Emergence

Kade always said he loved Caitlyn because she was different. She was not like other girls. He was right. They had three days together, and on the first day she told him they had to make the most of it. He didn’t need telling.

“Today, we’re going to get on a train, and we’re not going to get off until the end. Then we’ll get on another train, going back the other way, and we’ll go back to where we started. Then we’ll get on another train, and go somewhere else. The whole day, we’ll just sit on trains.”

Kade had laughed nervously. “Why?” he had asked. “These are our only days together...we should make the most of them...”

Caitlyn had smiled brightly. “Exactly!” she cried. “This way we’ll be together all day. We’ll talk, and we’ll kiss -” she had grinned mischievously at that, and Kade had flushed. “-and we’ll be together. We’ll watch people, and at every station we’ll kiss. It’ll be magical. And besides,” she shrugged, “I’ve never been to the end of any train line except the Freo one! I’d like to see the other four sides of Perth!”

Kade had smiled, a sight Caitlyn delighted in. His smile was shy, cute. His hair fell over his eyes. “All right. If that’s what you want.”

“It’s what I want.”

“Well...let’s go.”

*

The train left at 9.00 in the morning.

Caitlyn insisted on a morning train ride, so they could see the sunrise shining in the windows. Kade, meek as ever, shrugged his shoulders in agreement. He did not want to argue with her this time. They only had three days. Why argue those few hours away?

They sat in one of the side-facing seats, so they could people-watch. Caitlyn bounced enthusiastically, while Kade smiled and blushed and hid behind his hair.

They had been together for three years now, and it had only been two months since he had gone to jail, but even so he was still shy of her, as if he had been on their first date for the past three years.

Especially after the accident, it had been as if they had to start from the beginning. Kade had gone, and now that he had come back, meeting Caitlyn had been like meeting with a stranger. Everything he’d known about her had changed. He was sure it was the same for her.

He looked at her warily now, as if waiting for her to accuse him. He had almost died, but he had not. Caitlyn’s best friend had not been so lucky. Would Caitlyn not blame him?

This question raced through his mind, plaguing him, and so he watched her, waiting for her to yell at him. But she only smiled.

*

Glendalough. Caitlyn squinted out the windows, thinking of her mother. Or her mother’s boyfriends, at least. One of them had lived here. She had always wanted to see Glendalough station. It was a pretty station, much nicer than Grant Street, much bigger. Much whiter, with much more plastic.

She saw Kade from the corner of her eye, watching the people on the station as the train pulled up. She saw the tenseness around his eyes, his clenched jaw, and his fidgeting hands. Pursing her lips, she followed his gaze, and took one of his hands in hers. She knew he looked at her then, frowning. He did not understand, she knew that.

She sighed. What had his name been? The mother’s boyfriend? David? Donald?

*

Kade yawned. He saw Caitlyn’s gaze flicker over him, saw her avert her eyes again. For an instant he had seen something in her eyes. And he knew it then. She hid her feelings well.

Clearing his throat, he sat up straight, leaning forward and gazing out the windows. He took a deep breath, trying to make it as quiet as possible. She must not know he knew. He would wait for her to bring it up. He had known it would come to this. She was going to tell him goodbye.

Clenching his jaw, he squeezed Caitlyn’s hand in his, and watched the woman in the red dress, struggling with six or seven shopping bags as she ran for the train.

*

He looked upset. Caitlyn rubbed her chin with her free hand, wondering what was in his head. What was he thinking?

Was he worried about going back to jail? Did he wish he had never got in that car? Caitlyn knew a few people who wished something along those lines. Gazing at him, she smiled. He was beautiful. But had he been worth losing a good friend?

After six months of asking herself that question, she had found no answers. Sighing, she leant over and kissed him. He must have not expected it, for he started violently. She smiled reassuringly at him, telling herself he had suffered as much as she. After all, he had all that guilt to deal with...

*

The old man hobbled along, sitting opposite them. On his head a few wisps of hair survived, but the rest had perished long ago. His eyebrows were hanging on, though. Caitlyn smiled faintly. She had wanted to grow old with Kade once. Did she still want that?

Thinking of all the mistakes she had made in her past, all the embarrassing things she’d done, she made a decision. She would try to forgive him. It might take time, but she had all the time in the world. She was young. By the time she was ready, Kade would be out of jail anyway.

The train pulled into Whitfords. Caitlyn smiled. She had always liked that name. Whitfords. It reminded her of white bread and the ocean, yachts and blue skies.

*

“...This train terminates here. All passengers please alight.”

She poked him in the ribs, jolting him into wakefulness. “We get off here, and now we go back.”

Kade blinked, looking as gorgeous as ever, and Caitlyn thanked herself for being able to forgive him.

But his eyes were troubled, and he watched her warily. His hands were hesitant in reaching out to hold hers, and he kept a distance between them. Caitlyn gazed into his eyes, and sure enough, he finally averted his gaze. He was doubting.

*

“...The train stops at all stations to Perth...”

“Good,” Caitlyn said, squeezing Kade’s shoulder. “We’ll be seeing every station from the other side.”

Kade smiled tiredly. “If it makes you happy,” he murmured. Finally, he says something, Caitlyn thought to herself, smiling at him as she thought it. He sounds afraid. He looks afraid. Of what?

“It does,” she said softly.

Caitlyn led him to another pair of sideways-facing seats, where they sat. His hand was limp in hers, and he seemed to lean away.

*

She stared at him more now. He didn’t know what she was thinking. Was she happy that he seemed to be distancing himself? Was she confused? Or had she hoped for this all along?

He let out a soft hissing sigh, trying not to let her know he ached inside. Why had this happened to him?

He had killed a friend, a close friend of his and Caitlyn’s, and now he would lose the person he loved most. How would he survive jail without her?

He watched the people rushing for the train as the doors began to close. He blinked.

*

Sometimes she missed Nancy so much she thought her guts had been ripped out.

Other times, she managed to get by without doubling over in agony. Those times were rare enough, but they seemed to be coming more often as time went on. Caitlyn was thankful. She could not have lived with the pain she had felt for much longer.

In court that day, she had seen in Kade’s face a pain so intense she had gasped. He looked like a drowned rat, barely clinging to life, breathing laboriously, staring into nothing. He had been shivering uncontrollably.

And she had hated him. She had been amazed that he dared look remorseful, or upset, for everyone else had lost something precious, but he had been the one to take it. He had killed Caitlyn’s best friend. Perhaps not intentionally, but the blame still lay at his feet. He had killed a beautiful, friendly, wonderful girl. He’d known it then, that day in court, and he seemed to know it now.

Caitlyn still marvelled at his incredible recovery. He seemed reasonably together now, though his eyes were haunted. She knew he still remembered. She was glad. He should remember for the rest of his life, even if it pained him to do so. He could not be allowed to forget, even if not forgetting caused him suffering that Caitlyn hated to see.

He’d killed her best friend, and yet she loved him.

West Leederville station. Another huge, plastic monster, it’s glass window’s flashing like eyes, metal bars forming teeth in a grinning mouth. Wasn’t the aim of this day to have fun?

Caitlyn shivered.

*

When she shivered, he leaned closer, hoping she would not push him away, and took her in his arms. To his immense relief, she sunk into his embrace. Perhaps he had been wrong? Perhaps she wasn’t going to let him go?

He forced himself to stop hoping for any such thing. If he began to belief it, he would take a great fall when it turned out she left him after all. He didn’t know if he could handle the disappointment.

Closing his eyes, he basked in the moment, knowing it would not last long.

*

Perth station.

Caitlyn looked at Kade, smiling sweetly. Kade was confused. Was he reading her wrong? Or was he not even reading her at all? Was she impossible to read? Some girls were. Nancy had been. Nancy had been a complete mystery to everyone, even Caitlyn. Nancy Covern was a mystery that would remain forever uncovered.

Kade shuddered at the thought. He shuddered because it was his fault that the mystery of Nancy would never be unravelled. He had killed her. Not intentionally, of course. But he’d killed her nonetheless. And the fact turned his blood cold in his veins.

He had never been able to confront his fears, or his guilt. If he confronted his guilt, he would in turn have to confront the reality of the past. He didn’t think he could handle that. Considering the way in which he’d dealt with Nancy’s death eight months ago, he did not think he would survive if anything else was put on him.

He needed to wait. He needed some time to deal with his guilt, to nurse himself back to health and sanity. God knew he would have time enough in jail. He had served two months of a fifteen year sentence. He had half his life to figure things out.

The thought was bitter in his mind. He knew he deserved what he got and worse, but he could not help feeling sorry for himself. His whole life would be wasted, and all because he’d wanted a couple of beers that night.

He saw Caitlyn watching him, and realised he was scowling openly. He quickly smoothed his face, smiling uncertainly at her. She smiled back, but she looked hesitant, worried.

Kade sighed. She should.

*

Caitlyn watched Kade, marvelling at how easily she could read his thoughts. He was thinking about Nancy and the accident, and he was feeling terrible. That much was painfully obvious. Caitlyn wished she could do something, anything, to ease his suffering. But she couldn’t, and she knew why. It was there still, standing between her and Kade, preventing her from forgetting, preventing her from being able to feel empathy for him as she should be.

It was her memory of Nancy that caused this space between them. It was her memory of her good friend, the best friend a person could have, and the way she had died eight months ago. It was the thorn in the side of her relationship with Kade. It would never go away.

She realised it then with a wave of crushing certainty. She could not forget, as she had thought to try. She might be able to forgive, but forever more there would be that doubt in her mind, that thorn. The memories had won, she thought to herself. The memories had claimed her as their own. Kade had lost the battle.

He would be in jail until he was thirty-two years old. He would come out an adult, having wasted half his life and having claimed another in the process. Kade was a doomed man. With that sort of mark beside his name, where could he get in life? What chance did he have?

He would have her, of course. She would never desert him. He had gone through this the same way as she had. It was, in a way, worse for him. To have to live with that guilt....

No, she would never desert him. He could rely forever on her. When he came out in fifteen years time, she would be there with open arms, waiting for him. Of that much, there was no question in her mind.

But there were other questions that buzzed around her like annoying flies, never leaving her in peace. Could she live at peace with all this? Could she live easily with Kade, while the terrible memories remained forever between them to plague them both? Could she and Kade have a normal life when there was such a dark secret in their past, a secret that bound them but also held them apart? Would she survive fifteen years without him? Would her thinking be the same when he finally came out again after one-and-a-half decades?

So many questions.

As she had Kade alighted the train, she searched for answers to them, any of them, but she found none. She probably never would, she knew. They were hopeless questions, and there was no hope of finding answers to them. Perhaps in fifteen years time she would have the opportunity to find some answers....perhaps things would change....

“Caitlyn....”

“Yes?” Caitlyn answered immediately, taking Kade’s hand.

“I....I think I’ve had enough for one day....let’s go home?”

His voice pleaded her, and she gazed at him thoughtfully, wondering if he’d been about to say something else. She shrugged lazily.

“Sure, if you like....I just thought this would be....a good way to spend time together. You know, just you and I? Travelling places, holding hands, kissing....just....being together....”

Kade smiled, but Caitlyn saw right through it. She saw his wounds shining brightly in his dark eyes, and knew he was no way near healed. He was still as shattered as he’d been the day he learned about Nancy while at the hospital. He was broken. And still he managed to smile.

Kade said, “Sure it was a good idea....we can do it again some other time....it’s just....I’m tired, and I just wanna relax, you know? We can talk....at home....”

Caitlyn smiled, and wondered if he could tell she was putting on a brave face.

“Sounds sweet to me,” she replied, and put an arm around his waist. “Let’s go.”

Inside she felt like crying.

*

Kade wondered if it’d been a wise idea, throwing Caitlyn’s plan back in her face like that. He hadn’t really thrown it in her face, but he might as well have, from the expression he’d seen on her face. She’d tried to hide it but had failed miserably. Perhaps he could read her after all?

He hadn’t known what to do, but he had known that another couple of hours on the trains would not have helped his situation at all. He probably would have broken down in the middle of a crowded train, saying aloud all that he felt inside. It could have been disastrous. He could not afford to risk that kind of disaster. He had to hold himself together, at least until he got back to prison. Then he could cry all he liked....just not in front of Caitlyn. Not in front of Caitlyn.

He clenched his jaw and blinked back unshed tears, promising himself that he would hold on to his composure until he was away from Caitlyn. If she saw how messed up he was inside, it could kill her.

*

“They want to have a party for you,” Caitlyn said tentatively, watching Kade’s face carefully for a reaction. “They’re back on Thursday. They want their time with you.”

Kade stares at her. He stares, and he frowns. Caitlyn thinks she knows what he is thinking. He is shit-scared. Seeing everybody again? Being faced with all those uncomfortable silences? The thought alone should be enough to terrify him.

“We kind of...have to go, you know,” Caitlyn says, putting her hand on his cold one. She hates doing this to him. She must. Somewhere deep down inside, she longs to see him squirm.

“I can’t,” Kade gasps. “How can I?” He swallows.

“Kade,” she begins.

“No.” He pulls away. “What if Katherine’s there? What if Anaise turns up? Michael... Bruce Kennedy...” He shakes his head. “I can’t do it, Cait. Sorry, but I can’t.”

Caitlyn takes his hand again. It is warmer now. Katherine and Anaise. Nancy’s sisters. Her boyfriend Michael, and her guilty fantasy Bruce K. It’s no wonder Kade looks nauseous at the thought of facing them all.

“I don’t think they’ll be coming,” she says gently, smiling sadly.

“I spose they know the party’s for me,” he says gruffly, hiding behind his hair.

“Well, it is meant to be your party.” She sighs. “We can’t just curl up and die. We’ve gotta get out and live. It’s just...there’s no point otherwise.”

“There’s no point, full-stop,” he mutters darkly, turning his head away. “I just think I should go back. Maybe I’d get points for turning myself in early.”

“Don’t be stupid.” Caitlyn glares at him. “’I wish you wouldn’t...”

“What? Sulk? Be sad?” He turns to face her. “I’m sorry if I’m a bit down.”

“Kade, you’ve got to try.”

He gives no answer immediately, just sits there in silence. Finally he looks at her with a grave expression. “Cait...it’s like Trent Reznor said. ‘I tried, I gave up.’ This is me giving up, ‘cause… I have tried. I’ve tried, and I’ve failed. So...that’s it.”

“You know, if Trent gave up, how come he’s still alive?”

“Dunno. Must be some freak of nature.”

“You know what?” Caitlyn says, eyes flashing in sudden anger, “You’re really pissing me off.”

And she walks away.

*

Dissolution

He calls up the Parole Officer but gets the answering machine. He fights the urge to punch a hole in the nearest wall, knowing his mother doesn’t deserve that. The wall doesn’t either – it’s just a bystander.

Gritting his teeth he waits for the telltale beep, then mutters into the receiver, “Hey, it’s… I’m ready to come back. Whenever, I’ll come in. I wanna go back. So…yeah. Oh, it’s Kade Brody. Thanks.”

*

He cries when he finds out there is no going back. Rules are rules, and in spite of the fact that he’s unspeakably insane for volunteering to go back to the slammer, it isn’t going to happen. Not unless he kills somebody else. And hopefully he won’t turn out to be that desperate. Surely petty theft would do? Point is, he can’t just waltz back in. It’s taxpayers’ money keeping him fed, washed, clothed and sheltered in there. Does he really expect that sort of handout, just ‘cause he’s feeling guilty?

The Officer didn’t really say all that, but Kade heard the unspoken message anyway. And he cried. He’s still crying. He might cry forever if he keeps seeing Nancy Walker’s face every waking moment and every sleeping moment. That beautiful face.

*

He decides to move to a new town. His heart has already been torn out, but if he tries to face Caitlyn before he leaves, he knows he’ll be dust. Maybe he should be dust. Still, he selfishly can’t do it – can’t face her. He can’t torture himself that one last time. He’s going to run like a coward, because a coward is what he is. Kade Brody, worst coward the world ever saw.

Caitlyn knocks on the door, and it is answered by Carrie Brody, the mother who never approved. The woman’s eyes darken as they fall upon Caitlyn, and she crosses her arms over her chest in a sign of blunt dismissal. She says nothing.

Caitlyn clears her throat. “Mrs. Brody, I… I’m wondering if Kade’s in?”

The woman’s mouth tightens, and her eyes smolder. Can it be hate Caitlyn sees in them? Surely Caitlyn hasn’t truly managed to earn anyone’s hatred during her short years? Is she really such a bad soul?

“Kade’s not here. You oughta know he’s gone – moved away. Thanks to you, I’d say I’ll never see my son again. Left a note and everything. Ungrateful…still, I don’t put all the blame on his shoulders. Young shoulders – should never have gone to jail, you know? Messed him up. And I gotta say it all started ‘round the time he met you.”

Caitlyn’s eyes widen, but she’s still stuck on the part where Kade’s skipped town.

“Where…where’d he go?” she says in disbelief, unable to comprehend the fact that maybe, just maybe, her one true love has left her without so much as a phone call.

“None of your business,” the mother snaps. “Now get out of here. I don’t want to see you again. You’re a reminder of too many bad things.”

The door shuts and Caitlyn stands for a moment, contemplating oak. Then she turns and shuffles down the walkway, feeling numb all over.

*

Her heart shatters hours later, as she sits in her room and recalls how Kade’s car wasn’t in the driveway, how the evil mother’s words rang with truth – the parts about Kade leaving, anyway. How Kade hadn’t been handling the real world too well. How he’d been desperate to avoid contact with anyone from the past.

The past in which Caitlyn had starred prominently.

Her heart shatters and she cries herself to sleep. In her dreams she’s crying too.