A/N: You know what. I really just want to thank you all for sticking with this story. It’s utter crap, but you guys still stick around for it. Thanks. :)

TO LOVE A LOSER

THE EIGHTEENTH LOSS

After dropping Jackie off at her house, Oliver returned home to find Felix’s car parked along his driveway and Felix sitting on the marble porch steps. Oliver didn’t try to make any eye contact with Felix as he got out of his car and pocketed his keys, and only looked up at him when he stopped in front of the steps.

Felix’s dark eyes met him, waiting for him to say something. Oliver quickly looked down at his shoes. “Let’s… talk in the back.”

He started walking toward their backyard. Felix picked himself up and followed Oliver to the back of the house, stopping when they got to the veranda and when Oliver turned around. They both looked at each other, familiar with the scene, tired of going through it again, waiting for the other to start it. Oliver sighed and turned his head away, one hand running through his hair as he faced the yard.

During his drive back home he had decided to end… whatever he and Felix had. He was aware of what kind of feelings Felix had for him, but he decided it was the best way to go. Oliver was fully aware that he was a complete asshole. But the sick sense of triumph he got from seeing Felix visibly crushed at the sight of Jackie only lasted for a short time until the guilt sunk in. The fact was Felix deserved someone better. He deserved someone who wasn’t going to fuck him three ways to Sunday at one moment and hate being around him the next, and if doing the whole ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ thing was what it was gonna take, then Oliver would do it.

The thing was, Oliver knew he had to break things off – but to be honest with himself, a part of him didn’t want to. He knew it was the logical thing to do because he’d only end up hurting himself and Felix more and more if he kept… whatever they had going – so it was best to cut things off right away. But at the same time, he knew what he was going to lose. Not including the times Oliver reverted to his asshole self, he actually liked arguing with Felix on what movie to watch only to watch Star Wars again in the end. Despite the fact he hated cheesy stuff, he didn’t mind anymore whenever he’d wake up to find Felix’s arm draped over his chest, their legs tangled beneath the sheets, with Felix’s warm breath brushing against the crook of his neck and shoulder. Ultimately, even if they weren’t having sex, Oliver liked having Felix as the best friend who’d laugh with him about some stupid random thing he saw that day.

Oliver knew it wasn’t just their quasi-relationship-thing that he was going to break off. Their friendship was going to end with it too… as dramatic as it sounded.

Maybe if he was a different person; maybe if he was someone else who didn’t have the emotional baggage of self-loathing and jealousy – maybe he and Felix would have… well, maybe things wouldn’t have to end.

“Oliver.”

He looked up at the sound of Felix’s voice. “Um… yeah,” he started slowly, clearing his throat as he looked away. “We… we need – “

“ – To talk,” Felix finished automatically for him, nodding slowly. He turned away from Oliver for a moment to face the yard, as if fixing his composure and readying himself for what was to transpire.

When Felix turned back to face him, Oliver straightened himself up against the wall. “We… we need to end this,” he said. Seconds after, when Felix still hadn’t said anything, Oliver started wondering if he had started properly, if he had chosen the right words. He had never broken up with anyone before because he had never gone past a night with someone, so despite the fact he had been in more beds than a department store could sell, he was still new with the whole break-up thing.

Felix swallowed, and turned his face to the side. “I… had a feeling,” he replied.

Oliver bit his lip. “This… this just isn’t going to work out.”

Suddenly, Felix laughed; a short, emotionless laugh as he ran a hand through his hair. “I should have gotten the hint at the hotel,” he said, his voice breaking around the edges of his words. “When you found out I was the more ‘emotionally invested one’… and… when you said you didn’t know what you were feeling.”

Oliver looked down at his shoes. “I’m sorry – “

“Why?”

He looked back up, caught off guard to find Felix facing him, to see the emotion stirring behind his eyes. “Did I do something wrong?” Felix asked, his voice cracking even more. “God, I don’t want to sound like some pathetic loser… but did I? Did I go too fast? Did I pressure you – “

“No, no, none of it was your fault,” Oliver said hurriedly, shaking his head. Oliver hands closed into fists at his sides. He was furious at himself for having to let Felix go through this. None of it was Felix’s fault.

“Then why?” Felix continued, his breath ragged. “I thought… I thought we – “

“Felix,” Oliver said, lifting his head back up as he convinced himself he was doing the right thing. “I don’t… I’m not… You deserve someone else – “

“I don’t want anyone else!”

Oliver froze, his eyes meeting Felix’s. Felix wasn’t even looking away or backing down after his statement. Oliver wondered exactly what he had done to make Felix… feel that way toward him. As far as he knew, he was a selfish, hypocrital douche bag who couldn’t form a proper relationship because he had a serious case of self-loathing and oh, yeah, he slept around too much. He swore and cursed more than necessary, he drank too much, and he didn’t care for academics as much as he knew he should. Did he possess amazing, Mother Teresa-like qualities that he wasn’t aware of?

Oliver shook his head. “Just… I mean, you can do it, I mean, you moved on after Alain – “

“But you’re different from Alain!” Felix cut in, his voice hoarse. “I thought… I thought it was obvious. Did you really need me to say it out loud?”

Oliver swallowed. He needed to say something. He looked away from Felix and focused on one of his mother’s potted plants. “I… I just can’t handle this anymore,” he finally said.

Felix stiffened. “This…?” he asked, his voice falling.

Oliver bit his lip and tried to look calm despite the panic rising in him. Fuck. He didn’t know what to say next. Was he gonna finally go all out? Was he gonna say everything? He glanced at Felix, who was waiting for him to continue. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“The whole…” He paused. “Gay thing,” he lied, and winced slightly at his own words.

Felix visibly flinched. It was like he had braced himself for the possibility of the answer… but he still couldn’t mask his emotion when he heard it. He swallowed. “… Gay thing,” he repeated numbly.

Oliver rubbed his hand over his arm, not wanting to make any eye contact with Felix. “I… I thought I’d be okay with it, but…” He swallowed nervously and still kept his head down. “It’s… it’s just not for me. I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it – but, uhh… it’s just… not for me… sorry.”

“… Is that why you went out with that girl? Jackie?”

Oliver looked up at him. He had forgotten all about Jackie and he never thought Felix actually believed he had called her for a booty call. “N-no! I only called her to talk – “

“So, what? That’s the reason? You just don’t ‘feel’ like it anymore?” Felix asked, his voice rising and his eyes hard. His hands shook at his sides. “I’m not some fucking toy that you just drop if you don’t feel like playing with it anymore!”

Clearly, he had chosen the wrong direction. Oliver swore under his breath as he looked away. “Felix…”

Suddenly, Felix moved toward him. They were both at around the same height, so Oliver was caught off guard when Felix grabbed onto to the collar of his polo and pushed him back against the brick wall of his house. “Felix – “ Oliver began.

But he was cut off by Felix’s lips crashing onto his. It was a hard, teeth-clashing, bruising kiss, fueled by anger, lust, confusion, desire, desperation, and a whole lot of other things. Despite the fact he knew he should make an attempt to push Felix away, another part of his mind told him this was probably the last time he’d ever get to kiss Felix. Oliver parted his lips, taking Felix’s hot tongue in his mouth. His hands moved up Felix’s back, one hand setting behind Felix’s waist and the other behind his head, tugging his hair. Felix gave out a small gasp that was quickly smothered by Oliver’s lips as Oliver took control of the kiss, tilting Felix’s head back until he was moaning, arching his back and pressing himself close to Oliver’s body.

It was only when a dog a few lots away started barking when Oliver remembered that he was supposed to be breaking up with Felix, not making out with him in his backyard. He closed his eyes and swore in his mind before pulling back, only to stop when Felix bit on his lower lip, tugging him back. He pulled his head away and winced slightly when his lip snapped back, and when he looked down, he saw the defeated look in Felix’s eyes as they both fixed themselves.

Oliver looked away as Felix stared at him. “I know it’s not the gay thing,” Felix said, his breath shaky.

No, it most definitely wasn’t.

“Felix… just go, please.” Oliver said, keeping his eyes on the ground.

Felix stayed where he was. “No.”

Oliver took a deep breath and met Felix’s eyes. “That was a mistake – “

“Oh, another mistake! Like hell it was!”

“I just don’t want to see you anymore!”

Felix stared at him, the determined look on his face breaking away by the obvious hurt in his eyes. He bit his kiss-swollen lips took a deep breath. “I… I want an explanation first.”

Oliver’s eyes were fixed on his shoes. “I… fuck, I sound so fucking lame,” Oliver breathed as he thought of some other lie. “I… well, I can’t have a relationship with anyone. It’s just not… in me.”

When Felix still didn’t say anything, Oliver shifted his weight from one foot to the other. “The whole… commitment thing,” he continued. “I can’t… it’s just something I can’t do.”

Felix set his hand on his hips and turned his head to the side. For the longest time, he didn’t say anything until he bit his lip. “Your commitment issues… of course.”

To be honest with himself, Oliver didn’t think he had commitment issues. He had never actually tried to make any commitments in the first place – but then again, maybe that was a big symptom. Maybe he was just in denial. Then he wondered if it really was that obvious for Felix to look so resigned.

“There’s something else, isn’t there?”

Oliver looked up at him. “What…?”

“I’m not an idiot, Oliver,” Felix said, turning his head away from Oliver, keeping his eyes away from Oliver’s view. “I know you have commitment issues… but there’s obviously something else.”

“Felix,” Oliver said, stepping closer. “It’s not… it’s not your fault or anything.”

Felix stepped away from him and shook his head. It looked like he was too tired now to put up any sort of fight. “I just figured…” he trailed off. “You’d make an exception… because it’s me.”

Emotion stirred in Oliver’s gut, and he almost wanted to tell Felix everything he said was just a lie.

Felix gave out a short laugh. “Obviously, I thought wrong.”

“Felix – “

He held up a hand to stop him. “Thanks for the explanation.”

Without another word, Felix turned around to leave the veranda. Oliver watched him go, and even though he told himself he had done the right thing, every part of him told him it wasn’t.

The weekend, like Oliver had expected, drifted by slowly, but soon enough, he was back in school.

“Dear, God,” Winnie said, sliding into the seat beside Oliver. “I don’t hang out with you for a couple of weeks – and you manage to fuck things up already!”

It was Literature and Oliver was sitting at his usual place in the back. He glanced at Winnie and scowled. “Don’t you usually sit in front?”

“Yeah, I do,” Winnie said, leaning back on the seat. “But today is a special day.”

She was just about to go on more when Felix stepped inside the classroom. He made his way to his seat at front, and paused for a bit when he realized Winnie wasn’t there. Maybe out of habit, he looked back to where Oliver was sitting. At least Oliver made an attempt to look away and pretend he wasn’t watching him, but of course, Winnie had the gall to wave back.

Oliver glared at her. “Put the hand down, woman.”

She followed his request and turned to him with a cheeky smile on her face. “So, what is this? A lover’s tiff? Or is everything really over?”

Oliver fiddled with the spirals on his notebook. “It’s over,” he answered.

“Really?”

“Really.”

Winnie’s eyes widened. “No way.”

He cleared his throat. “Yeah.”

“Without my help?”

Oliver shrugged, turning his head toward the window. “I guess so.”

It was a while before Winnie said anything else. She drummed her fingers against the desk and looked like she was in thought. “Well, how do you feel? Pure-fantastic-happiness?”

“I…” Oliver trailed off. “Well, it’s the first time I’ve ever broken up with anyone… so, I don’t know.”

Winnie scoffed. “What do you mean, ‘I don’t know’?” she asked, waving a hand in the air. “It’s either you’re jumping for joy or you’re totally regretting it.”

Oliver looked down at his desk. “… He is – was, my best friend, Winnie,” he said, his voice dropping to almost a whisper before he could control himself. “I… I don’t think I’ll ever get that back.”

“Well, you should have known there was a possibility that this was gonna happen before you decided to sleep with him.”

“Thank you, Captain Obvious.”

Winnie rolled her eyes. “Men. God gave you two heads, but of course, you end up using the wrong one.”

Oliver shrugged. “We’re pigs.”

She chuckled. “Well… isn’t this what you wanted?” she asked, tilting her head to the side. “I mean, not being condescending or anything… but now that you two are officially not bonking each other and not BFFs anymore, you could be proper arch-nemesis…is… now.”

Oliver gave out a short laugh. “Doesn’t feel that great.”

Winnie’s eyes widened once more, but this was a different kind of widened compared to the ‘Holy-shit-you’re-kidding-me’-widening when Oliver told her what he had with Felix was over. No, her eyes widened in the ‘I-just-realized-something-and-you’re-totally-fucked’-kind of way. Deciding against saying anything, Winnie shut her mouth and faced forward as the teacher walked inside the classroom. Oliver picked up his notebook from his bag and sighed. He had a feeling he knew what she was thinking about.

The day rolled by, and as expected, the two of them didn’t say a word to each other. When practice was over, Oliver watched as Felix picked up his gear and headed for the gym exits.

“Hey, Felix!” Jack called out beside Oliver. “You’re leaving your stuff in the lockers?”

Felix turned to face Jack and Oliver made sure to look away. “I dropped my stuff in my car,” he said, forcing an easy smile. “See you tomorrow.”

“Ah, okay, see ya,” Jack said, giving him a small wave as he turned back to Oliver. When Felix was out of hearing distance he raised his eyebrow. “Dude, did you guys break off your bromance or something?” he asked, laughing as he set his mask under his arm.

Oliver practically choked on his own saliva at the statement. “Uh, w-what?” he asked, turning toward Jack.

Jack raised an eyebrow. “I mean, you guys have fought a ton of times before, but… this one seems pretty big.”

Oliver laughed weakly. “Oh, yeah, this is a big one.”

“Jeez,” Jack muttered, shaking his head. He pushed the locker doors open and he laughed. “You guys fight a whole lot more than me and my girlfriend. And we’ve been together for years.”

Oliver scowled. “Well… that’s the way it is,” he mumbled as they took their seats on the benches.

Jack shrugged. “Hmm… how’s Felix taking it?”

“Um, I don’t know.”

“Sucks.” Jack frowned as he zipped his bag closed. “Without you, Felix doesn’t really have… you know, anyone else. To talk to, and stuff.”

“What are you talking about?” Oliver sat back on the bench and stuffed his towel in his bag. “He’s got the guys in the team, you, Jer, and a whole lot of girls who’re just lining up to talk to him.”

Jeremy frowned. “Well, you’re right about that, but…”

Oliver looked up at him. “What?”

“Felix…” Jeremy paused, looking a bit uncomfortable in having to explain himself, like he had expected Oliver to know what he was talking about. “Well, Felix doesn’t really hang around with a ton of people because…you know, Felix doesn’t really talk… much? Remember? He’s cool, but he’s… uh… hard to get to know the first time you talk to him.”

“Well, you guys are close, right?”

“Yeah, I mean, Felix and I are close, but we’re not… uh, you and me close, you know?” Jack looked at him with a pained expression on his face. “It took a while for Felix and I to start having conversations, you know what I mean? It’s just the way the guy is. He doesn’t talk much.” Jack paused and glared at Oliver. “Come on, tell me you got that. I’m a dude. We weren’t made to talk about our feelings and relationships and shit.”

Oliver laughed. “Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

He stuffed his shoes in his duffel bag and didn’t say anything for a while after that. He got what Jack was saying, but it didn’t really… sink in. He was having a hard time believing it because… well, it really didn’t make any sense to him. Whenever Felix had one of his matches, regardless if they were competing in another school or another country, flocks of people would come over just to watch him and cheer for him. When they used to go to parties together, Felix had no problem getting the attention of over half the girls in the room.

“Hey, dude, let’s go,” Jack said, standing up and slinging his bag over his shoulder. “It’s late. My mom wants me home for dinner.”

“Alright,” Oliver muttered, getting up too.

As they walked to Oliver’s car, Jack clapped his shoulder. “Dude. Fix whatever’s happening between the two of you.”

Oliver just gave him a weak smile. He didn’t say much during the entire ride. His entire conversation with Jack, while it helped calm him just a bit to unload on someone, only solidified his thoughts that while Felix had always considered him as his best friend and Oliver felt the same toward him… there was so much he didn’t know.

A/N: On a totally unrelated note, I dropped by my friends’ house while she was finishing her Interview with the Vampire: Vampire Chronicles DVD. You know, Halloween and all – and well, had never seen the movie before, so it was the first time for me to see the ending – but GOSH DAMN, Tom Cruise was ‘effing gorgeous. Like, seriously. I couldn’t stop staring at him to the point I begged my friend to replay the scene, haha! No wonder everyone’s so into vampires, hahaha!

Regarding the story – no, that won't be the last fight these two will be having. Like I said before, the trouble with writing a story and releasing it per chapter is that many things that don't make sense/feel incomplete at the moment will (hopefully) be touched upon in later chapters. So don't fret! Leave that to me and a bottle of Bacardi! Haha, rhymes. :P

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