CHAPTER IV

I had forgotten what it was like to breathe in the outside air. Somehow, being in my home, while painful, still kept a part of me together and closer to Ariel. But I had told my mother to go home; she didn’t need to take care of me much longer…

Willing the tears not to come out and trying to ease the tightening in my chest as I felt a rush and all the blood go to my head. I blinked streams of tears coming down the corners of my eyes; walking closer made the door look further than it actually was. I could do this, I told myself as I touched the cold doorknob, which sent shivers from my arm to my spine. What was I so afraid of, if I step out of the house than Ariel…she could come back…wanting me, and I wouldn’t be around? If I step outside, would people look at me, judge me, call me a bad mother, give me evil cold glares, and forever shun me? What would I find if I step out of my house, eggs against the brick walls, my flowers cut up – if they weren’t already dried up (wouldn’t be the first time something died because I wasn’t able to take care of them) – and some sort of threat notice telling me to leave?

The door creaked as I opened it, and warm – cold wind hit my face, sending the tears in my eyes, out, and I let the door swing open, and stared outside. I hadn’t even realized I was holding my breath, until my lungs felt like they were going to burst, like I was underwater. The brick pathway was still intact, as well as the small garden my mom planted in order to make my house look more ‘alive’ as she put it. She must have taken care of them.

I slowly stuck my head out, and looked at the front of my home to notice that everything was the way it was. The veins were still growing at rapid speed, the window sill white paint was still chipping, and the red bricks were dried up…and clean.

The last time I stepped out of my house was to go to the therapist whom my mother set me up with, but the day seemed so long ago…I don’t even remember the woman’s name anymore, just that she proved to me what I was afraid of…being judged as a bad mother.

There was a pile of newspapers waiting for me, and I kneeled down and gathered them up in my arms, and threw them inside. I could fix them later.

“Erica?” My heart raced as I turned back around seeing Tony Masters, my next door neighbor; I use to go the gym with her when I first had Ariel. She also had had her child, a son, and so we both wanted to lose that pregnancy fat. Jeffery, her son, and Ariel attended the same high school…I stared at her waiting for the screams to come, waiting for her to tell me, What kind of mother are you! You’re daughter killed herself because you didn’t listen to her! I waited for her to tell me to leave; I waited for the long deserved criticism as the tears rolled down my face…

But instead of hearing the sharp words coming to cut me open, I felt her strong arms around me, as she pulled me into her, hugging me. I buried my face into her shoulders, and hugged her tightly, feeling like I finally had life support.

“I don’t know where it went wrong,” I said softly as Tony came out to the patio with two iced teas in her hands. She had just finish jogging when she caught sight of me for the first time in months, or at least that’s what she said. “One minute I’m seeing this happy girl, the next there are all these messages that I feel I never caught in time…do you think?” But Tony stopped me.

She looked at me, her brown eyes soft, and her brown skin glowing against the sun, “Erica, you were a wonderful mother to Ariel.” Somehow those words still weren’t able to fill the void I felt…or the fear I had. “After…what happened, I read about teen suicide and you aren’t the only parent who never saw it coming. There was this story about a college boy, who had everything in the world, and his mother gave him everything, and he was an honor student. Then one night he turned an essay in to one of his professor’s and went off and killed himself. No one knows why, but obviously he wasn’t happy, and his mother or father are not at fault.” I knew she was trying to calm my rattling nerves, but that story didn’t make me feel any calmer.

I pulled my leg up to my chest and stared out to the lake behind my house…once glistened blue now just looked like plain old water.

“But Tony, the signs they were right there, in front of me, and I don’t know, maybe I was just so caught up in work that I was too blind to see that my own daughter needed me…” I grabbed a Kleenex from the center of the small outdoor table and whipped my eyes. When will my eyes dry out? I’m getting pretty sick of all these tears.

Tony leaned in and put her on top of mine, “Ariel wouldn’t want to see you this way…falling apart.” I pressed my lips together knowing it was true.

“Sometimes, I wonder what she was thinking…you know…when the lights went out.” I confessed to Tony, looking up to the sky. “All this time I’ve been thinking of myself, never really wondering what it was that went through Ariel’s mind that night.”

Tony looked like someone had stabbed her. “I’m so sorry Erica. Ariel felt like my own baby…if she wasn’t as white as snow I would almost forget she and Jeffery weren’t siblings…” I let a grunt out, or was it a laugh? Well something made what she said uplifted me…even for a second.

I nodded agreeing, “She and Jeffery were close. And Sarah too.” Saying her name out loud brought me back to reality that I hadn’t seen Sarah in such a long time. Sarah McKinley, my daughter’s best friend, they were inseparable, and she worked at her parent’s antique jewelry store. “Has…Jeffery said anything about her?” I asked Tony softly. “Did he say anything about Ariel I mean, like as she acted weird.” Tony raised her eyebrows at me.

Clearing her throat she said, “Well he did come home one day looking a little…disorientated…I asked what was wrong, but all he did was shrug his shoulders and locked himself in his room.”

“When was this?” I felt my heart quicken thinking of a game Ariel played months before, she looked infuriated with the ball, and was kicking it across the field like she wanted to kill it…

Tony sat back, thinking, “I think this was sometime in early April, late March. I knocked on his door, and he was talking on the phone, normally I’m not the mom that listens in, but he was talking to someone and he sounded hurt and angry. I tried asking him again and he just said girl trouble…” She rolled her eyes sipping her tea, “Why?”

I put the cold glass to my lips trying to get my dry throat to function, but the drink felt sour in my mouth…and swallowing it was just as hard. Once it did reach my stomach, it felt like it – and I – had reached the bottom of the ocean.

---

“Please!” Ariel cried on her knees trying to stuff the dirty clothes into her backpack, but it was difficult when she was shaking nonstop, and the tears kept blurring her vision. “You can’t tell anyone Sarah, I’m begging you.” Sarah hadn’t moved an inch since Ariel came through her window; she didn’t think she could. “If my mom or anyone finds out Raven –” but she didn’t finish the sentence. She tried to take a breath, but it felt like everything but air was reaching her lungs, making it even more difficult to breathe. “She’s dangerous Sarah. She’ll go after me; she’ll go after you…” Ariel buried her face in her hands as she cried harder, wanting nothing more than to scream, and to make it all go away.

Sarah’s mouth felt unusually dry, and for the first time in her life she had no idea what to say. Seeing Ariel this way, the perfect Ariel Wells, crying on her bedroom floor – not even when they were friends would Ariel cry in her presences. Seeing her like this, Sarah didn’t know if she should go up to her and scream, “Didn’t I tell you to stay away?!” Or to go and wrap her arms around her because somewhere deep inside she still felt that sisterly side of her kick in. The last twenty minutes felt like a daze as Ariel hurriedly explained what had happened, and Sarah’s ears were buzzing with confusion. Her mind was racing trying to keep up, but she felt like she was a million miles away.

Ariel had put on a pair of Sarah’s jeans and one of her T-shirts. There was once upon a time when Sarah would walk to school, look at Ariel, and envy everything about her. Sarah looked up to Ariel, since she was just a natural born leader. She took charge of things, and Sarah respected that, and sometimes she wished she could be like that too. Ariel wasn’t afraid to show people her wild side and still be this perfect friend/student/daughter – everything Sarah wasn’t. Of course Ariel had her flaws, but who didn’t? Though she hid it well.

But seeing Ariel begging for Sarah’s help just left her utterly speechless. Ariel was the kind of girl who had it all together, and it was Sarah who freaked out, but Ariel wasn’t just freaking out, she was scared, truly scared of Raven.

“W-w-what should I do?” Was that her voice? It surly wasn’t Ariel’s, it would never tremble…yet they were the only two in the room. Ariel looked up at her, her eyes full of so many emotions, it was almost difficult to tell that this was the same girl she had met so many years ago, with a simple ‘hello’ making them best friends.

Sarah blinked, as Ariel was slowly starting to compose herself. “We have to bury this stuff.” Ariel’s voice was raspy, shaking, and difficult to hear. “People will notice that he’s missing…and…and then the cops will get involved…and if the-the cops get involved they are going to investigate this, trace it back to us, and – and then it’s all over.” She stood up, heavily breathing, fresh tears coming down, and she was still visibly shaking. “If – if I tell them the truth then Raven will tell them everything, do you hear me? Everything!”

“What does she have on you?” Sarah’s voice was quiet as she found the strength to move back to her desk, and sit down. She also started to shake.

Ariel’s mouth pressed together, obviously not wanting to say it. She shook her head feeling the room spin.

“What does she have on you?” Sarah repeated, and Ariel looked up at her. Her face had guilt written all over it. “What is so bad that you can’t tell me…?”

---

There was this ringing sound in my ears, and it pounded against my brain. I had a headache, and I had my eyes closed, trying to make the rest of the world disappears, but that just wasn’t going to happen. Opening them, I realized it was my phone. With a heavy sigh, I hurried to answer it. I still haven’t listened to the messages on my answering machine, which was overflowed with messages.

“Hello?” I said in a tired voice massaging my aching head. Tony had left to head to work, so I was alone again. Something I just didn’t like. It feels like there is nothing for me to do here in order to keep my mind wondering back to her.

There was a pause before a woman’s voice answered, “Is this Erica Wells?”

“Yes, who’s calling?” I walked into the kitchen with a bottle of aspirin.

“This is Tina Johnsson from Vincent hospital. Ariel Wells came here often to volunteer, and I understand what happened, and I’m very sorry, but I need someone to come and pick up her belongings.” I was choked back the water, doing my best not to let the pills come back up. When did Ariel start volunteering at the hospital? Why would she want to? Ariel passed out at the sight of blood and/or needles. “I know this must be a difficult time for you, but we can’t keep it here.”

“I’m sorry; who did you say you were?” I asked whipping my mouth.

“Tina Johnsson, I’m head of the SANE nurse department at Vincent Hospital.” She answered.

I asked, “And what was Ariel doing over there?”

The woman seemed to be taken aback by my question since she didn’t answer right away, “Um…she came in here to volunteer…I-I thought you were aware of this, since Ariel’s not eighteen yet she needed a parents’ permission, and we have your signature on file.”

“I didn’t sign anything.” I repeated slowly putting the glass down. Since when did Ariel start to forge my signatures?

“We-we thought you were aware of her afterschool activities.” These days it seems I haven’t been aware of much. How is it that my daughter could have lived a secret life and I never once took notice? She had soccer practice every day after school – or at least that’s what she told me…

“You know what; I’m going to call you back.” Before she could respond I hung up, and taking a deep breath, trying to collect my thoughts I quickly dialed the Couch’s number.

“Hello this is Michael,” A voice on the other line answered.

“Hey Michael, its Erica.” I said softly knowing what would come next.

There was a long pause on the other end, before he came back on, this time a voice full of sympathy, “Erica? Oh, wow, how – how are you feeling?” He asked.

I swallowed hard wondering how long it would be before I got use to the void inside of me. “I’m doing alright.” I lied. “And yourself?”

At least Michael was able to tell me the truth, “To be honest not so good. We have a game coming up and I – I have to come up with a new caption before – and well let’s just say that none of the girl’s have been putting too much effort. It’s – it’s not the same anymore.” Michael loved Ariel. I would have him record all the games for me, and in them I would always see him rushing towards her, holding her high, and telling her how proud he was of her. Ariel was never a failure in his eyes. “We all loved her. We were a family and now this family feels incomplete. I can only imagine what you’re going through.” I remember picking her up after a game, and the smile on her face. She was dirty, sweaty, basically a complete mess, but every time she came off that soccer field she walked off with a smile on her face, and would often tell me, Mom, when I’m playing, I – I feel like I can breathe. I never bothered to find out what she meant by that figuring it was just a passion of hers, but thinking back now I wished I had listened closely.

“Thank you Michael.” My voice broke, it was soft, and I could feel myself starting to cry again, but I held on. The tears could wait. “Um…I called…uh…because…” Now that Michael had me thinking about Ariel I couldn’t even think of anything else. What I would give to stand outside and watch her play one of her games…

“Erica, are you okay?” He asked softly. God I wish people would stop asking me that! Would you be okay if your daughter had committed suicide? Would you be okay if you found all these secrets that she’s been hiding? Would you be okay if you realized that you failed as a parent? The signs were everywhere, and I hadn’t seen them. The room felt like it was beginning to spin, and I dropped the glass to my feet, feeling sick. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like someone was choking me.

I put the phone down, and braced myself against the counter. Breathe Erica, breathe. I softly thought to myself trying to breathe, but no oxygen seemed to be coming in…I felt lightheaded.

“Erica?” Michael called out from the other end, bringing me back down to reality.

I had to recompose myself quickly…breathing in and out softly again, I put the phone to my ear, and said, “Sorry about that…” I tried to open my mouth to get words to come out, but it was like something was blocking it. Think Erica, think. I scowled myself. “I – I – there was someone at the door.” I said softly.

There was a pause that seemed to last for an eternity before Michael spoke up, “You always were an awful liar.” I couldn’t hide anything from him. That was probably the part that had destroyed everything.

I coughed, “Yeah, I know.” My head seemed to have cleared, and I could finally speak clearly – or almost. “Michael, I called because I wanted to know if soccer practice was everyday…right?”

“Of course,” Michael’s voice was full of confusion, “the entire team knows how important practice is. But we have had to cut it short these last few months, my daughter has started ballet, and since my wife doesn’t get out of work since who knows when I’m responsible to take her there, and pick her up, which gets in the way of soccer practice.”

“Okay, thanks.” I hung up before he could say anything else. I closed my eyes feeling the dizziness coming back. Practice ended early? She volunteered at the hospital?

I never realized how loud silence could be until I stood here, alone, with only my thoughts to keep me company…not to mention a hundred secrets that Ariel has left behind.

---

The storm crashed through the city and Ariel stood on the footsteps of the school. Soccer practice was canceled thanks to the weather and she couldn’t get a hold of her mother. Ariel looked back at the school building and her suspicion was correct, two pairs of dark eyes were staring down at her from the inside. Her heart was racing and she felt her palms getting sweaty.

Everyone was hurrying to get into their respectable cars, when she the familiar green truck came into view. Taking a deep breath she hurried out, and opened the door, and climbed in quickly.

Jason Hawthorne blinked staring at Ariel, eyes full of confusion.

“Oh god, it’s freezing.” She said rubbing her hands together. She was shaking, but not from the cold.

“Uh…do you need a ride home?” He offered as he saw the line of cars in front of him. Jason and Ariel never really crossed paths with each other during school. If anything he only recognized her because she was in Student Council and was often seen in the cafeteria or main office. Though Ariel would never admit to anyone that she silently had a secret crush on Jason, though sometimes she wished she could take time from her busy life to just sit down and really get to know him.

She smiled, her pearly white teeth glowing, “I actually wanted to talk to you.” Ariel didn’t have to look out the window to know who was looking back. “Would you like to go out for some pizza?” Jason was a football player, and was known for never dating anyone. He would often say that he never wanted cat fights to begin since it was no secret that more than half the female population at their school found him extremely attractive. “My treat.” She offered.

Jason looked out his window shield. Ariel Wells hardly ever acknowledge his existence, and he hardly acknowledged hers, yet here she was, in his car, offering him pizza? He had to admit she was pretty cute, with dripping wet blonde hair or not. He turned up the heater realizing she was still shaking from the cold.

“Um…sure?” He was raised a gentlemen, so he never turned down an offer from a lady, but he made it perfectly clear that it was not a date, just two teenagers going to the movies or dinner as nothing but friends.

Ariel laughed seeing his uncertainty, “Sorry for springing this at you, but I’ve been meaning to talk to you for a while.” He finally put it together. Ariel was in the school newspaper, and it was obvious that she probably just needed to speak to him about the games. He was use to being the spotlight in the newspaper.

Jason shook his head as he pressed on the gas heading out towards the closets pizzeria, all the while Ariel’s heart was dropping knowing what had to come next.

---

My doctor had called me five times. The reverend had called. The morgue had called. The police had called. The school had called. My job had called. Dorothy had called. My mother had called.

Everyone was calling me – everyone except the only person that ever mattered to me the most. She wouldn’t be calling me anytime soon

I hadn’t realized the day was coming to an end until I was sitting in pitch darkness. The house felt as crowded as the voices in my head spoke to me, They took her. A voice called out and I didn’t know what that meant, but I knew it was true. Someone had taken her right from under my nose and the worst part about all of this was that I let them. All these questions were running through my mind – why did you go? What had you felt when the lights came down? Did it hurt? Where you in that much pain? Why did you leave me? Where are you now? Everything about this house reminded me of her. Everything seemed to taunt me and haunt me.

I turned on the TV, hoping something would grasp my attention long enough to forget about this mess. But it wouldn’t work.

Ariel’s face came and went and I saw that same smile that I had always seem.

We were in the park…she was only six years old, and happy as ever, and I was pushing her. She fell off when I had a moment of distraction. She had gotten a bruise and was crying on the ground. I rushed to her than, and told her, “Don’t cry. Mommy’s here. I can make it all right.” I held her close telling her over and over again that I’d always be there. I held her tightly against me as her cries subsided. I got her ice cream after that and she was happy afterwards.

I hadn’t realized I had fallen asleep and the dream of being in the park until I opened my eyes and the sun had risen. Had I lied to her than? Was I really there to make it all right? If I was supposedly there, why had she left me in the end?

The TV was running as I stood up and headed to the bathroom. My face was paler than usual, my eyes were glazed over, my hair was tangled up and flat and it seemed I had no intention of fixing it. My clothes were wrinkled up and I lost a lot of weight. There were dark circles around my eyes, and I just realized they were really red and puffy. I pulled my sweater tighter against myself feeling a chill in the air.

The ghost of me just stared back at me telling me the things I didn’t want to hear.

They say that if you run out looking for the truth usually what you end up finding is the one thing you wish you never knew about. I guess they were right when they say ‘Ignorance is bliss.’

I was shuffling my feet up the stairs when the bell rang. My heart sped up thinking that it was Ariel – that maybe this was all just a terrible nightmare that she was finally coming home telling me that everything was okay. I felt the blood in my rush as I hurried to the door, but what if it wasn’t her? What if it was someone else coming to tell me that I’m a horrible mother?

Before I could do anything about it, I grabbed the doorknob, and threw the door open.

It wasn’t her.

I came back down from my high and looked at the girl with the bag in her hand.

“Um…Sarah?” I asked trying to remember where I’ve seen this girl before. Sarah McKinley was my daughter’s best friend, but lately I haven’t seen her around the house like I usually do.

She gave me a soft smile, “Good morning Ms. Wells. I just came over to see how you were doing.” She was the sweetest girl I had ever seen.

I tried to give her a smile back, but it was too weak. “I’m still going.” Just barely. A voice in my head reminded me. “Uh…would you like to come in?” The sun was hurting my eyes, but then again after being locked inside for so long I wasn’t surprised.

She shook her head slowly, “I can’t. I have to get to work, but my boss wanted me to stop by and give you this. I called you a few weeks ago looking for…um…it’s been paid for already and my boss keeps complaining how it takes up space. So…I brought here.” Sarah was visibly shaking as she held the bag out towards me. I gripped it not taking my eyes off of her. There was something different about her, but I didn’t know what it was.

“Thank you.” I said slowly, looking into the bag to see a box. “What is it?”

Sarah was looking at the ground now, “Um…a watch. A-a-Ariel bought it over winter break but she wanted it engraved and since we were closing for Christmas we told her it couldn’t be ready for a while. We got it finished a few days after…” But she stopped talking because I knew it was too hard for her to speak.

I nodded my knowing how difficult it was. “Thank you Sarah.” I said again about to shut the door.

My daughter bought a watch, another thing I hadn’t realized. Just before the door clicked closed I heard Sarah shout out, “It’s my fault she’s dead.” The bag slipped out of my hand as I hurried back and opened the door seeing a tearful Sarah at my doorstep. “It’s my fault.” She sobbed and I was tempted to wrap my arms around the young girl but couldn’t move.

“W-why?” I asked softly not sure what she meant. She knew something I didn’t.

Sarah whipped away her tears as she looked at me, trying to catch her breath. “Ariel came to me, the night before…and…she told me what had happened. I didn’t believe her than since she and I weren’t exactly friends anymore.” When did this happen? Ariel and Sarah were almost inseparable. “Ever since she started to hang out with Raven she’s been strange.” Who was Raven? “Then she came to me the night before, begging for help.” She started to cry harder, and I felt the pit of my stomach tighten up, “S-s-she said Raven wanted to kill her. And then she started to tell me these things.”

I felt like someone had punched me. I couldn’t breathe. My throat seemed to close up on me.

Sarah covered her mouth, her hands shaking. “She made me promise not to tell.” Her voice was muffled.

“What did she tell you?” I shocked myself as I reached over and gripped Sarah by her forearms. This frightened her, as she cried out, but I didn’t care. Something inside of me was burning – burning for the truth, burning for closure, burning for answers. “What did she tell you?” I almost screamed not believing this was my voice.

The terrified crying Sarah looked at me through her red puffy eyes, as she shook underneath my hands. “S-s-she told me…” She cried trying to find the voice to speak, “S-she said…she said she killed someone.”

A|N: Not doing a whole lot of uploading these days, since I'm trying my best to get my grades up in math. But we had a four day weekend so I found sometime to write chapter 4, since too many people were sending me PM's wanting to know what was going on. Lately the characters have been taking over, and I just write whatever it is they want, so now I don't even know what's going on anymore, but hopefully we'll all know.

Alright. R|R and you know I'll return the favor - once I get time.

-MB