~Ella~

The next morning was beautiful and serene. I imagined it was a perfect morning for the sleeping couple in the bedroom next to mine, and I was glad for them. I wished I could enjoy the bright sunbeams and birdsongs as much as I knew they would when they awoke, but I just felt hung over, although I wasn't, which didn't seem fair at all. My eyes were dark from lack of sleep, and my head was aching from the excess of thinking I'd done since the second time I went to bed.

At first I just thought about Zelda, but I was distracted quickly by the noises, and then my mind was back on Ana. Phillip was in her bedroom for the second time that day. Ana had changed so greatly overnight, but she hadn't changed to please him. Maybe he brought out the girl she wanted to be. Maybe she had been waiting for a boy she felt comfortable inviting to her bed all her life, and when she found him she couldn't wait more than the short time she had waited. Maybe this new Ana would be more than a better lover, she may be a better sister, a better woman.

And then it escalated to thoughts about me that I couldn't even relive. It was too complicated and sometimes just too painful. Thoughts of all the men I've allowed inside of me, which doesn't really bother me, but it was the idea that there may be one somewhere who will mean something... that idea was new to me. I never used sex that way. The thought was liberating, but exhausting. It seemed so much more complicated.

I don't feel ashamed of myself very easily, but when I do, it's over something silly like this. Why should I complain, even in my own head? Who wouldn't want to be the sixteen year old girl with a killer body, who can have and has had anything she wanted? But could I have anything? Could I fall in love at first sight the way Ana had?

No, I couldn't. Real love comes to good people, not thieves, not whores, and for them it especially never comes overnight. I wouldn't look for it. But I would hope that in all the many nights of romance and sex ahead of me, I would find it. I knew I wouldn't. But I also knew I would.

I stood. I examined myself in the mirror. Lovely. My straight hair never knotted easily, so I awoke with a curtain lain neatly over the sides of my face. My makeup was gone, so I withdrew an eyeliner pencil from my vanity drawer, and pulled the tip across my lash line. Lovelier. But I always knew I was lovely on my own, I needed to really feel beautiful. I went to my closet, withdrew my glass dancing shoes, and slipped easily into them. Perfect. Just snug enough to dance in, and not even custom-made like all my ballet, ballroom, jazz and tap shoes had to be. Every part of me was small, for my whole life. Everything was too big, but the shoes... perfect.

I returned to the mirror, and more perfect still. Underneath my long pajamas, my slender legs were shaped like no stilettos I'd ever worn had shaped them. I imagined them beneath a flowing skirt, flexing and releasing on the dance floor, while I held hands with the prince.

There was a knock. I rushed to put my shoes back in the closet and called for the knocker to enter.

"Ella?" came Ana's voice. My muscles relaxed a little, but I still didn't want her to know about the shoes. They were my secret. I sifted through the clothes hanging along the closet rack, like I was looking for something to wear.

"Oh, Ana, what are you doing here?" I asked. She placed herself carefully on my bed. "Your man awaits next door!" She giggled and blushed lightly.

"He's asleep." Her smile widened. "We made love last night." I figured as much. They weren't quiet about it, and they were already spinning through their relationship at hyperspeed, but I knew I hadn't looked like that after my first time. I knew I hadn't squealed that much, or felt that good, or awoke to find him sleeping next to me. Ana may have rushed it, but she would remember Phillip's name. I was jealous. I crossed over to join her on the bed, and as I drew closer I noticed that what I had thought was a blush was almost a glow. She wasn't embarrassed. She didn't have to be. I had nothing to say. I sat beside her, but didn't touch her. I knew she still had the feeling of him all over her skin, and I didn't want to ruin that for her.

"It happened so fast." She said, as though she didn't believe it. "But I don't care if it lasts. Tonight was worth it, if it ends tomorrow." And I wondered, how many of my nights had been worth... anything?