My head on your Chest

by: blissfully nameless

All those promises.

All those dreams.

Is it silly for me to say I believed them?

It snowed today.

I like the snow. It’s white. It’s pure. It cleanses. It’s soft to the touch, and it instantly melts- fading to liquid. I like the snow. I like how it parades down the sky, announcing the first trace of winter- cold, icy, white, empty winter. I like feeling the cold on my fingertips- freezing until they’re numb. It makes me nostalgic.

Though I must admit I don't like the word “nostalgic”, because it implies that one is still anchored in the past. While I can still look back and smile fondly, it doesn't mean that I necessarily want to go back. It was a blissful crescendo- the anticipation, the building up, the explosion… and dear lord! It was a beautiful end. And then, nothing ended. Yes, nothing ended.

We met five years ago. Do you remember? In English class? We were teamed up in an English project. I was too hyper; you were too quiet. The very insecure part of me thought you hated me, but then you would always stick with me, so maybe... maybe you didn't. You were a stranger, and I would just stare at you because I wasn't sure you were human. You always had that same blank expression on your face- like you were in your own unperturbed bubble. I always felt like an intruder in your world. But then, there you were. Always. Always. Right next to me. There would be silence. It was awkward. You didn't speak. You wouldn't speak, and it was so frustrating, because fuck I had no one else. It was our first year of high school. We were freshmen, we were new, and I was alone- utterly alone. I was terrified, and you were always there. Quiet. Silent. Expressionless.

You never said no. You always helped people, and you never got mad- even when people took advantage of you. You never replied. I swear, I thought you were an alien. You made me uneasy, but what was most unbelievable was how easily I got used to you. You, by my side- quiet, silent, expressionless, and always calm. So, I began telling you stuff-stuff about my life, stuff that I would never dare to utter to anyone else, because you were always so quiet, so expressionless, so calm. I started confiding in you. You were the epitome of innocence. I don't even know how or why I began trusting you… I don't trust anyone! How can I trust you? I got mad, I was volatile, I got angry- and you were gentle and calm. Your presence was… soothing.

It was funny how we established our own little routine. We would always meet at the same place. We would always go outside at lunch period and walk around aimlessly; eager to get far away from this school we had trouble identifying with. I babbled; you listened. Then, a year later, you replied. You replied. You answered. You talked to me. It is funny how despite a year of silence, how natural it felt to have you talk to me... And a year later, I wanted to kill myself.

I think that's when it began. Our friendship. Friendship seems like such a banal word to describe what you were to me, what you still are to me. At a time when I felt so fucking detached from the world, when I was in this black hole of doom and emptiness, when I felt like I was no longer alive, no longer attached to my body, but just a spectator of what I thought was then my sad excuse for a life, you stood by my side. I couldn't stand being with people, because it felt so fake. It felt like I had this role to play, a role that I was unable to play. Someone who was once dear to me told me I had lost my "spark", and then she walked out of my life. It had hurt. I had felt (unreasonably) betrayed… and there you were. Right by my side. It felt so right. Your natural understanding helped me heal, helped me get over it. That’s when the promises and the dreams began.

I remember spending hours on the phone with you talking about how Demolition Lovers made our heart beat, how Gee hit the note just right, how I imagined dying on the immaculate white snow- red perfectly splattered on white-, and how this- whatever abstract thing “this” was- would never die. It would never. No siree. Was it silly of me to believe it?

When the fiery autumn leaves cascaded from the sky, we were in the empty, dilapidated park talking about our dreams, talking about how high we were. We swung on that rusty swing that would squeak under our weight, as though it would fall apart in any second. The cool oxidized metal in our sweaty hands. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. We were so high; we were unreachable. They were little promises, stupid promises. We promised to make these stupid t-shirts with the cheesiest lines. We promised to go do a Eurasian trip when we graduated from college- traveling through the streets of Europe by bike. We promised to live, to love, to laugh. We promised to live in a secluded house amidst the raining forest far from our parents. We promised that if by forty we were still single, we'd live together and adopt a couple of children and- fuck social norms! WE WILL NOT CONFORM! We had the stupidest (“original”- we would insist) names for our kids, but at that time, I saw your eyes sparkle and all I could see was beauty. We promised to the sky, to the rain, to the sun, that we would fly high. Then, there were the big promises. You promised we'd stay together forever. I told you I'd kill myself if you were to leave me. I needed something, someone to grab on to, and something to hold while I got my feet steady. And you didn't mind me leaning on you. You said you'd do the same, and suddenly, I felt less stupid. I didn't get it- all these swirling emotions inside me. I don't know what it was, because words seemed so inadequate to describe how right you were for me, how we just fit perfectly. You and me. Us. How I couldn't imagine an existence without you. We spent summer in my basement with the lights closed, music blaring; my head on your chest as we whispered secrets to each other. My head on your chest, I remember hearing your heart beat with such clarity. I remember thinking- you’re alive.

Do you get how intoxicating you were? How dependent I was on you? Because I really believe I would have ended my “miserable” life if you were to disappear. An irrational part of my brain literally feared that one day I would wake up and realize you were just an elaborate dream, a figment of my fucked-up, fertile imagination. You were my everything. Do you get that? Everything for someone who was nothing? Do you realize how intense that was?

You were no longer the quiet, expressionless girl sitting in the back of English class. You never missed a chance to call me an idiot, to pinch me when I said something stupid (which was often). You constantly insulted me. You always said that I talked way too much, and “would it kill you to shut-up”? But I didn't give a damn, because I could see you didn't mean a word of it, because you were always there. By my side. My head on your chest. Sometimes, when we were in school, splayed lazily in the hallways, I would topple my legs on yours just to bug you. You would insult me, tell me to fuck off. I didn't move. You didn't make me move. If motivated enough, I licked you. You called me a crazy fucker. I grinned. You didn't wipe yourself. We just fit. I would rant, I would stay crazy stuff, I would make lame jokes, and sometimes I would even shamelessly flirt. But the times when I really needed to talk about life, about my views, about what mattered to me, you listened. It didn't matter if you were an Atheist. It didn't matter, that we didn't share the same culture. Hell, it didn't even matter that I was younger than you. You listened to me so completely, you understood me so perfectly, I was sure that you were a part of me. Maybe you were this figment of my imagination, because you couldn't be someone else! You couldn’t be someone separate from me. At times, I felt so selfish, because I was always the one talking, the one taking. But then, then, you started confiding in me too. I bubbled with happiness, because I think you felt the same way I did. I finally saw who you really were. All of you. \I saw a part of you that no one else got to see. And then, there came a point where I didn't even need to speak. You understood what I meant. You finished my sentences when I trailed off, we made the same comments when something struck us as odd or funny or note-worthy. Sometimes we had such fragmented conversations that no one but us could understand.

And I have never laughed so much in my entire life as I have with you. I remember the first time you laughed. It was so befitting. It was a wonder that I had never heard you laugh before. Remember when we would act overly affectionate in front of your homophobic mum just to piss her off? Or how we tricked your brother into going on a date with a guy? Or how we nearly got arrested that one time in the park, but luckily ran for our lives just in the nick of time? Or when I convinced you to play the guitar in the metro station, pretending to be hobos? You always told me I was fucking insane. And you said I had the stupidest, the craziest ideas... yet, you always went along with them.

You were a gem. Your artwork was beautiful, you music made my heart bleed, and your thoughts were so poetic~ and yet, you failed to see how wonderful you were. And you said, I was the one with the Inferiority complex?

We were inseparable. We spent every second together for five years, and never once did we fight, never once did we get tired of each other, never once did we get on each others nerves. Sometimes, we would recall our stupider days. You would always blame me, and I would somehow bring the subject back to your big boobs. We would spend days staring at the clouds. We had this impenetrable bubble that sometimes scared people off. We had too many inside jokes. There were so few words, yet so much depth.

Then, just like a foggy dream, high school seemed to fade to black. It was the end of an Act, the closing of a chapter, the end of an era. The curtains closed. Five years had passed in a blink of the eye, and suddenly we were hurled into the real world. A new Scene had begun: the Fast Life, Money, Education, Job and Family. I had confessed to you on the sidewalk at the end of the rainy summer. The drizzle soaked us to the core, but really I didn't give a fuck. Your clothes stuck to you like a second pair of skin. They hung down on you, smothering you, smothering me. No more time for my head on your chest, listening to your heartbeats. No more dreams of Europe and T-shirts. No more whispering in your ear and taking a thousand pictures of our sweet nothings. No. We are grown-ups now. No time for such stupidity. We accepted the fate social norms forced on us. You went your way. I went mine, because after all, you were separate from me. Our paths diverged. College came. I have to admit, I dreaded parting, because growing up meant growing apart, because you had your own life ahead of you, because we probably will have very little time for each other now. And I know, I know, it's all a part of Life. It's all a part of growing up, but fuck. I didn't want to be all alone all over again! Because being lonely was so painful.

But then you called me an idiot.

And you whispered in my ear

“Didn't I tell you, we'd be together? Forever?”
Your eyes shone so brightly and I knew at that moment, you wouldn't lie to me.

And God! How I believed you.

Copyrighted 2008 © blissfully nameless

Fiction press ID: 635320