It Hurts that I Love You

.Chapter Three.

I froze right at that moment. Unable to breathe, unable to look away. He wasn't looking away either and we were just standing there, gazing in to each other's eyes, oblivious to everything around us. Exactly just like the way we were before except the fact that something about him felt, well, different. It's still him but I could tell by the way he was looking now. He's changed.

"You know each other?" I could hear Chaste asking me but I couldn't bring my self to answer. For me, there was only me and him. No one else. Just the two of us in our own little bubble of nostalgia.

Looking at him now was like taking a peek back in to my past. I never knew there would come a day when I could see him again and stare in to the same deep ocean blue eyes that never failed to entice.

In that moment of silence, feelings from the past began surging in every vein of my body sending my heart thumping as though it would explode any second. I knew this feeling very well. It's the very same feeling that sent me high up in the clouds, made me feel invincible and thankful for living. It's the feeling called love.

I smiled and finally broke the eye contact. My chest was clenching as I turned away. There was a painful sting and my vision's getting blurry but still, I was smiling.

Why did I smile? Even I was wondering. Perhaps it's the sudden rush of nostalgic memories that I had long locked away inside my broken heart being set free. I smiled because I was able to feel the same way when I was the happiest girl on earth again. I smiled because I never really wanted to forget those days. I smiled because finally, I remembered.

::Flashback::

High School :: Junior Year

-

-

"So now you're going out with the captain of the football team? Pfft..." He said with a laugh he successfully stopped.

Rumors like this had become normal for the two of us. Everyone at school thought I'm a tacky bitch who slept around simply because I led the squad. But I'm not and never will be.

But I couldn't blame anyone for spreading those things. Adrian and I had been keeping our relationship a secret for as long as I could remember because I'm the Queen Bee and he was the new guy from the country.

He wasn't dorky or anything, actually, he's sweet and sincere and he had the bluest eyes that I had ever seen and the richest voice that I have ever heard. He just didn't stand out because he preferred to read books that throw football but still, dating him was supposedly wrong. It was against the unwritten rule of those above the social ladder.

"You've heard, huh?" I replied, turning away because I couldn't look at him straight into his eyes.

"If it's about you, I'd be surprised if I were to hear nothing." He was trying to have that tone of ease as he spoke but I knew, or at least, I believed that he's breaking apart from everything he had been hearing.

It was just another typical day for the two of us. We're sitting next to the piles of woods stacked at his house's backyard in the small quiet neighborhood where he and his family lived.

It was a short while, both stolen and secret. I watched his profile silently and it was gentle. He had his back against the unfinished bookshelf that he said he and his father were building again. And just like each and every time we spent sitting there just talking to each other, in his hands was yet another book.

"What are you reading?" I asked. I wasn't interested in books and reading in general but those he held in his hands and read that gave him that beautiful serene expression were a special exception.

"Even if I told you, you wouldn't know." He said with a slight smile. I knew what he looked like when he was disappointed - eyebrows arched gently and lips gently raised to one side.

He looked exactly just that so I gave up on it and just rested my head on his shoulder as he opened the book covered in a black jacket he used to cover all books he read. I closed my eyes and just listened to his breathing and occasional sighs probably from what he read.

It was peaceful and that feeling, just staying like that with him was incomparable to any of the dates I had in extravagant places with guys who liked showed off and flatter me by showing what they can give me. That made me realize how my heart wrenched by his calmness each time he tried to act like he wasn't bothered by the ways I lived by. I'm thankful that he understood what I had been doing and yet, I want him to tell me and stop it and just be his' and look at no one else.

I was comfortable when I was with him and I felt like I can say anything to him so I spoke, softly trying not to waste this moment by dozing off. I was prepared for his answer and nothing more could hurt me more than losing him so I asked.

"Hey, Adrian."

I opened my eyes but I didn't look at him, I stared at the young maple tree that had been struggling to grow despite of the infestation of insects that his mother desperately tried to control instead. I soon felt his hand brushing my flowing hair that was let down.

"Hmm?" He asked as I felt him sniff my hair.

I know I'd be like a hypocrite by asking this but I wanted to know exactly how he felt. Even when I'd be not strong enough to leave everything behind because I was a coward, I wanted him to make me.

"Aren't you jealous?" I asked in the softest voice I could.

A part of me wanted him to be but another tells me it's better that he didn't or, acted like he didn't. I was being selfish. I should be satisfied that he's mature enough to understand and yet it's like I'm provoking him like this.

"Madeleine..." I heard him say, followed by the sound of his book closing.

He did not call me Maddie like my friends did because Maddie was 'chick' , he called me by that name. My name never had a special ring to it until I heard it from his lips that only spoke sweet and truthful words. It made me feel special.

I bit my lip because the answer was about to come and my eyes were closed again. I was prepared for the worse. No matter how harsh he might be, I knew it wouldn't hurt me half s much as I had been hurting him. I listened and what he said next and I etched every single word he said in my mind.

"I am your friend and my love for you goes deep. There is nothing I can give you which you have not
got, but there is much, very much, that, while I cannot give it, you can take…" He said slowly, saying out the words clearly.

"That's what Fra Giovanni said in the letter he wrote to the Most Illustrious the Contessina Allagia Dela Aldobrandeschi on Christmas eve." He added and soon, his hands were on my cheeks and I was looking straight in to his ocean blue eyes.

"Love is something you give Madeleine and I gave all I had to you. It is unconditional and therefore gives me no right to demand anything from you in return. The rest that I can't give you, you are free to take from me because you're the one I chose to love."

I didn't have anything to say but he smiled weakly at me and assured me with his kind words. I closed my eyes and I felt a tear trickle down my cold cheeks. He wiped it with his fingers and kissed my forehead before pulling me against his chest.

And from that time, I was convinced that he deserved someone much, much better who can give him happiness he was truly worth. Someone who was definitely not me.

--

I felt Chaste tugging my shirt violently and finally, I was back to my senses. I realized that I was lost in a trance for a moment. It was like I was transported back to that time when Adrian professed his love to me back at their backyard and gently assured me that he would be strong enough to stand by my side until we could finally tell everyone we were together. Sadly, that day never came.

He was gone like the wind. I was unable to meet him when he needed me the most because I valued that stupid Cheer leading tournament over us. For two years, I never heard of him. No one did. It was like he never existed.

"Earth to Madeleine!" I heard Chaste say for the nth time.

I looked up to her and she had a confused look on her face.

"Oh, sorry. I was just..." I was stuttering and as I try to pull my self together, my eyes meet Adrian's again. My heart began to throb and I quickly look away, hitting Chaste's forehead in the process.

"Ow. Are you okay Madeleine? You're not sick are you?" She asked as she rubbed her now swollen forehead.

"Whoa, anything wrong? Want me to get anything for you?" Nathan thoughtfully asked me as he helped me prop myself back up the bar stool.

"I can bring ice." I heard that distinctive, deep voice.

I turned to Adrian stiffly, trying to avoid eye contact as much as possible. I didn't like it. After not seeing him for so long, it was just plain awkward. "No. I'm fine. It must be from staying up late for that stupid term paper I forgot to submit."

"Are you sure?" He asked, leaning over the bar top. He was about to touch my forehead with his hand to check whether I had fever but I quickly move away leaving him perplexed by my actions.

"Hold your horses there brother." Nathan said, pushing Adrian's hand away before checking my temperature himself.

"I think you've got slight fever." Nathan said as soon as he pull his hand away.

"I'm so sorry for dragging you all the way here." Chaste started to run her fingers through my hair before panicking, "God, what should I do."

Hey Adrian maybe we really need an ice pack or something of that kind." Nathan said with obvious anxiety in his tone.

Adrian did not reply for a while and I catch a glimpse of him looking at me before he turned to leave. "I'll be back in a heartbeat." He said.

"I don't think I'll need that. Maybe it's better if I go home." I looked at the direction Adrian ran off to. I wanted to leave before he came back so I forced my self to stand up and balance my self.

Of course I wanted to ask Adrian endless questions like where he had been all this time or why did he suddenly disappear from my life without a trace. I knew I was being a coward by running away but I'm just not ready to deal with everything now. Not in front of my best friend at least.

"Are you sure? Let me drive you home." Nathan stood up but Chaste put her arm around me to give m support.

"I'll take her home." She said.

I looked at her. "No way. You wanted to be here, I could just flag a cab."

She had that disappointed look on her face but she quickly smiled as if she's trying to assure me it's fine. "I couldn't let a dimwit like you go home like this."

I chuckle softly and see Nathan looking with his concerned eyes.

"I'll be okay. Thanks for tonight." I mumble as I grabbed my hand bag.

"Hey, I still haven't forgotten our bet. So, is Adrian the friend you were waiting for? If he is, you owe us some drinks." Chaste jokes as she looked for her car keys in her bag.

Nathan laughed heartily and he sat back down his seat. "So that broody guy is your someone?"

"OMG. No way." Chaste said with her jaw hanging open after realizing that Adrian is the same person Nathan was waiting for.

I didn't know why but I didn't like where this was going. We all know Adrian in one way or another and it gave me an ominous feeling.

"Looks like I need to treat you two next time." Nathan gazed at me and smiled. "Get well soon."

I smiled back. It was a faux smile but it worked well. I anxiously looked at the door where Adrian entered hoping he wouldn't come out any time soon. I need to get away.

"I'm getting dizzy. Can we go now?" I asked Chaste, acting as if I was about to fall unconscious.

"Oh. I'm so sorry I got carried away." She quickly grabbed her bag and we headed out of the bar. As the door was closing, I looked back only to see that Adrian had returned with a pack of ice.

"You can hate me for ruining your evening. I wouldn't blame you." I told Chaste as we slipped in the car.

Her keys were clanging as she pushed it to the ignition. She adjusted the rear view mirror and looked at me from my reflection.

"There's always a next time." She said as the engine revved up.

"Thanks Chaste. I love you so much." I smiled as I mumbled before lying in the backseat.

I was tired. I closed my eyes and I the memories from high school flashed before my eyes. They were in fast forward motion like broken movie clips. I quickly opened my eyes and realize that we had already drove away.

"Hey Madeleine. Are you awake?" Chaste did not look back. She was looking at the road as we came to a stop light.

"Yeah." I mumbled.

"This question may be weird but..." She paused.

I looked up the car's ceiling and told her to go ahead.

"Do you happen to know Adrian? You know, the bartender?"

There was silence. My heart was racing as I forced my brain to think of something to say. How should I answer?

"I thought he just called your name just now so I had the feeling may be you two knew each other. Forget it. I could be wrong. "

"We know each other." I was shocked when that escaped my lips.

"Oh. That's great! I wouldn't have to worry about you not liking him right?" Chaste glances at me moments before the traffic lights turn green.

I felt a sting in my throat. "Uh, yeah but--" I stuttered. "We're just...acquaintances. I knew him from high school."

You just did it Madeleine. You just dug your own grave where you will be rolling in later.

"Oh...is that so." She sounded disappointed. "Well we can work on it." She sounded jovial again. The car started moving and I wanted to bang my head against the hardest thing I can get my hands on until I bleed for not being honest with my best friend. But how can I tell him that I dated Adrian for more than two years?

"Madeleine are you okay? You're making strange noises." She asked.

"Oh. Don't mind me I'm fine." I replied as I tried to take my mind away from all the things that had happened today. "Really, thanks for today."

"No worries. Just don't puke in my car." Chaste added with a chortle before I drifted back to sleep with a smile on my lips thinking about how Chaste was always there, never letting me down. I'm just hoping that all will just be a dream and when I wake up, everything will be back to how it used to be. No Adrian and no lingering feelings. Just the same.

A/N:

I know a lot of you want to flay me alive for not updating for what? Three months? Four months? I'm so sorry! I love this story and all of you readers so I figured I must do this justice by continuing it. This chapter's pretty long as a way to say sorry for not updating in ages. It Hurts that I Love You and The Devil and His Secret are now back up! Thank you for all your support!

Thanks to reviews, faves and alerts!~ I hope you look forward to the next chapters :)