Can I ask this one last wish of you?

Just This Once

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“I would press my ear near your heart and go down deep into the place where I hear that voice and meet you once again.”
~ Konayuki; Remioromen

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He stuffed his hands into the deep pockets of his coat and stared unseeingly at the horizon. The pale winter sky stretched across the horizon. Buildings of every kind imaginable peppered his view. A hint of spring approaching tinged the otherwise frosty air. A gentle breeze blew; ruffling his dark hair. He breathed in deeply. It did little to calm his chaotic feelings. He leaned against the ledge, his back against the world and mused.

Ten years ago, he was a carefree kid who couldn't care less about education despite his intelligence. He never counted on helping the clumsy girl who injured herself and bringing her to the school nurse's office. And he never thought he'll take the entrance exams and enter the same senior high school his elder brother went to. But alas, he did.

Nine years ago, he hadn't expected to befriend the same girl he helped on the day of entrance exam. He never expected her to excel in the things and activities that she was involved with. Neither did he expect that she remembered him and wanted to be his friend. He never knew that he would care or watch out for her - even from a distance initially.

Eight years ago, he never counted on being the first to discover that she was diagnosed with a disease. From then on, he was surprised that they became quite close. He always thought they were the oddest sort of friends. But he was always there for her when their classmates became distraught.

Seven years ago, he never thought he would enjoy high school life as much as he did. At the back of his mind, he knew that somehow she was partly the reason for his happiness. But he never knew that her dream to graduate from high school was dashed when she was forced to transfer to another school.

Six years ago, he never thought he would view the world differently. Nor did he ever think he'll pursue the path of a doctor - a path which he swore never to tread because of his father. Six years later, he knew he did that because of his uncharacteristic need to help others - specifically her.

Five years ago, he never thought she'll push him away out of fear. Fear that she would not have the courage to continue living. Fear of the insecurity she feels around him. Fear that she'll get too caught up in her dreams. Dreams she fervently wished for but can never come true.

Twelve months ago he was posted to the university hospital where she was hospitalized since she was twenty. It had been 5 long years since then. He thought that she'll be upset to see him. He was more than surprised yet pleased that she missed him terribly during that time.

Ten months ago he was amazed that she still smiled sunnily at him despite her rapidly deteriorating condition. He took her to the aquarium then. He was amused when she said she wanted to be a dolphin. But that remark spurred him to buy her a gift - a pink phone strap with a dolphin attached to it. It matched with the blue strap he bought for himself. "We may not be dolphins but we can communicate like one," he said. She smiled one of her brightest smiles while cradling her phone to her chest. "Thanks.. it's really thoughtful of you."

Eight months ago he never worked so hard trying to find a cure. He put up a brave face in front of her but he was scared. He was truly scared. Never had he felt so desperate to do something. Anything.

Six months ago he was still smiling despite the inevitable hurt he knew he had to endure in the near future. Her speech was deteriorating too. It was becoming hard for her to speak.

Six months ago he thought he knew what it's like to lose someone but he realized he didn't know a thing at all. Not till the day she went away.

Six months ago he never felt this lost.

Six months ago he acquired a patient diagnosed with the same disease her. She was a young girl - a sophomore in high school.

Six months ago he wasn't reprimanded by her younger sister who is now a trainee nurse for losing sight of himself as a doctor. Her words never hurt that much till now.

Six months ago he never thought he'd be here, musing atop the roof of the university hospital.

But all of that were six months and ten years ago. This is now.

Just maybe... He fished out his phone and scrolled through his phone book. When his eyes found her name, his fingers moved of its own accord to press the 'Call' button. His hand belied the shakiness his felt when he held the phone to his ear. No dial tone. No caller ring tone either. Nothing except for a smooth voice which spoke, "Sorry. The number you have dialed is not in service. Harap maaf. Nombor yang-"

He hung up and closed his phone with a snap. The dolphin figure attached to the blue phone strap felt cold against his palm. Sinking to the ground with his head bowed, he pocketed his silver phone. The dam he built for his emotion was leaking lately. Now, his locked up emotions gushed out like a flood of water. Never had he lose control over the rein on his emotions. It was nothing like this when he lost his elder brother to a freak accident nearly thirteen years ago. But then again, this time it was different. He never lost the only person he ever lived his life for.

"Live on forever... for me." She had smiled - albeit weakly - at him when she said that. All he could do then was gently squeeze her hand in affection. Her words had always held meaning for him but those five words - her last spoken few during her final days - weighed the most.
"I will," he promised solemnly. She went to sleep, a smile still on her pale face. He gently covered her with the blankets and sat quietly at her bedside. I love you, He whispered to her. Though her eyes were closed, he swore that her smile widen by a fraction as if to say I know, I love you too. He was contented just to sit and watch her.

The days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months. All that followed were a blur. Indifference became his mask and he lost sight of himself with each passing day. Perhaps his mind refused to face reality and his heart in denial of the fact that she has passed away. It affected him more than he cared to admit. But this morning, it all came back to him with disquiet clarity. It's been six months and the pain of losing her still felt so raw. Alas, he lost the tenuous hold he had on his emotional reins.

Staring up at the wintry sky, he let the dammed tears fall. "I just wanted to hear your voice one last time..." he whispered brokenly.

- The End -

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