A/N: A bit of explanation before you begin to read this, if anyone does. In my final year of undergraduate study, I took a course on Learning and Memory. What follows was written for an assignment in which we were to write up our winter break experiences three times over the course of the semester. This was never handed in – I can’t remember whether I wrote it first or if I wrote it afterwards, in an attempt to get over things, but my mother passed away before this phase of the assignment was due. My professor assigned me to write about my summer break instead. I have not touched this document since then, which was written nearly two years ago. I have not edited it now, other than to remove the final section, which stated my views on the political situation at the time. Section 1 was meant to be the break as a whole. Section 2 was supposed to cover a period of hours - up to one day at the most. Section 3 was suppoesd to cover a mere handful of minutes - up to a half hour, I believe. Hence the abrupt switches and section breaks.

Section 1: Break at a Glance

Where to begin, huh? This isn’t a particularly happy paper, since break wasn’t a particularly happy time.. At the beginning of break, I was technically still on campus. I opted not to go home until the weekend, since I wanted to hang out with my roommates a little after the end of the semester. I also wanted to enjoy a final night or two of IM access as well, though I didn’t tell my parents that. I can’t actually remember now for sure whether it was Saturday or Sunday that I went home, though I think it was Sunday, because I’m pretty sure I watched Bleach and Trinity Blood on Cartoon Network, and had no clue as to what was going on, since I’d missed an episode or two.

The first few days at home, I mostly loafed around or did a handful of chores that Mom asked me to do. I sort of neglected to let folks know I was actually home, simply because I didn’t particularly feel like hanging out immediately. On Monday, I got a call about an internship and agreed to do an interview on Tuesday morning. At 10 am Tuesday morning, I had my interview, and things were looking great. I was told that I’d know if I got the position or not by Friday. To celebrate, I contacted a friend and he and I went to see Happy Feet.

And then, on Tuesday afternoon, I suddenly had a valid excuse for not sending out e-mails – the computer crashed. I was on the net, it froze, and control-alt-delete didn’t work. The mouse wasn’t responding either, so I shut the blasted thing down. The home computer was always freezing up; I figured I could just reboot it and be back online in twenty minutes or so. Instead, I got a lovely message asking for a boot disk. Oops. Crashing the computer wasn’t something I had fun telling my parents, but I told them. My dad couldn’t find our boot disk, so he called my brother and my brother-in-law, asking both to bring boot disks with them when they came home for Christmas.

I’d arranged another interview (on Thursday afternoon, in Springfield) after receiving a phone call on Tuesday from another internship opportunity. On Wednesday, I got a call from the first place I’d interviewed with, asking if I wanted the position. I took it, and then wondered whether to cancel the other interview, or go for the experience. I finally decided on Thursday to decline it and called to cancel. Mom still had to go to Springfield, as her van was due for a check-up of sorts since it’d been repaired, so I tagged along anyways. I figured I’d check my email and stuff while on campus by logging on to the wireless with my laptop. Mom wasn’t feeling too great, but since that’d been the norm since August (she was diagnosed with colon cancer, it was removed, she started chemo), I was worried, but not horribly so.

I didn’t get worried until Saturday. My sister and brother-in-law were already in town, but my mom didn’t feel up to seeing them. Actually, she didn’t feel up to doing much and hadn’t been keeping anything down since Thursday night. My family normally hosts Christmas for my mom’s side of the family, but we called my Grandma and arranged for her to take over Christmas. Then I went with my sister and brother-in-law to my Grandpa’s Christmas tree farm, to pick up a tree that he and my uncle had picked out for us. Mom and Dad hadn’t gone to get a tree yet, and with Mom not feeling good, a family excursion to cut down a tree just didn’t happen. I hated missing out on that tradition, especially since I knew I was probably going to decorate the tree alone – Mom would be in bed, Dad taking care of her. Decorating a tree by yourself isn’t fun.

Saturday night, Mom went into the hospital. My sister and I watched movies together while we waited for my folks to get home. I didn’t go to bed until around 1-1:30 in the morning, and my parents came home right after I’d changed into my pajamas, so I actually ran back downstairs first to find out if my mom was okay.

Christmas morning, I woke up to find out my mom had gone in again, at 3:30 that morning. Oddly enough, I still managed to have fun that day, getting gifts from relatives, eating my aunt’s famous Minnesota wild rice soup. All of us (my dad, me, my sister, my brother, my sister-in-law, my brother-in-law, and my young nephew) went to visit Mom in the hospital, and though I hated seeing her there, it was still sort of fun. We returned again later to do stockings, and unwrap Mom’s gifts and my nephew’s.

Skip forward to Wednesday night, which I spent hanging out with friends at Denny’s, and meeting a few new friends. Now to Thursday, December 28. Mom had exploratory surgery, but I wasn’t waiting at the hospital that day. I was out with a friend. We shopped at the mall, exchanged gifts, and saw Eragon (mostly to mock it). That night, I was playing Kingdom Hearts 2, when my dad finally came home from the hospital. Mom’s cancer was back…and the surgeon was not giving a happy estimate, even if chemo continued. I was upset; I was pissed; I was…terrified. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad cry before, but that night…I called around, trying to get ahold of a friend to talk to, trying to stop shaking. I finally got my best friend, Meghan, who came over as soon as she could, and spent time with me. We talked, we walked my dog, we got food because I hadn’t eaten…she reassured, she joked, and she kept me grounded. I got in contact with a few other of my friends that night as well.

Skip to New Year’s Eve – my friend Don had invited me to a party. My dad insisted I go, believing it would be good for me. The past few days had been spent in a haze of not wanting to see my Mom in the hospital, of playing video games, and in general not absorbing much. So I went. I played Battle of the Sexes with my friends, though the rules were our own because someone had lost the rule sheet. I broke down at the party, but my friends were prepared. They held me, talked to me, etc. I got drunkenly kissed by three of my friends at midnight. I learned I liked cheap wine but hated Long Island Iced Tea, especially when mixed with Peppermint Schnapps. I slept over and went home in the morning.

The rest of break was spent hanging out with my friends (seeing the films Night at the Museum, and Apocalypto) and coming back to school early to take care of paperwork related to my internship and course overload. I also learned one of my roommates had moved out. We also learned things might not be as bad as the surgeons predicted- the oncologists were far more optimistic, and I got the lovely job of sending email updates to people a couple times.

Section 2: Friends Are the Best

I’d been having fun at the party, more than I expected. I actually liked Don’s ex-girlfriend, Beth, when I’d expected to hate her. Don was one of my best guy friends around, and we’d also dated at one point. My friends the Tran twins were there. My friend Zach was there (I think – I don’t think he left before then…). My friends JJ and Annie were there. But then I saw Don and Beth having a serious talk, because Beth was hitting on him the more drunk she became. I got jealous…and then, almost immediately, wanted to cry. So I went to JJ, gave her a hug, and she asked if I was okay. I left and went into the next room, sat on the exercise bike, and started crying. The next thing I know, JJ is in the room with me, and so is Annie. This was sometime between 11:00 and 11:30 New Year’s Eve.

I spent the next hour crying. Annie held me for a while, JJ held me…I remember when I first started to break down overhearing JJ say to the Tran twins, who were clueless, “Her mom’s dying” and protesting that it wasn’t necessary true. I can remember apologizing, insisting I hadn’t wanted to disrupt the party. JJ basically said “Oh, honey. It’s okay. We were expecting it. We totally understand, and we would’ve been more worried if you hadn’t started crying at some point.” I remember hearing her ask the Trans when Preston, another friend, was going to be there. Preston and I have been friends since grade school, and he’s sort of like my big brother. He’d lost his dad in high school.

Don held me, and I remember thinking that Beth was going to be jealous. In fact, I thought I had ticked her off, since she walked out of the room a couple times. But then again, she was there offering me sips of wine to drink, to help me ease up a little, and holding my hands. I must’ve held nearly everyone’s hands but the Tran twins’ that night. I even got hugged by Don’s mom, shortly after midnight, when she came down to find out how it was going (The party was in his basement).

Section 3: “It’s Not Good”

As I mentioned before, I spent most of Thursday, December 28, hanging out with a friend. When I came home, I was a little surprised Dad wasn’t home yet but didn’t pay much attention to it – he hadn’t left a message or anything. So I put Kingdom Hearts 2 in the PS2 and started playing.

When Dad came home…well, from his expression, I knew it probably wasn’t happy news. He started clearing a spot to sit next to me on the couch, shoving aside the newspaper and the mail, and the extra PS2 controller. He said he wanted to sit by me. He looked at me. “It’s not good.” He repeated it, and I got scared. The music for the Mulan world of Kingdom Hearts 2 – I was near the Bamboo Grove save point when he had me pause the game - was beginning to annoy me, but I couldn’t get up to turn it off. He went on to say that the cancer was back…he hugged me around then, because I started crying. Actually, it was more the two of us just leaning on each other. The surgeon had a very dire estimate, and I couldn’t think past the fact I might be losing my mom. And I hated hearing my dad cry. He’d started when he said the cancer was back, or around that point. Honestly, I think some details are blurred – my brain just sort of froze when I heard that. I remember my dad telling me we wouldn’t know more until the oncologists had a chance to talk with them, and I remember getting up to turn off the game and go upstairs.