To Feel the Sun

by Aurette

Chapter Seventeen

My life was a freaking whirlwind. Carlin must have been scared shitless by whatever Jonah said to him. And I had a feeling what Jonah said was a lot more than a punch in the mouth and a threat of a lawsuit. Well, okay, so it might have been that at it's bare bones. But the particulars of the lawsuit could be varied, and Jonah refused to tell me. I was pretty sure I didn't want to know.

“Are you sure she's really sorry?” Jonah asked as I tossed my clothes back in my bag. It was only a couple days since Sarah had kicked me out, and now? Now I had no idea what was going on.

“Are you just asking because you want me to stay?” I rolled up Jonah's robe and tossed it in.

“I'm serious, Grace. What if she's not?”

“Why would she text me if she wasn't?”

Jonah shrugged. “I don't know. I'm just worried about you, that's all.”

I smiled, and hugged him quickly. “Thanks, Jonah. I know you're worried, but it'll be fine. Sarah forgets easily, remember?”

Jonah just shrugged, and I moved to grab my purse. “Hey, was that my robe?”

“I don't know what you're talking about,” I answered breezily. I looped my purse strap over my shoulder, and hauled up my bag. “Thank you so much, Jonah. I really do appreciate everything you've done for me. You went above and beyond the call of duty to help me out.”

Jonah stared at me. I smiled, but I felt my lips tremble from the effort.

“Anything to say?”

Jonah turned away. I blinked a few times. “Guess not then.” I dragged the bag towards the door. Three weeks of clothing really hadn't been necessary. But I guess neither Sarah nor I expected Jonah threatening Carlin within an inch of his life.

As I moved past Jonah, he grabbed my arm. “Dammit, Gracie, aren't you going to-” He cut himself off, and dropped his hand. “I'm sorry.”

It was my turn to stare at Jonah. He had turned away again, though I could tell he was clenching his jaw. No doubt in frustration. I furrowed my brow. I didn't know what his deal was. “Thanks again.”

Jonah just nodded, and wouldn't look at me as I left his bedroom. I glanced once more at the back of his head, and continued on my way. I never would understand that man, would I? I shook my head, and continued on my way home. I got a cab in lieu of the subway, so my bag of clothes wouldn't bump into anyone. When I got home, Sarah was waiting for me when I knocked. I had a key, but I figured knocking to announce my reentry into Sarah's life was easier.

“Gracie.”

Sarah opened the door, and I squeezed in. “That's my name,” I replied, and dropped the bag of clothes on the couch.

“I don't know what to say.”

“How about, 'I'm sorry I'm a selfish bitch?'”

Sarah actually took a step back at my tone. “I, I'm not sure I really do believe everything.”

“But you apologized.”

Sarah looked at her feet. “Well, Carlin changed his story pretty quickly.”

I bit my lip. If I told her Jonah had threatened him, she would really not believe me. “Call Danielle and get her opinion, then you'll understand.” I grabbed the bag again and hauled it into my room. I started putting the clothes away in their places, and Sarah came to stand at my door.

“Gracie. I really am sorry, even if I'm still fuzzy on the details. I should have listened to you. I'm just so angry about Liam.”

“Just because I can't keep my mouth shut doesn't mean I'll sleep with some guy, Sarah.” I folded my clothes neatly and shoved them into a drawer not so neatly.

“The rational part of my brain is telling me that's true. You're the same Gracie who would stutter when a cute guy talked to her in Junior High.” Sarah leaned against the door frame and clutched it tightly with her hand. “But the irrational part of my brain is jealous that you are the better singer and won't even sing in public. Do you remember our freshman year at NYU when we did that program of Celtic music and you got two solos and I got one?”

I nodded.

“I gave Jonah that CD last year for Christmas, remember?” Sarah let go of the door frame. “He knows your voice so well that he knew that was you singing on 'Siuil a Ruin', and not me.”

“What does that have to do with you being a bitch to me?”

“Nothing. I just wanted to tell you that I'm grateful that Jonah took you in when I kicked you out.”

I stared at her, wondering how her mind worked. She was even more disjointed than Danielle had been on the phone. “Does everyone know how Jonah feels about me?”

Sarah chuckled, though it was a mirthless sound. “I had a feeling he was smitten with you.”

“Is that why you never went after him? And not just because you run through men like underwear?”

She glared at me. I suppose I wasn't too charitable in my tone. But I was still incredibly angry with her. My twin just frowned, though, and continued on. “I suppose, in a way. But I wasn't sure at all. Just sometimes, I'd catch him looking at you.”

“That's what Danielle said.”

“You're not going to forgive me, are you?”

I spun on my heel and pulled Jonah's robe from the bag, and hung it in the bathroom. Sarah followed me, several paces behind. “Whose is that?” she asked when I didn't answer.

“Jonah's.”

“You stole his bathrobe?”

“Sarah, do you really think I'll forgive you for kicking me out of our apartment, when we have a co-lease no less, just because you said you're sorry?” I turned around, and came face to face with my sister. She looked stricken.

“No, I don't. I just hope that maybe we can start actually being twins. Instead of Sarah the Bitch and Gracie the Passive Aggressive.”

I ran my hands through my hair and looked at the girl I'd grown up with for my entire life, who I knew better than myself. “Sarah, I love you. Don't doubt that. But do you have any idea how much you hurt me?”

She had the decency to look ashamed. She fidgeted, playing with the hem of her t-shirt. “Gracie, I know words can't make up for what I said to you. Considering it was hurt over Liam and jealousy that I couldn't even find one guy who would stick around and you had Simon and Carlin and now Jonah.”

I frowned. “I didn't have Simon. And Carlin wanted to cheat on his wife with me. I'm not so lucky as you think, Sarah.”

My sister shook her head, and looked at the photo on my dresser. We were in our graduation gowns, standing in the NYU grounds, with our parents on one side, grandparents on the other. Standing a bit aways, looking both awkward but happy, was Jonah. Jonah was such a part of our lives, but not a part of our family. It was strange in a way, that he was always there at our major family events. Strange, but I think he enjoyed it. Though he never let on.

“No. You're far luckier than you think, Gracie.”

I would be lying if I said Sarah and I returned to our friendship with ease. We didn't. It was tough and hard. We got snappish with each other. Things that we would have let side just days ago were now driving us up the wall. Sarah couldn't stand my clutter in the kitchen. I couldn't stand her hogging the TV. I hated her coming in at the crack of dawn after drinking with the cast of Phantom, and she hated my refusal to talk to Simon. I didn't want to talk to him. Cassie was very surprised I forgave her, but I didn't, not really. I moved back because it was my home, and Sarah didn't have the right to kick me out. I didn't accept her apology, and Sarah knew it.

She had a very, very long road to earning back my trust, and we weren't making it easy on each other. Sarah's natural inclination to blame everything on anyone else but herself was still there, though she was learning. She wasn't very willing to admit she was completely wrong either, but we were getting there. At least we could talk without yelling at each other all of the time. Her words still hurt me very much, even if it was clear she felt bad about them. You don't forget words easily. And I didn't forgive her.

Days passed, and I finally eased into a sense of normalcy. Danielle came home, and moved in with her parents and served Carlin papers. Carlin took Jonah's threat of a lawsuit to heart, and he was admitting fault in both the divorce, and the rumors that I had tried to proposition him. It didn't make me feel too much better, except that my friends were slowly coming around to my side. Cassie, horrified at the whole situation, found a copy of Crimewave and a copy of Terminal Invasion, two Bruce Campbell movies we hadn't seen, and we continued on our tradition. Cassie thought it was the cutest thing ever that Jonah had joined me for Bruce Campbell therapy one night, though I didn't let on to Jonah's deep feelings for me. People, of course, suspected that he had a thing for me after this whole debacle. No one knew just how deep it ran.

As for my relationship with Jonah, I didn't know what I was doing. At work, we continued our shared lunches, but we never spoke about feelings or love. Jonah, because he didn't talk about those things, and me, because I had no idea what to say to him.

About two weeks after I moved back in with Sarah, Jonah was off to hear the verdict of the Shatterfield case. I was fielding phone calls from various press agents and the like. It was remarkable how many people tried to call the firm before the verdict was announced in the court room, thinking we somehow magically had it before the judge did or anything.

I heard the elevator ping, and stood up. I assumed it was Jonah coming back with good news, but instead saw it was Laura McKenna, the girl who played Christine in Sarah's show. She did a double take when she saw me. “Sarah?”

I raised my eyebrows.

“Oh wait, Gracie. Sorry.” She smiled, and strode forward to shake my hand again.

“Can I help you?”

Laura was confused for a moment. I guess she never heard of working for one's parents before. “Can you direct me to Jonah O'Mara's office, please?”

“He is out of the office at the moment,” I replied, my typical response crisp with an edge. Laura made me edgy. “You can make an appointment for sometime in the next week, if you like.”

“Oh, I'm not here on legal matters.” Laura waved her hand, dismissing my not-so-ignorant suggestion. “I wanted to speak to him about private matters.”

“Mr. O'Mara is very busy, Ms. McKenna.”

“You really have that secretary act down pat, don't you?” Laura smirked, and I fought the urge to hurl my cell phone into that pretty nose of hers. “As a friend of your sister's, can you give me his phone number or something?”

My mouth dropped open. “Are you seriously asking me for Jonah's phone number? If you want it so badly, why don't you ask Sarah?”

Laura was either very dense, or she really honestly didn't care if someone was insulting her. “She's been too busy with everything. Come on, please?” She smiled prettily.

“I'm not going to give you some guy's phone number, personally or professionally.”

“Why not?”

I was about to reply when the elevator pinged again. “Gracie!” I looked over Laura's shoulder to see Jonah jump off the elevator. He ran past Laura and pulled me into his arms. “We got a not guilty verdict! He got off!” He twirled me in a circle before I could get a word in edgewise. “Do you have any idea what this is going to do for our publicity? We're the champion of the underdog!”

“Uh, Jonah?” I asked, staggering a bit when he finally put me down.

“What?”

I pointed at Laura. He pulled back as he saw her staring at us in complete shock. “Can I help you?” he asked, completely back in lawyer mode.

“I was just wondering if you wanted to get some coffee sometime now that your case is over,” Laura explained, looking from Jonah to me in confusion.

“Why?”

I couldn't help it. I let out a snort. Laura glared at me, so I guess she did care if someone insulted her. “Didn't you sleep with that Thompson guy? And weren't you dating the cellist?”

I just stared at her, my mouth open. “Wow, are all actors as bitchy as you?”

Jonah scratched his head. “Miss McKenna, I'm really confused by your presence here. Do you need legal advice? I don't make it a habit to mix my professional and personal life.”

Laura was still glaring at me. “Right.”

I bit my lip, trying not to laugh. Jonah's confusion, whether it was feigned or serious, was really throwing the woman for a loop. “I'm sorry, Ms. McKenna, but we have some work to do closing this case. Break a leg tonight!” I turned on my heel and went to go finish filing things in the archives.

I heard Jonah behind me speak up. “Come to me any time if you need a defense lawyer.” Okay, now I knew he was doing that on purpose. Jonah may be too stiff for Sarah's taste, but she really missed a lot when she didn't bother to differentiate his humor from his straightness. Though I had to admit, sometimes I didn't even know.

I went into the archive room, and laughed myself silly.

“Simon!”

He looked over, and cringed when he saw me. I had staked out the back door of the theater, waiting for Simon to leave. He was carrying his cello, and had didn't look too happy to see me.

“Can we talk?”

He shook his head, but I followed him anyway.

“Simon, I trust you heard the real story now?”

“Look, Gracie, I don't have anything to say to you.”

“An apology would be nice.” I kind of liked the whole stubborn me now. Of course, it took this whole disaster for me to realize I couldn't be a doormat and be happy. That'll definitely shift your perspective a bit. And Simon and I had always been kind of volatile with each other.

“I don't owe you anything.”

“You can't honestly believe that, Simon. Carlin lied to you, and you kicked me to the curb with some pretty strong words.” I stepped in front of him so he couldn't continue walking. “I may not have handled our relationship gracefully, but I so didn't deserve anything you said to me.”

Simon wouldn't meet my eyes. “You led me on, Gracie,” he whispered.

“That may be so, but I didn't try to sleep with Carlin, and I won't stand for you thinking you can get away with being angry at me for not sleeping with you. I don't do that kind of thing.”

“I don't know what you do and don't do.”

“You're really not going to admit you're wrong, are you?”

Simon looked at the ground. I knew then, that he wasn't ever going to ask for my forgiveness. He was so convinced that he was right, that he couldn't even begin to think that I had the higher ground. His pride was so strong, he couldn't admit that he'd hurt me so badly. It wasn't even the fact that Carlin had started this mess. Simon had made a mistake, and he couldn't own up to it.

“I see how it is. I won't bother you anymore, Simon. Have a nice life. I hope you learn that sometimes, your actions can ruin another person's life.” I stepped out of his way, and watched him walk towards the street to hail a cab. Simon stepped out of my life as he didn't look back, and to say the least, I wasn't exactly sorry he did. A man who couldn't even admit he made a mistake or hurt someone else's feelings unjustly was not someone I wanted in my life.

Author's Note: Okay, raise your hand if you want to smack Gracie for being purposefully ignorant when it comes to Jonah?

On a personal note, the last line of the chapter is why I have nothing to do with my last boyfriend. It hits pretty close to home. You'd be surprised at the lengths people who pride themselves on logic and being fair will go to avoid admitting they might have made a mistake. Jonah couldn't twist words better than my ex could. It's sickening, and it's pretty hurtful when it involves a relationship and the ending of one. Anyway, I believe I will post the final chapter and the epilogue at the same time so I don't torture you any longer.