Muse

I don’t know why it hit so hard,

The shattering of my bubble,

But knowledge flooded in

Overwhelming me

If I’d done it all differently

Would it have turned out the same?

If I’d been more forward

Would this have happened?

Kicking myself for writing

Yet another sappy poem

I start typing anyway

Hoping I can write through this numbness

Knowledge is indeed power

Ignorance is indeed bliss

Though there is bliss in the power

And pain in the bliss

I have oft compared my life

To that of a marionette

One with a sadistic puppeteer

And now I laugh at that comparison

I am my own puppeteer

My own jailer

And yet again I must live

With the mistakes I have made

But the numbness hurts less now

Though the distress is more acute

I see them asking why

And I have no answers

The writer is at a loss for words

Though it doesn’t really seem to matter

What good are words when not in use?

And what do I have to say?

I would tell you that I care

That I’m sorry

That despite my own better judgement

I managed to fall for you

But who knows if you’re listening.

I could scream it to the heavens,

But would you listen?

Would you care?

Never fear, I will survive,

I always do

Pick myself back up

After getting knocked down

I have the best friends anyone could ask for

Who aren’t afraid to tell me to buck up

When I let my stupid emotions

Get the better of me

I don’t even know why I’m writing

Nothing has been decided.

And it’s admittedly too early

To make rational decisions

And this sounded better in my head

Before I tried to write it down

But I’ve given up hoping

And it’s time for me to act

Though that action has yet to be determined

It will be most

Uncharacteristic.

You have been warned.

And now I find myself sitting here

At 1:30 in the morning

Typing to no one and making faces at the screen

All because I wasn’t more assertive at the start of this mess

Sometimes I do wish my dreams were real

Where I have no fears

Where I can say what I feel

And I don’t have to worry about the reaction

But my life isn’t a dream, is it?

And one of these days the whole truth will come out

But not today

I don’t think you want to hear it