“Do you wanna go to a gig tonight?” Fay asked me a couple of days after I got back.

I glanced up at him, tearing my eyes away from my battered copy of Catcher In The Rye. I’d been at a loss since I got back - I accepted that I needed to move on, and I was trying to. I knew that my time with Kian was over and as much as I missed him, I knew I’d made the right decision.

But I didn’t exactly feel like painting the town red.

“I dunno, Fay…”

“Awh, come on,” he pouted. “We could take Celeste, she’s been dying to see this band.”

“She has?”

“Yeah, totally. I introduced her to a couple of the members while you were away, she has a total crush,” he said with a knowing smile.

“She’s a bit young to have a crush, isn’t she?” I asked, frowning.

“Not really,” Fay replied, shrugging. “Do you know, Dave realised he was gay when he was six?”

“Huh,” I said - I hadn’t known that. Fay’s full of weird little facts like that, it’s kinda endearing. “Will the gig be rough?”

“No, I can call ahead and books us a booth,” he assured me.

“Yeah, I’m in,” I agreed. “It’ll be good to get out.”

So that night, I went up to Celeste’s room to help her get ready. She was already dressed in a cute tartan skirt that Aaron had sent for her, black tights and red Converse. She’d put on her Ramones tee shirt and was braiding ribbons in her long dark hair as I entered.

“Hey sweetheart.”

“Hi Daddy,” she smiled. “How do I look?”

“Very cute,” I replied.

She seemed so grown up, even though I still thought of her as my baby. Celeste was a bright, bubbly and sensible young girl. I felt a pang in my chest - I had missed most of her childhood while I was out chasing my own foolish heart.

“Thanks! Are you excited for the show?”

“Sure baby, are you?”

“I’m so excited Daddy! I love rock shows. I want to be a guitarist just like you when I grow up.”

I smiled at that, reaching over to tie her shoes. She patted the top of my head and threw her arms around my neck when I sat back up.

“I’m glad you’re back,” she told me. I wrapped my arms around her and hugged her as tight as I could. The love I felt for her was enough to make me feel better, whole almost. I knew in that moment that Celeste was all I needed to survive. She’d given my life a direction.

“I’m glad to be back,” I said, swinging her up into my arms.

We all piled into my Cadillac and I followed Fay’s directions to the club where the show was taking place.

“Are you sure we’ll be allowed to bring Celeste in?” I asked as I parked the car.

“Yes. It’s an all ages show and besides, I know the band,” Fay said, smiling widely.

The door man looked like he could break us all in half in the time it would take Fay to bat his eyelashes. He grinned warmly at Fay, resting a meaty hand on his slender shoulder.

“Mr Adams, it’s good to see you!”

“Thanks, Sammy, how are ya?” Fay responded easily, settling into casual conversation with a man three times his size.

“Same old, excited about this gig tonight. These kids are pretty good.”

“So I hear,” Fay replied, nodding. “Is it cool if we bring Celeste in?”

“Course it is, just don’t take her up to the bar,” Sammy replied, chuckling.

“Have a good one,” Fay said before leading us inside.

The club was small and packed. Adam and Michael were already in a booth, talking quietly. We all slid in and I tried to avoid Adam’s curious gaze.

“Are you ok, Matt?” He asked, leaning in to hear my reply.

“Yeah, I’m alright,” I shrugged, trying to appear at ease. I wasn’t ready to talk about it.

“Is he ok?” Adam’s golden gaze darkened, and I knew it wasn’t due to fear for his label’s newest star - he cared deeply for Kian.

“I don’t know,” I confessed. “He seemed ok when I left.”

“I know you did the right thing,” he murmured, his eyes searching mine.

“I hope so,” I sighed. “I need to start again.”

“A fresh start might be just around the corner,” Adam said, smiling softly as the band took to the stage.

Jasper wasn’t nervous, not in the slightest. His jaw, lined with stubble, was set and strong. His band mates were considerably taller than he was, but he didn’t let that bother him. His olive-hued skin glittered in the lights, his fully tattooed arms reaching out to grab the hands of the kids at the front.

His band sounded incredible, their brand of punk both fierce and emotive. I’ve never witnessed a performance with so much energy - and I’ve seen Fay do sets after downing four cans of Red Bull. I couldn’t take my eyes off Jasper as he sang and screamed, flinging himself around the stage. By the time his finished the set, his jaw was bruised and his forehead was cut. He’d burst his lip on the microphone.

I’d never seen someone so beautiful.

---

“I’m going to the airport,” Skylar announced to the darkened room.

Sonny didn’t even raise his head from the pillow. The silk sheets that clung to his frame didn’t move, didn’t whisper. Skylar sat on the edge of the bed.

His lover was lying on his side, his bright eyes wide and wet. He placed his hand on Sonny’s side - even though he was covered by the sheets, Skylar could feel his ribs. Sonny had been wasting away without his brother.

“Do you want to come?”

“No,” Sonny murmured, his words buried in his pillow.

“Baby…” Skylar said with a sigh, lying down and curling his body around Sonny. “He swore he was coming home this time.”

“That’s what he said the first time! And when he left, he swore he’d keep in touch! I’m not going.”

“Why not? Babe, you’ve missed him like crazy, you’ve made yourself ill worrying about him and now he’s finally coming home. Why don’t you want to be there?” Skylar’s words were gentle, but persistent.

“You’ll think it’s stupid.”

“No I won’t,” Skylar promised as he massaged Sonny’s shoulder.

“He’s been through so much and he’s been gone so long,” Sonny breathed, his chest barely rising under Skylar’s fingers. “I’m scared that…he’s not going to be Kian anymore. That he’s going to be cold and bitter…and empty.”

“That’s not stupid,” Skylar said, stroking Sonny’s neck with his long fingers. Sonny worried his bottom lip between his teeth.

“It’s not?”

“No. Kian’s been gone a long time, that’s true. But he’s decided to come home. He loves you - that hasn’t changed.”

---

“My God, you’ve changed,” Skylar gasped, looking Kian up and down. He was taller, leaner. His black hair was longer, it fell around his face.

Kian grinned, nodding. He was accompanied by Ivory, Jonny and two boys Skylar didn’t know. Skylar pulled Kian into a tight hug, overjoyed by the younger boy’s presence.

“Where’s Sonny?” Kian asked, swinging his backpack onto his shoulder as he followed Skylar through the airport.

“He’s…not been well. We went away for a while, didn’t get back till yesterday.”

“What do you mean?” Kian demanded. “Is he ill?”

“No, no. Well, yes, but it’s not…he’s going to be fine.”

“He’s pissed at me, isn’t he?” He asked, frowning softly.

“For running away for five months, hardly keeping in touch and dabbling with drugs? Yeah, of course he is,” Skylar replied with a shrug as they approached the airport doors. “So who are your new friends?”

“Oh right, yeah! This is Oscar Alexander-Wild and this is Tristan Conway. We’re in a band now,” Kian explained, unable to hold back the grin that played around his lips.

“Oscar…you’re Edward and Jay’s son, right?” Skylar asked after shaking hands with the boys.

“I sure am. It’s a pleasure to meet you again,” Oscar replied with one of his dazzling smiles. “Do tell Sonny I said hello.”

“I will. Do you guys need a ride somewhere?”

“No, thank you. Ivory and Jonny are dropping us off,” Oscar said. He hugged Kian briefly before they left.

The drive back to the house was quiet but comfortable. Skylar didn’t lecture Kian, didn’t tell him off for his stupid behaviour. He just drove. Kian could tell he was anxious to get back to Sonny.

He wasn’t scared when he followed Skylar into the home he had abandoned. He knew Sonny was angry but the second he stepped into the foyer, he knew any anger he’d have to face was worth it. He let out a breath he’d been holding for months, and felt his body relax. He was home.

Sonny was waiting upstairs in Kian’s bedroom. A thin layer of dust covered every surface. The room was like a shrine to the life Kian had left behind - the photos of him and Rayden were still in their ornate gold frames, his guitar was still in its stand. His platinum record plaques were still in the closet. It was a shrine to a boy who’d left it all behind, and Kian felt his stomach turn when he realised what it reminded him of - Peter’s bedroom. Sonny’s big brother had died when Sonny was young, but his room remained untouched.

Kian thought his older brother looked so small, sitting on the edge of the giant bed. Just over his narrow shoulder, Kian could see where he had carved Rayden’s initials in the headboard, claiming that Rayden was the only notch his bedpost needed.

“He stopped calling about a month ago,” Sonny murmured. “I don’t know where he is…I don’t know if he’s ok.”

“Sonny, I…”

“Shut up, will you? I don’t want to hear it. I don’t care if you’ve found yourself, alright? It’s time you heard the truth,” he fumed, his eyes glittering. “What you did to Rayden is sickening. He loved you completely. He would have done anything for you. You’ve been surrounded by remarkable men in beautiful relationships so maybe you thought love is easy, that it’s unbreakable. That’s not true. You broke Rayden and he might never be fixed. If you thought, for one second, that you were going to be unfaithful, you should have ended it with him. By cheating on him, you destroyed his confidence and you completely tainted his memories of your relationship. Do you get that?”

“Yes,” Kian whispered.

“And then you didn’t even have the balls to stick it out and earn his forgiveness! Your behaviour was selfish and cowardly. Then I see pictures of you in the tabloids, acting like some little coke whore when you know how badly that drug hurt my relationship with Skylar. I told you about how I nearly lost him, Kian!”

“I’m sorry, God, Sonny, I didn’t even think…”

“Not about anyone but yourself!” Sonny yelled. The anger in his eyes was streaming down his flushed cheeks.

“They said I did wrong by you, that this…was all my fault. I lay in bed every night you were gone, raking over every moment, every time I could have stopped this. The guilt made me sick to my stomach,” he sobbed. He reached for the bedside table, his pale fingertips smearing the dust away to reveal the solid wood underneath.

“I thought I’d lost you too, that you were never coming back. That you were really gone and it was all my fault.”

“Oh, Sonny,” Kian murmured, his own face wet with tears. He pulled his brother into his arms, holding him tight. Sonny was trembling, his skin burned, but he was so sturdy in Kian’s arms, so real.

“I missed you so much,” he cried, flinging his little white arms around Kian’s neck.

“I missed you too, more than anyone. I’m sorry for everything that I put you though,” Kian said. “You’re right, I was a selfish coward, but I left all that in Paris. I want to make a fresh start. None of this was your fault, Sonny. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for you.”

“Ok,” Sonny sniffled, wiping his eyes. “Bitch fit over.”

“Are you alright?” Kian asked. “Skylar said you’ve been ill.”

Sonny smiled at his little brother and despite the tears on his cheeks and the frailty of his figure, he looked radiant.

“I feel much better now.”

---

Rayden knew it was only a matter of time before Kian attempted to contact him. He knew it because as the hours passed, the geographical proximity of his lover weighed down on him, wearing him down. He knew it because sooner or later, he would attempt to contact Kian.

Sonny came to visit, with a large envelope stuffed into his oversized Chanel bag. It was white leather, a gift from France. He was looking better - his hair was styled, his make up flawless.

“You forgave him,” Rayden said as they sat silently on his small balcony. Sonny’s metal plated boots glinted in the afternoon sun.

“He’s my blood. He had my forgiveness before he even asked for it,” Sonny replied, tucking his sunglasses into his hair before handing Rayden the envelope.

“What’s this?”

“Not sure. Kian asked me to bring it over here.”

“He did, did he?” Rayden turned the envelope over in his hands. It was blank and sealed.

“He wanted to come over, but I told him not to,” Sonny confessed. “If this is it for you two…it shouldn’t end with a yelling match. What you had is above all that.”

Sonny stood, placed an affectionate kiss to Rayden’s chaotic blonde hair and left. Rayden took the envelope inside, bypassing the study and settling in the bedroom. The bed sheets were cool against his burning skin.

He tipped the envelope upside down and was showered with paper. Letters - signed and dated, written by Kian while he was gone. He’d completed on average three letters a day. Some were no more than scribbled notes - “saw a boy selling flowers today. He looked like you”. Others were pages full of tear stained ink - “I’m so sorry that the word itself feels redundant. I ache, but I know I deserve it. You don’t, you never did. I want you to move on and be happy but God, I can’t bear the thought of living without you. This isn’t living. This is grey mornings and seeing through cigarette smoke and hiding. I want to come home”.

Among the letters was a small bound book with a blackened corner. Rayden flicked it open and was met with his own face, his memories. It was a scrapbook of photographs, a collection of between classes notes and early morning post-its, littered with post-coital happy faces and love hearts over letters. He was holding a document of their relationship, their time together. Kian had put it in his hands.

His hands shook.

He came across a DVD, labelled simply “Paris”. He put it in the player, folding his arms across his chest to restrict the expansion of his heart when Kian appeared on the screen.

The room was a riot of destruction and the pain on his face was crystal clear. Kian cradled his guitar in his emaciated arms and strummed it softly. His hands left smears of blood on the wood as his played, his voice echoing around Rayden’s room as he filled his head with Kian’s Parisian melancholy.

“Winter here’s cold, and bitter
It’s chilled us to the bone
We haven’t seen the sun for weeks
Too long, too far from home
I feel just like I’m sinking
And I claw for solid ground
I’m pulled down by the undertow
I never thought I could feel so low
Oh darkness, I feel like letting go.
If all of the strength, and all of the courage
Come and lift me from this place
I know I can love you much better than this
Full of grace
Full of grace
My love.”

Kian’s sobs sounded small and desperate, almost like hiccups. Rayden reached for the screen, as if he could reach through the glass of the television and the wall Kian had built between them.

The afternoon sun was slipping away as Rayden gathered his things - cell phone, Ipod, his clothes - and hastily shoved them in a bag. He drummed his fingers against the steering wheel as he navigated the traffic.

Sonny answered the door, his face carefully blank as he invited Rayden inside.

“Where is he?” Rayden asked, his voice low.

“Upstairs.”

He hesitated at Kian’s bedroom door, unsure of whether or not he should knock. He didn’t, reaching down for the door knob and twisting it silently.

Kian had his back to the door, sitting cross legged on his bed with his guitar in his lap. The light from the window cast a wing of shadow that swooped from his shoulder blade to the sheets. He didn’t move as Rayden entered the room, didn’t say a word as he climbed onto the bed behind him.

He exhaled, a shaky breath he’d been holding forever when Rayden pressed a warm, confident kiss to the shadowy indent of his shoulder. The envelope was dropped in his lap as soon as he put his guitar down.

“I want you to burn it,” Rayden whispered as he wrapped his arms around Kian’s waist. “All of it. I want to watch it burn with you.”

“Why?”

“Because that’s out past. We’ll burn it to ashes, then we’ll start again. Together.”

They emptied the contents of the envelope into the small metal trash can. Kian struck a match and was about to drop it among their kindling when Rayden caught his wrist, pulling him in for a fierce kiss that was as brutal as it was beautiful.

The match dropped, the pages cackled, and the fire burned as they did. Music played in the background, an Icelandic band Kian was fond of. The lyrics stoked the flames that danced under their skin as everything they had been was consumed.

I turn my head against the tile
Trying to rewind
Still this moment is real
Breathe once more, just breathe.

I don’t want it all in me
I just don’t want it all
I just want you

All sat together in the sun
Drinking, having fun
Now I sit alone
Oh God, where did the time go?
I’ve been looking since the day you disappeared
I’m still looking for you, my dear

I don’t want it all in me
I just don’t want it all
I just want you
I just want you
I want you

I don’t want it all in me
I just don’t want it all
I just want you
I just want you
I just want you
I just want you.

---

Rayden agreed to visit Kian. They talked in their old bedroom for five and half hours. They were making love - and headlines - by the time the sun came up.

Darkest Before The Dawn signed with Eden Records two days later. They played their first show three days after that.

I stood in the shadows by the side of the stage, watching Kian sing his newly mended heart out. Everything about his performance had improved - he was more comfortable and confident, his voice soared above the adoring screams with ease. For the first time, Kian Martoni was content. That was all I wanted.

Rayden held my hand, pressed a kiss to my cheek. I could only stare at him, dazed. I didn’t have the words. I didn’t need them. I watched him walk onstage to join his lover, my love, and I knew that chapter was finished. The new morning would bring a new start, a new page. We’d all start our stories again.

As the band launched into their emotional cover of Papa Roach’s “Lifeline” (“I’ve been looking for a lifeline, for what seems like a lifetime,” Kian sang, and I knew he meant it), I felt a pair of eyes on me.

Jasper Hart stood in the light cast by one of the overhead lights. His mouth was turned up, his eyes shone with possibility and promise and the light of a new dawn.

He walked away and I followed, out to the parking lot. We sat on the hood of his battered car as “Forever Young” played from his tinny speakers.

Let's dance in style, lets dance for a while
Heaven can wait we're only watching the skies
Hoping for the best but expecting the worst
Are you going to drop the bomb or not?
Let us die young or let us live forever
We don't have the power but we never say never
Sitting in a sandpit, life is a short trip
The music's for the sad men
Can you imagine when this race is won
Turn our golden faces into the sun
Praising our leaders we're getting in tune
The music's played by the madman

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever. forever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever, forever

Some are like water, some are like the heat
Some are a melody and some are the beat
Sooner or later they’ll be gone
Why don't they stay young?
It's hard to get old without a cause
I don't want to perish like a fading horse
Youth is like diamonds in the sun
And diamonds are forever
So many adventures couldn't happen today
So many songs we forgot to play
So many dreams are swinging out of the blue
We let them come true

Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?
Forever. forever
Forever young, I want to be forever young
Do you really want to live forever?

Forever.

Our hands touched as my digital watch beeped, indicating midnight. I curled my fingers around his wrist, holding on as the new day began.

He didn’t pull away.

The End

(Author's Notes: So that's it, guys! I hope you have enjoyed it, I've had a horrible, difficult but thoroughly enjoyable time writing this story. I keep saying at the end of these things that I'm ending the series, so it's time for a new record - I'm not ending the series. The next Matt Harris story "The New Divide" will be appearing here soon! The songs featured in this chapter are "Full of Grace" by Sarah McLachlan, "Breathe" by Sign and "Forever Young" by Alphaville, but I prefer the Youth Group version. I don't have any affiliation with these musicians or the lyrics, was using them for purely artistic purposes!

I've been posting a lot of spoilers and rambles about the new story on my livejournal, my username is dravenvalentine so if you have an lj, look me up, add me, comment me and let me know who you are! I don't get access to my fictionpress personal messages for some reason, so that's probably the easiest way to get in touch with me.

I'd like to thank everyone who helped me along the way with this story - Nikki, who didn't freak out when I told her Matt was in love with Kian, Eddy who has been an inspiration and a beloved confidante for many years now, and Sara, who takes the time to leave me reviews. If you've been reading this without reviewing, please feel free to leave me a review here. I don't get alerts anymore, but I still read every single one.

Till next time,
Draven Valentine)