Chapter Nineteen

“what’s going on with you?”

The months go by in a blur. Exams come and go, and before I know it, it’s summer. The nights get shorter and the days get longer.

It has been nearly one year since it started. I’m still not sure what to call it. Caitlyn said what they are doing is rape. But I cannot bring myself to call it that yet. I know that it is, because I wasn’t willing. I didn’t want it. I didn’t ever ask for it.

When it started, I was fourteen. I was out one day, trying to clear my head after an argument with my parents. The logical part of my brain tells me it wasn’t my fault, but then I hear their voices in my head and it replays constantly and I think of all those times, if I had just found the strength to push them off me, if I had just screamed that tiniest bit louder…I can’t stop wondering if it would all be different.

I’m not sure what to make of my parents. We’ve always argued a lot. Recently my mother hasn’t gotten off my case about all those times I come home drunk and smelling of cigarettes. My parents don’t like me very much anymore. I don’t even think Sven likes me much very more because he no longer comes home for visits. We used to be a happy family, I guess. But they don’t anymore. We used to go out for little picnics, family outings to the zoo, nice meals out whenever it was someone’s birthday…but now it’s different.

Things are too complicated. It’s too late to repair the damage. My family don’t understand me and I don’t want or expect them to. But I suppose we have to keep up this happy family act until I can move out.

I spend most of my days drunk or sleeping. I see them plenty of times. I don’t even bother to keep track. They tell me times to be out and if I’m not there, they threaten to tell everyone. So I go out, I see them, I come home, I shower, and then I go to Caitlyn’s house, we find someone who will buy us alcohol and cigarettes and then we go a big field or someone’s house or just some park. But it’s always the same, we get ridiculously drunk.

I always knew that somehow it’d all get out. I always knew that Sam and my other friends were going to click on eventually. But I kept pushing it to the back of my mind. So when it did happen, I was caught off guard.

We were having a movie night at Sam’s. We were laughing, eating popcorn and watching the TV. Jay is sitting on the beanbag beside me, Katie’s crossed legged on the floor, Sam’s leaning against the sofa, Caitlyn and Scott are cuddled up together on the sofa, much to Katie’s disgust. Caitlyn and Scott have become a “thing” over the past few months, Katie, as Scott’s sister, has found it hard to get used to.

Everything changes when a romantic scene comes onto the screen and I cast my eyes to the floor. I flinch when I realize that I’m sitting close to Jay. The memories come flooding into my brain and I can’t stop them. I cross my legs and pull them up, wrapping my hands around myself. I shut my eyes, I’m lost in the memories and I can’t pull myself out of them

‘Maddie,’ a hand is on my shoulder, ‘The movies over. You zoned out again.’

The lights are on and the screens black. The others have moved over to pick out another movie. Jay is watching me closely and Sam removes her hand when I jump.

‘What’s up with you?’ Jay mutters, mostly to himself, just as Sam apologizes for making me jump.

‘It’s okay,’ I mumble, ‘Sorry about that.’

She isn’t looking at me, she’s looking at my bare arms. It’s too warm for hoodies and since we were in the dark, I figured I’d be okay to take it off during the movie and slip it on just before the movie finished, which is what I usually do.

‘Your arms seem to be permanently bruised,’ she says, in a low voice.

I swallow and try to laugh it off, ‘Yeah, you know me. I’m so clumsy.’

She doesn’t even smile, instead she stands up, pulls me up with her and says, ‘Come with me, Maddie.’ She half drags me out of the room.

‘What’s going on with you?’ She asks.

‘N-nothing,’ I struggle to get the words out. ‘It’s nothing, honestly.’

‘You’re in and out of hospital every few months, you’re constantly covered in cuts and bruises, you get all of these mysterious appointments to leave school’-

‘Sam,’ I stop her, ‘if something important was going on, you’d be the first person I’d come to.’

I’m not lying either. I don’t consider what they’re doing as important. If Caitlyn’s right and it’s abuse, it’s still not important. I should be used to it by now, right?

‘Is it at home?’ She asks, ‘You’re always rushing off home and coming up with excuses as to why you can’t hang out’-

‘No,’ I said, ‘I-It’s not a-anything.’ I’m starting to panic. What if she finds out? Oh, God. She’ll be horrified. Disgusted. She won’t even want to look at me-

‘You’re lying,’ she says, quietly. ‘I know you are. Caitlyn knows whatever it is. You told her. That’s why you two are practically inseparable-’

‘Sam,’ I say, quietly. ‘Stop.’

‘I’m okay with you having,’ she hesitates to find the right word, ‘problems. I always knew you did but I mean…Maddie…if someone’s hurting you’-

‘Sam, please,’ I realize with a start that I’m close to begging. Alarm bells are ringing in my head. She can’t know, no one can ever know, oh God…

‘Sam,’ another voice says. And Sam’s grip loosens on me.

A second later I’m out the door.