alright, she took a deep breath. It’s now or never.

Before Fiero had time to question her, she placed both hands on his shoulders and nudged him back down the last step, though she was a step above him she was still dwarfed by his massive height. Both of them reaching the flat surface just emphasised the vast difference and she found herself looking up at him.

“What’s wrong, Case?” He asked, obsidian eyes concerned, flickering back and forth across her face.

“I have something to tell you,” she paused to take another breath and the magnitude of what she was doing seemed to settle on him. But she kept her thoughts casually clear of what she was doing, the last thing she needed was for him to read her mind and find out that way. No, she had to do this right...however that may be.

He only nodded slowly.

“I think – no, I know – I like you, Fiero.” Her words seemed to have no substantial effect, she could see from the expression on his face, which remained the same.

“I like you too, Case...” The easy, matter-of-fact way he said it, told her that her words had been misconstrued.

“No, no not like that.” She bit down hard on her lip as her next words formed in her mind.

“Like what, then? What do you mean?”

“I – ” She suddenly wanted to curse him and all his inhuman ways, why did she have to say it? The three words she could never really have imagined saying to anyone. They just slipped right out of her mouth then.

“I love you.”

The silence which followed her declaration settled heavily on the both of them as her words finally made sense to Fiero, repeating in his mind, increasing in volume until there was nothing left except those three words. I love you.

And for everything he’d ever anticipated, every experience he’d ever lived through, he had nothing to say. As his silence continued, his face seeming to collapse in on itself as he lost himself in his thoughts, Acacia thought she would surely go mad. After several heart-wrenching minutes had passed, the torment having settled heavily on her shoulders, Acacia spoke again.

“Fiero?” Her voice was so quiet it wouldn’t have been audible in any regular conversation, but he heard it as if the simple sound of his name had beaten him upside the head. The expression returned to his face but he still could not look at her. After another few moments, she acted.

Placing a hand on each side of his face and shifting it to meet her own, she fought to stare into the eyes which he was resolutely trying to tear from her gaze. The rejection she felt was palpable. The bitter taste in her mouth at his action made her tongue feel twice the size, like it was blocking her windpipe and no air could reach her lungs. She was drowning. Trying to still the shaking of her hands, she dropped them in one swift movement, lowering her head simultaneously.

Come on, Acacia. Pull it together. She repeated the words over and over again until she felt prepared to just walk away. There was no way she could speak to him at that moment so all she could hope to do was to leave quietly without a word spoken between them. After laying her heart at his feet and having him trample on it, she couldn’t bear even the thought of a single word escaping through his lips. While Acacia was struggling with her own obstacles, Fiero’s eyes remained hooded, though barely masking the indecision he was feeling.

When she’d finally composed herself enough, she slid a foot backwards towards the stairs, ready for a quick getaway, but the movement didn’t go unnoticed.

“Case...” The uncertain tone and the sound of his voice froze her in place and she raised guarded eyes to him.

“I –” he paused, already at a loss for words. “I don’t – I can’t –” Acacia had never seen him so flabbergasted. Even in the short time she’d known him, he’d always been so level-headed and sure, it was easy to see just how much her words had shocked him. And that was why she was certain he was just trying to let her down easily.

“Don’t.” She couldn’t keep the pleading out of her voice. “Please don’t.” And it was that begging note that enabled Fiero to remain silent and lower his arms from where he’d raised them. She fled to her room where she burrowed into her bed and cried. Whether he had been about to block her escape or to hold her, she would never know.