Hours passed, then the day had passed. Then it was the following night, and I was in bed, thinking. The large, cold pillow did not provide me with any comfort, though it had not failed to do so in the past. The coldness of the entire bed, which I had loved, might as well have burned my whole body with discomfort. Because of this my eyes were ever open, just as my mind continued to roam a black plain.

Tristan’s mouth was soft on my skin, and moved from the top of my bare shoulder, down my arm, until he kissed my fingertips and held them. He pressed his hard body against mine, wanting me to acknowledge him. I might have responded; I might have not.

He had been happy to let me come home with him earlier that evening, after I had become tormented from being in my house alone with only my thoughts to keep me company. But he was always happy, saying he loved when there was something feminine in his home. Yet he had noticed my distraction, how I sat curled up in his arms while we sat on the sofa. I had not said much to him, except through caresses and kisses, and he, in his patience, had not protested. We had an unspoken understanding that I was not altogether there, that whatever it was that bothered me could not be spoken then.

He left and I had not noticed. But he returned with a tub of ice cream and two silver spoons. I smiled upon returning to the present, as he knew I would have wanted some before the day had ended. He said that was what he had been aiming for, the smile. And I realized I should not have allowed myself to be distant in this way. I told him to make me forget, and kissed him. Then we had sex in a slow and gentle way, his way of kneading my troubles out of me with both his attention and his patience.

He had opened all the windows of his large bedroom to let the night air enter onto our bodies, and for me to see the stars, as he knew I liked to look at them where they hung beyond the balcony before falling asleep. But the clouds might as well have been conscious of their actions; the stars were covered that night.

“Where are you?” he said into my ear.

I faced him, showed that I did not understand.

“You aren’t here. Are you still worried?”

“Worried?”

“About what White said to you today.” He did not understand that it was with relief that I opened my mouth to speak. It was not about White that I had been thinking. He continued, attempting to calm my worry. “Sometimes he just gives threats for the sake of giving them. You did what you could for your target; he doesn’t care. He’ll find a way to clear up the Human interferences.”

I did not doubt this; the Humans only required a feasible explanation as to what they had seen, along with memory erasing, for the total number of compromises to be cleared. Tristan’s concern was something I was still becoming used to, though I liked the attention. It was his continued interest in the important elements of our relationship that made me love him as much as I did. But I did not want to burden him. I did not want to taint him with all that troubled me.

It had been a question of mine that he might have known some of the answers that I needed concerned Taurus and the exchange. After all, he was a Taurean, and had been their agent much longer than I. But the flawed side of me did not want to believe he had anything to do with such shadowy ventures. I wanted him to be pure. I was cautious, yet I refused to push him away. I believed he loved me, as why else would he do all the generous and loving things he had done, when no one else had ever done them. I did not want to dismiss him. I would not.

“It’s not that.”

“Then what?”

In my mind’s eye I saw, as clearly as if it was happening then, how, after our target had disappeared, I had deliberately seated myself without looking at Orion. It was an unspoken command that radiated toward him. I knew he did not like to be cornered by anyone, man or woman, and did not like to be dictated to more than was necessary. He could have walked out the door in cold fury to be alone, but did not. Instead, somehow inwardly overpowered, he seated himself, and waited for what he knew would come. His expression was effortlessly regal, as if he was only granting me a favor. But this might have been nothing more than a mask.

“You are going to lie to me,” I said.

“Don’t make it seem as if I enjoy doing this.”

“Then who did you call?”

He did not answer; his lips were a firm line. His violet irises were large and opaque, unreadable.

“Who was it, Orion? We might as well address the pink elephant in the room.”

“Phire, this isn’t...”

“I thought so. I suppose you won’t be able to tell me then how you managed to kill those two Telekinetics over the Potomac River, when I couldn’t do it. And you weren’t supposed to be able to do it. I don’t get how—I don’t understand how you could kill those but you couldn’t kill the other two. And...” Desperation was causing my throat to constrict. I was, I thought shamefully, desperate for his honesty. “And how did you find me, back in Madison...Are you one of them?”

“Who, Sapphire.” The brilliance in his eyes dimmed.

“The soldiers, the ones Jenner said took us all away. The ones who helped save my life.”

“I can’t answer that.”

His answer stung. “I know that Porter in The Amazon has something to do with you. I don’t care what lies you’re thinking up to convince me I’m wrong. And I know those agents who shot the Humans have something to do with you.”

He said nothing.

“Say something! Don’t sit there looking at me.”

“They took care of Jenner’s problem. They destroyed the information.”

“Then you do know them.”

“It’s what you wanted, isn’t it? For Jenner to be protected, for the information to be destroyed so your conscience won’t eat you alive?”

“Who are they to you, to Taurus? Are you—an informant? A double-agent?”

“I’ve told you enough. You need to know too much.”

“I won’t accept your vague answers. I’m not an idiot, despite what the hell you may think.”

He had been offended, but not enough to retaliate. His eyes became plaintive; the crack had resurfaced. He wanted me to understand him. But I did not want to understand him then. I wanted answers.

“You can’t leave me in the dark,” I said. “You won’t. You’re something else, not just a Four. You’re too...powerful. You’ve done things that no Telekinetic has ever done in decades, and you expect me to overlook all of them?”

Without understanding it, I had reached for his hand as if he would have been able to feel through my flesh all that I needed him to feel. But barely had the tips of my fingers touched the back of his hand when he pulled it quickly away. His eyes narrowed.

“I’m not placing you in any danger by keeping these things from you. And you are fucking ungrateful, accusing me as if you deserve answers, as if I had to do what I did. Fuck you.”

He caught himself. His tone struggled to return to normal. “I understand your position, Phire, but nothing good will come of me telling you all you want to know. If you were in danger because of me, I would tell you. Or I would leave you alone.”

A hole burned in my chest. I was miserable. Not knowing what was happening around them had cost many agents their lives. And here was someone who wanted me to believe him enough to accept the thin answers that he gave.

“So you expect me to trust you, to trust that you’re not going to screw me over down the road?”

“That I saved your life should prove than you can trust me. And I hope that I can trust you.”

I could not look at him, though I tried to. I was afraid to give an answer, though I knew what it would have been. I looked at the surface of the table. “I’m not ungrateful...You’ve saved my life a few times now...” But even the most trusted being could betray the trust of another, if given the right motivation. “This thing you’re in, is it dangerous?”

A pause. “In some ways, it is.”

“Can you get out of it?”

The hopeful thread in my voice had escaped for him to hear. His face softened.

“I never will. It’s part of who I am.” A second passed, and his face brightened. “Hey, are we good?”

I nodded, tried to smile encouragingly.

This was the problem that was my vice: I did not want to make Orion my enemy. It was as if I could not. A frightful thought.

Now I saw Tristan. With a finger I traced the line of his jaw.

“I can’t sleep. It’s frustrating.”

He wrapped his strong arms around me and tightened them. “Don’t worry about it. If you want it, it will come soon enough.”

HiH