"liek, omigod, I luv hwo you described his eyes!!11!one!!1! That was so KEEEEWT!~~~ dis is da best story evar!!!1one!1! 3"

Have you ever posted apiece of literature on an art site, and gotten a critique like that? Worse, you recommend an in-depth critique, not such pat-on-the-back garbage? Admittedly, I've been guilty of such before, but I'm starting to get really fucking tired of it.

You spend four hours working on something, all the while thinking about how much it sucks. You give it an editing period- anywhere from a minute to months. You hack away at it, pick things apart, add in new sentences, trying to make it perfect for the little- if any- audience the piece manages to attract. Hesitantly, you post it to a website, any and all websites where it might be read. You check back every few seconds, nervously anticipating a review.

What's this? It's only been 20 minutes since I posted it! I positively must read this review, before I continue whatever the hell else I was just doing!

"u hav n mazin writin styl keep writin I luv it!!!1!"

Your heart sinks. Surely, the few people whom find your piece must possess more intellect than this? Couldn't they at least offer a short suggestion, something they noticed that somehow doesn't seem quite right? Come on; at this point, you're not even asking for a full review; you just want some notes!

This, of course, is a hypothetical example, though I've witnessed such butcherings of the review process before. The ones that I encounter more frequently- and, of course, the ones I've previously engaged in- are potentially worse. I call these 'sugar balls'. Why? Because the reader notices that your writing style isn't perfect, and so, attempting to appear professional, state this, but then proceed to skate around or sugar-coat every detail that, because I like the phrase, fucking sucks. Here's an example:

"I really like Frank Eats A Donut! It's not perfect; you can improve grammar a bit here and there, some of the dialogue sucks, but it's otherwise pretty kewl!"

Though that doesn't seem particularly shitty, it isn't too useful of a review. Can I have an example of the sucky grammar and dull dialogue? Did I miss anything else? What about the descriptions, the character development, the effect it produced in your twisted little head? Such things should always be considered in a review. If you don't have time, bookmark the page- maybe even write a mini-essay on the subject!

So, here's the point: don't write sucky reviews, please. Artists tend to care about what they do, and unlike the cookie-cutter anime visual art that is so frequent on the the internets, literature takes some time to both produce and to enjoy. I hereby take a stand to never produce a shit review- EVER. If I do, I shall bookmark the page, and come back to it later.