I'm sick of hearing about it

I'm sick of hearing about it.
I'm not trying to be funny or anything,
I just am, plain and simple.
I just don't want to hear about it anymore - at all.
But you can't run from something like this.
I mean, it seems like
Everyone, Everywhere,
Wants to talk about it - and they are.

But how do you let them know kindly, that you don't?
I mean, I don't blame them,
Hell, if it had been anybody else, in any other situation -
I'd wanna talk about it too, but not this time.
My ears burn - figuratively, yet literally just the same.
It makes me sick to hear about it, and even more to talk about it.
But, if I don't, y'know, then there's something wrong with me.
(In their eyes)

I'm tired of feeling like this.
But there's nothing I can do and no one I can talk to about it.
Not even the two people I tell everything.
(No offense)
I'm ashamed, and rightfully so,
So I guess I deserve the torture of hearing about it
day...after day...after day.
Right?

I don't know, something like this I don't expect to die down in the near future.
At least summer's here, maybe I'll be able to breathe easier,
And hopefully I'll be able to avoid the -

"Why are you crying?"

or my favorite -

"Are you okay?"

I wanna shout and them all -

"Hell no I'm not okay! Why the fuck do you think I'm crying?!"

Damn.
But there's nothing I can do or say
To stop the questions...
Except to keep smiling.
Keep faking and allowing them to believe that
"Yes, I'm okay"
A lie I hope I won't have to tell for long.
But I will if need be.

I fucked up on a whole new level
And there's nothing I can do to change it!
Nobody I can talk to about it without getting the -
"Oh look, there she goes."
I don't need, or want that kind of,
Negative attention.
So I keep it all to myself.
To avoid all the drama.

It's eating me up inside to have to sit and hear these things.
I'm disgusted with myself.
Avoid mirrors.
Change conversations.
Go off into a dream just to keep my mind off it.
It doesn't help, much.
It's just one of those things that you want a time machine for.
Make it all go away.

Hell, I'd take the "re-do" watch from the "Fairly Oddparents",
Just to make it go away -But I can't.
Just another one of the "benefits" of reality.
The only way I'm finding to cope with the situation
Is this poem
I don't know who'll read this
But it helps writing (typing) it all down
And going through my thoughts with myself.

I'm not looking for sorrow, sympathy,
Or whatever else I might receive
Just because of what I'm going through.
And I wouldn't deserve it…
Then there would be the anger and disappointment
That would surely come
And I don't think that I could deal with that.
Besides, I'm beating myself up about it enough as is.

I'm disgusted with myself
The whole situation has had me,
Angry, depressed, and confused
I mean
I've said so much stuff about her
When really
The only difference between me and her
Is I wasn't caught…

I'm disgusted with myself
I feel miserable and if possible
Jealous?
Ugh, no, never that
At least that's what I'm telling myself
But, I make up so many lies to keep people away from the truth about me
I start believing the lies
So how can I tell the lies from my real feelings?

I'm writing this to own up to my mistakes
And bring the reality to light, for me
I actually have no problem with her
At least not for this situation
She gets on my nerves for other reasons
This just added fuel to the fire, but I think I've been pretty calm
I mean, nobody has said anything about me screaming
Or am I the only one that can hear that?

I'm on his side with the majority of everyone else,
Not hers just because it is her.
But really, the truth is I know what I believe happened
Because I know it happened to me.
That situation - Keep it secret, keep it safe
No time for jokes though
This is serious, I'm under enough stress
This situation and the secrets are eating me alive!

How much more can I take?
I don't want to find out.
I don't think I could bear to find out.
My heart can't take it,
Won't take it.
And I can't bear to keep up the front.
Summer's here,
And I still can't escape the drama.

I'm use to getting out of stuff like this myself,
Because I hate, I mean hate,
Relying on other people.
The only person you can depend on is yourself
But I've never dealt with anything this huge myself, not in a long time.
I never thought I would have to again.
But what I like and dislike doesn't matter now
I don't think I can make it myself this time

Walls are closing in around me,
The sky is falling, I'm in pain!
I can't move!
And it all hurts so bad!
I'm screaming for help,
But no one can hear me
I keep trying to get up myself
But this secret is weighing me down…

Suffering here in this hell,
Is better than dealing with
The looks,
The stares,
The murmurs,
All which are sure to come,
If this ever got out
Maybe I'm not as strong as I thought?

The mystery behind my secret,
I hope to keep just that,
A mystery
If you figure out
Good for you
But don't ask
I won't tell
Never…maybe

So, until the truth comes out,
Or hopefully until this all blows over,
I'll keep on smiling like nothing's wrong
And keep pretending that,
"I am okay."
My own defense mechanism.
Until then, I'm stuck here, alone,
Suffering in silence.