Blissfully Unaware

By; CompulsiveLiar

"Hey," you murmur as she gets up to storm out of the room.

I try not to listen to you, but instead watch her sour mood spill out from her lips as she breaths and slams the door in your face. It's so hard being the third wheel sometimes.

"Hey." You repeat yourself, stronger but not louder. Just a little firmer.

Finally, I look over at you. You're staring right at me, blissfully unaware of how angry she was when she stomped out on you. She stomped out on the both of us; you didn't know why, but I did. She wanted you to chase after her. She wanted you to tell her that you were sorry and that you didn't mean to call her that silly name she only pretends she hates. It's because she likes it when boys chase after her. She likes you, and she likes it when you care.

But right now, you're trying so hard not to care. It makes me feel like I matter, for once.

"Yeah," I say. "What?"

You smile. I always loved your smile, it was one of those things that really made my day a heck of a lot better. It was just one of those things about you that was irresistible, something that made you so beautiful.

"C'mere," you say in a voice as quiet as I've ever heard you speak. You hold your arms open wide, the bed beneath us still and motionless.

I stare at you blatantly, not caring how willing I look. Or how stripped of all those layers she makes me hide underneath whenever you two are together. She makes me pretend I don't care that you two are in love. And the way you always breathe her in, the way you always wipe the hair away from her eyes when they cloud her vision, the way you kiss her like I wish that I was in her place.

She makes me pretend I don't feel. But I really do.

I really do. When will anyone realize how much I feel?

When I realize you want me to give you a hug, I melt. I feel my heart catch fire for the millionth time since I've met you. You give me this feeling I don't understand; it's a feeling that I'm getting struck by a match and my insides are searing and the flesh of my skin is burning. And you make me feel so alive that I don't even care how much it hurts. Won't you understand? You're the only one that makes me feel like this.

"Okay," I say. I wrap my arms around you and lay my head on your chest and listen to your heartbeat. It's steady and my ears are ringing.

Your arms are like razors that cut my skin when they touch it. I try my hardest not to flinch because it feels so contradictingly amazing. I just savor it with every second I have, because I can never tell when it's all going to end.

"You know you'll always be my girl," you tell me so honestly I almost believe it. I can't let myself believe what you say, though, because if I do, I know that I'll lose myself and it'll hurt so bad when I realize you're lying.

"I know," I assure you with a smile. But that smile is so fake, I can't stand it. It makes me feel like I'm telling you something I know isn't true. And that ikills/i me.

You rub my arm up and down, slicing it over and over in the same place. I can't make a sound, though, or you'll know how much it hurts. All I can do is listen to your heart and pray that the sound will save me. While we lay here in silence, all I can hear in my head is the sound of her tapping her foot as she waits for you to apologize for nothing.

But I know you too well. You will go and chase her, you will apologize, and you will win her kiss. You always do.

You rest your head on top of mine. It feels like it's exactly where it should be, like your head is the one that should always be on top of mine until I'm dead. In my heart I know you are meant for me. If you would only realize how much you mean to me! If you would only realize that I love you more than she does!

You won't realize, because you're so dense when it comes to my feelings. You play with them and toy with them and rip up my heart. And I am so dumb; I keep letting you take the pieces and make them even more scarred.

I'm bleeding, now. And you don't realize.

"I love you," you say suddenly.

My heart is at rest, and I can't even think anymore. I wish you could take that back, because now that you've said that, I want you to mean it. I know, you love me as if I were your best friend. And I am. I just wish you would love me like you love her.

Sometimes life is so unfair, I can't even decipher what is fair and what isn't. It all seems the same to me now.

Your voice is waiting for me to say it back. It's like you're holding a gun to my head; if I don't say it back, you will be angry, and if I do, you'll find me out.

But I can't help myself.

My voice is shaking. "I love you, too," I whisper now, trying to cover up the tremors. It works, but even still you can catch a glimpse at how I'm really feeling.

You can see inside of me, with every breath I take. You breathe a few of your own, and then you break away.

There is an empty place in my soul now. Because even though I knew you would chase after her, you would flirt with her and kiss her and hold her in that same way you held me, you had me. You had me hanging by a string, and you cut it.

I am falling as you get up and leave the room with an innocent, boyish smile. I can't believe myself. I am such a fool. I knew you would leave, and yet I had one small ray of hope left that you might forget about her when I admitted to my love. But you honestly don't care about me compared to that girl.

What is so special about her? Why does she win your love? Because she has wide blue eyes? Because she is so good at being in love, playing with you just like she did with the other men? What is it that you see in her that you can't see in me?

I sigh. You are gone, and I am cold.