Title: Selfish Girl
Author: kannachan27
Fandom: N/A

Date: November 21, 2008

She’s beautiful without meaning to be and hard when she’s trying to be soft. Her voice changes from low to passionate, and she never does anything in a way that she thinks is “right.” She thinks that people idealize her, and she realizes that their ideal is not the same as hers, that she does the same to some of them, but she cannot help but to hold it against them in her heart.

She does things simply, easily, when she does not try, yet when she puts effort into it, when she cares about something, no matter the outcome she believes that she messed up somewhere along the way. She puts to much thought into it when she wants it to come out right, and when it comes out better than she wanted, she does not realize this; she only knows that it came out wrong, that it wasn’t how she had planned it.

Things that she does without thinking about them, without meaning them in anyway, people take to heart; she does things that she doesn’t think about or mean, just because she may feel like it at the time, yet people prize and treasure those much more than they treasure everything that she does mean. Everything that she constantly thinks about - how to say it, what look to have on her face, everything. When, where. This is what I mean and here’s why. Overanalyzing and trying to perfect it because it means just that much to her that she just. Cannot. Mess. It. Up.

But they don’t care, or they don’t realize that this was the truth, the other was a joke. They have it all backwards, though, and sometimes she can’t help that she hates them for it. For not realizing when she was being serious, when she needed someone to just… say something.

She thinks that they all believe she is simple; that everything can be solved with a simple, “but I love you,” or a kiss on the cheek, or a hug. She thinks that they don’t realize just how unimportant those things are to her. How she doesn’t believe in their lies, that she knows that is precisely what they are - lies. Even as they try to convince her that they are truth. More lies.

The days that her eyes are darkest, nobody notices. The way that she smiles and talks and whispers little half-secrets does not change, only in the most subtle way, and she wants to be alone, and cannot have people near her, touching her, holding her. Or else she will cry.

Sometimes, she thinks, it would be nice for them to notice. To say something. She wants them all to notice, to focus on her and try to make her feel better. She wants the prying questions and the gazes and the needless hugs that make her throat tighten and eyes sting. She hates them relentlessly, but she wants to be selfish, for them to realize this and let her be.

She wants all of their attention because soon, she won’t be there anymore. She won’t be the same girl, who can smile when she wants only to cry, who can help other people just because she wants to . She wants all of their attention because she feels lost and alone and hopeless and they are the only ones who can save her, if only for a little while.

She knows how to act innocent, how to lie to people with her face and her words. She knows as she’s doing it that the teasing touches, the low sound of her voice, the words she speaks, what it all means; even as she gives an innocent look and pretends she doesn’t, with a giggle.

They believe that she’s the girl who will fall in love easy, who is unreachable yet always there, who doesn’t know what she does half the time. They think that she’s pure and untainted and completely whole.

The truth? She’s empty. She’s conniving and selfish and she plots and plans and knows exactly what she’s doing when she manipulates people. She plays the fool but is the worst of them all, pulling the strings and watching everyone dance. When things go awry, she gets angry, but smiles and hopes that they will bend to her whims once more. She’s a girl who is nothing but selfish and empty and wishing only for the love that she knows that she won’t be able to find.

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