"HELP WANTED"

(Inside the office of PATTI MCKAY. A desk is set up with two chairs in front, one of which is occupied by TIM SPITZER who is nervously waiting for PATTI to return.)

TIM

(confidently)

All right Tim-boy this is it. You're gonna blow them away. You are confident. You can do this. You will…

(PATTI enters with a clipboard in hand, closing the door behind her. TIM stands immediately and holds out his hand, which PATTI ignores as she goes around the desk and sits down in her chair.)

PATTI

Sorry I'm late; I got held up. You must be Tim Spitzer. My name is Patti, I'm in charge of the development division. Go ahead and have a seat. So tell me, what interests you in this company?

TIM

(All confidence is completely forgotten.)

Well, design is definitely a passion of mine. I got my degree in computer graphics and I think that with my skills…

PATTI

I'm sorry, you're going to have to speak up.

TIM

Oh, uh, I was saying that…

(Phone rings.)

PATTI

Excuse me one second. (Picks up the phone.) Yes? Well I'm busy at the moment. No, no it can't wait. Well you're just going to have to deal with it until I'm finished here. How long? I don't know, a couple of minutes. Yeah. Yeah. Ok bye. I'm sorry about that. What were we talking about again? Oh well, tell me why should I hire you?

TIM

(more nervously)

Well like I was saying, I think that I would be a great asset to this company because I'm familiar with multiple design programs and I believe that I can greatly improve the quality of product that you manufacture here.

PATTI

Interesting. So what about our products aren't up to par with yours?

TIM

I - - no, I didn't mean that - - what I meant to say is…

(TIM stumbles over words. PATTI, blatantly showing disinterest in his explanation, begins tapping her pen on the desk, impatiently. Frustrated, TIM tries to gain back her attention.)

Look, let me start over, okay? I think I could really be beneficial to your department. I am very excited about the opportunity and experience I can give and receive from this place and if you would just give me a chance - - I've brought some designs that I've worked on in the past…

(Again the phone interrupts.)

PATTI

I'm sorry about that. Important calls, you know.

(Picks up the phone.)

Yes. I told you I'd be done in a minute. What? Fine, I'll look for it right now.

(Hangs up. PATTI crosses to cabinets and begins looking through files.)

I'm sorry about that Mr. Spitzer. Go ahead and continue, I just have to find some paperwork for Dan down in accounting. You'd think that people would be a little more considerate.

TIM

I - - uh - - well - -

(TIM is very unnerved by the loud noises PATTI makes while searching.)

Hey, can you stop doing that for a second? Yeah, it's a little distracting. Not to mention a little rude.

PATTI

(too nicely)

Oh, I'm sorry. Just don't mind me and continue what you were saying.

TIM

You know, you haven't listened to a word I've said since I've walked in.

PATTI

Oh, you're being silly.

TIM

Silly? Listen, you've done nothing but cut me off and make loud noises and honestly…

PATTI

(Condescending)

I'm sorry. Would you like me to be a good little girl and listen patiently while you yammer on and on? Or how about we sit down and have some milk and cookies? You bullies are all alike, thinking you're the only ones with something important to say. You'd think after twenty years people would change.

TIM

Lady, what are you talking about?

Bully? You're the one being rude here!

Have we met before?

PATTI

It took you long enough. Well?

(PATTI looks at TIM expectantly.)

TIM

(unsure)

I - - uh…

PATTI

Second grade. Pigtails. Braces. Miss Dunlap's class.

TIM

Second grade? Patti- - Oh! Patti McKay! Oh wow, you're looking good. How have you been?

PATTI

I've been good. Without you pushing me around, life has been dandy?

TIM

What are you talking about?

PATTI

You made my life completely miserable! You pushed me into walls and poles. You belittled me. You threw gum into my hair. My self-esteem was pretty much shot until I finally left for college and was able to start fresh. And you still won't apologize!

TIM

You're exaggerating. It couldn't have been that bad.

Come on, I was seven years old. It's not like I knew any better.

PATTI

Oh but you had the courtesy to hold doors open for people and slam it shut in my face? You were polite to other people but couldn't even call me by my real name?

TIM

I was a little kid. It's not like I stayed that way. I've grown up.

PATTI

Then why can't you just apologize to me?

TIM

I'm not going to apologize to you. I don't even remember half of what I used to do back then.

PATTI

Well, I remember it quite clearly. Apologize.

TIM

Are you serious?

PATTI

Just say sorry.

TIM

This is ridiculous.

PATTI

You ruined any chance I had at a normal childhood. Just say you were wrong and we can go on with our lives.

TIM

Go on with our lives? Patti, I haven't even seen you in sixteen years! I think you're being a little too obsessive about this whole thing.

PATTI

Listen, I put up with your arrogance in the past, but I'm not going to anymore. Either you say sorry or I'm afraid that you're just not the right person for this job.

TIM

Wait a minute. You're not going to hire me because of something I did to you back when I was seven years old? You've gotta be kidding me!

PATTI

I'm sorry Mr. Spitzer, but I just don't think you have the qualifications necessary for this position.

TIM

You can't be serious. Aren't there laws against this? And to think I used to like you.

PATTI

(startled)

What did you just say?

TIM

Oh come off it Patti. Why else do little boys pick on little girls? The name-calling? The pushing?

PATTI

But - - you were so mean.

TIM

It was attention though, right? I don't think people really realize how their actions are going to affect their lives until much later on in life, when they're faced with an employer whom they used to torment.

PATTI

(Stunned pause as SHE thinks about this revelation.)

Huh, it's funny. I used to have the biggest crush on you. Strange. I guess any attention is better than people ignoring you.

(Pause as BOTH take a moment to think.)

TIM

Hey, you want to go grab a cup of coffee or something?

PATTI

(teasing)

Are you asking me out on a date?

TIM

(a little nervously)

Yeah, I guess I am.

PATTI

(pause)

Sure.

(The phone rings yet another time. PATTI answers.)

You can stop calling now.

(hangs up)

(BOTH stand and cross to the door. TIM helps PATTI put on her coat and opens the door politely for her.)

TIM

So does this mean I have the job?

PATTI

Of course not.

TIM

What?

PATTI

An employer-employee relationship is strictly off limits. No, no, no, you're going to have to find another place to work because if we plan on getting married, I'm not going to be the only income earner.

(PATTI exits the room.)

TIM

(stuttering)

Wait a minute, married?

END OF "HELP WANTED"