The Circulation of my Brain

Just write is the advice I get when I’m seeking solutions to writer’s block. Just write and never look back; forget spell check, forget cliche-ness and forget spindling masterpieces. And you know what? This advice doesn’t work, not one bit. The reason being I end up over thinking the simplicity of just writing and retract on my sentences to check for complex sentence structures.

Ever since my first year of high school (maybe even prior to that) I envisioned myself becoming a print journalist for a mainstream sex talk magazine like Cosmopolitan. I would live my life in simulation of Carrie Bradshaw and I will spindle high end editorial feature stories about sex and people. I would never write about my adventures-unless I could write them under a pseudonym-because god forbids my parents ever read about my future sexual adventures. Every twenty-six year old that dreams of living in the city and sipping tall glasses of cosmos will anticipate my monthly beat and eagerly run to the local newsstand to read my columns. She will relate to it deeply and then run to the nearest payphone (or y’know her cell phone) and discuss in detail with her co-dreamer BFF how to apply my wisdom of men, sex and people to her own misfortunes in dating. And I’d feel fucking brilliant.

But now, recent events have made me doubt my own dreams and question the chance of success. What if I come out of school with a Bjourn and no job? What if I’m not good enough? What if I get shitty pay? What if I have to continue living in suburbia with my parents because I have a shitty pay? And worst of all, what if writer’s block is a permanent disease?

All these concerns are very stress inducing and have me begging to experience eustress (a term I primarily learned about in Careers class). Eustress (the good kind of stress) producing activities can be eating chocolate (not for you fellas on weight control), going on a rollercoaster (Wonderland is closed for the winter) and participating in sexual activities. The form of eustress that I’m desperately craving correlates with sexual activities. The demand every horny fifteen year old girl craves repeatedly interrupts my thought process on a daily basis; the want and need, if vocalized will sound like this: I want a boyfriend.

It is simply said but not quite on the easy route when making plans to make that vocalization an action based reality. I dream of a devastatingly beautiful moy-man + boy-(but not so beautiful that it interferes with my insecurities) with a husky deep voice and a knack for shooting intense genital-watering gazes. The thought of such a moy excites me beyond recognition and transforms me into million in a million boy-crazy girls. My reasoning is, if I have a boyfriend, endorphins will be released into whichever-stream, which will then promote eustress, which will alleviate writer’s block; thus, inspire me to write more stories and finally, cause me to have more confidence and follow my natural path as a dreamer to a doer. Then, voila-international success as a print journalist.

I’m aware that my reasoning sounds very co-dependant, may cause a few (okay, a lot) eye rolls and high power feminists will be disgusted with me. But here are a few facts:

I am a girl

I have urges

I wanna be successful

I don’t wanna end up a broke single 35-year old being questioned and lectured about my failure by my parents

I also, don’t want to end up a bitter, dried up old fruit watching her former high school friends laughing boisterously about their long-tailed adventures to success on Slice television.

Although the reasons I provided may not be justifiable and a cheeky-tongue feminist can list countless alternatives to assist these facts, this is what I want and as many media forms, school lessons and my parents have told me, if you want something bad enough, you have to use the IDEAL decision model (ha-ha jokes-but it’s actually true). Actually, you should work hard and make an executable plan to reach your objective that satisfies all parties involved. And this full proof plan satisfies a lot of people; number one being myself (humans were born to be narcissistic), my boyfriend(s)-I mean who wouldn’t wanna participate in an under the sheets touching (above the waistline) game with yours truly? Most of all, it satisfies the success-starved females that will read my columns on a monthly basis.

I’ve decided that if I want something, I have to take the initiative and seize every opportunity I can to get my heart’s most desire. So, this is my formula for life, using XYZ statements:

To get X, I will do Y and never give up Z.

Let’s fill in the variables shall we: to get a boyfriend, [X] I will flirt tastefully with hot guys [Y] and never give up my true core personality [Z].