Because she is crying, he finds it difficult to tell her that because of these few months he is able to open up and – because she is crying so she finds it hard to think straight and... Jasper is standing there with a sad smile. Because Émilie is so selfish when it comes to this – because he is so uncomfortable and comfortable at the same time and –

With her, he found something that is hollow yet so valuable but... he hated himself for it (if there is any hate at all left in him to do so). Tears glides down her flushed cheeks like a violent waterfall and Jasper is the one drowning in her tears of sorrow – and because her – crying like there is no tomorrow – made Jasper realize that maybe... her going back to Pinedale – back to her real life will be the best for both of them and because Émilie realize she is crying, she feels pitiable and...

“Don’t leave.” He says.

It is perhaps – (better) – if he hasn’t opened his mouth. And funny it is how two simple words (three technically) only brings out another gallon of fresh brine and... Émilie kneels down – despising herself and Jasper – Jasper! – Because he is so heartless yet so compassionate and hates her and loves her so—

It is easier to say they both became too attached.

They never expected – Jasper perhaps – but even then... he did not feel the need to stop. Guess (it) happen in the strangest way possible.

“Am I yours to own?” She cries.

Because she knows what the answer is going to be, she only cries harder (and the tears just keep on coming) and Jasper merely stands beside her, not knowing what to do – he can’t seem to find the right words and it was uncanny because he unleashed himself to her in words many times but...

He like to think that Émilie will find her true happiness in Heatherford but... it seems impracticable at the moment because Jasper is standing there and because – what is happiness?

Because your sister’s been drinking more alcohol than she can pee ‘em out,

Because you miss your best friend (who is in Heatherford) a bit too much nowadays,

Because your ex has been a bit too possessive,

Because Pinedale cannot seem to offer you anymore new career opportunities,

Because Pinedale’s been raining way too much,

Because the love of your life and now fiancée’s often away from home due to inexplicable business trips,

Émilie decided to visit Heatherford for a while until she gets tired of the malls and people (the place, in general) and misses her fiancée Dante and misses being a soon-to-be-Jackson. Of course, being twenty-five and engaged is something to be proud of.

Devoid of any pride, Émilie gave Dante a fleeting peck on the cheek and headed for the vast city.

“I’ll miss you.”

“Be safe.”

“I will.”

“Bye.”

Because Émilie had to admit it was awkward, imagine what Dante thought! Perhaps ‘not seeing each other in a while’ will spice up their love life. Possibly a year later, they will be reunited with teddy bear hugs and kisses with loads of tongue in the rain. It is kind of hard to imagine but still... she can always hope and because going to Heatherford was what she wanted, Émilie kept optimistic about most things.

Because it was just her luck, upon arriving in Heatherford, her best friend’s off for a week to Pinedale (vice versa). Now hadn’t she loved that?

Because you don’t go up to someone you know of the highest status (editor for The Ford Enquire in this case) and say: “Hey—! You ignored me coldly when we were young when you had no friends and when you were a bore –!” Émilie and Jasper nodded politely to each other (she sadly noted he did not smile back) and tolerated each other right away.

Where the ‘right away’ meant after a week or so of talking about the weather and morning coffee.

“Wow, the sun sure is sunny today!” Émilie commented.

“Most of the time it always is.” He replied.

“...I think this is a bit too bold – I’m more used to flavoured coffees. Bitter black coffees aren’t really my thing, (just too bitter even with cream and sugar!).” She shook her head in sheepish disgust.

“Suit my taste buds.”

“Really?”

“... I pick the flavours every week.”

But because Émilie is a social butterfly and she’ll crack open any introverted spirit (i.e. the shy Michaela – who is having knee-slappers with Émilie’s ex Miles everyday by the way). Jasper wasn’t too hard – where ‘too hard’ means painfully hard.

Because Jasper isn’t a soulless psychopath and has at least some kind of heart, Émilie was able to fasten (his mouth more or less) after three weeks or so. Because they have at least two things in common, their tête-à-tête weren’t as painful as before (but still pretty painful). In her old workplace, PineDale-y, Émilie was known for keeping awkward conversations going, but in Heatherford’s esteemed The Ford Enquire, Jasper was capable of proving that wrong.

“I had one true friend in my life,” She announced one day to him, “she turned out to be a bitch.”

“I had one friend, too.”

“Really?”

“He turned out to be a teddy bear.”

Émilie mentally noted to get him a friend on the next upcoming holiday.

“When I was six, my parents divorced.”

“When I was six, my parents were six feet under.”

“...sorry,”

“I had a nice aunt though – but she joined my parents shortly after.”

Well, she can’t get him everything.

But it wasn’t their painful conversations that pulled them together; it was being able to ‘just talk’. We’ve all sat down on a bus and spilled our deepest and darkest woes and secrets to the stranger sitting next to us and realized that he or she was doing the same. Guess that was the very beginning or rather – the first spark of their alleged relationship.

And because opposites attract and similar sticks together... they were well on their way.

“You know Jase; you are really something.”

“You, Ms. Wood, are way out of line.”

Because on New Years, Émilie was told (when she was younger) that kisses are the sweetest. And because her relationship with Dante lacks romance or any other physical affection to be frank, you can say that is – was what she craved for the most.

Because New Years are to be celebrated at homes under the command of Jasper (that mirthless jerk!), The Ford Enquire had more or less of a depressing atmosphere on January the first.

Because Jasper is insomniac and Émilie experience nostalgia every so often, the roof became a second home for the two.

Because Émilie gave Jasper a kiss by accident, he resulted in a slightly more content persona (which is really not so content). Because he, apparently, craved for something sweet – rather salty actually, but because he doesn’t eat much (that thin but nevertheless robust jerk!), an unwanted but welcoming kiss on the lips filled his desire. We’d like to assume that it was quite sour but seeing as Émilie’s not an old bag whose saggy skin are identical to spoiled milk, it was definitely salty. Well, technically, it is more to the sweeter side because Jasper truly fancied the kiss (that self-indulgent jerk!).

They both stared at each other. Émilie flushed redder than a tomato; eyes depicting dread, curiosity and satisfaction (it is possible to carry three vastly different emotions in her eyes) whereas Jasper only looked surprised – in that half-hearted, dead beat and weak way – which is his eyes brows hoisted up high.

“...sorry.” Émilie whispered.

“...it happens.” Jasper nodded grimly.

Yet they both clearly knows that a small kiss on the lips doesn’t just ‘happen’ on the roof at New Years, under the starry fleet sky amid the cool wind between an editor and a contributor writer. But really, it doesn’t take blueprints and an underground headquarter to ‘plan’ it all out. So yes, it do happen, but the problem is that they both (yes, both. Jasper that shifty jerk!) intended it to happen because — because –

Because before Émilie realized what her new relationship with Jasper really is becoming, she believed it was (friendship). Because Jasper is so shrewd and knows that most things change (but mostly everything) after two people exchange an anticipated kiss, he believed ‘they’ were going somewhere. And he was just going with the flow.

Because of his “shrewdness”, he knows how it is going to affect Émilie’s relationship with Dante. It doesn’t take an idiot to comprehend that a certain angst-driven detective is going to shit a brick when he finds out that a certain editor is flirting with a certain lovable and petite fiancée of the certain detective.

It certainly does not take an idiot... but probably not a genius because what Jasper means by flirting –

“Morning Ms. Woods,”

“Morning Mr. O’Boyle,”

“...please, just Jasper.”

“...Mr. Jasper.”

“...close enough.”

“What?”

“—how do you like coffee this morning?”

“...good, very good,”

“No problem or anything whatsoever, right?”

“Of course not! Why would there be?” Émilie laughed. “You came to my apartment Sunday at night and asked me to choose between thirty-one flavours of coffee!”

Well, maybe it... would take a genius (or two).

What will one think Dante will get out off the editor knocking on his wife’s door every Sunday night? Because Émilie worked at the snug cubicle and Jasper his office by himself, they – well, he at least, is bound to... want to see her because –

Sporadically, he calls his personal assistant asking for ‘Ms. Woods’ and she comes in blithely because she is fond (maybe there is a stronger word for that – or weaker) of him and waits for his command but receive a temple rubbing Jasper who secretly wonders why he called for her in the first place. It appears to him that he was not thinking straight when he clearly dialled for the front office and specifically asked for Émilie. Ironic is it not?

Funny, because it only takes one glance at her every five hours, four, three, and two... hours (one?) was enough for the day (oh – that, sir, is an understatement!). Because Émilie was told not to be too meddlesome and ask too much questions, she had been keeping her mouth shut.

“Ms. Woods...”

“You called for me, Mr. Jasper?”

“Yes.”

Pregnant pause ensued. Émilie blinked.

“That is all, Émilie.”

“...thank you.”

Because Émilie detests useless ‘meetings’ held in Jasper’s office every two hours for five seconds, she fought the urge from asking the editor questions. But because – not only Jasper – Émilie’s been taking an advantage of this, she does not mind at all. Because one good look at him twists an unfamiliar smile across her face, she is more than happy to see him. She – of course – doesn’t know, because this is precisely the foundation of the five-second-‘meeting’ thought up by Jasper. Yes – bringing smiles upon both of their faces.

“Sorry about the kiss last time... well – not much of a kiss but –”

“Whatever you say, Ms. Woods.”

Because Émilie is completely (partially, really) oblivious and Jasper is so new to the “feeling” of... affection (a bit extreme in his opinion) and the odd relationship they have. But because it is so new and so odd, and so exiting and so scary, and so—

And there were clothes scattered everywhere and bed sheets out of place and Émilie’s room is a total pigsty and –

“Shit.”

It was enough to say that Émilie couldn’t find the teddy – was it? – for Jasper on the much loathed Valentine’s Day. Because Émilie is not a messy fool – any fool for that matter – to begin with, this mishap was a catastrophe for her, but because she didn’t run around in circles crying: “Mama Mia!” she showed up for coffee in the morning with Jasper. Because he appeared to hate every holiday (especially tacky ones), it is ironic because Émilie loves tacky ones and also loves to give out equally tacky but innovative gifts. Because Émilie accidentally found the gift wrapped nicely in her Vera Wang bag the whole time, she was able to hand him his gift happily.

Because everyone was minding their morning brew (chai latte this week), Émilie took this opportunity to present him his friend. Jasper took it with a nod but cannot surpass a frown in the pleasantest way possible. She didn’t say anything because – to be frank – it was an embarrassing moment and she kept blushing at the intensity of Jasper’s gaze and... He might not like it but–

Because he saw the gift later in his office he smiled crookedly. His old, true “best friend” was darkish beige with eyes bouncing loosely but unfortunately died of–. Jasper did not like to think about it – the one sitting all dandy and neat in the yellow box was a brown one that was unexpectedly homemade. Because of mistakes such as the uneven sewing lines and one arm shorter than the other by four centimetres (he really hoped she did not treat the other workers as inadequately as the bear), Jasper was quite pleased how she spent her time making the bear because –

It was a nice bear, he thought. Cute – physically out of shape – of course but... cute nevertheless.

He called ‘Ms. Woods’ to his office at lunch, she entered his room anxiously.

“Thank you, Émilie.”

“You are welcome – it is not much – I mean...”

“...yes, it’s not but I really appreciate it.”

Because of the gift perhaps, ‘it happens’ starts to happen regularly. But it is not necessarily on the roof now but in his office, her apartment, behind the public washrooms near the building, and of course... the roof. Because she is genuinely fond of Jasper and he is genuinely fond of Émilie but ‘fond’ does not seem to be the right word and – because they both are so secretive and nonchalant and you know how Jasper’s a ‘talker’ around her and – you know how he never opened up to anyone but her because –

And there were clothes scattered everywhere and bed sheets out of place and Émilie’s room is a total pigsty and –

She found him next to her that morning.

Because she thought it was just a ‘fling’ because she never experienced a ‘summer fling’ she immediately thought everything was going to be fine, besides she is still young and technically not married and—

Because he thought it might be love because all his life ‘love’ was what he has not experienced and because it is his time (finally) and it felt right with her and everything but—

Jasper’s not desperate for love and certainly can ‘get some’ whenever he wants with his looks and status and everything but because his hazel eyes are locked on the only girl who is taken—

Dante Jackson!

(Émilie’s engaged!)

Shit!

Because no one will ever know and this is only between the unlucky pair it is well-kept. But Émilie cannot tolerate the feeling of remorse and shame and somehow, between the negative ambiences... bliss. Because Jasper is a decent man, he will not take another man’s wife (figuratively) but he is a very ‘literal’ person… still – as soon as guilt starts to bear down on him, bliss, too, overpowers his wide range of puzzling emotions – but because he cannot forget the fact that she belongs to an another man – he watches himself from that night (or day or both) on – but because she is so enchanting – wait – when did he starts to feel – this?

“What happened last night?”

“…nothing magical.”

Because she had been away from home for nearly half a year now, Dante finally snaps and wants his fiancée back in two weeks. Émilie only whispered an: “Um. Okay”. Because she and Jasper are something deeper than ‘friends’ and ‘friends with benefits’, she would like that to continue for... oh, she don’t know... a year or so? She thought about different excuses she could throw at Dante but when she was so close to finding the perfect one... the image of that night pops up and the ceaseless guilt arises with just a hint of bliss somewhere.

Because Émilie knows she is going to leave Heatherford no matter what she happens, she cried herself to sleep that night – wishing Jasper was there with her – but even if he is, what would happen? That was a one time thing – talk about the weather and flavoured morning coffees? Anything! Because ‘just talking’ with Jasper provided her comfort and – no!

(I’m a Jackson, dammit!)

She did not show up for coffee that morning.

“I’m leaving.” Émilie tells Jasper the following afternoon.

Jasper knows what had come up and understands – because he... is very, very, very fond of her... wait – no! He does not understand a single thing! He would bicker mentally why Dante hadn’t called Émilie home a month prior. Funny, because in just six months, Jasper and Émilie became strangely attached. He does not understand!

(What is there to not understand?)

Because what they shared is beyond ‘sex’... it is –

Jasper would like to know one thing: what is it that they blissfully shared? Pointless but painfully enjoyable conversations – a fleeting kiss that means absolutely nothing – sharing portions of their personal life – celebrating Valentine’s Day with a “physically challenged” teddy bear – a few more kisses – most importantly (yet not so important if you really think about it) the night of wild, zealous, fervent, brisk ‘sex’ – what in God’s name does it all lead to? That is what one would call a ‘fling’ right? Flings are supposed to happen and forget it ever happened. Damn right they happened – now where’s the forgetting part? It should come in a full bundle!

But because it wasn’t a ‘fling’—

Émilie watches Jasper’s grim expression transforms to this half-hearted, dead beat and weak astonishment and needless to say, it was uncanny; she knows he knows what is going on. His mouth drops about an inch down in support of his ‘surprised’ look but to Émilie’s surprise, it was an inhale and exhale (a long and deep sigh to be exact). Almost like a sign of relief.

“Okay.”

But she knows that it is not.

She wishes it was, though. He does, too.

– What is happiness?

Happiness is another untailored word for ‘bliss’. They’ve shared ‘bliss’ before and for numerous times – what makes them think it is not ‘happiness’? Were there any ‘happiness’ shared? To be shared?

“What makes you think what we have is real?” Émilie cries out the same question she has been asking herself endlessly every night.

(I’m blind – I’m blind.)

Jasper stood motionlessly, yet his eyes illustrating a bountiful of his puzzling emotions.

Because she is crying, his heart breaks a little. Because he understands (at least) how she feels, Émilie’s heart breaks a little. What is the difference between what they have and what they think they have? Because Jasper is a pessimist and Émilie’s in denial because –

“It’s real, Em – because I can feel it.”

She drops her head down, reluctantly grasping the truth because –

“Stop,”

Yet Jasper went on; because you know when he feels strongly about something, because he’s a talker around her—

“...because what we have – what is here… it is—”

Émilie’s rainy eyes are fixed on his mesmerizing face she misses every two hours or so, studying every aspect of it carefully. Suddenly, the answer is right there, so clear and so unclear and — Jasper kneels down with Émilie, pulling her closer, feeling her tremble in his embrace.

“This is...”

“No...” Émilie shakes her head vigorously.

What is real? What is considered real? Is it the unspoken love? And just what is ‘fake’? Is it the much spoken ‘fling’? Because only what is real is able to change people and their desires and goals and everything and mess them all up endlessly yet satisfying them in the end and — real puts people up in denial whilst questioning themselves and hate everything about themselves yet grasps the truth in the end effortlessly – real is what happened between the two. One is amused (a sad, sad amusement) and the other is in denial. Jasper funnily understands what really happened from head to toe and he accepts that. Émilie, ironically, does, but believes she does not.

“You got off the plane that was heading for Pinedale, right?”

“…does it matter?”

“Maybe that is the first sign of starting to believe.”

The inadequate brown bear sitting neatly on top of the supplies cabinet (for the rest of the employees to see) watched the receiver and the giver discuss about the constant sunshine and bittersweet coffees every morning.

fin