Chapter 6, Findings.

The ride back to Genny’s house was totally uneventful, mainly because I was not even attempting to strike up conversation with her mom, or her. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to be left alone for the rest of my life, free to study this feeling that I loved, and did not know about. The clouds seemed to glide parallel with us as we drove back to Genny’s small house. I looked up at them thinking to myself. What was I thinking about? Lots of things actually, the first and possibly the worst was my mom, and of course with that thought came the thought of the meeting. The thing I thought about least however, was school. When I would think about that my mind would switch over to my safety. One other thing I did think about, though not as much as my mom, yet more than school, was thoughts about Ciara. I of course once again tried to tell myself to stop it because she did not, does not, and never will like me, so I should stop at this minute. I didn’t listen to common sense. I did however replay the afternoon in my own head again. I couldn’t help it. It was like reading an interesting part in a book. No matter how many times you read that part, you turn the page back just for one more peek. I then once again started to ponder the reason why I wanted to come up with that kind of metaphor, but no answer comes to my brain. I ask myself why to this day. Why did I want to hear her voice all the time? Why did I want to spend all my time with her even when I had talked with her for four hours? Why, even though I knew how old she was, did I want to be with her? I didn’t have an answer. Try as I might to think of one, I did not, and could not even think of an explanation. No answer at all formed inside of my own head. I sighed, and turned my brain to the darker side of my life, my mom. How was I going to handle her? Yes I was turning eighteen, but why did Kevin insist on me getting the meeting set up this year? Technically I was still a minor, and my mom would have to sign off on the agreement anyway, and I knew she would not, so why was I even trying? It didn’t make sense. Nothing I was doing seemed logical or indeed possible in a normal human life. I asked the biggest question of all that day, a question that I had asked all the time, not ever receiving any hint of an answer. Why me? Why did I have to be chosen to go through this crap? I am sure, like me, other people wished they could be born in someone else’s body, watching from the sidelines. I have no idea why I kept asking the question, but I did. It didn’t come as a huge shock when no one could answer my one simple question, not even god. I cursed him many times. I yelled at him, I said I hated him, I questioned his goodness, and I questioned him. At nights, I would say straight to his face “your evil. Does not matter what someone says, I know the truth. You’re evil, if you place kids in this kind of home. I hope your watching this god, because if you are, I just wanted to tell you one thing. I hate you.” I’m not sure if he heard me or not. How could I not hate god after all, since he was the one who created people, he made my mom, and since he brings people into this world, then why me, in hell? Why couldn’t he place me in a happy family, a kind family? Granted, I was a lot stronger than any other kids my age, inside. I was a good liar, and I was a quick thinker from the experiences with Cops and Child services, which in our town were called DCF. I was brave, and I never cried anymore. It stopped when I was 13. I never cried since, but I want to live some place else. Why, oh why, did god have to place kids in hell? People always said that god did things for a reason, and I thought that was such bull, by that logic then, the kids who have cancer, who are mentally retarded, and who are disabled all through their life have to struggle just because god wanted to, or because he had some plans? Judging that, I deduced one thing. If that indeed was his plans, he was no better than the devil. He just helped a few people here and there. All I knew was I hated him.

When we got back to Genny’s house, I was taken home back to Kevin’s house. Nothing happened on the log trip either, so once again I just sat and thought about all kinds of things. When I did get home however, I didn’t email my friends like I usually do. I look up social security. I found some interesting information actually, but I was looking for an FAQ on what would happen after I turned 18. I found some helpful stuff, but they were stuff I had deduced, or had already known about. I did however come across something both fascinating and completely irrelevant to me… I thought. It was a question that bluntly asked how do I declare my child incompetent of managing his money? I Skimmed past it. Why would I want to, or even need to know that anyway. That wasn’t about me, or had anything to do with me. In the end, that was a complete waste of my time and effort. Why was I even looking things up anyway? The meeting was set, I was about to be eighteen in about three weeks, so why was I looking things and information up trying to get one step ahead of her. She had no power over me what so ever, especially after this next Birthday anyway, so why was I thinking that she was going to win? I don’t know. I told myself. Stop it. You’re making yourself sick over this. Even though I thought that my thoughts were correct, my heart told me I should still look, try and dig up as much info as I could, is ready for any bluff that she may come up with, or any lie. I knew she was going to, she wasn’t that smart. She would lie and she would turn the tables on me, and make it look like I was leaving her after she “cared for me. Even though I knew without a doubt she was going to do that I still had trouble understanding why I wanted to do research? I was ahead of her, and I would always be, Right? I would be, so I should stop this now. I shouldn’t worry because I have nothing to worry about. Coming to that notion at last I did nothing the rest of the day, and the next morning. As I was writing funny quips in my journal the next day early in the morning, I come to a really stupid choice. I should tell my mom I am moving out, or plan to anyway. I wanted to give her a huge scare, plus I wanted to pay her back, to show that she didn’t have power over me like she used to…

I am thirteen, and I am standing at the front door of a house surrounded by trees. A woman is standing in front of me with a clip board in her hand, taking notes of how I look. I do not know why, or how I know this, I just do. I also know that she was called here for my mom, not me. Again, I don’t know why or how I know this. I just do, like I just know that two plus two is four. I just know. She sits on the step next to me. Why is she doing that? Isn’t she here to ask mommy stuff?

“What happened last night?”

“I don’t know.” I answer, saying the thing mommy told me to say. My mom comes and she says she needs me because I didn’t make my bed up this morning. I go, puzzled because I did, or tried to when she wasn’t here. She takes me in my room, and shuts the door. I’m scared. Is she going to hit me again? Is she going to hurt me again? My face hurts where she hit it last night. She sits down, and looks at me, our eyes level. She gazes at me with something in her eyes I cannot tell.

“Did you tell what I did? Did you?” I’m scared. I’m more than scared. I’m also cramped. The room I am in can only hold a bed and a closet. My shoe squishes something. I look down to see that I had just killed a big fat black roach.

“No mom.”

“Good. Do you know why she’s here?”

“To ask questions like cops do?” she frowns at me.

“Yes, only, She’s a bad cop.” my eyebrow shoots up into my hairline. “She is? She seems nice.”

“Well, she is. Do you know what she’s here to do?”

“Get information?” I ask. I’m looking at her blue eyes. I don’t like the way they look. We are nose to nose.

“She’s going to do more than that. She’s going to do something to you.”

“I’m sure it’s not bad.”

“It is.” I’m staring at her face, so old yet so young with blond hair that makes her look twenty. I also notice that she has no wrinkles either. How odd.

“What’s she going to do?” I ask scared. “Is she going to hurt me?”

“No, She’s going to take you away from home, and She’s going to put you in a place, and you will never have a home again. You will never see me again, or your sister again. “I gape at her when she says sister. I don’t want to leave her. Again, her eyes do something I do not like. They seem… happy…? What did they do? Light, Why?

“I don’t want to leave sissy!” I almost scream.

“Ok, then you got to help mom ok, do you want to do that? We should all stick together as a family. Do you want to stay with us?” of course I did. I loved my sister. This is the thirtieth time she had to tell me this. She wants us to live together, in a home. I don’t want to have no home. I would be scared.

“Ok. I’ll help. I want to stay.”

“Ok, don’t tell her what I did to you last night. Lie, ok?”

“Ok. I will, but you hurt Me.” her eyes change again. They do something, what are they doing. She hugs me.

“I know, but it’s all over now, that will never happen to you again. I’m so sorry.”

“Do you promise?” I ask her, my face in her hair. She rocks me and coos me as though she loved me. When we pull away I look into her glinting happy eyes. She has just won, and I don’t even know it.

“Ok mom, I will help you”

“Good.” She says, and I can tell that her voice has some sort of lift to it, like someone is playing with her voice box, and he's just doing it to make her talk weird. Her voice goes higher as if she's so happy that I did what she asked of me, that she can't even believe it. I stand up and walk out of the room feeling my mom’s cold blue eyes on the back of my brainwashed neck.

I come outside to see the social worker talking on something. I do not see what it is because I am too far away to see, but my ears pick up what she says. In about one week I forget it anyway, so I try and not dwell on it.

“Did you make your bed?”

“Yeah, I did make it. My mom also helped.” I tell her not looking away. I want to meet her gaze, but I do not have enough sight to do that. She sits beside me on the steps. I gaze up at her with her pen ready to jot notes, and her board on her lap. She clears her throat. Her voice goes all low and soft as though she were telling me a deep dark secret.

“Ok, I need to know a few things about the way you live. Particularly how your mom lives, ok? Can you help me?” she wanted to interrogate me, to try and get info from me so she can whisk me away, then leave me on the streets. Well, that was not going to happen, not if I had anything to do with it. My siblings and I would stay together, and I would stay off the streets even if I had to lie, kill, steal food, my siblings and I would always be together no matter what. I was not going to leave them.

“Yes.” I say the hugest smile on my face you will ever see. The smile that means I am about to mess with someone's mind.

“Ok. Let’s get started. What’s your mom like?” this question is simple. I manipulate her easily.

“My mom is like any other. She works, and she comes home. I don’t think you have anything to report there. As far as her job goes, she is a plant store manager she works at a place called loops. That’s in Jacksonville.” Her head snaps in my direction, and she's jotting like mad on the note pad. I wonder what she's writing.

“What about after you get off of school, what’s she like?”

“Well,” I say with a huge grin. “Contemplate how you would feel after coming home from work. You would be tired correct? In fact, my guess is that you are mostly tired during the day because your voice is thin, and faint.” She blinks double takes from me to the pad in her lap. She's never been manipulated by a kid before.

“We’re not talking about me, we’re talking about you.” I can't help but smile at her. She's so comical, and shocked. Training never prepared her to be manipulated by a mere kid.

“Honestly, I think we were just talking about you, what’s the harm in that? I see none, I mean you’re so nice and all I just want to get to know you better. I see no harm in that.”

“Yes dear, but I would like to know more about your mother.”

“o. I completely understand that, but why don’t we talk about you for a few minutes?” by this time she is making furious notes on her pad, double taking from me to the pad in her shaking hand.

“I don’t think so.”

“You don’t, seriously? What’s the matter? Do you have something to hide from me?” she didn’t like what I was doing at all. I could tell that in every syllable she uttered within the next sentence was tinted with impatience.

“You’re avoiding my questions young man. Is there a reason?”

“No. not at all I don't know what you are talking about, I just would like to get acquainted.” She's on to me, on to what I am doing. I think of another way I could mess with her. “I just want to know how long you have been working for child services.” She seems to be taken aback by the question; she was just in utter shock that I would ask something as trivial as that.

“I'm actually new here.” I smile to myself. That means she did not have time to go back and look at records of previous calls and complaints about my mom. I look at her for the longest time, then thrust my head down into my hands, and pretend to sob.

“Oh all right, all right! I just can't take it anymore! All the lies and all the secrets! I just can't hold it in anymore!” I keep my face within my hands to hide the absence of tears on my face/ she jumps on this like some life raft that had just magically been tossed out to her at sea. She scoots closer to me.

“Yes. What is it? Tell me, just tell me. It's all going to be okay. We can get this all cleared up. Just tell me what’s wrong.

“Okay.” I say my voice somewhat muffled. “I…” I take a huge long pause.

“Yes?” she probes.

“Got a B in gym, when I usually get A’s!” she did not like that at all, but I go on.

“Don’t tell mom. I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry! I failed all!” she however was not listening to me anymore.

“I think I am all done here. I think I will go now.” She stands up, and starts to head to the car, a blue one, with no markings on it at all. When she leaves, I stand there and watch her retreat into the distance. I keep smiling. I don't know what else to do. Should I celebrate? I mean, I just now saved us all from being casted out on to the streets. I'm just so happy! There is something else I am also, but I am not sure what that is, or why I am having tow feelings. Why? That's the main question I ask myself as I stop and try to ponder what it is. It's in the bit of my stomach, so perhaps I have to go to the toilet. I don't know. I just stand there feeling good and like the worst crap ever. I didn’t stand up for a friend of mine, Donald Buie, in class after all, so perhaps I was feeling guilt about that? No. I don’t think that was it. If that indeed were it, why am I feeling this feeling now, after she left the house? I should have felt this guilt when I walked in the house… looking up at the blue sky, wanting so bad to go to school again and see Donald so bad. He didn’t laugh at my limp, or my stutter. In fact, as I stare at the sky, I wonder if he even knows I have a limp. Does he also know that I get cuts at night, and get beaten unconscious day after day when my mom comes home? I think about telling him. I seriously do, but what would be the point. He wouldn’t help me. Slowly looking down at my shaking hands, not even sure why I feel like I just sealed my fate to endless hell, I turn mechanically to go into the house. My mom is standing by the doorway. I pass by her on my way to my room, and I look at her. Her face is one I will never ever forget. The look on her face will be etched within my memory banks forever. Her mouth is wide, and her teeth are showing, her eyes are wide also. As I close the door to my room, my mom is watching me go still with a huge, taught, open, evil smile on her mask of a face.

Part 2…

Coming out of these memories my mind kept conjuring up I remembered where I was and why I was there. I would often retreat into memories for the sole purpose of escaping something, but now, here at this moment they were having accords of their own. I was reliving negative memories and not positive ones like I would usually do. Why was I doing this? I didn’t even know. I also didn’t expect to understand why. It seemed a million questions kept bombarding me, and my own subconscious and they were just too much for my mind to handle. I at last came to a sudden realization that I never had before. I lived within myself too much. I was so into my own thoughts, dreams, and emotions, I didn’t hang out in the real world a lot. Back in elementary school I was never the social light bulb. I usually waited for people to come to me before I talked with or to them. As I was within my own flashback reliving my earlier years, my mom had come into Kevin’s house. I suddenly had the dumbest idea I could ever in my life have. I was going to tell her that I was going to move out. I had no absolute reason why I wanted to tell her. The only thing I could sort of come up with was that I just wanted to slap her in the face, to kind of say “yeah, I am moving out so what?” I guess some part of me wanted to see just how she would react to the news. I could hear her voice in the kitchen along with Kevin and a few friends. I walked slowly and cautiously into the noise infested cramped space. Who I saw first was my mom, who was my height with blond hair, and wearing a blue shirt with jeans. She was smiling at someone standing next to her. I took a step into the cramped space, and when she saw me she moved closer.

“Hey. I hear you want to move out?” I didn’t answer. I stood there, looking at her with so much hatred plaster upon my shy face it didn’t even feel like I was my own being. I'm not sure what the look I gave her was, but I did know one thing. It didn’t feel like me.

“Well, answer me.” My mom has always taken control of my life. Whatever she asked, I did. I could never ever say no, no matter how much I wanted to. I think that's why I disobeyed my own wishes, and fulfilled hers at the same time. She still had control over me.

“Yeah, I want to move out, and I am.” Her face grew angry, and her voice cut through the air like a sharp knife in someone's gut.

“No, your not, do you understand me?” I stood my ground, getting even more scared as I talked however.

“Yes I am, I'm moving in with Genny and her mom.”

“No your not, I don’t even know this woman!” she was going to play that card?

“You don’t have to.” I spat. I suddenly noticed without even meaning to that the whole place was dead silent, like the inside of a long forgotten building. I looked for Kevin, and he was slightly to my right. It was him who told her the news, since he is the only one I confided in actually. I didn’t understand however, why he told her. Why did he tell her? What he hoping to gain? Peace? Was he hoping to avoid some huge war, or was he in fact trying to be both good guy and bad guy at the same time? I didn’t understand any of it. I turned and went back to my computer chair and sat down in the chair, and looked toward the kitchen.

“Oh, and I'm changing the check in my name.” she knew I was talking about my social security, and this she was not informed of. She stormed in the room, looming over me like the twin towers. She glared down at me, with a sneer in her voice.

“No you’re fucking not!” I still faced her.

“Yes I am. I already set up the meeting.”

“You’re not doing this Robert!”

“It’s already been done. The meeting is all set up.”

“You stupid fuck! You stupid fuck!” she laughed so hard she shook. I do have to admit, my mom was pretty. I saw why so many boys fell under her spell, and I know saw also how evil she was.

“You fucking bitch! What are you going to do? Get a god damn apartment? You can't even fucking button a shirt! You can't tie a god damn shoe, how the hell are you going to survive? I take care of you-“I cut her off.

“No, I'm moving in with Genny and her mom-“

“People I don’t even fucking know! You dumb fuck! You don’t even know these people!”

“Yeah I do. I do know these people”

“Fuck you Robert you ungrateful bitch! You know when you do this I can get it anymore right?” I cut her off again anger flaring within me like some massive dragon awakening from a long deep sleep.

“That’s the idea, bitch!” she stumbled back, and stared at me.

“your killing your sister and brother you know, that money goes to feeding them, when your all in your fucking little fancy house in your fucking fancy room on your damn computer we will be on the streets, I will be on the streets! You ass hole! The whole worlds not on that damn computer.” She laughed as if trying to find some weakness within me.

“You can't even button your fucking shirt! Ass! Hope you like seeing your sister on the fucking-“

“Shut up.” I said slowly and softly. She did so, and then started again at rapid fire speed.

“You know, I'm going to declare you incompetent: I admit that threw me for a loop. That was a complete utter shock to me. She wouldn’t do that would she? She wouldn’t even dream of doing that would she. Seeing my shocked face, she smiled at me, and this one was one of pure joy.

“Try it, and I will declare you mentally incompetent, and I will win, because you can't even fucking cook, or tie a fucking shoe, or a shirt! I will win.” She turned, and stomped out of the living room into the kitchen, and then she started on Kevin.

“This is your entire fucking fault! You brainwashed him, feeding him all these lies, you encouraged this didn’t you??” she was screaming, yet Kevin’s calm voice somehow made me feel even crappier.

“No. I didn’t.”

“Fuck you Kevin!” what the fuck id he going to do about school? Dumb fuck, she spins and marched towards me once more.

“You fucking don’t care about your damn education! Fucking dumb shit! The whole worlds not going to be on that damn computer or in a book you know Ass hole? Say goodbye to your fucking siblings!” she spun once more and headed to the front door. I looked after her as I followed her. As I approached, she was well outside.

“Barbra.” She stopped, and turned to me, her blond hair like a mini spot light on the top of her round head. She, standing there in the driveway, and me in the door somehow had some kind of energy in the world, like the two of us was conducting all this energy into the world itself. She also looked small, standing there. Even though she was my mom, and I always listened to her for so many frightful years, I felt like I needed to send a message to her, I felt like this was the perfect time to deliver a drastic message that she would receive clearly.

“Where will we end up?” she bawled in obvious utter desperation.

“Get a job.” I bellowed back.

“You’re a dumb fuck Robert!” she yelled at me. Taking this chance, with the bright sun casting a spot light directly upon the two of us, and me not even knowing what came over me, I turned slowly away from her going into the house not even uttering one word. As I did that, my hand shot up, and my middle finger pointed directly at the sky overhead it was saying one single message, a message that she received quite clearly. As the door closed, the last thing I knew my mom saw, was my middle finger pointed up at the bright blue cloudless sky, and my smile that was plastered upon my cold, uncaring face.