Hey guys, well I've been going through some things atm, and it led me to write this story... it's my first attempt at a short so constructive criticism would be much appreciated. Thankies.

Agony of Insanity

The only thing that can ever hurt more than physical pain is emotional pain, but not the kind caused by others. The pain caused by your own mind...your own madness...

“That Willow... she’s a bit odd isn’t she?”

“Not like the rest of us...”

“Definitely strange...”

That’s what people whispered as I walked along the corridors at school. For as long as I could, I walked on, head held high. Yeah, so I was weird... so I locked myself away and read and wrote for hours at a time... so what? I had some friends! I would survive.

Nonetheless, even from their behaviour, I could tell they thought I was... well... kinda... not all there. I began to wonder vaguely if maybe I was... well... different... maybe had brain damage as a kid or something that consequently had been affecting my thoughts and actions now. I pushed this idea away considering that if that were the case, I wouldn’t have so much more control over things like that. But then, what was I doing wrong? As far as I could see, I was just being myself... just being the person I wanted to be... I didn’t try to be anything different...

Then the words began breaking through the shield I’d created around myself, but not by a worthless one, that I thought nothing of.

“You know that girl, Willow Robins?” I heard one of my ‘friends’ whispering to someone else. “Did you hear about her? She asked Georgia Wilkins to go out with her.”

I snapped around. “No, I didn’t! Of course I didn’t!”

But too late. It wasn’t long before most of the school was whispering and giggling. Only my best friends still believed I was straight. The friend that had started the rumour was always trying to tell stories about me but after a year or so, people finally began to see the person she actually was... a lying bitch.

Nonetheless, no-one could look at me seriously anymore. Nobody could keep a spiteful tone from their voice when they spoke. No-one could treat me like a human.

Eventually, I began to give up hope. Eventually... things just stopped making sense.

Finally one day while sitting at my computer, almost two years since the dead feeling began something made it through... something finally put things back into place.

I wasn’t doing much. Just homework really, when I heard the bleeping that meant I had a message. It was from a boy in my year that I’d never given much thought to. As far as I was concerned, he was one of the worthless.

...Cody... says:
Hey... it’s Willow right?

I sighed. One of the worthless... but it was polite to reply.

I know you hate me... don’t rub it in! says:
Hi... yeah, just call me Will. I hate the name Willow.

There was a long pause, then finally he tapped a message back.

...Cody... says:
How comes? Willow’s a nice name... better than Cody. You want a naf name, go with Cody.

I frowned. Was that a compliment? A compliment from one of the worthless?

I know you hate me... don’t rub it in! says:
No it’s not. It sounds cool.

...Cody... says:
Yeah, whatever. Can I ask something?

I know you hate me... don’t rub it in! says:
If you have to...

...Cody... says:
What’s up with your name? Who hates you?

I frowned and read my screen name to myself. As far as I was concerned, everyone seemed to hate me.

I know you hate me... don’t rub it in! says:
Who doesn’t?

...Cody... says:
Do I count? You’ve always seemed quite nice to me.

I blinked. Another compliment? Maybe he wasn’t as worthless as some of them.

I know you hate me... don’t rub it in! says:
Yeah, you count...

...Cody... says:
Well I don’t hate you, so can you change it please? You’re making me feel guilty.

For the first time in almost two years, a tiny smile crept onto my lips. So... I wasn’t hated... not by everyone anyway.

As my problems seemed to get steadily worse, Cody and I continued to talk over the internet for a while. It felt like he was the only thing really keeping me going. Then he finally confronted me at school. I’d never really taken notice of the sort of guy Cody was. When I say that, I mean how he looked not how he actually was as a person. He was lean and lanky and totally towered over me, but then I’d stopped growing by that time. He had long dyed black hair which hung in his face and just over his dark eyes. He was pale, but not eerily so. Fingerless arm-warmers covered his wrists and it suddenly became apparent to me the sort of person he was.

Emo is not a kind of person... not really. It’s a style. Regular people slit their wrists and stuff and no-one bats an eyelid but emo’s don’t always do it and they seem to constantly get told that they do. Hardly surprisingly, whenever I saw Cody walking down the corridors, people would jeer at him and things like that. I never said a word to him about it at school, but through the computer, I asked him about it.

Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe she has a Prince Charming! says:
How can you put up with that? Are they like that all the time?

We don’t have a town drunk, we all share responsibility! says:
Uh, pretty much yeah.

Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe she has a Prince Charming! says:
That just seems really wrong. How can you still be so good natured?

We don’t have a town drunk, we all share responsibility! says:
Grudges don’t get you anywhere. If we all held a grudge, everyone would hate each other.

I saw the sense in his words, but I wasn’t ready to forgive those that had hurt me so quickly.

Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe she has a Prince Charming! says:
And why did you never tell me you were an emo? You must be even more depressed than me!

We don’t have a town drunk, we all share responsibility! says:
Not necessarily. I don’t slit my wrists and whatever. I’m too happy to ever want to. You should be happy too Will. There’s nothing wrong in your life! Love yourself!

Someone should sue Disney for making every girl believe she has a Prince Charming! says:
It’s hard to love yourself when you don’t feel loved.

He didn’t comeback my statement, just changed the topic quickly, but after that, when at school, he stayed close to me at all times. In our lessons when we were together, he moved next to me and refused to move when teachers told him to. One day I caught him staring at my arms. When I asked why, he shrugged.

“I’ve seen the wrists of people that do slit their wrists. It leaves scars Will. I’m wondering what I’d do or say if I ever saw one of those scars on your wrist.”

I sighed. “Cody, I promise I’ll never try to do that.”

“How though?” he said quietly reaching out and running his long pale finger along one of the veins on my left wrist. “How can you make that promise? What if the problem gets worse? What if... I had a friend once, he was being bullied and he promised he wouldn’t start cutting, but he did. He was a lot less depressed than you though. That’s one of the reasons why after I met you, I stuck by you. I wanted to stop things like that from happening again. Please... please promise me and actually mean it.”

I hesitated. I’d really only said it to keep him quiet. “I’ll try.” I said slowly.

He didn’t look totally satisfied with my answer but let the subject drop. I wanted to keep my promise, I truly did, and for a while I managed to. Cody still checked my wrists regularly to make sure I was staying true to my word.

“You don’t have to do this.” I muttered for the billionth time as he ran his long pale fingers over the skin of my wrist.

He shrugged. “I know. But, I want to somehow repay you... at times, yeah, I do get sad, but I think of how you’d react if anything were to happen to me. You’re what keeps me going I suppose.”

So for a while, we continued like that. We kept each other going. Then, one day, when I was sixteen, everything changed.

Cody was waiting to walk me home after school as he did every day. He did not expect to see me walk out of school, dripping with water from head to toe and tears dribbling down my cheeks. He rushed forwards.

“Will!” He cried. “What the hell happened to you?”

I shrugged. “They’ve started going physical. My emotional suffering isn’t enough for them anymore.”

He blinked at me for a moment, then pulled me close and hugged me.

“Poor Will.” he murmured. “Come on. We’ll get you home, put on the kettle, and do you a nice cup of tea.”

Suddenly someone nearby burst out laughing. Not the regular laugh when you find something funny, the hurtful spiteful kind of laughing.

“Oi, Cody, how do you manage to fit your arms around that fatty?”

I felt Cody shaking with rage. “Hey, shut up!”

But they kept laughing. I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to block out their words. I wouldn’t listen! I wouldn’t listen! I had Cody. I didn’t care what they thought!

“Why waste your time with her anyway? Most depressing girl on the planet. Not to mention the most hideous!”

The tears gushed out from under my eyelids. I pulled out of Cody’s grip and began to run. I didn’t care where. I’d run home... lock the door on Cody... I’d break my promise... I didn’t care anymore! I hated my life!

I heard Cody running after me. I heard him yelling my name, but I was doing my best to block out everything, nothing mattered to me anymore. I had to know if it helped.

I reached my house and slammed the door running through to the kitchen. Cody was hammering on the door, bellowing at me to let him in. I ignored him, reaching out and grabbing the meat knife. It gleamed maliciously. I saw an odd kind of beauty about it.

“Will!” yelled Cody from outside the door. “I know what you’re doing! Stop it Will! Stop it NOW!”

For a moment, I froze as I thought of him. Cody... he was who had made life worthwhile... he’d stood by me to stop me from doing precisely this...

“Most depressing girl on the planet!”

Why had he stayed by my side all those times... why...

“Not to mention the most hideous!”

Cody didn’t think I was ugly did he? What if he did?

“...how do you manage to fit your arms around that fatty?”

I was fat... I was so fat...

“Why waste your time with her anyway?”

Well... he wouldn’t have to waste his time with me anymore...

The actual cutting wasn’t so bad to be honest... over pretty quickly. Funnily enough, it did actually ease the agony I felt inside... then came a new pain. I glanced down at my arm, and was suddenly aware of how much blood was pouring out onto the floor...

“WILL!” screamed Cody. “WILL, PLEASE SEE SENSE... OPEN THE DOOR!”

...Cody...

...Cody was still there...

...Cody was still there when I needed him...

Something finally thunked into place. I’d broken my promise... he was going to be so mad...

I struggled to the door, cradling the bloody mess that was my left hand, and opened it. Cody stared at me for a moment before darting inside and closing the door.

“You...” he croaked. “... you actually did it...”

“I didn’t know it would bleed so much...” I gasped.

Cody reached out and grabbed my left arm, making me gasp in pain. “Your left one? You IDIOT!” He yelled the last word, making me jump and the tears to fall down my cheeks again. He rushed through to the kitchen and began rifling through the cupboards, finally stepping back holding a handful of gauze. He folded a piece into a pad and held it against my wrist, forcing me to hold my hand up above my head. “Hold it there!” he snarled. I quickly obeyed, not wishing to anger him further. He darted from the room, leaving me feeling a little bit like the Statue of Liberty. I didn’t know what to do. Cody was so angry with me... why was he still here?

“Hello? I need an ambulance.” I heard Cody saying. “... I don’t know... I’m scared she’s ruptured an artery or something... please just get here quickly...” He slammed the phone down and walked back into the kitchen. He glanced at me for a moment, then moved forwards and lifted me up, setting me down on the kitchen counter-top and forcing me to lie down. He took over the holding the gauze against my arm. He didn’t say anything to me. He looked determinedly at the blood on the floor, breathing heavily.

“... you’re mad at me aren’t you.” I said quietly, desperate to get him talking to me. I immediately regretted it.

He looked down at me, his dark eyes wild. “Mad at you? I’m furious with you!” he yelled. “You promised! You promised that no matter how bad it got... you promised...”

“I know...” I whispered. “I’m sorry... I’m so sorry...”

“Sorry isn’t going to heal this scar is it? The one thing I never wanted to see on your wrist...”

He fell silent, his anger slowly ebbing away. I felt my tears flowing faster down my cheeks. I put my right hand to my mouth to try to stifle my sobs. He suddenly looked down at me, and then reached down with the arm that wasn’t holding the bandage against my arm and wrapped it carefully around me.

“I’m not really mad... I’m scared more than anything. Why... why did you do it?”

“I don’t even know.”

“Please, don’t make a habit of this, I can’t keep coming in and saving you.”

I sighed and was about to say that I’d try when I remembered what I’d been promising last time I said that. “I promise I won’t.” I murmured. Cody smiled satisfied with me for once.

The ambulance ride and indeed, the trip into the hospital were more or less uneventful. Luckily, the wound wasn’t arterial, just venous so it was sorted quickly and easily. It wasn’t as serious as it could have been, but still enough to get me a day or two off school. Cody stayed at my side all the while I was being treated, holding my hand while they cleaned off the cut and inspected it, stitched my flesh back together and wrapped it in bandages. As we left, he squeezed my hand good hand.

“You were very brave in there.” he murmured.

I knew he was just trying to make up for the shouting at me. I felt awful, like the bride of Frankenstein, and it had only been a few stitches for Christ’s sake.

The next time I was in school, people were curious as to where I’d been. They didn’t seem satisfied with the stomach bug story, and someone saw the stitches in my left hand and began to tell everyone. So began the cycle again. “Willow Robins has done such and such.”

To be honest, I’d stopped caring about their opinions the moment that knife cut my skin. My eyes had been opened to something I’d never been aware of before. The fact that I was a human and that people did care about me. Cody was living proof of that.

Cody... my saviour...

I felt I owed him so much, yet he wanted nothing in return for saving me. We stayed together at all times. We kept each other going, same as we always had.

“Hey Willow, show us your scar!”

“Bet she’s off home now to kill herself with her emo boyfriend!”

“They don’t make out, they just sit together slitting their wrists!”

Those were the sorts of comments that followed us around when we walked around the corridors in school. At first, Cody trembled with rage as they yelled at me, but when he realised I was finally learning to shut their words out, he relaxed a lot more. Soon the quips died down and finally, I was free of the torment.

Eventually, the cut healed. Only the thin white line on my wrist told that I’d ever done anything terrible. It acted as my reminder. A reminder that I had people in my life who cared, like Cody. A reminder to close my ears to hurtful words. A reminder that I had to keep living.

It reminded me of the price I could have paid for my own stupidity... and of the agony of my own insanity.

I know it's not very good, but it's the best thing I've ever written while in my state of mind, plus, I just love Cody! One of my favourite characters, and he was only a spur of the moment thing. lolz

So yeah, like I said, first time I've really tried a short story thing... I'm not very good at it. I'm better at writing longer stories.

Please R&R I need constructive criticism!

Becca x