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pretty

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I saw her here last, I'm sure of it. __________________-- It was here in this field, here in this park.//// Only it wasn't raining then. /////And the skies weren't black. It was sunny, oh so sunny. ____Feelings associate with weather.______ It feels like such a long time ago that we were standing here together, her eyes locked upon mine and my eyes locked on hers. The pretty memory splits into double vision////// and everything goes blurry. It all goes blurry and my eyes start to fill up with tears because I can't see her and I can't remember exactly what she looks like. The two ghosted pieces of her finally sync back together, but her face is still vague.\\\\\Still blurry.\ _______________// I can make out her eyes clear as day once again, and my heart speeds up but my breath slows to a stop._______________________- I saw her here, it was here and I'm sure of it. I know I did. //// She was lookin' up at me with those pretty bright eyes, those baby blue eyes that would cast spells on me.________________ Those eyes that would send shivers down my spine. _______________________ Those eyes that I loved. _______/_______________Those eyes that I resented. _____|||||||||||||||||_________ I feel sick to my stomach and my chest is on fire.____________Dizziness.___________ I'm burning up. ///////////////////// Words can't describe. Eyes dry and painfully rolling around their sockets. I'm too afraid to blink. I want to see her, but not like that. / / / / / / |This was where she was. Here, exactly this spot. Fall to my knees in the muddy grass and try to relax in her spot.///////////// Try not to think about how long it's been.|| I want it to feel like yesterday, but it doesn't. It wasn't. When was it?|||| ____ ||||My brain hurts as if I'd been smashed in the forehead (with a claw hammer) repeatedly and shards of skull fragment smashed into the center of my brain and it hurts, it hurts IT (fucking) HURTS to think about her, to think about her pretty face, to think about her smile, those white teeth framed by luscious red lips, caked with lipstick.//////////////// Your face was so alive, so alive and covered in make up that you looked animated, like a model for perfection and beauty and my heart would sink every time EVERY_____TIME that I would see you. The only thing I cared about before I met you was me (it was MYSELF) that was the only thing that ever mattered in my life and when you came along I don't know what came over me, I don't know what happened. I don't know what you did to me but you had me, you had me right in the palm of your hand at all times. ////\\ Never again would I be the same.\\\///////// It needed to end, it absolutely had to end because it was k i l l i n g me inside and you knew that you were killing me so I brought you here and this was the place. T h i s wa s the place, I'm sure of it, only it wasn't so wet. [][][][][][][][][][][] This was the place I last saw you. This is the last place you said my name and it would mean so much to me if you could say it again, but you can't because you aren't here anymore. //////~~~~~ I called you here and you greeted me with a smile and your soft voice welcomed me. You wanted to know what we were here for. You wanted to know why I had a k n i f e. S u c h a p r e t t y l i t t l e t h i n g , s o p r e c i o u s a n d i g n orant. Before you knew what was happening_______before even I knew what was happening_______you began to scream. Your scream s e n d i n g s h i v e r s d o w n m y s p i n e t h e w a y your eyes do.// //// I could never keep eye contact with you, you know that?\ \ \ I generally couldn't handle the way you made me feel, but this time this time I reveled in it. ||||||||||||| If only I could bathe in your voice____________if only I could go to sleep with you__________if only I had never met you. What have I become? What is this you've done to me? To love someone as much as you hate them. These are confusing feelings. M y m in d i s f a l l i n g a p a r t a n d i t i s n ' t j u s t t h e c l a w h a m m e r talking.////// My grip tightens and the hammer isn't even there. \\\ So it couldn't talk if it wanted to.__________So, there you have it. I'm falling sideways into the mud, the wet grass causing my face to itch. /Right eye clouds over with blood and closes. /With my left eye, I can see clearly as raindrops splash against a sea of grass. /A droplet forces my other eye closed and in the darkness I c a n h e a r m u s i c i n t h e d i s t a n c e . Violins and pianos play a soft symphony with a backdrop of yo u r s w e e t s e r e ne s c r e a mi n g . {}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{}{Your last words calling out my name. ///Begging for it all to b e over, praying to be saved._________________ I can even hear my whisper telling you that it will a l l b e ov e r s o o n, and that we'll be together forever and ever throughout all of eternity, my soft voice telling you too unconvincingly that I loved you and it was for the better this way, I know this all may sound silly or weird but it isn't, it's beautiful like you are and you'll understand because you're beautiful too and maybe it hurts now but in the end is what matters and in the end we'll be together, so you can relax on that note and sit back and enjoy the sleep, because it's the best sleep you'll ever have and I start to wonder if I was whispering this then, or if I'm whispering it now. When I put you to sleep, I didn't count on it ruining your beautiful image, but it did, so I tried not to look at it as I cut you up further and tried to consume you as you were consuming me all those years, but I couldn't do it. I just couldn't do it. I let you down, I let me down, I let eternity down. There was just so much blood that stained the grass a dark purple, there was just so much of it that I got sick to my stomach, kind of like now but worse and I started to cry, I did, there's no sense in lying about it I cried and cried and cried and cried as I tried to eat you but you ________--------weren't near as pretty on the inside as you were on the outside and-----__________didn't taste NEAR as good as I thought you would||||||||||| || ||| | || .. . . . . ||||| | | | || || || | || | || || | || | || || | | || | | | || || || | . | |. | | | | . | |. |. . . .|. |. | .| . |. |. |. | .| .| .| . |. |. . . . . ..... .. .. . .. . ... .. . . .. . . |||| | m y h e a d h u r t t t t t t s .