"God cannot be referred to as 'good,' 'better,' or 'best' because He is above all things. If a man says that God is wise, the man is lying because anything that is wise can become wiser. Anything that a man might say about God is incorrect... The best a man can do is to remain silent...The true master knows that if he had a God he could understand, he would never hold Him to be God.""

— Andrew Davidson, the Gargoyle.

Chapter Five.

When I look back and people ask me if it was hard learning the truth about myself. I smile and answer is it hard to accept something you felt was missing all along? It was like remembering a long forgotten memory. It brought Acceptance, peace. All my life, try as I might to deny it there had always been something missing. Something that made my simple life unbalanced. I always thought it was merely because of my physical ailments that I felt restricted, but when I learnt the truth. The truth that when I was younger, before I could even remember my gifts had already manifested and began to develop, but were sealed away. The truth felt liberating like I could finally breathe again. I wondered constantly how it would affect me to know that a part of me had been kept back; that i had always had the potential to be greater than i was. That i could have healed me from the injuries, that i might have lost my life unnecessarily.

It hurt. More than i care to remember, but it hurt. It hurt like a thousand needles ripping into my skin; like my heart was being shred to pieces. The only family that i had ever known or loved had lied to me. Sister Margaret. Good, sweet, kind Sister Margaret, the woman who had taken me under her wing. She must have known who or more correctly what I was, and still she did not say anything. But I forgave her, for who was I to judge the actions of a woman who had loved me. Who had nurtured me like I was her own, even though she had her own although I did not know it at the time. I could make up a thousand and one excuses for her in my mind: "She wanted to protect me," "It taught me lessons i needed to learn." "She had thought to give me a normal childhood." I could never resent her. No matter what she did? I was physically and physiologically unable to hate a woman who had let me suffer, who had sat there and endured my cries of pain, and it scared me.

I felt the blood rushing from the wound in my leg. All my strength was leaving me, but i recognised were I was. I was home, home were the nuns would heal me. I was sure of it. Why else would they have bothered to bring me back if they could not save my life? It was unnecessary to have a warrior who would not survive. It would be a burden. It was in our code, leave behind those who cannot follow but have completed their goal, for they will be the ones accepted into god's grace. I must still have a purpose if they saved me.

It was the last thing I though until I blacked out.

I looked above me, lights shone. I thought I had died and gone to heaven until i realised I was under the lights of the infirmary. I blinked my eyes a few times to try and clear my vision. I realised I was not dead. I could feel pain. It was excruciating. Words could not fathom how much it hurt. Our healers were the best, so I couldn't understand why I could still feel the pain. It blazed like molten lava coursing through my veins igniting every nerve it encountered. Scolding me.

My hands stretched out, grasping the sheets searching for something, a weapon of some sort to help end this pain. I could not suffer anymore. Then I felt it, someone holding my hand. A soft gentle stroke to it, and then a feather light touch to my sweat soaked forehead. Someone's hand gently pushing back my hair, and stroking it.

"It's okay Claudette," a soothing voice mumbled lovingly, "your going to be fine. But you have to fight it, to fight the pain. It's the only way. Your lot in life is not yet over, you have so much good left to do in the world." I recognised the voice it was Sister Margaret. I should have known, no one else apart from Iris would be here caring for me, and iris' hands were much smaller than these, and softer too. Iris still retained the baby fat, she was still too young to have earned these hands of a person who has worked. I coughed a little and my breathing became laboured, it felt like a snake was constricting itself around me. I whimpered.

"Shh, dear one, calm yourself. You mustn't get worked up. I have much to tell you, but only when you get better. Trust me" Sister Margret whispered stroking my check in a motherly manner.

When I awoke she denied everything. I decided that a part of my mind must have made it up in an effort to sooth myself. Why did I have so much trust and faith in Sister Margaret. It petrified me to know end that a person could have so much control over what I was feeling. I had whole heartedly accepted that I would care for Iris no matter what happened. She was the only family I had. But Sister Margaret was more of a mentor, not quite family but more than a teacher or a friend, and she had lied to me; I still felt that familial love for her.

I pondered all this as me and Katarina made our way to the viscountess, Katarina leading the way with me following behind her. My head down, tears filling my vision. But I would not cry. I was a warrior to cry. I would not show weakness.

Looking at the ground I saw the patterns of the carpet change as we progressed further and further into the house. The colours range from white to black and everything in between. It was obvious to me that although at the convent we were taught simplicity, it was not widely practised by the aristocrats. Finally after what seemed like ten minutes of walking around a maze we reached a door which Katarina pushed open and stepped to the side of to allow me entrance. Shutting the door behind me when I entered.

The Viscountess stood there in the middle of the room, layers of soft flowing silk flowed around her. If I had though she as had looked like a fearsome woman whilst sitting in that chair. Evidentially I was dearly mistaken. She was tall when she was not seated, and she held herself with such grace and with such a regal air that it was impossible to not feel just the smallest bit incompetent when in the same room as her. She looked younger now. The lines on her face smoother and fewer. Her white hair still tumbled down past her shoulders over her chest. The colour of her skin looked healthier, it was still pale but did not have that inhuman translucence to it. In fact the only thing that appeared to not have changed since the last time that we met, were her eyes. Still those blind, dead eyes looked straight at me. I could not fathom how she did it, how even with the blindness she managed to look me directly in the eyes. It unnerved me. Her eyes looked as if they had seen too many years to really care about what happened anymore.

We stood like that for a while. Me looking at her, searching her face for any sign that she had something to tell me. It dawned on me that she was probably waiting for me to curtsy to her, but the small smile on her face suggested otherwise. Eventually she curtsied to me, the smile that had previously been small on her face was suddenly wide. I was struck by her beauty. It was unique, even though she was obviously old she had aged well, the age did not take away from her beauty but merely added to the whole effect. She straightened up and said softly to me.

"Well done Princess, you were right to let me curtsy to you first. You after all outrank me," A small but friendly laugh escaped her lips at the end. I could do nothing but look at her, shock evident across my new features. My silence must have told her what she needed to hear. "Please Princess, do not be shocked. The appearance that was shown to you and the other girls is merely a disguise that I must carry to make sure respect ensures."

"Why drop the guise now?" I asked, my voice shaking at the end.

"Have a seat and we will discuss every thing." She inclined her had over to a pair of chairs nearer the fair on the other side of the room. I followed her lead over to the pair of chairs and waited for her to take a seat, so I would know which one to sit in. When we sat she regarded me silently a curious expression on her face. The silence became awkward for me, the viscountess seemed content to study me. How I did not know.

"Forgive me Viscountess, Bu-"

"Louisa, please. Call me Louisa after all you will be living here with me."

"Living with you!" I exclaimed.

"Yes of course, were else did you expect to go. Surely not back to that convent. Back to those nun's that did not have the decency to tell you the truth let alone us aristocrats. You were meant to take your proper place with us from birth. Sadly certain things occurred and it did not happen."

"What do you mean, certain things occurred. What things?"

The smile on The Viscountess' face widened even further. "Such curiosity. It is a brilliant trait for one such as yourself. The circumstances changed from what they were meant to be. You were given to my family when you were born by your mother Gabrielle. She sought to protect you from those who would mean you harm. Her and Jabor decided that the best thing for you would to grow up with a family, and then you could choose what you wanted to do with your life. Your parents loved you dearly and they only wanted what was best for you, you were and still are their pride and joy. I remember that the world seemed to be a little bit brighter on the day you came into the world."

"If they loved me so much why did they give me up? And who are the people I remember being my mother and father, and what of my brother?"

"Your parents gave you up to save you. Your mother was and is one of the warriors on the front line, she fights for God. She's known as the giver of love, her heart is full of it. I saw her face when she held you when she had to deliver you to us. I doubt any mother has ever loved their child as much as your mother loves you, but she knew what she had to do. Your father owes the devil and has to remain with him. He loves you with his heart, you and your mother are what stops him from loosing himself to the darkness." The Viscountess paused, and laughed softly to her self, as if she was remembering something that was particularly amusing to her. "You used to say that you were the only good thing that he had ever done in his life. His love for your mother gave them you, so he knew that you must be a blessing."

"That still doesn't explain why they gave me up. Or who the people I remember are."

"Patience little one, I was getting to it. Imagine if you had lived with your parents. They can not be together, it would have been six months with your mother and six months with your father. Six months in heaven, with the influence of goodness and of god, and six months in hell with the influence of Lucifer and his demons. That is no way for a child to be nurtured and your parent knew that. They also knew that you'd always be in the middle of good and evil, you wouldn't be able to pick a side. Eventually both sides of you would pull you apart and you'd loose yourself. On one side you'd have the devil influencing your up bringing the most crucial part in making you who you were, and on the other you'd have our Lord."

"So they gave me away so that I could have a normal childhood, as a child of aristocracy. But if that is true then, how did I end up in St. Antoinette's?"

The Viscountess sighed before continuing.

"You lived her with us, for a year. You were a happy child, and you never wanted for anything. The maids loved you. Especially Katarina, she was one of our youngest." My jaw dropped slightly in disbelief. "Yes, I know it seems strange, but Katarina is almost double your age. She helped care for you as a child, and that is why I assigned her to you know. Her gift Is one of beauty. She makes everything beautiful, as and effect she remains young and beautiful for as long as she lives. Adrianna was found of you as well. At the time I was her mentor. You used to want her to hold you all the time, and would cry if she put you down." I blushed at the thought of a younger version of me crying because Adrianna put me down. Adrianna the fierce stone faced Adrianna. "I know it seems strange to think, but Adrianna was not always as she is now. Once upon a time she used to laugh."

My eyes widened at that. Adrianna seemed so cold. So distant from laughter, it was next to impossible imaging her laughing.

"After your year here. Some demons in the guise of humans stole you from here. The sought to make you into a Princess for Lucifer. To gain favour with him they were going to raise you and then when you came of age offer you to him as a bride to bear his children."