SECRET SUN

+is this LOVE?+
by: Ayumi Hamasaki

While some kind of loud noise was building
in my mind, it was as though it was collapsing
Unable to move, I just kept standing there

“Why isn’t it me?” I asked, but
it’s not some kind of foolish example.
You were there as I had never seen you before.
As I can only, only feel from far away.
How on earth can I express this emotion?

From time to time, the sorrow in your eyes
would show me the reason, so . . .

That which can be given to you
I can’t give; no one can.
Is it only that one person who understands that can?

This feeling is certainly known as “love”, isn’t it?

_______________________________________________________

CHAPTER 14: Hurt Me, Love Me, Break Me, Hold Me
______________________________________________________________

This time when I wake up, Noah’s gone. He left me a note on the kitchen table telling me he has to go to school today, for a test. I can see a bunch of crumpled papers in my trash can, telling me that he was studying last night. He had slept on the sofa . . . he could have at least picked up after himself. Is that popcorn on my floor? Huffing, I decide to leave it there until later; I have to go to school too. Damn Noah, he must have shut off my alarm clock to let me sleep in. I feel better today, still a little groggy but I don’t feel like throwing up anymore.

When I get in the bathroom to take my shower—I haven’t taken one since I got sick—I take some Advil for my headache, then undress and decide to torture myself by looking in the mirror. I look like utter shit. There are dark circles under my eyes and my skin is a chalky white and my lips cracked. Sighing, I get in the shower and wash myself, taking my time. I’ve already missed my first class and am already late for my second, so I have time.

As I massage my scalp, shampooing it, I wonder if Noah still plans on hiding. I don’t really want to be affectionate in public, but shouldn’t his friends know? Or rather, shouldn’t a certain friend who still likes me know? Well, it’s his friend, not mine. He can tell her whatever he wants.

It’s none of my business, but I don’t plan on hiding it from her.

Ah lunch, best part of the day. I think I want to go out for lunch, but Stephan has the car, not me. I wonder if he’s still sick at home. He scared the shit out of me yesterday, collapsing like that. What if he still feels that bad and needs someone to help him to the bathroom to puke or someone to bring him a drink. I already took my test in third hour, so maybe I can leave and go see him, make sure he’s okay and then make him order me some pizza as a reward for taking such good care of his hot white ass.

Nodding to myself in the hallway, I decide to leave. I won’t be missing anything too spectacular, I’m sure. But before the thought can even finish in my mind someone grabs my elbow and yanks me back.

I’m embarrassed to say that I shriek . . . shriek like a fucking five year old girl!

Who the hell—

“Hey, Noah.”

I blink.

“Oh, hey Erika,” I laugh nervously.

She frowns. “You’re avoiding me.”

“What? When? I’m not avoiding you.”

She toes the floor, her sad look making me feel guilty because yes, I am avoiding her. I don’t know why it’s so different now, but going out with Stephan makes me feel guiltier than fooling around with him. I feel like a backstabber. Friends don’t go after other friends’ crushes. That’s like, one of the unwritten rules. And I broke the rules. I broke them, spit on them and then stomped on them. I’m afraid of what will happen if she finds out. I don’t want her to find out. I don’t want to lose her.

“Oh . . . I guess I was just thinking that you were getting annoyed with me.”

“Why would I be annoyed?”

“Cause I keep asking you to talk to Stephan for me, or give him letters for me.” Well yeah, that is very strange for me, being his current boyfriend and all. Well, I am now anyway. She looks up at me with a look of fierce determination on her face and I can’t help but feel a sudden chill at it. “But I want you to know, I’m not going to ask you anymore.”

A huge weight is lifted off my shoulders.

She’s giving up on him?

Oh that will make it so much easier for me. I’ll wait for awhile and then tell her about Stephan and me. Or maybe I should just tell her now? Would it be too soon? I’m happy that Stephan’s agreed to a relationship with me though and I haven’t had the chance to tell anyone. It’s what I wanted and I got it. Maybe I should just hint to it and gauge her reaction?

“Erika—”

She holds up her hand. “One minute, let me say what I want to say first.”

I nod with a huge shit-eating grin on my face, excited to finally tell someone that someone as beautiful and amazing as Stephan is actually mine.

“I’m not going to ask you anymore because I’m going to ask him.”

Suddenly, the world comes crashing right back down on my shoulders, almost making me tumble over from the force of it.

My mouth opens, the grin, of course, gone.

“W-what?”

She’s going to ask out my boyfriend?

My best friend is going to ask out my boyfriend who she doesn’t even know is dating me.

This is fucked right here.

She nods enthusiastically, oblivious to my panic. “Yup, I’m going to ask him out.”

“When?” I croak.

“Today. I don’t want to waste any more time. She who hesitates is . . . something. I’m not sure how that one goes.”

“H-he’s not here today,” I stammer. It’s now a good thing that he’s not. I have to tell her. I can’t let her ask him out when I know he’s not only gay, but kind of taken too.

“Oh, he just came in late. He missed his first and second classes but I saw him going to his third class.”

As my mind registers the words, she grabs my wrist and starts dragging me down the hall. She’s walking so fast I’m stumbling over my own feet—the girl’s one step away from dragging me down the hall like a rag doll.

“E-Erika! There’s something I have to tell you,” I stutter.

Oh, this is bad.

“Can’t it wait? If I don’t do this now I’ll chicken out.”

True, she can be really shy and timid when it comes to her crushes. It really doesn’t surprise me that it has taken this long for her to summon up the courage to do this. Ugh, that makes me feel even worse. She must have worked really hard to gain the courage to do this. Add that to the list of reasons why I’m a total jackass.

“Heh, heh, this really can’t wait,” I say nervously. “Erhm, you see Erika, I—we—I—”

“Stephan!”

Erika lets go of my wrist and my whole body turns cold as ice.

Once Erika’s in front of him, Stephan looks back at me, his lips forming a straight line. I’m sure he’s figured out what’s going on, he’s a genius like that. He’s not blind to Erika’s obvious attraction to him and she’s never gone up to him before.

But since he knows . . .

Maybe I won’t have to tell her?

Besides, he’s known she’s liked him and never did anything, never turned her down. Isn’t that like, leading someone on or something? I mean if he’s not saying no then she might think he’s like, considering it or something. He’s the one being asked out, not me, this has nothing to do with me. Well, it does now that I’m dating him but this has started long before that. He has to take responsibility.

Yeah, he should be the one to do it.

I just hope he does it gently.

“What is it?” Stephan asks, his voice hollow.

It reminds me of how he used to talk to me, detached and distant, like he’s not really there. I wonder if that’s some sort of defense that he has, or maybe he just uses it for people who he doesn’t trust. He doesn’t use it with me anymore. Does that mean he trusts me? Looking at Erika, I can’t see why anyone would trust me. Not now.

“I was just wondering . . . that is, um, would you . . . you never got back to me with an answer so . . . I just figured you were busy . . . I was wondering if . . . you would want to . . . um, that is, would you go out wi—”

“No.”

I wince at his biting tone and Erika’s hurt expression that comes almost immediately.

Well, that could have gone better.

At least it’s over now.

She asked and he turned her down, like he should have done a long time ago.

It’s over.

I sigh in relief.

“O-oh, okay. I’m sorry, I understand. You’re probably too busy—”

“That’s not it.”

My head snaps up, my eyes wide.

Don’t tell her, don’t tell her, don’t tell her. Please don’t tell her Stephan!

He’s staring at me, at my pleading eyes, but doesn’t say anything. Erika notices that his attention is no longer on her and turns back to look at me and I immediately start looking like a deer caught in the headlights.

Oh damn, please car, just run me over and get it over with.

“Erika I—”

Before I can get my words out, Stephan walks around her to me and shoves me against the lockers. Before I can react at all, his mouth is covering mine. My eyes widen even more, if possible, and stare at his closed eyes. I hear Erika gasp and I don’t kiss him back, even though he seems to really want a response from me. Something inside of me tells me I should kiss him back, that Stephan wants some sort of assurance that we’re still together despite this. But I can’t. Not in front of her. I can’t do that to her. I’ve already done enough by letting her embarrass herself like this; to let her get dumped by someone who I knew was taken. I should have told her he was gay the second he kissed me in his apartment.

Finally giving up trying to get me to respond, Stephan pulls back, pulls back from the kiss anyway. He continues to lean heavily against me, pressing his body to mine, wrapping his arms around my shoulders loosely and letting his head rest on my shoulder. While he seems to have stopped growing at 5’8, I’m still not done, now standing at 5’9.

“I’m already taken, that’s why I can’t go out with you,” he says, his voice still detached and I hate it.

“N-Noah?” she whispers, looking like she can’t find her voice, and I can see it, tears are beginning to form in the corners of her eyes.

I’ve never seen Erika cry before.

I feel awful, knowing I’m partly responsible for those tears.

Her eyes are locked on me and I know I have to say something.

I can’t stay quiet anymore; she doesn’t deserve that, not from a friend.

“I tried to tell you,” is all I’m able to choke out.

“Heh,” a sob escapes her throat when she tries to laugh without humor. “Tried,” she repeats softly and then asks, “How long?”

“Er, well, I—”

“I kissed him after school on the first day. He avoided me for awhile after that and then we started fooling around when it first snowed.”

“But you hated each other then,” she exclaims a little too loudly.

Stephan just shrugs. “Feelings change.”

I just stand there, frozen, as this exchange of words takes place. I can’t believe how insensitive Stephan’s being. A part of me is screaming for me to stick something in his mouth to get him to shut up but I can’t seem to remember how to work my limbs.

“Noah, why didn’t you tell me? Why would you . . .”

“I,” I don’t know what to say. How can I explain this? “I was just, er, he was, ah, lonely?” Way to sound pathetic. “I mean Stephan, he became my best friend and—”

Erika’s hurt look deepens, now looking as if I just stabbed her with a large kitchen knife.

What did I say?

“I thought I was your best friend,” she chokes out.

I shut my mouth, my teeth clanking together audibly.

I’ve never thought of Erika as my best friend and I had thought it was mutual. I guess this is what I get for assuming things. But I feel so badly because I still don’t think of her as my best friend, even knowing she sees me as hers. A close friend yeah, a true friend definitely, but my number one closest friend . . . Is it weird that I think Stephan as that? I just feel closer to him than I do to Erika, especially now that he knows about my parents, something I’ve never told anyone else before.

“I can’t have anything from you, can I,” she asks softly, sobbing. I want to reach out to her, hug her or comfort her or just, do something other than stand here frozen and worthless like an idiot.

“Eri—”

“Screw you Noah,” she says, too calmly to go with her teary face. She sniffs, covering her mouth and nose with her sleeve. Then, without another word, she turns around and walks away quickly, her sobs and heels clicking against the floor echoing throughout the hall.

Click, click. Click, click.

Once Erika turns the corner Stephan pulls himself away from me, but before he can get far I shove him. He stumbles back, but doesn’t fall on his ass like I had hoped.

“What the hell,” I shout, then, remembering where we are, I look around to see just a few teachers giving us a strange look, probably wondering if we’re about to fight. Huffing, I grab Stephan’s blue jacket and drag him down the hall and towards the closest exit. Halfway there, he bats my hand away and silently follows me. I don’t wait for the door to shut before I turn and regard him with a pissed off expression.

“You want to say something,” he drawls.

“Yeah! I’m pissed!”

“Yeah? Well, that makes two of us.”

I sputter, taken aback. “What the hell do you have to be pissed about?!”

He narrows his eyes at me. “You came with your friend to support her asking me out. What, are you trying to pimp me out now? I thought we were,” he pauses awkwardly and clears his throat. “You’re not supposed to help others ask me out. Who does that? I thought we were supposed to be in a committed relationship, where we don’t see other people.”

Great, now he looks hurt.

I’m just one huge jackass aren’t I?

“Maybe this is a mistake,” Stephan says, sounding unsure, his eyes darting around and his voice slightly shaky.

“Wha—you can’t break up with me already,” I choke out, afraid he’s already gotten tired of me. My hand flies up to my chest, fear and pain gripping at my heart. I don’t want to lose him. Not him. I just finally gathered the balls to ask him to be with me. He can’t leave me. “I wasn’t pimping you out, I swear! I was trying to tell her, I just . . . what was I supposed to say? He’s mine so back off? She’s my friend Stephan. That means something to me!”

“Yet you lead her to me and let me do the dirty work of breaking it to her. To make me look like a villain when you should have told her a long time ago.”

“Don’t blame all of this on me! You should have turned her down a long time ago!”

“I’m not the one who she’s friends with. I’m not the one who has any loyalties to her. You should have told her the second I kissed you that I’m gay, if you were really a good friend. It was safe then too, because I was the one who kissed you, you didn’t do anything to betray her trust.”

“You could have been bi,” I say, not knowing what else I can say. I feel like I should be defending myself but how can I when I had those same thoughts in my head just before he crushed her before my eyes.

“Well, I’m not. I like dicks not chicks.”

I can’t believe he just said that.

“You’re the one in the wrong, Noah.”

I think we’re both in the wrong, I think but don’t say.

“I wasn’t pimping you out,” I feel the need to say again.

“But you did turn me into the bad guy. You made me do something that you should have done yourself.”

“You didn’t have to take it that far.”

“Lying to her or hiding it from her isn’t exactly playing nice either.”

Touché.

“I just said what needed to be said, but you were too much of a chicken shit to say yourself.”

I don’t say anything to that, because I know it’s true.

“I hate hurting people. I know too well what it feels like to be rejected,” Stephan mumbles, looking down.

The statement, however, makes questions race in my head.

Who is he talking about? Did Stephan get turned down? Or . . . is he talking about his parents? I’ve never met them and he doesn’t talk fondly about them. And who else would he be talking about? There’s no way another guy, gay or bi anyway, would turn him down—not if they had eyes. But seeing Stephan’s face when he said that, I can see how painful it really was for him in there and I realize I wasn’t the only one feeling for Erika, he’s just better at hiding it. And then I just drag him out of there and treat him even more like a villain.

Wow, this reasons why Noah’s a jackass list just keeps getting longer.

“Steph,” I say softly and go to kiss him. He turns his head so I end up pressing my lips against the corner of his mouth.

I guess I deserve that.

But still, my heart sinks a little at being denied.

But before I can step away though, Stephan wraps one arm around my neck and the other around my waist and presses himself against me, burying his face in my neck. It feels nice, but hurts at the same time. I hurt him too, didn’t I? I made him feel like a bad guy, just so I wouldn’t have to. I want to ask him what happened to him to make him like this, to make him sad and hurt, to ask him what made him so damaged. It’s obvious he has issues when it comes to rejection, issues that hurt him when he’s on either side.

“I’m going home. My headache’s coming back and I really don’t want to be here anymore,” he says against my neck, kissing it lightly.

Despite his words, we both stay there for awhile, neither really wanting to move. Or at least, I don’t. I bring my hands up to his hips as he continues to softly kiss at my neck, sucking gently every now and then, and I can tell this is his way of comforting himself somehow. I don’t know what to do in this situation, so, not wanting to do anything wrong to upset him further, I just stand there and let him lavish my neck and cling to me while holding his hips.

When the bell rings, he finally lets go of me and pushes away, then walks past me, not touching me at all, and walks to his car.

I don’t offer or try to go with him.

-

-

[

Just so you know, the lyrics in the beginning pertain to Erika’s feelings. :) The next chapter will be in Erika’s POV and it will be the only chapter in her POV.

THANKS FOR READING.

--------------------]