Darkness

I look around me, trying to find any light. There is none. I am surrounded by darkness, cold, lonely darkness. I’m afraid to take a step, afraid to even breathe.

I hear a sharp intake of breath in the corner of the room. I instinctively turn my head toward the slight noise. My heart skipps a beat, and then starts to pound furiously in my chest. I want to move as far away as possible, but I can't. I can't move so much as a twitch, I am frozen with terror.

There’s a shuffling in the corner. It sounds like metal scraping across the chilly, stone floor. The noise doesn’t stop. In fact, it gets louder, louder, so loud to my sensitive ears. I wince at the metallic scraping.

Soon, I feel the hot breath as it blows onto my face. I am surprised at the smell that follows the breath. I am expecting something horrid, but instead, it is sweet, like butterscotch candy.

The back of a rough hand caresses my cheek. I close my eyes tight in fear, as if to block out everything.

“Lillie,” The voice of a man breathes into my ear.

I know this voice. I know. I would remember this voice anywhere. I remember the times we would cuddle up against each other late at night, looking up at the stars. I remember when I would cry and how this voice would soothe me and ease all my troubles away. But that was before….

No it can’t be. This voice was no longer in this world. I saw it with my own eyes. Why, why would my mind torture me like this. But…maybe it really is….

“James?” My voice breaks as I quietly utter the name that I have not spoken in 3 years.

“More or less,” He chuckles a little. “God, I’ve missed you.”

“But James, this is…it’s not possible. I saw…I saw you die. You were in my arms and I couldn’t, I couldn’t save you.” I feel the tears as they trickle down my face. He brushes my tears away with his thumb, while he gently holds my face, just like he used to do. I lean into his hand.

"I know. I have wanted to come back to you for the longest time, but I can't. If you were to see me you would run in terror and that alone would kill me."

“What? I would never do that to you. I love--" He cuts me off by putting a finger on my lips.

“Shh, don't say that. Not now, the circumstances have changed.” He trails off.

I want to say something, but I don't want to spend our time together arguing. I decide to change the subject.

“Where am I?” I realize that I don’t even know where I am. I woke up in this room with no recollection of what happened.

“I can’t tell you.” He says. "I can never tell you. I have to go now, remember that I will always love you. I want, need you to know that. I hope you will forget me, though. I'm not good for you anymore, you need to move on with your life, without me in it. Ago puteus, bonus." His cold lips touch mine only the slightest bit before he fades into oblivion. There is a metallic taste lingering on my lips. His kisses are not the same.

Was he ever really here? Or was that my mind playing tricks on me again? I try to find something, anything that proved we was really here holding me in his embrace. I find nothing. He wasn't here, he never was and he never will be.

I feel the emptiness in my chest again. I realize only now, that I had finally felt whole again. When he was with me, I felt at peace. Now, I am empty again. I feel nothing. I am suffocating. The walls are closing in on me. I’m choking on the pain. A strangled sob breaks through my lips, the lips that he had just touched, seconds before. I need him, want him, can’t live without him. I had already tried and I failed miserably.

The darkness threatens to swallow me up whole. I am so alone, I can't take the silence. Ago puteus, bonus. Live well, goodbye. He told me goodbye. He means it, I will never see him again. No! I can't take it! I have to have him.

I can feel myself spiral out of control. My sanity is slowly falling apart. I want to die. I grab my hair and pull on it as hard as I can. I can't feel the pain I should feel. I want to feel pain, I don't want to be numb anymore.

I fall to the floor and grope for my purse. I find it and try to feel for the knife I keep in there for protection. I grab the cold, metal handle and pull it out of my purse. Slowly, I unfold the pocket knife. I put the sharp edge to the crease of my elbow. I push down hard and drag the edge all the way down my arm to my wrist. I still don't feel the pain. What's wrong with me? I do it again and again, desperately waiting for the pain to fizzle up and swallow me, but it won't.

I feel the warm liquid as it drips from my skin. I can hear the splatter as the blood pours from my body, like a waterfall.

I feel weak, dizzy. I welcome this feeling. It's so different from the nothingness I have felt for so long, I want that breath of fresh air. I feel a small smile creep up my face. I lay face down on the freezing concrete, I feel my body heating up. I sink slower and slower into the abyss. His face passes through my mind as I sink. I remember all the times we've had together, I remember them and I cherish them, knowing that things will never be what they once were. I'm in so deep, that I don't think I could ever make it to the top again.

And I don't.

-:-

A/N: So how do ya'll like it? I think it was actually one of my better writings. Please review, I'd like to see what ya'll think about it. :)