Isn't It Amazing?

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

When someone came into your life; uninvited, surprisingly, and accepted you as a whole. No matter how you are.

George came into my life while I was in college. I was working in a simple coffee shop. Not much people come to the place and only elderly people are our regulars. We don’t serve much variety coffee and it was fairly cheap. I was there as a volunteer; part of my scholarship requirements.

He started coming on weekends on my longest shift where he’d just ordered a coffee and sat there fondling with his laptop. I didn’t notice him at first but I couldn’t help but wonder why a person like him would come to this cheap coffee shop every weekend. He looked like he has money; judging from his macintosh laptop.

All my questions were answered when he came up to me before my shift is over and asked for a date. I never imagined somebody would ask me out since I’m a very uninteresting person. I am a girl who would stand in a corner so that people wouldn’t notice me. I am a girl who people avoid when I sit in the cafeteria table. Basically, I am a secluded avoided person that guys find no interest in.

Guys except George.

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

Making time of no value as you are spending time with your lover with the world to yourselves.

We dated for around 4 months when George proposed to me. I didn’t know that at the time I was already pregnant with Terry. He didn’t really have a ring prepared but he proposed anyway; saying he couldn’t wait another day until he could finally spend his whole life with me.

He was spending the night at my apartment. After we made love he lied beside me in silence – holding me – as he whispered in my ears: “will you marry me?”

I hugged him tight, replying a muffled ‘yes’. It was the happiest moment in my life, so far.

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

Giving happiness that you’ve never imagine. Letting you feel like you’re living your dream or in fantasy world; in a happy ending book.

Terrence, or Terry, was born shortly after our marriage which brought more joy to the house. We live in a small apartment at that time, George’s parents didn’t really agree with his choice of wife that they didn’t give incentives for him to live by. No wedding gift. No visitation. No congratulations. But it didn’t matter.

George was working in a bank introduced by his friend. He was a successful businessman, a talent inherited from his father. I was the house wife, anxiously waiting for him to come home every time to greet him with love, a son, and a nice dinner.

Our family was slowly growing in love and in size. Not long after, we moved to a suburban house. Terry was 4 years and we were excited for him to start kindergarten soon. Everything felt so wonderful and perfect.

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

Replacing all the memories; both good and bad. Being used to be a reason to leave everything behind to chase the love that has left the heart.

I came home from a parent-teacher conference with Terry to find George sleeping with another woman. He tried to explain who she is, how she is his client in the bank, how she was taking care of the paperwork of her late husband, how she seemed to need a company, how it ended up with many more meetings and end up in a fall into love.

It happened real fast. Too fast, in fact, that suddenly all the files were filled and signed and we were officially divorced. I had the custody to take care of Terry; he was 7 years old then. It didn’t take long for me to come home to a house half empty. George took most of his stuff to live with his new girlfriend.

It didn’t took long when I sold the house and bought a small apartment somewhere far from the suburban area. Far from all the painful memories. Far from George.

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

Leaving you bare and empty because you’re no longer filled with love. No longer accompanied with someone to complete you and support you; leading you to irrational decisions.

I didn’t work. I didn’t look for it nor was I interested in finding one. I lived with the money I got from selling the house and furniture and what was left from our divorce. I didn’t have the desire to live knowing that I no longer have George as my husband, as someone that I can hug, love, kiss, feel, and receive his love back.

I don’t remember how long it has been since I got divorced and how many money was left. I didn’t remember to take care of Terry after I put him in the local school there. I couldn’t remember anything and I don’t want to remember anything. It was all too painful. All too much. I wanted to end it all.

The water on the shower is running and I was standing under it; completely soaked in my clothes. I took out a remnant of George from a box. Something he didn’t remember taking, figured he didn’t need any since he left one in his girlfriend’s house apparently. It was his razor.

He always use this every morning before going to work. He held this in his hand every morning. The same hand that touched me. The same hand that touched her. I stared at the razor I hold in my hand, remembering how it moved slickly along the line of his jaw. Flawless and effortless. It was always sharp.

I looked at myself one last time in the mirror. Not much hope is seen there. I was back when George wasn’t in my life. Worse, even. The razor was ready above my wrist. All I need to do is just push it towards my wrist and pull down. I was ready. I can feel the cold sharp razor in contact with my skin when I saw a reflection in the mirror.

Terrence, my son, was standing there. He was … 8, it seemed. His hair is dirty blond and messy. It was long, longer than it is supposed to be. His blond bangs were covering his eyes but I could see his hopeful eyes – unmoving – waiting to see what I was going to do next.

I didn’t want him to see me like this. It wasn’t right for a child to see his mother in this state. He shouldn’t be seeing his mother die.

As I was about to close the bathroom door, he took my cold hand and firmly grips it, allowing warmth to find its way towards me. Towards my heart.

“Mommy. I love you, mommy. I’m here for you. You got me and Jesus, Mommy. My teacher said that Jesus loves you, just like me. We love you, mommy.”

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?

Replacing what you have and didn’t have in your life, making you whole in an instant despite all the time you were left empty.

I reached towards Terry, hugging him, hugging my wonderful Terry that, without realizing it, had been forgotten because I was too caught up with George. Caught up in the past.

I kept on saying “I’m sorry” over and over again as tears streaming down on my cheeks. I thought I no longer have supply of tears since all the night I cried myself to sleep about George. Even when I was calm, after I took one look at Terry I went back crying again. The condition he’s in, the clothes he’s wearing, the food he’s been eating. I couldn’t imagine how long it has been since I took care of him; telling him to shower, making his breakfast, and taking him to school.

Apologizing didn’t felt enough for what I’ve done. Terrance kept on saying “it’s ok” and it made me hug him tighter. I love Terrance. I love him so much even before he came out of me. I can’t believe I’ve neglected him like this!

“Terry, I’m so sorry. I … I love you too, dear.” I said for the thousandth time as I stroke his soft messy hair. “I promise. Mommy will be ok now. Mommy have you here with me and together we can go on living.”

Hearing that, Terry’s face lit up as he excitedly said, “But we won’t be able to hold on without God, mom. I learn about it at school. Teacher said God is our only source of strength so you need Him.”

“Oh, is that so?”

“Yeah! My teacher taught me a lot of things about many interesting things.”

“That sounds really wonderful.” I told him as I guide him away from the bathroom. I quickly run to turn of the shower and threw the razor away before I said to Terry, “you have a lot of things to tell me during dinner, young man.” I smiled.

“Yes ma’am.” Terry smiled back.

With that, I close the bathroom door, including the door to my past and focus on the future I will have with the love of my son and the love of this God Terry is going to tell me at dinner.

Isn’t it amazing what love can do?