492 Days

At that particular moment in the midmorning heat our uncanny heroes rode out in search of fresh meat on top of their ‘horses’. Not knowing the name of those local beasts of burden they called them something a little more familiar. They were lumpy things with course hair and an unintelligent glint in their beady little eyes. They were easy enough to break in.

“Why is it always in the desert that people go insane?” Freya was a woman of average height, but extraordinary spark. Her hair was an array of unnatural colours all disheveled and full of crow’s nests. She turned to the woman next to her, Alice, with her fire hydrant red hair tide back neatly. She was the only one who looked like she had any care about her personal appearance.

“Because in the forest you can’t see for twenty miles in every direction and the changing scenery and sense that there is life other than ourselves makes for more human conditions, Freya.” Freya looked despairingly around her at the purple and red sands. The monotony of it al was broken up by the occasional rock or shrub. Sometimes there was blue-gray tumbleweed.

“I hate this rock.”

“What are you two babbling about now?” Jane looked up from the screen of her GPS. Being the highest ranking or their ramshackle crew, she was elected unofficial leader. It was her job to crack down on the comments from the peanut gallery. When she wasn’t making her own, obviously.

“Freya and Alice are discussing why it’s always in the desert where people fall off their rockets.” Georgette piped up from the rear of their little procession where she rode along sharpening the buck knife her grandmother gave her for her twelfth birthday.

“Rockers.”

“Shut up, Max. Nosey little know-it-all.”

“I like our little moon. It’s like being in the wild west but in space.” Jane went back to studying the GPS and hoping it wasn’t upside down again. She was the first one to complain about many things but not about this. No one understood that. It had long since been chocked up to heat stroke.

“So, I thought we were going hunting. Why am I the only one who brought their hook-shot?”

“Max, we’re going to get fresh meat.”

“Yes, Alice. I was awake for that part of the briefing.”

“Damn it Max! Fresh meat! Fresh meat! HQ sent us an observer! But they inverted the coordinates when they made the drop so we got to go pick the little lackey up.” Alabaster wished she could put Max out of her misery of her own stupidity but the army frowned upon such things.

“Oh.”

“But there were no cowboys in the Wild West. We don’t have cowboys!”

“We don’t have cows either.”

“It’s true. I miss beef…” Georgette nearly fell off her horse with raucous laughter. Sometimes she thought Freya was possibly her favorite person on this rock. It was hard to tell because there wasn’t much selection but at least she could make Georgette laugh.

“Freya, you’re such a space cadet.”

“I’m not a cadet anymore… I’m a space corporal!” Georgette really did fall off that time.

“And it’s a wonder you got that far at all.” Alabaster was the only one to appreciate her quick remarks, although it would help if she said them loud enough for anyone to hear. Jane cleared her throat loudly and was completely ignored by all present.

“Shut up!” She sat tall on her horse and reached for her gun. The spikes of her black Mohawk poked through holes she misappropriated government equipment to drill in her helmet. It was a rare moment of authority.

“We’re halfway there. It’s time to hydrate.” Jane dismounted and began to hand out canteens.

“How are we halfway there? We’re only a few hours out.” Max was confused and started to try and figure out how that happened. The calculations in her head required counting on her fingers.

“It’s a small moon.” Georgette took a large sip and nearly choked on it.

“Hey! This is Moonshine!”

“But we’re all out.” Alabaster sniffed at her canteen suspiciously.

“The new batch is ready.”

“Yay!” The whole troop cheered and hollered. The great moonshine had been almost unbearable. Heads nearly rolled when the still was broken in a freak ping pong accident.

“Thank the golden concubines for that.”

“Alabaster. I didn’t know you were so religious.”

“Alice, only since I got stationed on this rock with you primates.”

“Oh so harsh. And here we thought you loved us.”

“I don’t love her either. Let’s pick up the pace.” Jane nudged her horse forward while taking a long pull on her canteen. Only a veteran saddle swigger could manage not to fall off executing that maneuver.

“Question.”

“Yes, Freya.”

“If they sent an observer then why are you giving us the moonshine now? Don’t you want us to make a good impression.”

“Hell no! If we make a good impression then they might transfer us off this bloody rock.”

“But don’t we want off this rock?”

“If they transfer us then we’ll be stuck having to do stuff. I for one intend to sit this war out on my ass.”

“Oh. I get it.”

“No you don’t.”

“This is true.” The sun beat down on them a blood red. The moonshine started to make them sweat. With any luck the hallucinations would have started by the time they reached the observer. Jane surveyed her troops as they rode on ahead of her. Maybe it wouldn’t make much of a different if they were hallucinating or not. It was a cracker barrel after her own heart.

The observer sat on an oil can looking forlorn. Well, she would probably put it in a more off colored way. Her situation was depressing. The least of which was being stuck in the middle of nowhere with idea where she was or how to get out of there. Dots appeared on the horizon but they were a long way off. She was too disheartened to check it out with the binoculars like protocol dictates. The moon was probably the furthest point from the front line anyone could get to without looping around, as well as being uninhabited. So it couldn’t possibly be anyone else but the unit she was sent to observe. They were coming up fast on the horizon considering they’re on foot. After twenty minutes they were fully visible. Once she could see them, she wished she were stranded again. They were a sorry bunch. None of them were in uniform. Most of them were wearing some form of massacred uniform. A whole lot of unauthorized colour. She couldn’t understand why they would send her out to observe an ultimately pointless outpost so far from the war zone. Just as she was hip deep in her musings the motley crew reigned up casting long shadows over her.

“Tally-ho!” The obvious ranking soldier dismounted.

“Oh great. It’s the Mouseketeers.” There were giggles all around. They seemed like a giddy bunch over all. Some of them had a kind of glassy far off look.

“Well that’s better than the muff brigade. Ladies, hook up this dingy to the horses. Orders are to bring it with us.”

“But Jane, what do we need another shuttle if we don’t got no fuel?”

“I don’t know, Max, I figure we’d attach it to the base and turn it into a solarium slash tanning bed.”

“This is government property! You’re not authorized to modify it.”

“Actually Max is. She’s certified for most if not all air born vehicles. Also she’s certifiable.” Max smiled winningly at the observer. Her jet blue Chelsea was plastered to her forehead with sweat, some of the dye had leaked and left blue streaks down the sides of her face. When she turned around to check the cable hooked to her makeshift saddle, the bulls painted on the back of her head winked at the observer. She was standing, finally. The gas can she was sitting on having been snatched out from under her.

“Mount up, lieutenant.”

“What are these things?” The observer pulled a face.

“Horses.” Alice led the spare horse they’d brought up to Jane.

“They don’t look like horses.”

“We don’t know what they are but cow-llama was too long.”

“I see.” She stepped up to the horse. “There’s no saddle.”

“We didn’t get a chance to make you one. Don’t worry, they don’t chaff too bad. It’s only a four hour ride.”

“Oh great.” Jane kicked off the caravan dragging the dingy. The observer scrambled to mount and catch up. Freya fell in next to her, smiling goofily.

“So what’s your name?”

“Lady bug.” Georgette snorts into her canteen.

“What kind of name is that?”

“My mother never liked children.” Lady Bug glared at Alice and then up at the sun. She couldn’t wait until this assignment was over. Three months of hell. It was as hot as hell anyway. These would be some of the thirstiest months of her life.

It’s goddamn hot here.”

“You got used to it.”

“Anyone got any water? I emptied my canteen an hour ago.”

“Sure.” Georgette tossed back hers. She unscrewed the cap and sniffed gingerly at it.

“This is moonshine!”

“Yep. It spiffs up the scenery some.”

“This stuff can make you blind!”

“Even better.” Once the snickering died down they rode in silence. All of them getting steadily drunker. Once they got home they would have completed the first orders they’d received in over a month. This was cause for celebration. Then again most things were. Freya stared at Lady Bug.

“Why is she staring at me?”

“I’m gonna snog you in your sleep.”

“Creepy.”

“Freya, you can’t gang bang the willing.” Alice winked at the observer.

“Gimmie that!” She snatched up the canteen and started to chug.

“Aww. She’s going to fit in just fine.”

“I call shot gone on the bathroom!” Everyone turned to glare at Georgette for beating them all to the punch. Since she’d started it, they all started to draw lots for the use of the toilets. They would all be ready to break the seal by the time they’d get back to base.

They lounge around in the sun, working on their tans. Max was off somewhere tinkering with her newly acquired toy. They heard the occasional bang from her direction. Jane was quietly snoring away with Freya hovering over her with an oil stick in hand.

“Has Captain Underpants collapsed yet?” Alabaster looked up from her three month old newspaper.

“Are you still reading that? Can’t you just let Freya use it to line the cage of her guinea pig so she can stop stealing the doc’s medical journals.”

“Absolutely not. This is my last remnant of civilization.”

“It’s funnier this way. She throws such a fit.” Freya was busy filling in Jane’s eyebrows. The moustache had already been drawn. Off in the distance they heard someone shout ‘I am a golden god!’ followed by a squishy thump.

“There goes the girl wonder.”

“Tsk. Tsk. How cliché. I’ll go page the doctor.” Alabaster got up, folding her newspaper delicately under her arm. They followed her with their eyes as she left.

“See, she’s lost weight.”

“I still don’t see it.”

“Georgette, you are such a man.”

“How could you say such a thing?!” Alice listened to Georgette and Freya bicker like twelve year olds while she filed her nails silently. While they discussed the status quo, she was mostly thinking about food. What she was going to feed the ungrateful lumps with tonight. She was going to have to trap a small lizard or something. They didn’t have any meat left in the deep freezer. Tomorrow they’d have to go hunting again to fill up their stores. With a sigh she stood to leave.

“I better get started on dinner.”

“Your mom.”

“We had that last night.”

“Freya, will you paint my toenails?”

“Only if you let me cut them.”

“But that might tamper with my Sampson-like powers.”

“Gross.”

What looked like a skinned iguana was turning over a spit above a roaring fire. The red sun was just setting and the three blue moons were rising. The vulgar ladies were sprawled out eating something sloppy out of dented tin bowls and drinking nutrient rich liquids that looked like milk that had been left out in the sun all day.

“I know it’s like we’re out in the Wild West but do we really have to eat fried beans all the time? I’m getting sick of it.”

“Would you prefer twenty year old cans of creamed corn?”

“I hear botulism is real good for your complexion, Georgette.”

“My complexion is just fine thank you very much.”

“What on earth is that thing?” Lady Bug had been staring in abject horror at the massacred beast slowly roasting in its own juices.

“Well it used to be some kind of lizard before Alice got her hands on it.”

“We’re going to eat that?!” Her voice was quickly become shrill and her complexion a genial shade of green.

“We don’t have much choice, they didn’t exactly leave us well supplied. Besides, lizard hide makes for great boots.” Jane moved her foot into the fire light to show off what looked almost like ‘gater skin boots.

“Why are you so low on provisions? Don’t they send routine supply ships?”

“Are you kidding? This far out? It’s not worth it. They need that stuff at the front.”

“That doesn’t make any sense. This is still a military outpost.” Lady Bug stirred anxiously at her beans. The rest stared wide-eyed at her endearing but misguided naiveté. Finally Alabaster took pity on her.

“Didn’t you know? We’re all fuck ups and miscreants. Social deviants weeded out of regular units and stationed out here where we can do the least harm. The only ones stationed here with any real purpose are Doctor Ophelia and Tweedle dee and Tweedle dum. They’re here to research the unique minerals and compounds found only on this moon.” A disheartened, almost fearful expression fell over her face. Freya put a comforting hand on her shoulder.

“Don’t worry, honey, you can’t have screwed up worse than any of us.” She shrugged off Freya’s hand and stood up, walking away from the circle of fire light.

“Lizard’s ready. Who wants a leg?”

“What the hell is that?!”

“Who goes there?” A light snapped on, putting a slew of disgruntled fembots. The most of which was Lady Bug who had managed to get tangled up in a hammock strung up across the bunk room.

“Relax. Georgette like to think she’s a pirate.” Georgette still waved about the knife from under her pillow, half delirious with sleep.

“Hey! Put that gut buster way. People are trying to sleep.’

“But…”

“We’ll go hunting tomorrow. I promise you can gut a big one. Just go to sleep.”

“That goes for the bugger too.”

“Didn’t anybody warn the fresh meat about our resident swashbuckler.”

“No. She passed out in the bush before we could. It was hard enough dragging her inside. Luckily we only bumped her head a couple times.” Lady Bug whimpered with frustration and did the ‘I have to pee’ dance.

“I just need to use the latrine!” The lights snapped off again.