|The Vampire Express
Author: Free the dancing Llamas PM
The Vampire Express: Where you ask a question and one of our vampires Answer. Now answering your questions: Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III, Reginald, Dotti And Cassandra ElitzRated: Fiction T - English - Humor - Chapters: 7 - Words: 9,317 - Reviews: 43 - Favs: 14 - Follows: 9 - Updated: 03-24-10 - Published: 10-12-08 - Status: Complete - id: 2582905
|A+ A- Full 3/4 1/2 Expand Tighten|
Letter One from: 8daystillsunday
Very good chapter! This was actually very informative, in which I have a question:
When you say Pet is your human servant, you don't mean like a slave, do you? And how do you "mark" your human servant in order to make them live forever?
(Sorry if that was two questions instead of one...=/)
Thankyou for your letter, please continue to write if you have anymore questions, because the fact is you are keeping us all here at the Vampire Express, employed. And I love money. So let us continue shall we?
Q1: When you say Pet is your human servant, you don't mean like a slave, do you?
Answer: Yes, pet is my slave. My sex slave, my food slave, my writing slave. My slave for everything.
I jest. Pet is not my slave. Though there are some vampires that treat their human servant as such, I am not one of them. I love pet, sometimes I fear I am more a slave to her than she to me. Pet "serves" me in the sense that she is my blood donor, my lover, and a part of my powerbase.
Q2: how do you "mark" your human servant in order to make them live forever?
Answer: A good question to ask. I hope my answer will not be confusing for you.
In order to have a human servant, only one mark is required to be shared between the person and vampire. These marks are commonly established spiritually with the vampire's power, linking the human servant and the vampire in the metaphysical sense, so that we become one being, however often this access of power and bonding is usually done at the same time as performing intimate actions, for example, literally 'biting' the human servant or something even more intimate such as making love.
There are four marks to be shared between human and vampire in order to become a full human servant, and the more marks shared, the more powerful the connection between human servant and Vampire. Does my explanation make sense so far? Alright, the final fourth mark is the mark which eternally bonds my human servant to me. Once we had all four marks, no master was able to steal her from me and make her their human servant. It is the fourth mark that binds us so tightly that we share each other's power, abilities and characteristics, including the ability to never age. The only real danger with containing all four marks is that if one of us dies it is inevitable to other will.
I do not mind how many questions you ask; the more you ask the more money I get. Like I stated previously, I love money, money loves me, my money comes from humans and humans love me.
Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III
Letter Two from: 8days till sunday
Loved it, as usual.
So, um, has Cassandra ever been nice to you, Dante? Or is she always...well, rude? (there is a more accurate word, I'm just being cautious due to the fact that I don't wish to sleep with my eyes open)
My, my two letters, 8daystillsunday, I feel rather loved. Thankyou for you letter. I think it is my favourite one so far.
Q: Has Cassandra ever been nice to you?
Answer: I thought about this for five grueling seconds, going through my memories as such. The answer I came up with was: no.
She never has. She lied about poisoning precious pet. I know she would deny this all, but she cannot for she is in hospital because apparently someone accidently stabbed her twenty-six times until she couldn't move. I have no idea who this mysterious person was, but if it were me, I would pat myself on the back. Just so you know, I just gave myself a pat on the back. Pet lies upon my chair, desolate and in despair. We have lost our child from the poisoning. I ask you, dear reader, a question: How do I make a woman who has just lost her baby happy again?
Write again, if this answer is not satisfactory,
Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III
Letter from: The Life of a Third
Hello Vampire Express and all who inhabit it,
Have you ever tried to turn an animal into a vampire? (I did by accident; check the story on my profile) Or did you at least hear of someone who did? Did you happen to see an army of rabbit vampire-squirrels somewhere in your area? I swear I got rid of them all last time but a couple of them escaped me and were lost somewhere, (I also heard someone befriend them but I'm not sure anymore (They are rabid after all) but I think whoever it was just got eaten)
It's not like I made the army! (Actually, I did just don't tell Michael)
Wait… Did you guys even hear of the rabid vampire-squirrels who threatened to take over the world that one time? (I really don't care if you don't though)
I'm not crazy, not random just... LOOK A DISTRACTION!! *Tries to run away*
Alright, so did you ever, I dunno, do any homework? (At my school it is required and such a handful, forcing knowledge down our throats like that. I think I choked on that piece of Algebra last time, yuck)
How about… (If your wondering why I'm asking so many questions, it's because I'm supposed to be doing my homework so I'm procrastinating) …can you guys recycle? Like, can you recycle a human or something? (Yes, I know that sounded so stupid just then)
The totally awesome procrastinator,
I like Squirrels
Letter from: Kira Love
I enjoyed hearing from you and I'm glad you came out from under the desk! I do wish you luck on your pen hunt, but I find mechanical pencils so much more fun! All that clicking annoys so many people. So I'll gladly trade another watch for a pencil.
Garlic is only good on garlic bread and on very few occasions. I wonder, will you hunt down my brother if I tell him that his vampires are real and give him some garlic? That way you can find him by the smell...
Cassandra, I am very sorry for your loss. Maybe if you supplied him with more power tools he'd leave around your writing devices! Or trade back for your pens?
Dante, Pet seems like a very smart woman... My doctor told me the other day that men were dogs too. And she has a PHD! Amazing.
P.S. Sorry Dante, Reginald's power drill is on the way. I even put a bow on it!
Mechanical pens? The things these humans make.
Don't give brother garlic for protection – does not protect. Garlic, Garlic awful stuff. But I will find him. I will not hunt him. I will steal his pens, and his socks. I'm not allowed to hunt. Dante won't let me. He told me I was bad. It made me angry at him, but then he stabbed the demon-monster, so I like him now.
Urgh. I shudder at the mention of the demon's name. She rots so steadily in hell. Queen of hearts and daggers. She once tried to kiss me. It hurts. It hurts. No more.
Dante's pet-mate? Clever, kind. She helps me steal pens. Demon poisoned her. I saw. Men are dogs? But I am not a dog. This confuses me greatly. Am I a dog?
Much thanks for the power drill. I will use it to destroy.
Dear Kira Love,
Thankyou for your letter. I cannot say that I am as grateful for the power drill you gave Reginald. But he is content to play with it and as we speak is destroying our employer's carpet, walls and desk. I suppose then it is not too bad. It is a shame he got to my desk first.
Cassandra is unable to answer your letter. I say this with (no) sadness. She is in hospital after a freak-accidental stabbing. Really, it was quite sudden. It is lucky I had time to hide the knife.
Pet is indeed a clever woman. A clever woman in distress. I suppose I shall tell you though, that it is lucky I have Reginald to distract my dearest pet today from thoughts of her lost baby. He is not the dimwit he pretends to be. He understands pet, and so has been distracting her all day, showing her the power drill (why? Why did you have to send it? Why?), he even let her touch it. Last time someone touched something that belonged to him they ended up on the ground floor with two broken legs and a concussion. He has even taken her on one of his many pen stealing crusades. They are hiding under my desk from our employer as we speak. They have destroyed his office, and are now in a great deal of trouble. It is funny that Reginald hides from this. Our employer is far too scared of Reginald to actually retaliate. Come to think of it, it must be because he is planning something else.
Ah yes. Men are dogs, I suppose that explains why Cassandra is a bitch. (Ha ha I love my jokes)
Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III
Letter from: I am a Panda
I'm a huge fan. :] Butbut I wanna know something HUGE!
Where do babies come from?
Dearest I am a panda,
I should tell you now, this is the Vampire Express. I am not your mother or your father. But I suppose I should just answer this anyway. I mean, I know the answer, so why not impart my wisdom upon you?
Q: Where do babies come from?
Answer: Some people will say that babies come from a stalk, others say a cabbage patch. One little girl once told me that her parents sent a letter to god, god made a diamond, then it turned into her, then a stalk bought her down to her parents. Do you know what I said? I said the same thing I am going to say to you; It is all lies. Your parents tell you because it is too harsh a topic to talk about in front of little children. Absolute rubbish. My sister was engaged at the age of four. Babies come from the Vagina. To be specific, the female vagina. Men do not have vaginas, they have what is called a penis. A baby is the result of when mummy and daddy have sex, sexual intercourse, fuck, make love or do IT. Sex is the unification of the female and male genitals, sort of like a jigsaw puzzle, or if your are inclined to homosexuality it is the unification of various other body parts. If you are still confused, please read the pamphlet I have inserted into this letter.
I hope you did not cry like the little girl. What is there to cry about? I hope this helps you on your way to knowledge. Feel free to ask me any more questions.
Dante Bartholomeu Regastus III.
Dear Vampire Express,
It has come to our attention that a large file of complaints has been made against your company and the employers within it.
The complaints are in regards to offensiveness caused by language, bullying from various employers who have on numerous occasions; "Threatened to kill customers" or "Send Reginald upon them". These threats have appeared in letters and most recently we have been notified that there is violence and harassment towards the customers.
If this should continue. Legal action will be persued.
Please note that this is a warning. The next warning will not be a warning, but a summons to court.
Department of business & economics.
To the Department of Business & Economics,
We sincerely hope this letter finds you well.
The Vampire Express Team