salut et quoi de neuf (hi and what's new)! so, i had relatives over earlier this week. it was interesting, i suppose. just a bit of shopping, museum visiting, etc... anyways, i do hope that you'll find this update more interesting than my current happenings! read, review, and enjoy, s'il vous plaît!

-Capitolo 8-

She knew perfectly well that her act wasn’t holding up. Feeling his eyes study her with an enormous amount of concern, Ueno Shiori came to a stop abruptly, pulling her fingers away reluctantly from the piano keys, and taking her foot off of the pedal to rest it on the floor. She was aware that Hirai Katsu had already given up a minute ago – and was probably staring at her in pure disbelief.

This wasn’t the practice session that either of them had been hoping for that day. In order to build up more endurance for his brass instrument, Katsu had proposed the idea of practicing etudes together at least four times a week, keeping both of them at the top of their game. At first it seemed like a great opportunity to share and exchange their areas of expertise, where improvement seemed to be the only outcome. It perplexed him that Shiori seemed to be doing the opposite – falling behind.

“Are you feeling alright, Shiori-chan?” Setting his trumpet away carefully in his case, Katsu stood from his chair that was right behind her piano bench in the practice room. The student before him remained facing the piano, just as indifferently as before. “You’ve never missed that many notes before – in fact, I’ve never heard you miss any quite like that...”

Shiori looked down, ashamed at the blunt reality of his words. Her hands gripped the bench, the tension spreading throughout the rest of her body like a steady current of electricity. “I’ve been a little exhausted lately, Katsu-kun. I’ll be fine.” She prayed that her concise explanation would satisfy him for the time being.

Katsu shook his head, sitting back down immediately in frustration. It wasn’t working today. “I know that’s not the truth, Shiori-chan. We both know it.” His voice held an abruptly harsher tone than previously, increasing the stress in the atmosphere. “Will you just tell me what’s going on this time? Just once?”

Confused at his sudden change in attitude, Shiori remained silent, unsure of how to respond. She knew that his family was on the verge of losing one of the multiple court cases that were going on at the moment, so it had to be taking its toll on him – more than he had earlier let on. He was probably equally as worried about his tuition, the upcoming contest, and on top of that, her...

“I’m sorry, Katsu-kun. I-I know that I’m m-making you w-worry over me,” Shiori stuttered out at once, displeased that she had caused him so much unnecessary anxiety. “Y-You know, I might just g-go home to rest...”

As she shifted on the bench to slide off of the other end, Katsu shot back up, capturing her in a tight embrace. He couldn’t let her go today. While on the outside, he made it appear as if she always needed him – but truthfully, it was the exact opposite. Watching over her was a distraction for him. An escape from whatever troubles of the day were clouding his mind. And although he could see that she was struggling alone under the burden of their combined worries, he knew that they needed the time together. It was too early to return to the rest of his life without her.

“Why are you stuttering so much Shiori-chan?” His voice was clearly full of confusion. She didn’t need to feel so dejected with him by her side. “Why are you apologizing?”

Sighing dejectedly, Shiori shook her head. She couldn’t tell if in his currently ever-changing attitude, confiding in him would make him feel burdened or relieved. Something within her whispered that the moment wasn’t right. He could wait a few more days to help carry the extra weight of her inner troubles.

“Shiori-chan...are you listening to me?” He swayed gently as if to soothe her, causing her to hold him tightly in return.

“Yes...” She replied timidly, closing her eyes to focus solely on him and their present situation. Everything was moving around her too fast, it felt as if taking a break would make her fall too far behind. At least at that moment, she could try to move at the same pace as Hirai Katsu.

He took a deep breath and she could feel his entire body relax after the much-needed intake of oxygen. “I know I shouldn’t have gotten angry. But I want to help, if I can. You don’t have to pretend to be so strong for me...”

“Let me protect you,” an ethereal recollection in the back of her mind echoed instantaneously. Although both offers for aid were so similar, they were tinged with different expectations in her perspective.

Shiori nodded distantly in agreement, fully understanding his frustration. “I know. I-It’s just a bit complex, Katsu-kun,” she murmured. “Can you...wait for me?” She pulled away from the embrace hesitantly, trying to distinguish his attitude from his foggy gray eyes.

To her disappointment, those eyes weren’t focused on her, instead staring off to the side perhaps to keep himself distracted. She exhaled shakily, wondering where to go next. What else could they do if they kept missing each other like that?

“Yes, I can.” He breathed out at last, staring directly at her. “But we’re going to share everything when this is all over, right?”

Forcing out a smile, Shiori tried to shed her formerly dismal countenance. “Yeah, I’ll be ready then, I prom-”

The door swung open, disrupting their discussion as a vaguely familiar first-year stumbled into the practice room. She held on to the doorknob to keep herself from flying uncontrollably into the designated practice space, glancing up with light cerulean irises. Her gaze grew even wider once she realized what she had done.

“Oh my goodness!” She exclaimed in a fusion of excitement and embarrassment, letting go of the knob to bow deeply to Shiori and Katsu. “I’m so sorry! It is fifteen minutes past my scheduled rehearsal time, so I thought that it was taken, what with contest and all...oh my– I didn’t realize that you’re still here, Shiori-chan!”

Shiori returned the students gaze uncertainly, searching her memory to find out who this animated first-year student was. She knew for sure that they had met before, even if it was only briefly. Still, with her deep chocolate locks and those startling sky blue eyes, she couldn’t quite place this foreign girl, whose skin was only a few shades darker than Shiori, herself.

“I’m sorry...I don’t recognize you,” she apologized, wondering if that sense of familiarity was simply a figment of her imagination. With her lack of focus, as of late, it seemed likely.

But the girl simply waved it off and shook her head. “Ah, that’s okay, Shiori-chan – we only met for a few days last year...and poor thing, you were sick too! I’m sure that I probably look a bit different from the last time we met.” Her attention shifted to Katsu, Shiori’s companion. “And you are?”

“Hirai Katsu,” he replied immediately with a quick bow. “Are you a friend of Shiori’s?”

The girl smiled optimistically. “I sure hope to be. I’m Alduino Stefania, the sister of Alduino Gaspare. I’m sure you’re familiar of him?”

Staring at the girl while trying to connect her to those distant memories, Shiori began to see a person that somewhat resembled this student. The mirror image of all of his determination and faithfulness...and now she was right before her. Stefania was right – her skin had grown quite pale since their previous encounter, and her hair had been styled to be more practical and casual, as was the preferred style around campus.

“We’ve only had one brief meeting,” Katsu responded, his attitude not quite as cheery as he took in her identity.

“I’ve been dying to meet you all year,” Stefania continued warmly, her impeccably natural accent becoming more and more evident to Shiori. “And what coincidence! You won’t believe how hard I’ve been studying – in both linguistics and vocal technique to finally convince my mother to let me attend this school! I mean, not saying that it wasn’t hard for Gaspare either, but he started studying Japanese much earlier than I did...”

Trying to reciprocate the energy and enthusiasm the young Italian had toward meeting her, Shiori attempted a soft grin. She glanced behind Stefania’s shoulder out the wide door opening, wondering if she had any more company for the day. In fact there was.

Leaning against the other side of the wall, Alduino Gaspare waited in satisfied silence for his sister to finish chatting with the practice room’s previous students. The buttons of his uniform were undone and bits of dust and sand clung to the black fabric of his uniform. He seemed casual, his hands resting contentedly in the pockets of his uniform slacks. His disheveled hair only added to his abnormally sloppy appearance.

She continued to study him, mesmerized at the person that she had now perceived him to be. It was as if he appeared to be together, yet not completely. Focused, but on an image of a dream that he could barely see.

At ease with her distance, Shiori swayed back a bit, trying to get one more glimpse of him. Somewhere in her being, she could feel herself react to him – her nervous system jolted by his appearance, her chest tight at the bothersome distance between them. She struggled against the massive urge to slip out of the room to leave Stefania to continue her chat with Katsu about the contest that was coming up.

Before she could pull herself away from watching him to return to reality, Shiori held her breath, hearing Alduino Gaspare humming faintly. Even from the hallway, she could find herself instinctively listening for his consoling voice. Before his return, it subconsciously filled her dreams at night, resulting in an endless playlist of faded memories that somehow weren’t as painful as the ones she found herself dwelling on during the daytime. Her eyes grew wide as she saw him begin to sing, finishing up the last verses of his melody.

“Me, if I had known the pain

Without doubt, I wouldn’t have gone

Again and again, I’m sorry

But it’s you in my dreams

Show me your smile

I know that it’s not easy...”

“I’m sorry, Gaspare,” she apologized, reading all of his emotions from everything that she had discovered through observing him. “I truly am...”

- - -

There were only four lines left hinting to the state of Ueno Yuka’s mind residing within his own thoughts. They were too concise, too miserable, and too surreal for him to comprehend. Yet they always said the same thing each time he read over her graceful script:

-

In reference to my only “love”, somehow I knew it was all fake. I played right into his hands, thinking that some way; I would fit in with him.

It was all wrong. Always a nightmare replaying in my mind, after I told him the truth.

Even if I could, I wouldn’t want to return to him.

I’m sure he will forget about me before this letter is finished.

-

Matsuoka Hibiki sat hunched over the letter, once again in the living room of the Alduino’s apartment. Coming to see these lines almost every day had become habit for him. And although Gaspare had offered to lend him the note, he always refused. He couldn’t live with those kinds of memories scarring his studies, his home life. They had to remain here, where he could willingly be tortured by ghosts of his last encounter with her.

Despite the reluctant reminiscences he now held of her, he could still recall how unforced it was to be around her in the beginning. She was nothing like he had expected. Ueno Yuka held a soft presence – as an eloquent speaker, a poetic writer, and an effortlessly social companion to give a gentle air to his typically aloof attendance.

“Honestly, you toy with me too much, Matsuoka-san.”

He frowned, realizing the truth early on in her words. Perhaps he did push his limits. But could she blame him if he was unsure of how to handle another person? How to read their emotions correctly? Or say something to signal that he understood? He knew that maybe she was blind to it all, misreading his signals in addition to him missing hers. Was this personal failure truly a catalyst to her end?

“And you are so selfish, Matsuoka-san – using me for all of that.”

Sighing in agreement, Hibiki leaned back against the coffee table, sitting in the middle of the floor. In retrospect, he knew that he should have left it at “san”. Once they began over-thinking their relationship, he was certain that the problems had commenced there. In growing closer, they had made enemies out of each other in their minds; trying to become fierce competitors in the game they called their relationship. Their pride and paranoia were simply more dominant than any lingering feelings they felt for each other.

“Do I not satisfy you, to the point where you can’t stop thinking about me?”

He didn’t know what to do now. There would never be a chance for him to apologize for what he had done. There were no more chances for her to see the changes in his thoughts that had occurred.

“Do I bore you? You...never let me in, and I don’t think you ever will.”

The pain was increasing now with each word of hers that entered his mind. It was strange how clear her voice was, since he couldn’t remember the last time he had spoken with her. The words tinged with his own unpredictable temper had dissipated from his memory long ago.

“You don’t want me either, I’m sure of that, some days.”

Yet he couldn’t escape her image, defeated and ashamed when they had broken up. He found it hard to believe that he had just walked away, despite all of his anger and disappointment. But she was still alive then. There was no need to retaliate, at the time. No need to inflict more pain when she clearly knew the consequences of her actions with him.

Still, he had never expected her to fade away so unexpectedly. Not like this.

“But what I can’t figure out every single day...is why else you keep me around. I can never give you what you want.”

“You could have, I know you could have...if I tried harder,” Hibiki admitted quietly to himself. He closed his eyes, unable to find any more images of her in his immediate thoughts. But he could still feel her gentle breaths skim across his skin like a couple of light drops of rain. He sensed phantoms of her feathery soft hair run through his fingertips, exactly like the last time he had been beside her as she slept. And he heard her voice, reverberating through his soul with more power than he had ever expected her vocal chords would ever possibly carry. Maybe it was the shame that amplified it... or the fact that he had never quite opened his ears fully to her talent.

“If it’s not possible to come back

Without doubt, I will be your shadow

Always and everywhere, I remember that day

Give me your hope

I know that it’s necessary...”

Her voice started fading, leaving his senses frozen in expectation for the following lines. It felt as if Matsuoka Hibiki had been plunged deep underwater with the pull of Ueno Yuka’s memory dragging him deeper and deeper to the bottom. Nothing had felt as dismal or as veritable. But even with the weight of his nightmares, he forced himself to open his eyes, his vision reacting immediately to the presence of light.

He knew that his reality could have been much less lonely. After she left, he had lost all that had mattered to him – his title, his pride, and his ambition. Although he had never intended for her to become this close, she had slipped, seemingly effortlessly, under his skin. So for the first time in his life, he felt that he would be apologetic and actually mean it. He owed it to the first person he actually had come to love, no matter how late he realized it.

Exhaling gradually, Hibiki felt his thoughts gather with more clarity than they had previously. “I’m sorry Yuka-chan...I can’t stop thinking about you – and I don’t even know why.”

His body grew limp as the fatigue of a week’s worth of missed sleep was crawling along his strained nervous system. Yet he had to hold on, unlike how he had carelessly let her go. “I wanted to let you in. But I was too late to realize that it was possible for me.”

Slowly giving into rest seemed like the only option left to Matsuoaka Hibiki. Perhaps, when he next woke up, everything would be vastly different. He would be back at the top, with her beside him. All would be perfect. The life that he had been recently leading would be forgotten. Most importantly of all, he would start over, ignoring his previous mistakes to listen to her, to keep her there by his side.

“And I wanted you, Ueno Yuka. I...think you were the only person I’ve ever wanted. You wouldn’t have to give me anything at all – just knowing that you were there would have been enough. I...hope that makes you happy someday.”

random babble... Misty is genuinely exhausted (okay, maybe it has to do with going against the natural sleep pattern of the rest of my community...). so i heavily relied on some music this chapter - "I Don't Feel It Anymore" by William Fitzsimmons, "This Is the Future" by Owl City, and "We Build Then We Break" by The Fray.yep, imeem is saving me right now. merci et à plus (thanks and later)!