You may think, O Best Beloved, that a rat's tail is an ugly thing, all naked and hairless. You may think that rats are dirty and horrid, but that is a thing that is simply not true, and if that is what you think of rats and their tails then I shall have to teach you otherwise.

In times long past, before mousetraps and poison, rats' tails were not long and wriggly like a mouse's. They had squirly-curly tails like the sort you find on pigs, and you can imagine how silly they looked, all small and furry with a squirly-curly tail sticking out of the end.

Did you know, Best Beloved, that rats have hundreds and hundreds of children? Imagine having so many brothers and sisters that you couldn't remember the names of them all, and when you did remember you couldn't be quite sure if it was the right name or someone else's. This is how the little rat girl grew up, huddled and cuddled together in a big nest with all of her brothers and sisters, and each of them with a squirly-curly tail sticking out of the end.

The little rat girl was clever, as many rat girls are, and rat boys too. When she was huddled and cuddled with all of her brothers and sisters, what she liked to do most of all was read from the scrips and scraps that lined the nest. She would read quietly to herself and she would read to her brothers and sisters, and the scrips and scraps she read came from all kinds of newspapers and books. Her cleverness grew bigger and bigger as she learned all kinds of things, and as she learned all kinds of things, her cleverness grew bigger and bigger, until she was the cleverest rat girl in the entire rat nest, and as I said before, it was a very big nest indeed.

But the thing about cleverness, Best Beloved, the thing you must watch out for, is that when you learn all kinds of things from books, a kind of urge takes you over. It is a longing kind of urge, a n urgeful kind of longing that makes you want to leave the nest and find out all kinds of things for yourself. The little rat girl learned about fishing, and she wanted to fish for her very self. She learned about trees, and she wanted to climb them for her very self. She learned about cheese, and she wanted to taste it for her very self.

The little rat girl's longing for cheese was the very biggest longing she had ever felt, and when she thought about cheese she wanted it more, and the more she wanted it, the more she thought about it. She talked about cheese all the time, and her brothers and sisters grew bored of her talking.

“Tell us about fishing!” they would implore. “Tell us about trees! Tell us about the cat and the dog and the mouse. But please, please, no more about cheese!”

But still the little rat girl had the biggest kind of longing. She asked her mother and her father if she could leave the nest and find out all kinds of things for her very self. She told them about fishing and she told them about trees, and she told them about Cheddar and Stilton and Wensleydale and Brie and Caerphilly and Camenbert and the more she talked about it, the more she wanted it. But her mother and father grew bored of her talking.

“Tell us about fishing!” they implored. “Tell us about trees! Tell us about gutters and sewers and rivers. But please, please, no more about cheese!”

But this did nothing to quell the little rat girl's longing. She would read about fishing and tree climbing all day long, but it did nothing but make her long for cheese even more. Cheese filled her dreams, and then it filled her waking hours until every word sounded like a type of cheese. Bit by bit, her longing grew and grew until it was so big that it didn't fit in the nest, and by now her brothers and sisters and mother and father were very bored of her talking.

“No more about cheese!” the implored. “Go on, leave the nest and find out all kinds of things for your very self. But take your longing with you!”

And the little rat girl squeaked with delight, and hugged her brothers and sisters and mother and father as well as she could with her little stubby paws. With a hop and a skip, she left the nest and ventured forth into the world to find out all kinds of things for her very self.

The very first thing she found was that the world outside was not at all dark like her nest was. Her beady little eyes squinted up at the sun, which was a thing that she had read about.

“Hello sun!” she squeaked. “I came to find out about you for my very self.”

But as the little rat girl stared at the sun, she realised that it was round and yellow like cheese, and this made her longing even bigger still. With a hop and a skip, she scurried further into the world outside, and presently came across a pond. The pond was very big and very wet, and the surface rippled and swirled just like she'd read about.

“Hello pond!” she squeaked. “I came to fish in you for my very self.”

But as the little rat girl looked around for a fishing rod and found nothing but grass and water, she realised that she would not be able to fish at all. Besides, it was not fish that she longed for with all of her heart. With a hop and a skip, she scurried past the pond and further into the world, looking for some cheese to eat for her very self.

As she scurried, squinting with her beady eyes, the light from the sun was so bright that she could not see one paw's length in front of her. And suddenly, her scurrying was stopped and her itchy-twitchy nose was bumped up against something tall and wide and branchy.

“Hello tree!” she squeaked, looking up into its branches. “I came to climb you for my very self!”

But as the little rat girl looked for a way up the tree and found that the branches were too high for her to reach, she realised that she would not be able to climb the tree at all. Besides, she wouldn't find any cheese up high in its branches. With a hop and a skip, she scurried around the tree and towards a big, square farmhouse that she saw in the distance.

Farmhouses were a thing that she had read about. They were full of humans and cats and dogs and mousetraps and other very dangerous things that no little rat girl should venture near. Why then, did the little rat girl scurry towards the farmhouse as fast as her stubby little legs could take her? Can't you guess, Best Beloved? The little rat girl knew that inside the farmhouse she would find what she longed for.

“Hello farmhouse!” she squeaked breathlessly. “I came to find you and look inside you for cheese and eat it for my very self!”

And so the little rat girl scurried around the farmhouse until she found a crack, and she climbed through the crack and scurried around inside until she smelled the distinctive aroma of cheese. She knew it was the distinctive aroma of cheese, because nothing else could make her heart leap with joy than the thing she longed for most in all the world. Her itchy-twitchy nose followed the distinctive aroma of cheese until she reached another crack, and when she climbed through it she found herself in a great big room, and in the great big room, on every shelf and in every cupboard, was the roundest, yellowest cheese her heart could ever have longed for.

“Hello cheese!” she squeaked, unable to contain herself. “I came such a long, long way to find you and taste you and eat your for my very self!”

Her squirly-curly tail quivered with excitement as she scurried over to the nearest cheese and took a bite. This was better than the distinctive aroma. This was better than ponds and trees and the sun. The taste of cheese was better than she could ever have imagined, and being the cleverest rat girl in the nest, her imagination was very good indeed.

So much was her delight at finally finding for her very self what she had longed for that the little rat girl didn't even notice the furry-scurry creature that watched her from the shelf above. She ate and she ate and she ate, and when she had eaten so much cheese that she thought she might explode, she curled up and began to take a nap.

The problem is, it's very hard to take a nap when a furry-scurry thing is laughing at you. It was a squeaky kind of laughter and a creaky kind of laughter and a very annoying kind of laughter overall. The rat girl opened one eye and looked up at the shelf above and gave the furry-scurry creature a very dirty look indeed.

“You're not a thing that I have read about,” she squeaked. “Go away and let me sleep!”

“How rude!” exclaimed the furry-scurry creature, and with a hop and a skip, it jumped down from the shelf and landed beside her. “I'll have you know I am a mouse, and I don't very much like to be talked to like that!”

“A mouse? I have read about mouses. Are you sure you're one of those?” the little rat girl asked.

“Yes, I am most definitely a mouse,” the mouse told her. “What kind of a thing are you and what happened to your tail?”

The little rat girl drew herself up to her full height, which wasn't very high at all, and twitched her itchy-twitchy nose at the mouse. “There is nothing wrong with my tail,” she said. “All rats have squirly-curly tails like this one.”

“But with a tail like that, how do you fish?” the mouse asked. “With a tail like that, how do you climb? And when you're huddled and cuddled in your nest, how do you curl up to your brothers and sisters and cuddle them closely and warmly?”

The little rat girl looked down at the mouse's tail and saw that it was long and wriggly and furry. She wondered how a tail like that would help you fish and climb and cuddle, and she asked the mouse so.

“Come with me,” the mouse said, “And I will show you. But first, we must find you a proper tail.”

The rat girl and the mouse searched high and low for a proper tail, but all they could come up with was a paper clip and some string. Holding these in her paws, the rat girl sat down on her squirly-curly tail and thought sadly about fishing and climbing and cuddling, and how she would never be able to do these things.

But didn't I tell you before, Best Beloved, that she was the cleverest rat girl in the nest? All of a sudden an idea came to her, and with a hop and a skip, she jumped up and clipped the piece of string to her squirly-curly tail. She waved her squirly-curly tail about, and the piece of string waved too, just like the mouse's long, wriggly tail.

“You are a very clever rat girl indeed,” the mouse said, as they scurried back through the crack, around the inside of the farmhouse walls and through the other crack to the outside. The little rat girl said hello to the sun as they passed, and did not feel a longing for cheese because she was so full and stuffed. They scurried up to the tree, and this time the rat girl remembered to stop before she bumped her itchy-twitchy nose.

“Now watch very carefully,” the mouse said as it curled its tail around a branch. The little rat girl watched in astonishment as the mouse used its tail as an extra paw and climbed the tree with ease until it was lost in the highest branches. She curled her long, wriggly tail around a branch too, and with a swing and a fling was hurled through the air, and she caught the next branch between her stubby front paws.

“Did you see that?” she squeaked when she caught up with the mouse in the highest branches. “I climbed the tree for my very self!”

They climbed back down and scurried on to the pond, which was just as big and wet as she remembered. “How are we going to fish without a fishing rod?” the rat girl asked as she stared into the rippling, swirling depths.

“Watch carefully,” the mouse said, as it lowered its tail into the water. Soon the water was even more ripply and swirly than before as fish started to surface and swim around the long, wriggly tail with the greatest curiosity. The little rat girl lowered her string tail into the water too, and very soon she felt it twitch and bounce most fiercely.

“Did you see that?” she squeaked when she lifted her tail out of the water. “I caught a fish for my very self!”

They threw the fishes back and dried their tails in the sun, and the little rat girl thought about the other thing that the mouse had said her tail could do. Twitching her itchy-twitchy nose and blinking her beady eyes, she asked it so.

“Cuddling is a very easy thing to do,” the mouse told her. “When you're huddled and cuddled in your nest with your brothers and sisters, you'll figure out how to do it.”

“Thank you,” said the little rat girl, and she touched noses with the mouse before they both scurried away in different directions. The little rat girl went home to her nest, and found all of her brothers and sisters waiting for her eagerly.

“Tell us about fishing!” they implored. “Tell us about trees! Tell us about the sun and the wind and fire, and tell us about cheese!”

So the little rat girl huddled and cuddled with her brothers and sisters and talked and talked. She told them her adventures and she told them about the mouse and her tail, and one by one they yawned and closed their beady eyes and fell asleep. When every single one of her brothers and sisters was asleep, the little rat girl finished her story and yawned and closed her beady eyes and began to take a nap, this time without the laughter of a furry-scurry thing to interrupt.

And all by itself, without her even telling it to, her long, wriggly string tail curled itself around her brothers and sisters and cuddled them closely and warmly, and the little rat girl no longer felt any longing at all.

And so you see, Best Beloved, that rats are not horrid at all, and if they are dirty it's because no-one has invented a bath small enough for them yet.