Chest Hairs Roasting On An Open Fire

Merry Xmas ’08 #5 (Dec. 23)

SUMMARY: “I’m guessing you’re not roasting chestnuts.” “Nope.” “Are those… hairs?” “Yeap. Chest hairs, actually.”

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own “Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire.”

Brady had pulled the short straw, which in this case, he was the lucky winner of a no-expenses paid trip to the nearest mall, where he was to buy an extensive list of what he deemed useless trifles but what his older sister Valerie insisted were “vital to their health” and his older brother Ross had growled, “and their purchase is vital to your health.”

In other words, he got to do the last-minute Christmas shopping, which, from experience (when their clan was younger and his mother had more energy, she would cart the whole lot of them to the mall), he knew really really sucked. Especially on December 23rd, which was only minutely better than shopping on the 24th.

So, with a sigh, Brady trudged towards the doors of the looming mall and was surprised to see a giggly group of girls (say that five times fast) outside, surrounded by what looked suspiciously like a bonfire.

“Is that a bonfire?” he asked them unabashedly. Growing up with three sisters (and two brothers) meant that Brady had no problems talking to girls.

“Yes,” the one holding a stick answered gleefully.

“I’m guessing you’re not roasting chestnuts,” he remarked dryly.

“Nope.”

“I’m also guessing you’re not roasting marshmallows,” he continued.

“Nope,” she answered again, still grinning broadly.

He peered as closely as he dared into the fire. It looked like there was some kind of paper on her stick… and on the paper there was…

“Are those… hairs?” he asked incredulously.

“Yeap,” she replied happily. “Chest hairs, actually.”

He jumped back a few feet, which made her friends laugh. “Why in the hell are you burning chest hairs?”

“They’re my ex’s,” she smirked. “Ellie helped me retrieve them.” Brady glanced around the fire and spotted Ellie, who was waving at him and looking just as gleeful as the recently dumped girl.

“Er.” He was still shocked by the fact that she was burning someone’s chest hairs. “When did he break up with you?”

“At the dance a few weeks back,” she spat.

“Ouch,” Brady replied sympathetically. “I’m sorry.”

She waved him off. “It’s fine. This is actually really therapeutic.”

“Really?” Brady asked, more than a little freaked out, keeping a safe distance from the fire.

“Mhmm,” she continued, “but admittedly, it does get a little boring after awhile. I’m guessing you were going into the mall?”

“Yeah,” Brady replied a little warily.

“Here, why don’t we keep you company? It’s not like we have better things to do, right, guys?” She looked around at her friends.

“Er.” Brady did live with four girls (including his mom), but he did try to avoid spending more than an hour with all four of them. And there were five girls here.

“It’s alright, Evelyn,” one of her friends said with a smirk and a sly glance at me that, if possible, freaked me out even more. “We have to go home. You can get a ride from ah…”

“Brady,” I supplied.

“What if he’s an axe murderer?” the girl (who I now knew was Evelyn) demanded with a raised eyebrow.

“Not an axe murderer,” I confirmed.

“Well,” the one named Ellie said, “I’m sure he’s not, considering he probably would’ve killed us now if he was, and I’m sure he’s realized by now you could do much worse to him than whatever he would do to you.”

“True,” I nodded fiercely with a gulp.

Evelyn laughed. “Alright, then. Into the mall we go… Brady?”

“That’s me,” Brady said a little shakily. “Really, you don’t need to come with me.”

She laughed again. “I’m really not that bad, I promise.”

He gestured at the now dead fire. “You were… burning…”

She smiled warmly at him. “Come on, where do you need to go first?”

Brady soon discovered that last-minute Christmas shopping wasn’t so bad with a willing partner (he knew from personal experience that it was quite bad when the partner was unwilling, seeing as his other older brother Dexter had dragged Brady along once and forced Brady to seek out the items), especially one who was kinda cute and actually a good conversationalist.

“Wait… you have five siblings?” Evelyn clarified. “And you’re the… fourth oldest?”

“Or third youngest, as I’m often reminded,” Brady added dryly. “Smack dab in the middle, and now that I can drive, my older siblings have forced most of their chauffeur duties on me.”

She patted his shoulder sympathetically and chuckled. “So, is this horde of children thing new or has it passed down through generations?”

“As far as I know,” Brady answered, “It’s new. My dad only has a younger sister. My mom has three siblings… I suppose we get it from there.”

“Except much more extreme.” She corrected with a small smile. “I think you said your dad’s British, right?”

“Righto.” Brady grinned.

“So does he have a sexy accent?” Evelyn asked with a smirk.

“Ugh,” Brady shuddered. “Why do girls always ask that? Well, apparently my mom thought so, or there wouldn’t be six of us.”

“True,” Evelyn laughed.

“Well, what about you? All I know about you is that you have a vindictive streak and an ex boyfriend?”

She rolled her eyes, but said, “Oh, I suppose you’re right. But as I said, the streak’s Ellie’s, not mine. The whole idea was hers, too.”

“I have to feel just a bit sorry for him.”

“Mm, don’t. He deserved it.”

“I’m sure he did, but do you understand how painful that must have been?”

“He did scream,” she said thoughtfully. “But, you know, you guys don’t have any idea of how painful a period is.”

Brady cringed. “Actually, I do. My sisters like to remind me. A lot. I don’t think we go a week without someone else moaning and groaning.”

“Oh, that’s right, the three sisters,” Evelyn said, as if she had just remembered. “Well, maybe you do know.”

“Yup. So, anyway, back to you, Miss Evelyn.”

“Well I like candlelit dinners and moonlit walks on the beach,” she said, fluttering her eyes.

“Haha. Very funny.”

“Alright, alright. Well, I actually like dinners cooked by my dad and building sand castles with my little brothers.”

“Aha! So you do have siblings!”

She laughed. “I never said I didn’t.”

Brady rolled his eyes. “Whatever. Well, elaborate.”

“I’m the oldest of three. I have two little brothers; one’s thirteen and one’s six.”

Brady whistled. “That’s quite an age difference.”

Evelyn shrugged. “I’m used to it by now. In any case, Kyle – he’s the teenager – is such a brat now, and the only good thing about him is that he helped with the chest hair thing.”

“You still haven’t told me how you guys did that,” Brady reminded her.

She grinned cheekily. “It was easy, really. Kyle went in on the pretense of playing video games, then Ellie and I charged in, me brandishing fly paper. Kyle and Ellie tackled Jason, my ex, and I tore off his shirt and flypapered his chest.”

Brady cringed again. “Wow, I really do feel sorry for him.”

“Well, at least you’ll know what happens if you ever break up with me badly.”

Brady turned towards Evelyn, a look of complete shock on his face. “What?”

She ducked her head as pink crept into her cheeks. “Well, I mean, I’m not assuming anything, but…”

He chuckled. “Are you free on Sunday?”

She smiled and bit her lip, her eyes twinkling. “Yeah.”

“Great.” He grinned back at her. “By the way, I was just surprised earlier because I didn’t think you were ready. After you know, Jason.”

Evelyn laughed. “Brady, I’m pretty sure that it’s quite clear I’m over him if I’m roasting his chest hair on an open fire. Is four okay with you?”

“Four’s fine. I’m assuming you mean in the afternoon.”

“No, in the morning,” she drawled dryly.

Brady laughed. “Well, just don’t flypaper my chest and burn my chest hair if I’m a little late.”

A/N: Really late, sorry, but I had a lot of trouble finishing this one. I feel the ending's kinda crappy (tell me what you think). And this one is most definitely not my best - sorry for that as well. I liked the idea, though, and I tried to run with it. Hopefully not as bad as '07's #7 (which was bad, haha). A list of what should be coming up in the next couple days:

#6 (Dec. 25), #7 (Dec. 28), and finally, #8 (Dec. 31). Obviously I'm quite behind. As always, constructive criticism or just a review is appreciated. (: