An: OH! The teenaged angst! I love it...

And thank you, to my lovely beta

Chapter 4

“God, Ryan, I should just shoot myself! I’m the biggest idiot in the entire world! Why am I so stupid?!”

“Calm down, Brad. You don’t make sense when you’re upset. 'Course, you don’t make sense when you’re calm, either,” I say with a grin. Don’t know if this is the best time to joke around; Brad rarely loses his cool, but when he does, it's kinda scary. Maybe I’m just excited he called.

“I kissed Cassie and now she hates me.”

My heart skips a beat before I tell myself that everything is still okay. “Okay,” I say, leaning against my headboard and punching my pillow to make it softer. “When did this happen?”

“When you went off to the bathroom and we were watching that godawful movie. I kissed her because I’m stupid. Who just randomly kisses a girl that’s been your best friend forever without warning? She probably thinks I’m an ass!”

“What did she say to you?” I slide the punched pillow behind my back with my free hand.

“Nothing! Nothing! See, I wasn’t actually planning on kissing her because I thought that would be too fast. Startle her, you know? So I was just gonna take her hand and give it a little squeeze and see what her reaction was, so I did that and she grinned at me and squeezed right back. Right back, man! Isn’t that like, ‘I’ll squeeze your hand because I like you’ and then, ‘Oh, I’ll squeeze your hand back because I like you back.’ Doesn’t that make sense!?”

“Um . . . I don't know.”

“It doesn’t make sense? Great! Well I thought it did, so I was like, ‘She likes me, too! I can tell.’ So I said her name to get her to look at me and then I kissed her, and I ruined it, man! Ruined it!”

I sit there on my bed trying to think. It was hard to know exactly what happened with only Brad’s side of the story. He wasn’t the brightest at times and usually missed things. I was also trying to figure out how I felt about this and what I should do about it. There really wasn’t anything I could do, but comfort Brad. I just . . . couldn’t be too happy about it.

“You didn’t try frenching her, did you?”

He hesitates and I almost sigh. “No. No, I didn't. Wanted to, but didn't.”

“Okay. How did she react?”

“Well, when I pulled away she gave me this look, and then she smiled, but it wasn’t like a happy smile. It was like an awkward smile.”

“Oh.”

Brad groans at that and I almost start to laugh. Then I kick myself.

“Man, what does that mean!?”

“I don’t know. I’m not a girl and I’ve never dated one before.”

“Well, you think it’s a bad thing? I mean, maybe I misread her expression!”

“Maybe,” I say doubtfully.

“Man, I can’t think about anything! I can’t eat, I can’t sleep!” His voice cracks and I sorta find it attractive and I sorta feel really guilty that I’m enjoying this so much.

“Hey, you want me to come over or something?”

“No, I’m supposed to be studying. My parents don’t know I’m on the phone. Thank God for cell phones.”

“Studying? School doesn’t start till tomorrow.”

“Yeah, I know. They think it’s important that I know a foreign language and they were not happy with that 75 I got in Spanish last year. I hate Spanish. Cassie’s great at it, but I can’t ask her for help because she freaking hates me!”

“She probably doesn’t hate you. Most likely.”

He moans.

“You guys seemed fine when I got back. She didn’t seem angry.”

“Hmm. . . .”

“You want me to ask her?”

“Would you?! But don’t . . . don't say it’s because you’re gonna tell me. Act like you’re just curious, you know? Like, ‘Hey, you ever think about dating Brad?’.”

“I don’t know if I’ll word it like that, but I'll see what I can do.”

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!”

I laugh. “You’re welcome.”

“Ah! Someone’s coming upstairs. Gotta go.” He hangs up and I look outside my window. It’s a dreary day out, so it makes sense for Brad to use the time for studying. I thought about painting today, but I might as well call Cassie up and invite her over. Once I get this drama sorted out, I can go on living my life. I pick up the phone and dial her number.

“Ryan!” she says, obviously pleased that I called.

“You and your caller ID. Don’t you miss the surprise of not finding out who it is till you say hello?”

“Please. I'd rather have the choice to decide if I want to talk to them or not.”

“Oh? Is that anyone specific?” I ask.

“Telemarketers, the military. . . . The military keeps calling me trying to get me to join. I gave them Brad’s number, but they won’t stop bothering me. They’re trying to make me think I can major in English through their program.”

I laugh. “Well, if you’re not doing anything, I was wondering if you’d like to come over here.”

“Brad there?”

“No, he’s studying or something. He’s busy.”

Her voice suddenly changes. “Oh. Um, okay. Great. That sounds like it’ll be really fun.”

“I wouldn’t call it fun. It’s just my lame house.”

She laughs. “I’ll be right over.”

It takes her a little while to get here, but soon I hear the doorbell ring. She’s the only one that ever presses the darn thing, and sometimes it startles me because it always takes me a moment to realize what it is.

I answer the door and Cassie gives me a shy smile. “Hi.” Cassie has never been shy to me or to anyone since as long as I’ve known her, so instead of saying hi back I stare at the strange expression on her face. “Can . . . I come in?”

“Right!” I let her in. “Did you bring food? 'Cause I doubt I have any.”

“That’s okay. I’m not all that hungry.” She sits on my couch and starts watching me. For some reason it’s weirding me out. It feels awkward and I’ve never felt awkward around Cassie before. After a nice long silence goes by, I realize I should probably say something.

“So. . . .” I sit on the couch next to her, not close enough for touching, but not far away either. Cassie stares at my knee. “Anything . . . happen?”

“Hmm?” She looks up at my face.

“Any news?”

“No, not really, I guess. I don’t know.”

“Something’s on your mind, Cassie. It’s blatantly obvious. You said you wanted to tell me something the other day, anyway.”

“Oh. That.”

“That.”

She starts playing with her fingers. “I think Brad likes me.”

“You think Brad likes you?”

She shakes her head with a laugh. “You’re right. Brad does like me. It’s obvious.”

“Yep.” I sigh and we both lean back on the couch, staring off into space.

“He kissed me last night.”

I swallow. It sorta bothers me that that happened. It shouldn’t. Not really. Oh, God. Brad kissed Cassie. Like with his freaking lips!

“Really?” Best to act like I don’t know. I’m an innocent bystander in this.

Brad freaking kissed Cassie!

“Yeah. It was really weird.”

So she’s saying she didn’t like it? She didn’t like it. Ha. A smug smile forms on my face before I can stop it, but I don’t think Cassie sees. “So, you don’t, like, like Brad?”

She takes a deep breath. “I don’t know. I mean, I adore Brad and he’s a good guy and all . . . but I might like someone else. Maybe.”

I don’t press, because, truthfully, I don’t want to know.

I can feel her eyes on me as she plays with her hair. Her breath comes out uneven. “You know, this might be really stupid, but . . .”

I feel really bad. She’s so nervous, but she has so much more courage than I do. I still can’t tell Brad about the way I feel.

“I think I might like you. As more than a friend.”

I freeze, too overwhelmed to say anything. There are too many feelings flowing through my body, almost too fast for me to make sense of them.

First, I feel rather flattered. No one’s ever told me they liked me that way before. I don’t hang out with a lot of people, so that shouldn’t be so much of a surprise. Second, I feel disappointed, because Cassie’s not the person I want to say that to me, no matter how flattered I am. Lastly, I feel extremely guilty because I’m about to break her heart.

Cassie’s staring at me, biting her lip. My hesitation worries her.

“Cassie . . .” I begin.

“Just forget it. Forget I said anything.” She turns away from me, bringing her legs up so she can hug them.

“I . . . Cassie, I. . . .” But of course I have no idea what to say to her.

“It’s okay. You don’t like me. It’s fine. Forget it.” She sounds like she about to cry. She probably already is, but I can’t see her face to make sure.

For a moment, I try my hardest to like Cassie the way she wants me to. It’s probably the worst thing anyone could do, but guilt drives me to it.

I like Cassie. I’ve known her forever and I get along with her very well. She’s not bad-looking, either; she’s actually really pretty. I could probably fake it really well. I mean, I fake my way through the rest of my life as it is. But it wouldn’t be fair to her. I can’t give her what she wants. Neither of us would be happy. I’m pretty sure I’ll never be happy, but it’s not fair to drag her into it, too.

And besides, Brad would so kill me, I think as an afterthought.

“Listen, Cassie. I love you and all, but I just don’t think that . . . a relationship like that would be a good idea. Don’t feel bad. You’re really pretty, and smart–”

“Just stop, Ryan. That’s what they all say.” Her voice is thick. I think she is crying.

I stop.

Presently she says, “Is it because Brad likes me?”

“That’s part of it.”

“You like someone else.” It’s not really a question, but I answer anyway.

“Yeah.”

She wipes her face and turns to me. She done a pretty good job of composing herself and I’m actually really impressed. “Who?”

“Um, it’s a secret.”

She grins at me and I decide I don’t like that grin. “Do I know her?”

“I don’t really think this is necessary. . . .”

“Hey you owe me. I feel like shit now, honest to God.”

“Yeah, I guess that’s my fault.”

“So come on, tell me. I won’t tell Brad, unless of course he already knows. Hell, I won’t tell anyone. If I know her, maybe I can even help you out. Come on.”

“Well I can’t really tell you because of . . . stuff.”

“Stuff?”

“Stuff.”

“What kinda stuff?”

“Secret stuff.”

“It can’t be that bad," she says, her eyebrows drawing together. The artist in me notices how they're tilted downward -- to show sadness, as any self-respecting artist would say. "Why won’t you tell me? Do you hate me that much? Please. . . .” She presses her face against my shoulder. “You never tell me anything. I’ve had this stupid crush on you for forever and now you’ve just broke my heart and you won’t even tell me who the girl is that you do like.”

“Why do you want to know, anyway?”

“It’ll give me peace of mind. I’ll look at her and go, ‘That’s the kinda girl for Ryan,’ and see that she’s not like me in the slightest and I’ll go on with my life.”

“That’s stupid.”

“I know. I already told you that I was being stupid. Please.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Please.”

“No.”

“Pretty please.”

“No.”

Each please sounds more and more pathetic and I keep feeling more and more guilty. She seems like she’s handling it really well -- she’s not sobbing and she’s even acting like her usual self -- but I know Cassie better than anyone except maybe Brad, and I know she’s really upset. That’s why she won’t lift her face from my shoulder. She doesn’t want me to see.

“Brad,” I finally say.

“What about Brad?”

“I like Brad!” Cassie looks up and stares at me, her eyes wide and her mouth gaping slightly. “As in I’m gay. Like rainbows and fairies!” I fling my arms into the air, waiting for that "Huh?" expression to fade.

It does; the downward-slants that are her eyebrows lift until they're halfway up her forehead, only a mass of wrinkles between them and her hairline. “Are you serious?”

“I’ve never been more serious. I swear to God.” I laugh. “This is one fucked-up love triangle.”

“Oh my God.”

“Don’t tell Brad.”

“Oh my God!”

“I know, right?”

She blinks, closing her mouth finally and looking at me with an expression somewhere between horror and wonder. “How long?”

“How long what? Since I’ve been gay? I don’t know. Since forever.”

“When Brad finds out, he’s going to be–”

“NO! No, he's not, because we are not going to tell him.”

“But you have to tell him eventually.”

Now it's my turn to give her a "Huh?" look. “Why?”

“Because!” she cries, throwing her arms up into the air. “You have feelings for him! You’re just gonna go through your whole life without telling him?”

I look away awkwardly. “That’s the plan.”

“And you’re just gonna live your life like that.”

“I don’t see why you have a problem with it.”

“Why don’t you have a problem with it? Even if nothing comes of it, you need to tell him to put some sort of closure on it. And what if . . .”

“What if what?”

“What if . . .”

“What if Brad gives me a try? Cassie, he’s obviously straight! And he’s obviously in love with you! This is not like some sort of crush. You’re all he ever thinks about.”

Now it’s Cassie’s turn to look away awkwardly. “Brad doesn’t know he’s in love.”

“Well whatever it is, it’s you and not me.”

“But if you tell him, maybe he’ll think different–”

“CASSIE, I’M NOT TELLING BRAD THAT I’M GAY OR IN LOVE WITH HIM!”

There’s a BUMP-BUMP-BUMP from the stairs and I look to see what appears to be a purse at the bottom of the steps. “YOU’RE GAY!?” Kelly shrieks.

I get up from the couch. I didn’t even know she was home, she had been so quiet in her room.

“OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!” She comes clunking down the stairs with her hands on her mouth. “OH my God! Are you sure!?”

“What!?” What kind of question is that?

“Because you could just be confused. Teenagers -- especially sexually frustrated teenagers -- sometimes think they’re gay when they’re not because they just can’t get a girl.”

“Kelly, would you just shut up? I’m pretty sure I’m gay.”

“So . . . you really get. . . .” She trails off. “To dudes?”

This is not the conversation I want to have with my little sister, so I just stare at her dumbly.

“You know!” she says, swallowing. She seems sorta upset with this news, but I’m a little pissed at her so I don't care. “Gay men are more likely to get AIDS.”

“I don’t have AIDS, Kelly!” I snap.

“But you could get AIDS!”

“So could you!” We sound like we’re little kids again, the way we’re bickering. Cassie hasn’t said a word since Kelly’s come down. She just looks from me to Kelly and back again.

“Does Dad know?”

“Are you kidding me?!” I’m breathing hard now, too. Why am I upset? I shouldn’t be ashamed that I’m gay.

I’m not! I’m not ashamed! That’s why I haven’t told Brad, or my father or anyone except for Cassie and Kelly . . . and Kelly was a mistake. Boy was she a mistake.

“Right.”

“Don’t tell Dad.”

“I won’t. Maybe we can get you to see help.”

“WHAT!?”

“'Cause, you know, you could try to be straight again.”

“WHAT!?” My voice cracks this time. Lovely. “Being gay isn’t a disease, Kelly!”

“But I read somewhere –”

“Kelly, maybe you should stop talking now,” Cassie says. I'm clutching my hair like I’m about to pull it out. Kelly shuts up and I drop my hands to my sides.

Kelly stares at me and shakes her head. “Oh my God . . .”

“IF ANYONE SAYS ‘OH MY GOD’ ONE MORE TIME, I’M GONNA KILL THEM, ‘CAUSE GUESS WHAT, GOD DOESN’T FREAKING CARE!”

“Ryan, calm down, okay? Kelly’s just surprised. She still loves her brother, don’t you, Kelly?” Cassie turns to Kelly expectantly.

“Oh my God . . .”

“THAT’S IT!” I lunge at her, intent on killing her. She screams and runs for the door, pushing it open without slowing. I stopped at the door and scream after her, “I HOPE YOU NEVER COME BACK!”

I stand there, catching my breath for a moment. It suddenly occurs to me that I just sent my gossipy sister off into the real world with very dangerous news about myself.

I rush to the kitchen to grab the phone. “Ryan, are you all right?” Cassie asks.

I ignore her as I dial Kelly’s cell phone number. She doesn’t answer, of course, so I leave a voice mail.

“Kelly, I’m sorry. Please come home. I know you’re just worried about me, but please, please, please don’t tell anyone, okay? Please!” I hang up the phone and sink to the couch, my hands covering my face.

Cassie sits next to me and rubs my back. “It’s gonna be okay, Ryan. Things will work out in the end.”

“You’re not going to tell Brad, are you?”

“No, of course not. I won’t tell him, but I still think you should.”

I groan.

“Whenever you feel ready.”

Yeah. Right. That’s gonna happen.

Though I told Kelly I was sorry and had forgiven her, when she comes home, I’m waiting for her so I can glare at her as she walks up the stairs to go to bed. I continue my glaring when she comes down the stairs for breakfast–which is a cup of coffee, cause we don’t have food–and I glared at her all the way to the bus stop. I make sure to walk behind her so that I can get a good look at the back of her head to bore a hole through. Usually Kelly makes some remark on how I should be able to drive us to school now that I have my driver’s license, and I always answer that if she’d get me a car, I’d be happy too. Brad sometimes drives us to school, but on a lot of mornings, his mother needs the car for errands.

“Hey, Brad. Hey, Cassie,” Kelly says with a smile, like she has the right to greet my friends! I ignore them; I must continue my all-so-important glaring at my sister. Someone’s got to do it.

Brad looks awkwardly between Kelly and me. Cassie rubs her forehead tiredly.

The bus arrives, and Kelly hurries up the steps, trying to get away from me as fast as possible. I stomp up the bus, and throw my backpack into the seat we usually sit in.

“I’ll take the window,” Brad offers. I usually sit at the window, because I’m smaller, but Brad’s trying to be nice. I let him take it, because it’s easier to glare at Kelly from the aisle anyway.

Cassie takes the seat next to us. “So . . . ” Brad looks around awkwardly. He’s probably wondering what happened with me and Cassie last night -- I never called him.

“What?” I snap.

“Something bad happen at home?”

“Kelly’s a little blonde monster!”

“What did she do this time?”

“She existed,” I growl under my breath.

Brad blinks at me.

“Hey, maybe we’ll have some more classes together this year,” Cassie says, trying to change the subject.

“I sure hope so!” Brad smiles at her for a moment too long, and Cassie looks away, embarrassed. Brad turns his attention to me. “What happened last night?”

“Nothing.”

“Did you talk to Cassie?”

Right. I forgot about that again. “Oh, yeah.”

“And?”

“Well --”

“Well?!”

“We should talk about this later.” I motion my head over at Cassie.

“That bad? Dammit!”

We ride the rest of the awkward bus ride to school. When we arrive, Brad tugs on my arm. “Hey man, I need some help . . . in the bathroom. . . .”

I smack my head. Yeah, that’s subtle.

“Oh my God! You guys even go to the bathroom together!?” Kelly exclaims.

“YOU KNOW WHAT, KELLY!? I AM DEAD SERIOUS WHEN I SAY I WILL KILL YOU!” Before I finish my sentence she’s already sprinting the hell away from me. I grab Brad’s arm and lead him to the men’s room, leaving Cassie standing in the hall.

“Okay, so what?” I ask annoyed.

“What happened with Cassie? Did you talk to her? Does she like me? Does she hate me?”

I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I start laughing. It really is just too funny. What do I say to him? How about, "Oh yeah, Cassie doesn’t like you. She actually likes me, but it’s okay because I’m madly in love with you." Right.

“Why are you laughing, man?”

I stop, frowning. What to tell him? “This is hard for me to tell you . . .”

“Oh God, she hates me!”

“No, no. She doesn’t hate you. She just liked someone else.”

“WHAT!? WHO!?”

“Um . . . haha . . . well, the who isn’t important right now. What is important is that she still cares for you as a friend, and the other person she liked . . . we don’t have to worry about him because it turns out he doesn’t like her back so it’s all good.”

“Who’s the other person!?”

“No one. No one we know. Never met him before. Doesn’t even go to this school.”

“Is it you!?”

“No!” I’m probably the most terrible liar in the history of the universe. It’s amazing people can’t read me like an open book.

“SHE DOES, DOESN’T SHE!? HOW COULD YOU!?”

“I DIDN’T DO ANYTHING, MAN! I SWEAR TO GOD!” For a second I thought he was going to punch my face in. “I told her I didn’t like her back.”

‘“But do you!?”

“No man! Of course not! She’s not my type.” He glares at me for a second as if he doesn’t believe me.

“Shit!” He clenches his fists and bites his lip, his face turning a little red from being upset.

“It’s okay, man! Maybe after she realizes her and me aren’t gonna happen, she’ll give you a try!” I could kick myself.

“Shit!” He says again and kicks the wall. “Yeah maybe. It’s just . . . what do you have that I don’t!?”

“I know, right? I have no idea!” He looks at me sadly. “No hard feelings between us?”

“Of course not!” He pulls me into a hug, patting me on the back. “We’re still good.” Yes. I like hugs. “Come on, let's go to class before we’re late.”

“Things will work out,” I say.

He doesn’t answer, lightly socking me in the shoulder with his fist.

I feel bad. I really do. But I don’t think I could deal if Brad and Cassie started dating. At least not while I'm around. I don’t like sharing him.