CHAPTER TWENTY

FIGURE IT OUT

“Hey, didn’t Logan come back yesterday?” Stephanie took her eyes off the TV and looked over at me.

I nodded. I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. A month had passed since Logan overdosed, and things were going good for me. I met with my therapist twice a week, and I felt that we were making progress. I hadn’t cut myself since the big incident. My mother was filing for divorce. My father had entered into rehab as well, and he was currently enrolled in anger management. I had reopened my relationship with my brother. I realized that I couldn’t blame him for leaving. He was just a kid, too. If I had seen an opportunity to get out, I would have taken it. I knew he was sorry, and wanted to make amends. We were really trying to work it out.

“Are you going to see him?” Marco asked.

I hadn’t spoken to Logan since he had left. I didn’t know how he was doing or what he was doing. “No, I don’t think so.”

I left Stephanie’s apartment that night feeling anxious. I had spent the whole day with her and Marco, and I still hadn’t been able to get Logan off my mind. I had decided to walk home, and try to clear my head.

Before I had realized what I was doing, I was approaching Logan’s house. My feet had led me there, my mind unaware the entire time. There were no cars out front, but there were a few lights on. I stood out there on the sidewalk, staring at the house.

I don’t know how long I had been out there, when suddenly the door opened. Logan stepped outside onto the porch. “What’re you doing?” he asked.

“I don’t know. How’d you know I was out here?”

“I saw you outside my window. How long have you been standing there?”

“I don’t know.”

“You wanna come in?”

My head told me to turn and walk away, but again, my feet had a mind of their own. They led me forward and into the house. “Where’s your family?” I asked, once Logan had closed the door behind us.

“Its my grandmother’s birthday today. I told them I didn’t feel up to it. But, of course, my mother didn’t want to leave me alone. I had to convince them all that I would prefer the time alone. They finally left. Hey, I’m just unpacking. You want to come up?”

“Uh, sure. Why not?”

I followed Logan up the stairs and into his room. There were a bunch of clothes strewn about. It looked like he had just emptied out the contents of his suitcase onto the floor. I sat down on the bed. He picked up the nearest shirt and began folding it. “So…did you want something?” he asked, glancing over at me.

“No, I…I don’t know why I’m here. I just kind of…showed up here.” I watched Logan folding his clothes. He seemed different somehow. He seemed better. “You look good.”

“One month drug free,” said Logan with a sarcastic smile.

Even though he physically looked fresher and healthier, there was something somber about him. Every movement seemed to be slower. Logan had always been a passionate person, and it seemed like that had completely left him. It made me sad.

“You’ve changed….”

“Well, honestly, what did you expect?”

“I guess I don’t really know. How have you been?”

“Okay. I told my parents.”

“You told them everything?”

“Yeah. They want to press charges, start a case against him. I don’t know if I can do that. I talked about it to my therapist earlier today. It was our first meeting of probably many more to come. He seems pretty cool.”

“That’s good.”

Logan suddenly dropped the clothes he was holding and turned to me. “What do you want, Heidy?”

“What do you mean?”

“What’re you doing here? Why are you here?”

“I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to see how you were.”

“Well, you can’t just do that!”

“Do what?”

“Just show up here like everything’s okay! You told me it was over. I haven’t talked to you or seen you in a month. You think its just okay for you to show up here? You think I can just stand here and talk casually to you about how great I’m doing? I’m not great, Heidy! And I can’t just stand here, pretending that we’re friends and making small talk. And its not fair for you to just….Look, I’m sorry. I don’t have a right to be mad, after all that I did. But you know what, no, I do have a right to be mad. Because I fucked up and I know that but you ended things, Heidy. You did. And I’m not saying you weren’t right but you just…you shouldn’t be here!”

“Logan, I didn’t mean-.”

“Did it just not occur to you that it might be hard for me to see you? To have you here, to talk to you, to look at you and know that I’m never going to have you again? I know it’s been a month but that doesn’t make it any easier, Heidy. And it’s not okay that you just show up here and want to talk. Not when I still-.” Logan cut off suddenly, and looked away from me. He shook his head. “You know what? Forget it. You should just go.”

In a sudden burst of emotion, the passion had come back. I could see it in Logan’s eyes. “Not when you still what?” I asked, standing up and walking over to him.

“I said forget it.”

“No, what were you going to say? I want to know.” I stepped closer to him. We were only inches apart. “What?”

Logan looked me in the eye. “Not when I still love you.”

“You still love me?”

“Of course I do.”

I could feel my heart beating against my chest. Logan stared into my eyes, and I felt as if all my thoughts were floating away. I felt weak at the knees.

“Heidy?”

“Yeah?”

Logan took a sudden step forward, swept me in his arms, and kissed me. Just as quickly he broke away from me and took several steps back. “I’m sorry. I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness and I don’t deserve to just kiss you like that. I’m sorry.”

I looked Logan straight in the eye and all I could see was the Logan I fell in love with. At that moment I knew that the Logan who hurt me, the Logan who couldn’t control his actions, that he was gone. “No,” I said quietly, feeling breathless. “Don’t be sorry.” I stepped towards him and put a hand on his cheek. “I never stopped loving you either.”

I felt the heat radiating off each of our bodies. We stared at each other for several seconds, and then Logan’s lips were back on mine. Before either of us could stop it, our clothes were being thrown to the floor, and we were making our way to the bed. We were no longer thinking, we were just feeling. I wondered why it hadn’t been that way all along. I let myself completely succumb to my emotions.

Once we were on the bed, Logan grabbed a condom from inside his bedside table, swiftly opened it, and put it on. Then he positioned himself on top of me.

It didn’t hurt as much as I had anticipated. Still, it hurt enough. I winced, let out a cry. Logan didn’t move. He held himself very still, watching me. After a few moments, I shifted, rolled my hips, made myself comfortable. “Okay,” I panted. “I’m ready.”

It was like everything that had happened before, all of our histories, vanished in a moment, and all that was left was just the two of us and our emotions in that moment. We passionately made love, and I had never experienced anything so wonderful. We came together, and collapsed on the bed, side by side at the same moment.

We lay there in silence for a while. Logan held my hand.

I rolled to the right so that I could rest my head on Logan’s chest. “What do we do now?” I asked.

Logan kissed the top of my head. “We figure it out.”

I smiled. We were going to figure it out. And I knew we could do it this time.